Not sure if I should put this in friendship, family, or LDR lol. Kind of unusual

[Unreasonable]

So as I mentioned in another thread, I recently met a half-sister about a month ago who was the product of an affair between my father and another woman. I never knew she existed until a few months ago, and we are both in our 40s. She found out the father that raised her was not biological due to a medical issue he had, and after he died went on a quest to meet her biological father, my dad.

 

So she flew across the country and met my parents (my mother was not exactly pleased but went along with it). She and I also hit it off quite well. Being an only child, I always wanted a sister. With the exception of my mother, who was nevertheless very hospitable, she was welcomed with open arms by my family.

 

She also met my family and fell in love with my kids. She has small kids of her own and would love for them to have the "cousin" experience. She has already bought one of my kids a birthday present, texted everyone on a few occasions.

 

She and I have talked on the phone a few times and have texted back and forth. She is making an effort for us to have some common ground, since we are rather different people. At this point I'd say that while I consciously know she's my sister, I view her as a friend first, and really want to get to know her better. She is also wishful thinking that we move out there and live by them. This is possible, but would take a couple years and still in the "pipe dream" stage. My parents, while rather elderly, would definitely follow. We are originally from the same state, where I lived until I was in my late 20s and love it there. She would get all she wanted, a brother (she has all sisters), her biological father around, and a bunch of new cousins for her small children. I would get the same, minus a new parent, and be back in a state I love. My wife and I aren't very social so it would not be difficult on the networking front for a clean break, and we are both highly skilled workers so employment would not be an issue. My wife is on board with the added bonus that her sister is there. Win-win for everybody.

 

For me to move us out there, I would have to visit her immediately family on their turf and see how that goes, preferably a couple times, and it is also important to me that we be accepted by her extended family. As far as I know, only one of her sisters knows, and she is cool with it. Her mom knows obviously but doesn't really want it to go public as she feels it would reflect badly on her in spite of the fact that this happened decades ago. I don't want to be a hidden skeleton in the closet.

 

I also, obviously, need to know her better. And this is where the question finally comes. While I have done it, I detest texting (waiting for responses for more than a couple days gives me anxiety - plus our carrier has a pretty bad drop rate), and she is completely off the grid as far as social media goes. And while she says I "can text and call any time and loves it" when I do, I feel like I'm doing all the initiating. I suspect that is because she doesn't want to risk seeming clingy or some similar adjective, so she's letting me take the lead. She hasn't said that, but I suspect it. I've been tempted to just not text or call for as long as it takes to see if she would ever initiate, but I don't want this to fall to the wayside, and it kind of bothers me.

 

I feel like this is a somewhat unique situation, and that there is no real rule book here. I also don't know what her norms are as far as communication with family goes. I see a lot of posts here about the banes of texting, but they are all in a romantic context. So that's why I posted under "Friends" because I made a new friend that happens to be a family member, it's a long distance relationship, obviously platonic, but important to me, and I think both of us, that it grows. How should I handle the communication between us?

[moodindigo91]

I am in an LDR with my best friend and have been basically since I left for college. We live really different lives, she's married with two kids (today's her anniversary!), I'm single living in the city. We met in middle school in our hometown in FL and at the time lived up the street from one another. I eventually left for college, while she stayed behind and eventually got pregnant. After college, I moved across the country to the west coast and have been here ever since. She left FL, lived in NC for a while and now lives in PA.

 

I visited her once but otherwise we keep in touch regularly, mostly through text. The banes of texting really exist when dating or anticipating anxiously responses from others. I don't like texting that much, neither does she. We used to Skype but my laptop is broken so we haven't in a while, we text. We exchange photos, she sends me pics of her kids. We're both busy so I don't expect rapid responses and sometimes we will go a day or two without texting at all. But regardless, we know that we are only a text or phone call away. If it weren't for texting, I doubt we'd be in as much communication as we are currently (neither of us like talking on the phone).

 

You just need to find some common way of communicating that neither of you mind. If you both hate texting, then maybe you ought to schedule weekly phone calls. Either way, there needs to be an effort on both ends to maintain the friendship. If she's making little to no effort to initiate contact, you should talk to her about it. The plans you are making to possibly move there make it sound like the relationship is important to you both, but actions speak louder than words. Just have to evaluate the whole situation I guess. Best of luck!

[Wiseman2]

Agree that easing into things while everyone absorbs and wraps their heads around it all is a good idea. Go with the flow and play it by ear so that it's 'staying in touch/contact' but not some artificial instant new family that must rush into everything and be on the phone constantly, order matching t shirts, etc. How does your wife get along with them and accept the whole thing?

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[Unreasonable]

How does your wife get along with them and accept the whole thing?

Good, I think. One of the days she was here my wife took her to the beach with the kids, which my sister really liked because she was going stir crazy being with some old folks that don't do anything. I think she wishes my sister would "make the first move" with her too as well sometimes. It's hard not to make it all about me, but I get that my sister didn't just inherit one new person like I did, she inherited 8. So I can see why it would be exhausting feeling like you have to get close to 8 new people. I've spoken to her husband for a few minutes but other than that it's just her.