Great love story with a terrible ending....Is there any hope? Warning: long!

[rand100417]

So, in a nutshell, you went to him to announce you were getting married to the Ukrainian guy mainly hoping he would say "Nooooo! Stop the wedding!!! Marry me instead" and he didn't. You wanted him to tell him that he would get his act together. I think that your husband was terribly used here. And the two of you are childish. I understand your pull towards this guy, but you had no established relationship in the beginning to justify being long distance. It was all what you built up inside your heads about eachother. I suggest you cut contact for good and forever. You also never loved your husband. You married to put an end to what was going on with the other guy. I feel very badly for him!

 

I would seriously consider counseling before you hurt another guy. Its really sad when you think you are in a relationship with the man you are not married to and are at a total disregard and lack of respect for the man you married, even if you went into the marriage for the wrong reasons. You should at least have the decency to drop contact with the guy you are obsesssing about and properly divorce or go to marriage counseling. And I would reimburse his family if they gave you wedding money. The whole thing was an intentional sham.

 

Ok....so about my husband.

 

I really appreciate you reading the thread! But, you have it VERY wrong.

 

My ex (the one who I care about) broke up with me brutally for maybe the 7th time after I had gotten almost kicked out of school - in fact I WAS kicked out, I had to go before an academic standing committee and say I was a scholarship student, it was a fluke. I basically had failed an exam and there's a zero tolerance policy for that. I had failed because I was sick and didn't tell anyone, and also bc I think the drama with the ex didn't help. Anyways he broke up with me when I "needed" him the most. I think that set him off. for whatever reason. Mostly because he's a . But whatever.

 

After that, I moved to Brooklyn, did not contact my ex, got a job at a clinic, and started to heal, feel better about myself. I had had enough of the whole drama and I knew this wasn't me.

That's when I met my husband, when I was dating on tinder. Around christmastime last year. I wanted to go slowly, he started what I know is called "love bombing" me. I said to hold off on saying I love you and what not but he drove forward. He wanted to spend all this time together. I was living by myself in a room I was renting, and he offered to have me come stay with him at his place. He was accomodating, serious, and most of all, he wanted COMMITMENT. He was also very handsome and was apparently a successful businessman in Ukraine....also, he was very driven. He proposed in February on Vday, I was shocked, felt something was off, but went with it. He was building me up, saying he believed in me, helped me at least physiologically feel better after all the drama. I said yes, but 1) he was acting perfectly and 2) we kept kind of saying, you never know....you date someone for 7 years and this crap happens (with my ex), or you meet someone and it just works. It seemed to make sense in a weird way. The closer we got to the wedding, the more weird I felt, and he started to criticize me, make a big deal about the papers, but he didn't do it in an extreme way. We had planned a two week trip across the US, and i KNEW I would find out what I needed to find out on that trip - you can't hide for two weeks in a car with a person. But he refused to go on the trip unless we got married bc he had to justify it to his boss. If we hadn't gotten married, he may have stayed on "perfect"-ish behavior for years, or until he got what he wanted. And yes, I went back to my ex in a childish manner perhaps, but it was genuine. I felt like I wanted to follow through with the wedding knowing it wasn't a sure thing because I just wanted to make a decision. But of course I wanted to let my ex know what was happening so that it wouldn't catch him off guard, and I wanted to give him a chance to speak up.

 

So anyway on our "honeymoon", the two week trip, my husband (or ex husband to be?) took the mask off. Oh, and before that, I shoudl mention he made me cry on the wedding day, when I re-did my makeup, he yelled at me for not consulting him, that it looked terrible. On the honeymoon he criticized everything - how I ate, my direction in life, what I wore, my figure, EV-ER-Y-THING. He also would get extremely angry - sulking, silent treatment, the whole works - over almost nothing. When I didn't take his advice on running form. He would also take these crazy selfies of him smiling by himself and post them on facebook. He screamed at me for responding to a text message to my friend who was having a wedding soon and needed to know something ASAP, when he had wanted me to take his picture with my phone. I couldn't bring any of it up with him, either. SO....I had NEVER been before with someone who legitimately has narcissistic personality disorder, but HE HAS IT. I researched it, trust me - he HAS it. I also called his ex gf of 5 years (got her number from our roomates, who used to be his friends in Ukraine, HATED him, warned me about him), who confirmed that he just uses people and discards them, and I also confirmed it with his own MOTHER. Ok.

