I need to move on from him but how?

[Lou87]

Hi all, I have come here for advice. My heart is totally over ruling my head and i need to hear some honest opinions on how to be happy again. I am a 28 year old female and was with my ex for 4 years, we go together not long after my mum passed away and it was a really distressing time for me and something I have struggled to come to terms with. In the 4 years we were together he cheated on me numerous times (he is in the army) messaged many people behind my back, was verbally abusive to me and made me lose whatever self confidence I once had. He used to threaten to end the relationship on a regular basis if I asked him anything that wasn't deemed as acceptable, so I became scared, was walking on egg shells and stayed just so I wasn't lonely, being 28 I have put enormous pressure on myself by wanting a family and to settle down, it is something I think about on a regular basis. Just before Xmas 2015 I finally plucked up the courage to leave him, I did this when he wasn't home as I know he would've become threatening and just thrown my things into the street. I calmly packed all of my belongings and left him, I called told him it was over and his response? Ok that's fine. In between Xmas and new year we met a couple of times but I put another stop to it when one weekend he got drunk and again became verbally abusive. Months passed and I was starting to feel great, I didn't have to worry about him, what he was up to, who he was with I was quite content with my life, that is until June of this year when I stupidly text him, he had been on my mind and i could not stop thinking about him. We stayed in contact until the end of July that was until we met and whilst I was with him spending some time with him I saw him texting another girl really slating me, saying he wished he was with her and not spending time with me etc, as soon as I saw this I left, got a phone call from him calling me some of the most disgusting names for looking over his shoulder whilst he was texting and that was it. Even after all of this I pined for him, cried everyday, couldn't function properly due to thinking about him and what he was up to .... Then just as I start to kind of get myself back on track he texted me on the 8th of August apologising, saying how badly he had treat me that our break up has affected him more than he thought, that he's depressed (he was in Kenya from the end of July until recently) and wanted to come home. Stupidly I've been there for him everyday constantly, I went to pick him up from his camp on Tuesday of this week and brought him home, I spent some time with him last night but I don't know why! I know I am no angel and I can be annoying, irritating and go on a bit but I am not a bad person. After all I've done for him he still is verbally abusive towards me, he doesn't shout he screams at me, spit flying out of his mouth, going redder and redder and shaking, this can be over something as little as me making sure he's not messaging someone else because I don't want to be made a fool of even though I know that happened a long time ago. Why do I go back constantly? Why am I scared of not having him in my life even though he makes me severely unhappy? Why am I so bothered if he is messaging other people or meeting up with them? I really need some advice, I don't tell my friends or family what is happening because they all despise him and I don't want them knowing anything. All I want is to be happy.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you were vulnerable when you met. Abusive relationships create bonds and cycles that are hard to break free from. Obviously you must end it leave go no contact and block him from everything. Tell friends and family what is happening.

 

It will only get worse and meanwhile you won't find a decent man. Get help from domestic violence agencies. Start researching "abusive relationships"

he cheated on me numerous times.verbally abusive to me He used to threaten to end the relationship on a regular basis. he still is verbally abusive towards me, he doesn't shout he screams at me, spit flying out of his mouth, going redder and redder and shaking

[Blue Ridge]

You did the right thing by not sharing your personal business with family while you were in a relationship with him, that much is sure. Now that it's over, you can tell them why. But the biggest thing here is, you need to leave this man and go completely no contact. That means block his phone number, email, any social media accounts, everything. He's abusive and a cheater, why do you want him back? You will never be able to trust him, and you have no reason to believe he will ever treat you well. Move on. It will hurt for a while, but not nearly like it will if you stay in contact with him.

[gebaird]

You know you won't find happiness if you continue this relationship. Not ever.

 

Being single can be scary and lonely, but it's the only path that can lead to being with someone who actually loves you or at the very least treats you with basic human decency. You need to cut him out of your life completely and you need to do it today. You do NOT want to have a family and settle down with this guy. He is incapable of giving you what you most want. In fact, his presence in your life is keeping you from achieving your goals.

