Wife is suspicious for no reason

[MrBean]

hi,

i am happily living with my wife and we have a 3yr old son. i have to give some background before i ask my query. my wife is very sensitive person, and on the opposite side, i am a very logical and practical person.

 

before marriage, i was involved in online sex chatting. after marriage, my habit just continued. one day wife found out and fought. it was my mistake. i apologized and promised never to do anything like this. wife forgave, but said this fear will always be at the back of her mind.

 

3 yrs back, at one family get-together, she suspected that i am behaving oddly with one friend's wife. so again she fought with me as of i was having an affair or something. this time, there was no mistake of mine, so i fought back. long story short, she blamed me and said i should be careful with her in social situations. after that, she used to accuse me of doing things at social situations where they were circumstantial. e.g we all sat in a group and i just sat where there was place. she said i am deliberately sitting in a way so that i can look at her. i told her she is imagining all this because of my past (online chatting). she agreed but still always fought for no fault of mine. anyway, i had to live in restrictions of not taking to this lady and under microscope of my wife. i am a very jolly person who likes to make jokes and fun, so this was awkward for me to not talk to one person. luckily, we were not very close to this family, so such situations were not much. recently, this family moved to another city and i was relived that i could be free to behave normally.

 

now, one situation happened where i was talking to some other lady and my wife asked later what we were talking about. i told her, but she doesnt believe. she thinks i am hiding something. wife also combined some past events and says i have been in doing something behind her back. i asked her point blank if she thinks i am having affair because that was a big statement. she says no, but i just want to do some minor flirting. this was deja vu, everything all over again and it was frustrating. i even told my wife, that this is happening because previous family is left and she is obsessed with doubting me for no reason. but wife just doesnt see it, she is sensitive and snaps if i try to reason with her. now problem is, this family is very close and in our friend circle. if my wife puts similar restrictions, its not going to work. everything will be awkward. i told my wife clearly that either stop doubting and trust me OR just stay away from the whole friend circle. because restrictions with one person is not practically possible. especially this lady and i are close in a way that we have common interest in one art form and sometimes discuss those topics. but there is no attraction between us. her huband is very good friend. their children are close to my son. one thing to note, we have been close to this family for 4-5 years. i also asked my wife why didnt she say anything before, she says she just saw odd things now. as i said, wife doesnt see rationality and reasoning, so its difficult to argue with her.

 

i have somehow managed to convince my wife that i am loyal to her and to trust me on this. my wife, somehow agreed that she will try to behave normally and only question me if she sees something major that is odd. but now big question is -

i know my wife and i know that this is not going to happen. my wife is going to snap after the next get-together, i have gone through all this with the 1st case.like why i did this, and why i sat there and all sorts of stupid things? and whatever answer i give, she says i am making up reasons. pls help me what to do. i am even planning a week long trip with this and few other families. i just want to live peacefully and enjoy my life, this constant torture and microscope attitude is going to ruin my relationship and give both of us trouble. i told all this to wife. but any tips on what i can do more.

[Wiseman2]

Some people just have a jealous steak no matter what you do. Reassure her with compliments, affection etc, rather than just be defensive when her green eyes start shining.

[bluebell05]

Jealousy can ruin a relationshup or matriage. But one thing that was always said to me was the accusing is norally the one who is doing something wrong... I don't know how true it is but I am one to believe all those sayings. Like once a cheater always a cheater and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I dont know how true they are but I've heard it more than once. So they must be..

[bluebell05]

Relationship* and marriage*

[itsallgrand]

Couples councilling ?

 

Better to resolve it at the root as a team now than wait for it to get worse and come between you, I'm thinking.

 

Sometimes that objective third party makes a huge difference.

[gebaird]

I've been stuck in cycles like this, where it seems like you are having the same fight over and over. Not fun If it gets bad enough, and if she is willing, counseling could be a good option. It's really hard to prove that you aren't cheating, because there's no evidence of something that hasn't happened. This is why criminal laws assume a person is innocent until proven guilty! But relationship "law" is more fuzzy.

 

When your wife feels insecure, when she starts questioning your loyalty, ask her what she is really afraid of. Reassure her that you are committed and loyal. Help her understand, if it's at all possible, that her insecurities are baseless and something she needs to work through. It might feel to her like you are "making her" jealous by your behavior, but she needs to see that those feelings originate from her own mind. Jealousy is a choice. You can't MAKE her feel secure, and by the same token you can't MAKE her feel insecure. She is doing that all by herself. Ask questions in a kind and non-leading way to help her understand what it feels like to be constantly accused and unable to prove your innocence. Help her understand that this is a problem you can face together, you by adjusting certain behaviors when reasonably able to do so, and her by strengthening her self-confidence and trust. This issue won't go away overnight, but perhaps in time and with the right behaviors and discussions things will improve.

[MrBean]

counseling - wont work. she just doesnt see it as its all my fault

 

gebaird - good points. i will try those. other day i told her that i am very happy with her and son. she always know what i do and where i go, all the time. there is no reason for me to do anything wrong. that has worked, for now.

 

my worry is knowing her nature, i know something or the other will happen that will affect her mood. i dont know what exactly, but something circumstantial which i cannot avoid.

[Sunshines101]

I have to say your heading bothers me after reading your post because technically it's untrue " wife suspicious for no reason" when in fact in the past you have given her a reason in which you have admitted in the past. I don't know anything about your wife's back story however if there has been any sort of trauma in your wife's history she may suffer from trust issues in which the event you described would amplify those issues.... Until she has time to heal and recover from that betrayal asking her what boundaries she needs to set for you to regain her trust and then you follow those until she has healed from them..... You made your relationship vulnerable by bringing other intimacy into it not her.... Look up things men do in relationships to make their partner feel insecure ... That may offer some insight into things you may not even realize are happening also maybe you are offering attention to others that you don't offer to your wife (just some food for thought) jealously is a cover emotion for things like fear... Vulnerability ... And hurt .... Hope this helps