 

And it makes PERFECT SENSE. I was vulnerable from the whole thing with my ex, and here comes along a narcissist who can smell that from miles away. He builds you up, he has something to gain from it. But it's HIM who is INCAPABLE of connecting intimately in a genuine way, not me. I actually did try.

I am not not taking responsibility, but don't say it was a sham, and that my husband was used. He got papers out of it, and I got a way of healing myself a little, and some stability. The marriage will end in October officially, and I don't think anyone was hurt. He's going to get his papers through political asylum, which he never revoked anyway.

 

This entire time I've been healing from my EX...when I wrote the first entry here, it was after I left my husband, started taking trips by myself, journaling, etc. I realized that no matter how much time passed, I MISSED MY EX BOYFRIEND because it was real actual love. I have no idea what you mean by there was no real relationship to justify the long distance. We LIVED together in Europe and Missouri, and we made plans, contacted eachother everyday for years, loved eachother very much, we knew eachothers families...his parents came to visit us when we lived in Germany, so did his sister, I took them around...I really am not sure where you're getting that idea. Not only that, but I waited through deployments, the longest was almost a year.

 

And I still KNOW that the relationship can be different. I'm not cruising for a bruising. I don't want the drama or conflict, which is actually why it was not hard for me to leave my emotionally abusive husband. I want my EX to grow the F up.

[rand100417]

PS - I have a therapist. He is the therapist that I brought my ex to twice, but my ex wouldn't commit to going (which I actually don't think matters anyway....it's more about how we deal with eachother outside therapy anyway.)

[rand100417]

Yes, time to shelve it.

 

YOU (as in you singular) need help - STAT! Why are you even entertaining this man? He tells you that you are clingy, that you can't put the cap on the toothpaste, etc, and if you put the cap on the toothpaste and are less clingy, he will come up with something totally different that you have to do to change yourself and you are hanging on these words! It is like some sick game. He is who he is. If he is happy being that way - then whatever - but you can only control yourself. If you want to live the rest of your life in this long distance mess where when you are actually together its a bigger disaster and you hurt other people to jump through hoops with him - then I guess be my guest, but because you are here I assume you want something better.

 

Now this I can stand by. Yeah. I spoke to him tonight. Two nights ago (Friday night) he said I miss you, no one gets me like you do, I'm impressed by you, I'm sorry about etc., I hate seeing you cry. I told him he found fault with me to avoid doing work. He basically acknowledged that but said school is just so stressful. we spent HOURS cuddling in my car, we took a nap together, etc. But he said he needs more time, he needs to figure stuff out. Today I basically told him that he's not giving the relationship a chance, he's always going to psyche himself out if he builds it up at this or that time, he needs to just DO it, read the books, and we need to help eachother change.

 

But after today, after realizing all this stuff, yeah, he's a total jerk. I do want something better. THat was what I was getting at before I saw him at the party. Either he is better or he's not. But I don't want him if he's not better than this. I've done all I can.

[rand100417]

lol @ reimburse his family if they gave us wedding money. Despite his being a "successful" businessman, and building a home in the Ukraine (which I've since found out he was assisted with his rich uncle's money, so hes not as self made as he made himself out to be....NOT that I care if he's not wealthy... I just don't like the dishonesty), he never took me out, he would sometimes buy me gold jewelry that i didn't want when he felt he crossed a line. I also helped him with this website he's trying to make, translating and designing stuff...for free, obviously, since that's what spouses do. He didn't pay for any hotels on our trip, we slept mostly in the car, and when he got sulky and I felt we needed to relax I paid for a hotel.

I left once and went back once because I do take marriage a little seriously. But i left again bc he did the same antics again. Sometimes life just makes things clear.