 

It's difficult to rebuild your self-esteem after being in a situation like this. That's part of the reason you keep going back, perhaps, because you feel like no one decent would ever want you. It isn't true, but that doesn't keep you from thinking it.

 

This is what I think it will take for you to be happy again:

 

1) Ditch the dirtbag. Break up, go no contact and block him everywhere.

 

2) Find a counselor or women's shelter or other organization in your area that helps abused women. You are not going to be able to escape on your own; you need an ally, an outside perspective, someone who will lovingly call you out when you're thinking crazy.

 

3) Stay single for a while so you can work on healing.

 

Sometimes it's better to wait for the things you want rather than trying to force them. I hope the time will come when you are able to meet someone wonderful and have the family you've always dreamed of. You can start moving in that direction by freeing yourself from the prison that is now your life. You hold the key that can set you free.

 

I think it would also help if you could confide in a trusted friend or family member who can help you through this in a non-judgmental way. That may not be an option for you, but I wanted to suggest it because I know that's helped me through many of my relationship challenges.

[Lou87]

Thank you so much. Reading your response has made me realise I must completely let go and get him out of my life, even though I know it's going to be tremendously difficult. I have mailed my local women's aid to see if I can go and speak to someone there. Thank you again, I am going to read this everyday to remind myself of every reason why I am doing the right thing in walking away.

[Lou87]

Thank you for your advice and for taking the time to respond, you're advice is very appreciated.

[moodindigo91]

This sounds almost exactly like my last relationship and I'm still stuck in it... my boyfriend or ex or whatever he is was in the Navy, and though he never admitted to cheating, I caught him on numerous hook up apps and websites, messaging other women (talking crap about me), even messaging his ex. We live together, I was also vulnerable when we met, and I moved across the country to live with him. I was the same way, afraid to bring anything up with him, always walking on eggshells because he did break up and threaten to break up with me numerous times, even one time took all the pictures we had together around the apartment and the gifts I had made him and threw them in the dumpster. He's pushed me, called me nasty names, and brings up the fact that I've snooped on him several times (the only reason I snooped is because he was a liar). It has gotten to the point where I literally feel crazy. I know that I should be able to walk away, but for some reason I can't. They come back and apologize and you wonder why you can't ever just let him go. Things are relatively great between us now because he has been begging for me to stay... I still haven't made the decision to leave and have even gotten myself involved with another man (a great man, who has feelings for me but who I have intentionally kept a distance from because I don't want to do anything that might be construed as cheating... since I'm still in a very uncertain place with my boyfriend).

 

It really, really sucks. I've been in this situation for 3 years because I am not strong enough or just can't seem to find the strength to leave. I love him terribly and he loves me. I know that love is not enough though, and I know I want to be alone. I try to tell him that but somehow he persuades me to believe otherwise and I remain. I remain because things are good now, and I'm afraid to leave. I can't pin it down. I can't do much about it because I feel paralyzed and I can't afford therapy. I've posted on here so many times, knowing that people would tell me I'm stupid and I should leave, giving me reasons to justify my leaving. I get so motivated every day when I'm at work reading these responses and reading other people's stories, but then I go home to him and I forget everything. Every ounce of strength is lost, and I just do whatever he asks of me.

 

This guy is bad news for you. I can give you advice all day long about it. I can tell you everything you want to hear that will help you justify in your head walking away completely. Ultimately though, you have to find the strength within yourself to grab onto your own happiness, and not allow anyone to take it from you. This is something I'm still working on, and I hope that you find the way. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Wish you the best, yes walk way and get whatever help, support, info you need to break free.

I have mailed my local women's aid to see if I can go and speak to someone there. Thank you again, I am going to read this everyday to remind myself of every reason why I am doing the right thing in walking away.

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[Lou87]

Brienoch - it is mentally draining isn't it. I relate to your post so much, and I wish you all the best. I am talking myself into blocking everything of his but it is so difficult, I am going to try and give it my all in walking away and I hope you do too one day.