Is it possible for my ex and I to get back together, given the circumstances?

[nanafiore]

My ex (23M) and I (22F) have recently broken up. We were together for almost 2 years. Our relationship was messy in all-sorts. We are each others first committed relationship. (Background story on my ex though: his mom left him when he was 1, his dad recently passed away in 2012, he doesnt have any friends who live nearby as all of them live in different parts of the state, hes a huge, antisocial homebody as well.)

 

Our relationship was smooth sailing (small fights here and there) until we moved in together (we were about 10 months into our relationship). I let him move in with me due to him having financial issues and we couldnt find a place that fits his budget (coincidentally, my roommate was moving out next month). Once he moved in, we started having numerous fights and I started to get emotionally distant from him due to being fed up with his actions. When he first moved in, our relationship was healthy, but as soon as he slowly spiral down at work, it seems like our relationship problems magnified as well.

 

From November 2015-January 2016

- I had to pay for our rent (he owed up to 1000 by March 2016). He stopped going to work regularly because work stressed him out. He would make around 200 a month and our rent was around 530. In addition, he had his gym membership, insurance, gaming accounts, and Spotify accounts. I took our a student loan from school since I didnt have a job at the time, but I ended up using most of it to cover both of our rents.

 

- He stayed home 24/7 (dropped out of school due to work) since he did not have money to go out. It was my senior year of college so I chose to go out a lot as I wanted to make the best out of it. (He later told me he was envious of my friends because I didnt spend any time with him).

 

- We had problems communicating with one another (both passive aggressive introverts who are very new to relationships). With worse fights, we yell at each other and I always threw out the phase I dont think this is going to work out and left to go drive around the city to calm down (this stressed him out as well). Once the fight dies, we do not necessarily talk about the problem after, but we instead push it away (and of course, it reappears). Im also usually the first one to approach him about the matter to apologize for what I said.

 

In February 2016, we had a fight and he told me he couldnt do it any longer as he lost feelings for me. It was then I realized how much of a brat I was being and when I looked back on it, he did put in the effort in making me happy and tried to communicate/make amends with me, but I was also too stubborn/bundled up in my needs to recognize his efforts and his needs. (I always felt bad how I left him to deal with his work stress while I hung out with my friends. I realized during this time, he was incredibly lonely and I wasnt there to help him.) We broke up for THREE days and got back together (on his accord). Of course, this time around, we did not talk about how to fix-up our relationship (except he told me I needed to fix my temper and emotion issues) and a week later, the same problems resurfaced. I apologized him back and he gave me another chance.

 

From March 2016-June 2016

- I asked him what his ideal girlfriend was and he said someone that is a good cook, cheerful, can shower him with love. I tried molding myself into this image as I spent time cooking for him (I never did before), and trying my best to be positive/happy when Im around him. I even tried taking an interest in his hobbies (gaming). In the meanwhile, I still tried to have a social life as well since it was the last quarter at school.

 

- We still had our regular fights but theyre much more tamed. (He started his new job at his brothers company and although a better job, he still gets stressed out. He paid me what he owed me and started paying for his share.)

On Memorial Day weekend, he told me he still doesnt have any strong feelings for me still. This devastated me because I asked him why does he still tell me he loves me and he told me he felt that he had to as a sign of appreciation. He also told me that he decided to stay with me because he had no other place to live. We decided that instead of breaking up, we will still continue testing the waters to see where things go.

 

- On my graduation day, he was being a brat the entire day. I was running late to my ceremony and I asked him if he can drop me off in front of the venue and he can park my car after. He got mad at me for asking him to do so. He then kept commenting on how he wants to go home and didnt see the point in going. He rushed me to go home after graduation so I couldnt take pictures with my friends. In the car, he didnt congratulate me and kept talking about his problems at work. Later at night, I was with my parents and my dad wanted to go get desserts. I called him to let him know that Ill be going home late and he hung up the phone on me. I then texted him a rant about how he inconsiderate he was being and how he ruined my entire day with his attitude. He then told me to f,off and told me it was over between us. Cancelling on my dad, I drove back home to confront him and he told me how stress he has been at work and needed me to be here for him. He told me he loved me (I thought he meant it) and I told him I loved him too. We spent the rest of the night together.

 

- 2 weeks later, we got into an argument as I found it was weird that he was affectionate for 2 weeks and then started acting really cold towards me again. He then told me he has been acting this entire time because by doing so, we would be at peace (basically not fighting nor talking about the relationship). He told me he wants to go see other people as he felt if he stayed in this relationship, he is settling and believes he deserves better. He also said that he felt stuck with me as he was scared I may do something to hurt myself if he broke up with me. I asked him to reconsider as we still had a month left in our apartment lease and he can tell me his answer at the end of the month.

 

From July 2016-August 2016

- I kept questioning him throughout the month as I really wanted to talk to him about the relationship (almost every single day). However, this only pushed him further away from me. Last week of July, he told me it was a maybe and we can keep seeing each other (we were moving to separate places - I found him the place he is staying at now); however, after an argument, he told me he was just going to ghost out on me and never contact me again after we moved out. He also told me he was also saying maybe out of pity.

 

- On the third to last day of us moving out of the apartment, I told him my final thoughts on the relationship and I accepted the break up. I also then told him I will always be here for him if he needed someone to talk to and that if one day, he decides he sees this relationship is worth it after all, then he can contact me (which he said he will do when hes ready).

 

- He confessed to me that he needed a place to stay temporarily since his new apartment wasnt ready to be moved into yet for another two weeks. I offered him to stay with me (since I still couldnt let the relationship go). He asked me out to dinner and after, he told me he misses having dinners with me. The next day, we went on errands together and he then came back from the gym and told me that hes been thinking and he misses what we had and thinks that it is space is what we need.