OH, and when these weird behaviors first started to show up, I did do the typical "me" thing and say maybe we should read some stuff about marraige or relationships, like how to fight fair. He refused. He also apparently used to be a card-carrying Jehovah's witness and started talking bible stuff with me on the honeymoon, about how a woman should respect the man. MMMMhmmm.

[rand100417]

Anyway. About my ex. We saw eachother, we love eachother, we miss eachother. We both acknowledged that. But I can't deal with his distancing behavior anymore. It goes beyond our recent/early problems. He has to work through this in any relationship. This is HIS nonsense.

 

I laid my argument out crystal clear tonight. He said to give him AT LEAST three weeks....I was like, "what???? what happened to Christmas?" then he got upset and said he had to go.

 

Sorry to keep writing, I'm just getting stuff off my chest.

I want to keep doing what I've been doing. Music, studying, hanging out with my cousin, reading. My life IS complete and great without my ex in it.

He literally said tonight: "I can't stand it when you cry. I can't handle it. IT happens in 90% of our conversations. I love and miss you, but that is separate from me figuring out whether this whole thing was a snag in our 20s, etc., and we can do it, or whether we really are incompatible."

To which I said something that I read in the book, which was: "I am sure we can do it. I am positive. But it will take work. We need to clean the debris from the then work on actual behaviors. We will need to understand that there will be returns to bad patterns and we have to help eachother through it. Once we get over a hump I think we can have a relationship that will be worth it, and have a family. And we'll be able to look back and say thank god we worked through that. But we can't do it if you don't let it happen. Seeing eachother once every couple of months just to distance me again is NOT a relationship, it's actually ensuring it doesn't become one!"

 

From this book I'm reading - In many ways, the more incompatible you feel, the more compatible you are. When you “dance” with your Imago— your crucible— the potentials for growth, expansion, enlightenment, and love are unlimited.

 

ANYWAY....again, I feel the need to apologize for this, I am even annoying myself, believe me. But I know I need to get this out of my system because when I do I am able to move on with life, which I know is what I need to do regardless.

 

I do think, yet again, that the only way change will come about, especially now that I've replanted seeds that we CAN work it out, is to distance, distance distance. God help me find the way to do this and have a good time doing it....alone, without dating any a-holes.

[abitbroken]

I mentioned the payback because i thought you married as a way to get back at your ex. Since its, not, then don't. But if you went to him and told you that you were marrying, I can't help but think you were holding out for him to stop the wedding.

 

At any rate, you say that the problem is "distance". Its not. If a guy really, really wants to be with you he will move heaven and earth to do so. He'll transfer. He'll come up with a 6 month or one year plan. He'll find a way really quickly. It has nothing to do with distance. (obviously a 17-20 year old will not, but a grown ran ready to commit who wants to and doesn't want to be without a particular woman WILL) He is unattached - doesn't have kids, etc to be concerned about, etc.

 

It does not matter if you "love" eachother. A lot of people can love us, but that doesn't mean they are healthy for us. This love isn't healthy. Its more of a dependency or attraction to instability. Stop reading things that talk about soul mates, Imagos, twin souls whatever it is that you might read. "the more incompatible you feel, the more compatible you are." is BS. If you are compatible, you will get along effortlessly. Sure, there will the occasional disagreement, but it will feel "right" so that the hurdles that you must face are one person losing their job, a parent dying, etc, or illness and the hurdles are not just being able to get along in the simplest way. Someone who truly loves you and is right for you respects you as a person, cares about your well being and doesn't call you names, put you down, or pick you a part, either.

 

So take a break from men - cut your ties with him, get a divorce and be by yourself for awhile - go through counseling and get to a point where you are not attracted to trainwrecks.

[rand100417]

I appreciate your post, and I agree with you. I do need to take a break from men and continue focusing on me.

 

But my relationship with my ex is not an addiction to instability. It's been a struggle to repair a relationship with someone who doesn't learn as easily as I do. It's not "unhealthy," inherently....Although I do know it certainly seems like it is, and it has been really unhealthy for the past few years. But I know it's not inherently unhealthy because whether I like it or not he points stuff out that I need to work on, and vice versa, but loves the stuff that is praiseworthy. We are not perfect people and I don't disagree with that imago crap. But I agree with you that at this point it's not helpful because I've done everything And he hasn't done enough.

 

He does love me, I know this, and i know if my parent died or I got sick I think he would be there. Unfortunately I would "cry wolf" sometimes in the beginning and call him for stuff I should have dealt with on my own, but this was also at least 2 yrs ago, bc he would come and save the day, but obviously that behavior contributed to the problem. It was like my way on checking if he still loved me. It contributed to the drama and the toxicity and that is my problem, that I've worked on since, and is no longer an issue.

 

In the middle of our BS several years ago I had a lump in my boob and he took me to the radiologist and held my hand the whole time. It was benign. But then he wouldn't commit to stuff like plans.

 

Repairing a relationship is not for the faint hearted and it can really look like it's just a horrible relationship. I also read it only takes one person to drive it forward so I took that responsibility. I don't think this is me naturally, in a way this experience conditioned me to keep trying and keep pursuing. I know that If I thought it couldn't work I would have gotten over it, so I would pursue the issue. However bottom line is he treats me and CONTINUES to treat me sub-what-I-deserve. he has big problems that I cannot solve for him.

 

And my problem is literally not calming down and backing off for good. I unfortunately probably enabled his taking me for granted, among lots of other problems. I am not good at setting boundaries, I'm a little codependent obviously, and I pursued him to change. I know actions speak louder than words. I also know time and time again he did the bare minimum. I'm trying to get some real changes and I have not been the one to shut the door.

So actually we both maybe aren't giving the relationship a chance. Maybe I'm just as guilty by not backing off.

 

I was actually doing a lot better before I saw him on Friday. I had "shut the door" and last id spoken to him I said don't contact me unless you're willing to man up and grow up. It was his confirmation that we miss each other and that he loves me, and then his subsequent not prioritizing it that makes me sad, disappointed, angry and confused.

 

We do get along...and actually yeah i know he will always love me. But that love is piled under a heap of garbage. He is obviously nervous about getting engulfed and losing his independence. He calls me names in the heat of the moment but always, always apologizes, but that leaves scars on me that I can't deny. It's verbal abuse. He also shuts down. His conflict skills suck, but maybe mine do too. I dunno.

 

There are problems, but he is a not a train wreck of a person. But either way the endlessness of the drama is so toxic for me and I must distance myself from him. Which is what he wants. I am not apologetic about the fact that I hope he changes and I hope the distance combined with missing me and his love for me will make him want to move mountains to make this work.

 

Just another thing. The relationship with the narcissist husband became stable - even respectful, polite- resembling a solid relationship, bc we/he started following rules, and there was a goal of the future. Functioning relationships are little teams and they require skills. The exhusband was married before and is not an idiot. And he needs a passport. But the love was not there and it was just WRONG. This is why I wanted for my ex to just have some faith and get some skills.

 

Sure I feel bad that I was too "weak" to move on without getting in yet another relationship but again I really was just trying to date and live life and this narcissist latched on. I think the result is ok, I am here now, and I'm ready to move forward.

 

I do also get that the world doesn't start and end with these guys and maybe after some alone time I'll meet someone and it'll just "click." Maybe maybe maybe. But for now, I'm hoping my ex grows up!!!!

[abitbroken]

But my relationship with my ex is not an addiction to instability. It's been a struggle to repair a relationship with someone who doesn't learn as easily as I do. It's not "unhealthy," inherently....Although I do know it certainly seems like it is, and it has been really unhealthy for the past few years.

 

My ex husband told me that I can never learn - that its like dealing with a small child. That he had Soooo much more relationship experience than me and I don't learn easily. And the relationship needed to be fixed but I was such a slow learner. Well guess what? he left me, I healed and my relationship for life now is with someone who doesn't think I need "fixing" everyone should learn and grow of course, but everything feels "right" - there is an ease to it. We match. There is no belittling, no namecalling, no push/pull/distancing. We want to be together so we are. Its not this "he secretly really wants to be with me, so is pushing me away". We are In the same time and space. All of this "learning about relationships he has to do" means that you guys just are NOT compatible - and then again - you are NOT in a relationship. You are married to another man, even though you are separated. You have zero relationship with your ex right now, and I predict that once you are divorced, he will be nowhere to be found.