 

- For the two weeks we lived together at my new apartment, it was fine for the first few days. Then I got insecure again and I started questioning him about the relationship. At the end of the two weeks and while I helped him move into his new apartment, he told me that we can continue hanging out but he is now going to actively search for a new girlfriend as he wants to see whats out there. (This really bothers me but then again how and where is he going to find a new gf? He once told me he's going to approach girls at the gym?) He also then (in tears) disclosed to me how lonely he has felt since March and how unhappy he has been in this relationship. He also cried that he knows how much hes being hurting me in this relationship and is only open to starting a relationship with me again if /I CHANGE/ (my attitude he says), but at the moment, he does NOT think its very possible that we get into a relationship again as he does NOT love me.

 

Its been a week and we are still in contact. He came over to my place to pick up his things and he again told me we need space and when I asked him if he has hope he tells me he doesnt know. He calls and asks me to come over to spend the night and to hang out. I hung out with him the other day and he got mad at me when he thought I was talking to another guy. I also told him about the housing situation that Ill be facing soon (homeless for 2-3 weeks lol... ironic) and he offered his place to stay (Im tempted to take up on the offer as itll be rent free and I did let him stay at my new apartment for 2 weeks for free as well.)

 

I love him, I believe that I really do and I really want us to fix our relationship so that it can be healthy once again. I just know to increase my chances of him possibly wanting to try again is to 1) not question about the relationship 2) to undergo changes silently in hopes that he notices. I also hope that he sees that us not living together and having our own separate lives will aid in the process too. I DO worry that he may start looking towards other girls but at the moment, I'm not too worried because he once told me he goes to the gym to focus on his workout and he typically does not approach people. (Also, the gym he goes to is expensive so I doubt many girls of his age goes to such a gym.) My logic (plan of action?) is that if we keep hanging out (on his accord), he sees that I am trying to change for the better, and that I don't pester him about the relationship until it's time, then he may not be looking towards other girls if he has a reason to stick around.

 

Any advice on my situation will deeply be appreciated!

 

Thank you!

[kbbcoop77]

Advice??? DUMP HIM. He's an inconsiderate immature narcissistic brat and once you cleanse him from your life and heal for a bit you'll see with new found clarity he's a waste of time. You can do so much better than this douche nozzle.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but being a doormat for a loser who "has no feelings for you" is not a good life plan for you. Nor is hanging around desperately changing yourself to be his servant while he dates others.

 

Work on yourself with regard to finding housing, continuing with work/school and get counseling to improve your self esteem. You can not 'fix' a relationship that someone else doesn't want.

- I had to pay for our rent. he lost feelings for me. I asked him what his ideal girlfriend was and he said someone that is a good cook, cheerful, can shower him with love. I tried molding myself into this image

 

we can continue hanging out but he is now going to actively search for a new girlfriend as he wants to see whats out there.

 

My logic (plan of action?) is that if we keep hanging out, he sees that I am trying to change for the better, and that I don't pester him about the relationship until it's time.

[Hollyj]

It should have ended when this loser stopped paying his share and working. But, this should have been the nail in coffin: "On Memorial Day weekend, he told me he still doesnt have any strong feelings for me still. This devastated me because I asked him why does he still tell me he loves me and he told me he felt that he had to as a sign of appreciation. He also told me that he decided to stay with me because he had no other place to live. We decided that instead of breaking up, we will still continue testing the waters to see where things go."

OMG!!!!!!! GURRRRRRL, where is your self respect?????

 

This guy does not give a s*it about you. You know this, but continue to plod on with this idiot. UGH!

 

"He then told me he has been acting this entire time because by doing so, we would be at peace (basically not fighting nor talking about the relationship). He told me he wants to go see other people as he felt if he stayed in this relationship, he is settling and believes he deserves better. He also said that he felt stuck with me as he was scared I may do something to hurt myself if he broke up with me. I asked him to reconsider as we still had a month left in our apartment lease and he can tell me his answer at the end of the month. " This gets worse and worse. What were you thinking?

 

You'll always be there for someone that tried you like absolute crap? I can't believe you let this guy live with you again! What is it about how he treats you that you love? This is one of the worst stories I have read on this site.

 

You should have walked from the beginning, you knew who he was, so this is on you. You want a man that does not like, or respect you, he has shown you, and told you from the start. He has used you repeatedly and is actively seeking other women while you give him you support, sex and money. This is on you. You need some therapy to understand why you would think you deserve this nothing relationship.

 

BTW, your relationship was never healthy.

[nihongo]

You two have gotten back together 100 times, so why is the 101st time going to be better? Just you improving yourself is not gonna cut it. He needs counseling to learn to express himself when he's stressed at work and lonely and to learn how to not displace his anger. Regardless, I'm sorry to say this but he's just not that into you. I'm sure deep down he cares for you and misses you, but the fact that he talks about other girls gives you your answer. He may not act on it now, but he will some day.

[Hollyj]

You two have gotten back together 100 times, so why is the 101st time going to be better? Just you improving yourself is not gonna cut it. He needs counseling to learn to express himself when he's stressed at work and lonely and to learn how to not displace his anger. Regardless, I'm sorry to say this but he's just not that into you. I'm sure deep down he cares for you and misses you, but the fact that he talks about other girls gives you your answer. He may not act on it now, but he will some day.

 

Im sorry, but where in her story, do you see any care coming from his side? He told her that he never had feelings for her, and stayed with her because he had no where else to go? He never did anything for this woman, it was her, twisting herself in knots to accommodate him. He used her all along.