 

I can't convince you how unstable and messed up the situation is. So I will stop trying, but the minute you stop making excuses for him "he learns slower", "the relationship is really a good one/just hit a rough patch" and see the reality of it, you can start to move on. Its somewhat disturbing that you are not focused on dealing with your marriage/ending it, etc, and are more worried about the ex.

[rand100417]

Thank you - I appreciate your experience and positions. But nothing is disturbing/I'm not living there and i already dealt with it. i just have to wait til October to file it but everything is all set. That's because divorce is legally easier than annulment and to get a no fault divorce in NY you gotta wait 6 months.

 

I'm not making excuses for my ex, but I'm not judging him either. He's a distancer and were either gonna figure it out together or not.

 

You don't have to convince me it's unstable and messed up!! You're preaching to the converted. But I think change is possible/inevitable.

 

My ex bf doesn't think I need "fixing", he loves me, he phrases things badly. What he meant is he doesn't know if I can give him the space he needs. But he doesn't know or understand how to get out of this/navigate it and is scared to take a step forward. He's not your ex, everyone's situation is different. I'll keep this thread updated.

The alternative for him will be dealing with the same problems with another girl later on. And bc we do love eachother he'll be miserable. I think he knows this

[rand100417]

Anyway I am moving on at the same time. Is that hard to imagine? I don't feel terrible and I'm living my life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say he sounds rather indifferent.

I called the second time: "do you WANT to reconcile? He said maybe. Probably.

[rand100417]

Sorry I couldn't record the convo but he didn't

[rand100417]

But, I wanna say that he IS gonna seem indifferent to a degree- right now! But he's not.

[rand100417]

Hi ENA:

 

So a little update...

He spoke to a new relationship therapist I sought out (they spoke by themselves), who luckily is covered by my insurance. She actually wanted to speak to him alone, and he liked her, and seemed open to what she said. So he is now reading some chapters of a relationship book.

 

 

It looks like we are both working...SLOWLY, and with a lot of distance, and space, towards reconciliation, and it seems like we may begin a journey of learning how to be better for and with eachother....

1. I realize how angry I am that this happened, that this went on for so long, that he refused to listen, that he was a bully and he was mean, that I was so hurt in this and only NOW is he even beginning to realize these things....

2. I realize how disgusted I am at his best friend's wife, who came in the picture AFTER I did, and passed judgment on our relationship when it went south (her husband, as oppoed to my guy, was NOT in the army - her husband, my guy and I all went to the same high school, she had no idea what I've been through with my boyfriend and yet she chose to give my guy advice...she is a y unwise small minded woman in a pediatrician's body) I was nothing but friendly to her and I think had the same thing happened I would have refrained from sticking my nose in anything unless I at least had the best interest of both people in mind. (My guy understands this.)

3. I love my guy so much but I am so, so angry. I haven't had any of my needs except for possibly the absolute bare minimum met for so long by him and the thought that things could actually be OK sometime in the future is exciting but it's also terrifying because I've been let down so many times. I can't believe how much I've been taken for granted, and in a way, will continue to be.

4. And there's another thing. He still talks and acts really immaturely sometimes - not all the time - prioritizes time with his friends and smoking weed and football games over me, meanwhile my friends left and right are having babies and getting married. While I think that things may change if we play our cards right...if I give him positive reinforcement and we continue to get professional help, I'm so f*** angry. I'm angry that he still takes me for granted, I'm angry that he is selfish, I'm angry that he's become a very severe distancer, and I'm angry that he's juvenile and doesn't take influence from me, and holds grudges that make no sense.

 

I guess I'm making this post because of course I love him with all my heart, otherwise this wouldn't be happening. I'm happy that he is trying, but I am intimidated by the amount of relationship debris that has to be cleared, from HIS part for me. I am sure I am able to get past all of this and move forward, but I would like him to understand what my plight has been in all of this so he can appreciate it. I don't want the anger with him and hurt at the situation to be the governing feelings because I need my patience to encourage him through HIS process.

 

Because even though I love him....a huge part of me really hates him for putting me/us through this.

[rand100417]

Update - he spoke to the therapist twice, she said he still loves me but is traumatized. and that we need a total disconnection. we are completely broken up now, i for the first time am SINGLE and dating myself and "doing me." I'm finally doing it!

 

I feel exactly like I did before, but it feels so good to know that i won't contact him, I have no desire or need to. I also don't feel like I'm waiting around, which is a real state of mind thing.

 

I think we could end up together but I acknowledge it's completely out of my hands and in order to see what's going to happen we need a total disconnect. I should have done this a long time ago but whatever, you live you learn, people only do things when they are ready to do them.

[Kcooper04]

 

From this book I'm reading - In many ways, the more incompatible you feel, the more compatible you are. When you “dance” with your Imago— your crucible— the potentials for growth, expansion, enlightenment, and

 

Hi!

I know this was quite a few months ago but I appreciate your honesty and effort. Especially in your research for healing and wholeness. I am curious about the book you mentioned above.. Would you mind sharing what it's called? I would like to read it too! Thank you!

[rand100417]

Hi! Just was looking back on this. It's called "Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples" by Bonnie Eaker-Weil

[rand100417]

Hi...this has been a while. I thought I'd post an update but also because I think I need more advice. I'll preface it by saying I am currently dating a great guy, he's younger by 6 years. He's kind, funny, and smart although not the most organized or ambitious. We've had arguments and resolve them peacefully. It's by all standards a healthy relationship. We have fun together and our relationship is not bad or tumultuous. But we also don't have a history, haven't moved to other countries for eachother, didn't go to high school together, didn't have the same mutual friends, etc. etc.

 

I am writing here today because I keep thinking about the relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend: the beginning, middle and end. Sometimes I go from feeling great to going through all the stages of grief in a day. I literally don't know how I should be feeling or thinking anymore. I've done so much work on myself, I've become a million times calmer, more mature, less ignorant. But I can't shake the following thoughts - they alternate back and forth, between positives and negatives. I will list them all:

 

-I have some deep regrets about the relationship with my ex. I made some big, big mistakes, from dishonesty about sleeping with other people during our "breaks" to adderall use that made me erratic and at times, violent. Also my circumstances were making my normal chemistry worse (I was vitamin D deficient, worked in a toxic environment, etc.) (I was in early-mid-20s)

 

-BUT, I realized my mistakes and truly learned from them. And I've spent a lot of time ruminating about them and I think I deserve to move past it.

 

-I was mistreated by my ex from 2013-2015/2016 the time when we weren't dating but weren't completely broken up either. I believe I may have PTSD from this because I think about some of those events. He was angry and malicious but some things he did were awful. Maybe only worse than what I did because they were cold and cruel. I know this and I hate him for it, because he took my good intentions and vulnerability and tossed it in the garbage.

 

-I am so humiliated and embarassed about what happened in front of our mutual friends (mostly his friends now). We had mutual friends that probably think we are nuts or bad for each other (even though actually his best friend thought we were soul mates and his sister kind of did too). Also I have distanced myself from them for that reason and I am sad because one of them is going to have a baby and I'm just disconnected from that part of my past friend group. I still love those friends.

 

-I think that as a child of divorce, I am really traumatized by the fact that we loved each other at some point (and always will in a certain way), and had so many things going for us, but that he couldn't forgive and learn from our issues to build a better relationship. He wouldn't commit to therapy or improving his emotional state. He always thought that no contact or time passing would calm him down. He was emotionally unintelligent in that regard.

 

-I am sad that we weren't on the same page at the same time. By the end of it all, I wanted us to view all the bad things that we had done to eachother as blessings because it illuminated what we both had to work on. But, I was the only one, it seemed, that was working on it. And then he would be taking drugs, partying, and not wanting to prioritze us. (I wrote about this in the original post)

 

-I am sad that I have a healthy relationship now but it's healthy because my current boyfriend knows all the things I was trying to teach my ex.

 

-But again, I am sad that I traumatized my ex and so he wasn't healed/open enough to learn them (also because he has difficulty learning emotional/relational things anyway).

 

-I am sad that we truly may not have kids together. This was a big dream of mine (ours at one point). The fact that I write "may not" makes me feel pathetic, because I cannot help but hold out hope that some kind of positive outcome will come of this. I know it's unlikely. It's not impossible because we are both alive and nothing is final but death. I know kids don't solve problems, they make them worse.

 

-I feel ridiculous because my ex has high blood pressure and I actually worry about his health still even though I have no business in doing so.

 

-I am confused because I'm in a healthy relationship now that has been so good for me, and I really am happy about that, yet I miss my ex.

 

-I feel the irony in that I'm capable (and ready) to be in one now but I don't think I was 100% ready when I was with my ex .

 

-I'm sad because I'll NEVER have the same connection to anybody as I did with my ex. It's not that I haven't given it a shot or haven't met people. It's not that I don't love, respect or admire my current bf in many ways. It's that even though my ex and I were immature and did not respect eachother enough (and were long distance, military, etc.), we were best friends and loved eachother deeply. I think also because we were friends our expectations of eachother were far too high. It makes me so sad.

 

-I hate to admit this, but sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is the idea that it's only been 5-6 months of TOTAL no contact. I've literally prayed to the universe for some kind of positive outcome. Yes, already my life has gotten so much better and I know I'm in such a better state, so in many ways this has been a necessary, good thing.

 

-I contacted my ex in June to talk about having a closure ceremony or meeting or something with a therapist, because I was having trouble moving on and I felt like a failure because I tried everything and I just wanted to move on. He said that maybe he could do it in September (last month) or before New Years but we haven't spoken. I met up with his sister (his sister and mom love me, I haven't seen his mom in years but we exchange hellos through the sister, who I think I inherited as a sister-in-law even if I end up with someone else...isn't that weird) and apparently he is with the same girl that he was with on and off for over a year now. This is the same girl that he told me (when we met up at a party approximately a year ago) that was even crazier than me and that by comparison I wasn't crazy, and that she told lame stories (he'd broken it off with her at that point). When I commented that she was ugly (shes not actually ugly, she's just not me, so of course I'm going to hate her) he was like, come on, she was a super model, everyone would comment when we'd go out together. I wanted to ing kill him when he said that because literally that's insensitive and rude and also, I suspect, malicious. He took it back. I know that I'm not bad looking by any means but I used to be insecure when I was chubby as a high schooler so I feel like he knows that.

 

-Which brings me to another conflicting emotion: I also HATE my ex, for the above reason, and that he made me feel less than, often out of spite or maliciousness: less pretty than, less important than, less sane than....etc. I'm not. I know this and it makes me literally hate him for not respecting me. Maybe he feels the same way, but I am after all the one who spent the last two years trying to get him to therapy, apologizing making amends, etc.

 

I'm writing this because obviously I'm still a mess in some way, in my head. I am NOT as much of a mess as I was and I'm not a mess in my head as often as I was. It HAS gotten better. In fact, as I said in the above post, I feel good most of the time. But mostly I just hate the fact that I MISS HIM. I miss him because my love for him hasn't gone anywhere. I've had break ups before this - my high school boyfriend trampled on my heart and I was kind of devastated for a year, but this is different. This connection was different.

 

I also am sad because I realize that as time passes I don't know him anymore and I remember him less and less accurately. I mean, I think I'll always know him a little because, I dunno, I just do - I've known him since he was 17, was in other countries with him, I would anticipate what he was going to joke about or eat when we were together (even when we were fighting).

 

The only thing that calms me down besides letting myself have a good cry once in a while and writing stuff like this is the idea that he will get it. I truly believe that if he and I really wanted to work through stuff, we would get help and figure it out. That's the only way it would work, to start over, and at this point it will either be over forever or we'd start over. But I truly am acting as though that will never happen, hence the grieving.

 

I end this entry with a feeling of disgust when I think about how he acted and treated me. I actually don't love or feel connected to that person or that version of him, it's just that I can't get myself to 100% believe that wasn't a phase/reaction to trauma as well.