Can't find happiness after the end of my relationship :(

[Lovelavie]

My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. We dated for a year and a half and it was a very intense relationship. We had our arguments but he made me happy in many ways and he was the person I every truly loved. He decided to break up with me because we were no longer getting along on many issues and instead of working them out he decided to leave. Ever since, things haven't been so good for me. I've been trying to tell myself that I'm happy without him, but it's a lie. I've gone from extreme positive and happy moments to completely depressing ones. I have lost count of how many times I went back home after going out on the weekend alone and crying, missing him and feeling empty.

Last week I asked him out for dinner. I just felt like it was the right thing to do, I wanted to bring him closer to me, I wanted to see if we could try again and take things slow but it turned out horrible.

 

I spilled out my feelings for him and I even cried and he was cold and rational the whole time, it was like he was even trying to show some feeling when in reality there was none. It was agonizing, seeing the person I had loved so much feel nothing towards me, I felt like I didn't mean anything to him. He simply moved on with his life like I never even existed.

 

I know everyone has their way of mourning, but his actions were so cold towards me. He said I was a great girlfriend but we just don't work out and we're on different situations in our lives, which is BS because couples stick together through everything if they want to be together, it is just an excuse to say he doesn't love me anymore.

 

I have a job where I work at home, so I feel really alone at times, so on the weekends I want to go out and see people but at the end of the day I feel like I have no real friends and this is all pointless. I feel like my life has stagnated and I have nothing to look forward too. Sure, I'm investing in my career but besides that there's nothing else. Work during the week days and go out on the weekends, but at the end you realize you're alone. Also I've been having family issues which only adds to this whole mess.

 

I usually go out to clubs and bars but I miss having someone to go out to dinner with or go to the movies. I miss having someone care about me. I feel like I make no difference in anyone's life and I'm scared I might me depressed. I never thought this break up would do such things to me. When I was with him, I felt safe, even if the world was falling apart, I had him. And I don't have any interest in meeting anyone. I don't feel attracted to anyone, if I find them physically attractive they're not so attractive on the inside so it doesn't really appeal to me. I'm done with the one night stand things because they seem pointless to me.

 

I just feel lost, alone, insignificant. I can't get my head wrapped around the fact that he moved on so easily while even after all this time my heart still skips a beat because of him. How can a break up do such damage to a person?

[Wiseman2]

What did he mean by that?

we just don't work out and we're on different situations in our lives

[Lovelavie]

He has a job that requires a lot of his time and he has to travel a lot. However, after we broke up, these trips suddenly "stopped" so I feel like he was fooling me this whole time going on trips longer than they had to be just to have free time away from me. I understand he has a job that stresses him out and I have always been there for him. We enjoy the same things, we like going out to the same place, we actually have a lot in common so I really feel like this is just an excuse for him to say he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

[gebaird]

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry! I broke up with someone years ago and thought I was over her, but sometimes I still find myself missing her. Have you ever read Shel Silverstein's book "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O"? It's all about relationships - about achieving the right level of connection with someone so that you can live without them but also like being with them (avoiding codependency or being too independent). You are definitely depressed - the question is, will the depression end? Will you be able to create a new life without him and be happy? 3 months is not long enough, in my opinion, to be able to fully answer that question. Everyone grieves differently, but 3 months or 6 months from now you might not feel the way you do at this moment. Time doesn't always heal, but it can create perspective and new opportunities. Please don't base your worth on what he thinks of you. He obviously doesn't see the real you -- not anymore, anyway. I don't know why it ended, but it did, and all you can do is focus on YOU, not him. If he chooses to be cold and distant, there probably isn't very much you can do about that -- not if you've tried to make it right and can't. When I experience a traumatic event like the end of a relationship, at first it's all I can think about -- it consumes my life, my every waking thought. But gradually I get to the point where I can choose whether or not to attach to thoughts that cause me pain. I can decide if I want a lonely night, aching for what I've lost and looking through old photos, etc. Or I can search for new direction and meaning, accepting rather than lamenting my fate. The end of a relationship is always difficult, but it doesn't have to mean the end of your happiness.

[ControlDenied]

You are in the fog right now. Is on you to get yourself out of the fog and nobody will do it for you. Take days one at the time and do things you like to do. Become a happy human by yourself and things will start to go your way.

DO NOT EVER GIVE ANYONE THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AS YOU HAVE GIVE TO THIS MAN.

[Waraqqa]

I can't really offer much advice, but just to say a few supportive words. Break-ups can wreak havoc on one, and often it happens unexpectedly. I mean, one expects to be sad after smth like that, but then it strikes you by surprise as to How Much loneliness, emptiness, longing, coldness it feels. So, at the very least know that you are normal, and you are not alone. There are many many others who go through similar experiences and feel in similar ways.

 

I still haven't pulled the plug officially, but someone I was with moved to another continent due to job reasons - it made total sense, and he did the right thing, otherwise he'd be unemployed here. Anyway, I knew for about three months that it was coming up, and braced myself, and thought I'd be all ok. But after he actually left, and the reality sunk in (we don't really have any prospects for the future since I prefer to stay here, it'd be very suboptimal for me to move there), I was in so much pain and so depressed. It really took me by surprise. I suppose all the time one spends together can be very bonding. And if you add physical togetherness, there you go, it is not just love but also has components of addiction. It takes time for the brain to work through the withdrawals and form new neurons for the new reality. But it will. And you will achieve the "new normal". It will happen, and it will be ok.

 

As for the overall life emptiness etc, I can also relate. I've some prospects, and love my current job (though soon contract will end). But as a grad student/researcher, I often also work from home; and even when I go to the office, it is still my work that has nothing to do with the office mates, we simply share space. As a result, I'm very solitary like that. Moreover, this person was my only true close friend in this entire town (I've only lived here since Oct). Therefore, I don't even have anyone to go out with at the weekend let alone really bond. So, it is just work and home, and both are solitary. Yes, I know what it's like to feel lonely and go on for days not talking to anyone except a post office clerk and a neighbour's cat. Not sure what the recipe is... Sometimes just taking one day at a time and doing your best, I'm not sure.

 

But just to let you know, you are not the only one who has these feelings now. I'm with you there.

[Lovelavie]

Thank you for the conforting words. I feel like throughout these months I've been telling myself I was over it when it only took one dinner too make me feel like we broke up yesterday all over again. It's sad to think that if he asked me to be his girlfriend again I would accept it in a heartbeat. It kills me to think about him being with someone else, sleeping or doing nice things with someone else. I never thought I'd feel this way towards someone, I never thought I could love someone this deeply. I wish there was a way to forget about him, I wish I could be happy single, I wish I could get over him just as easily as he got over me...

 

I don't understand why this is happening to me. I feel like everything is falling apart, I feel alone. I've been in bed all day, no energy to do anything... before I saw him yesterday I was doing just fine but after the dinner it's all ruined again.

 

People say time heals, but it's been 3 months and my feelings haven't changed so it's starting to scare me a bit. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to be sad anymore. I cannot stand waking up everyday and not knowing what I am doing with my life and seeing no point in anything.

[Waraqqa]

Dear Lovelavie,

 

Once again, I can relate. In my case, the individual would like to be with me, but since it doesn't look like it's going to happen, eventually there is likely to be other people, and that thought so far has never been easy or pleasant for me, it is utterly unpleasant.

 

Three months is a sizable amount of time, but not quite long yet. When I broke up with my first boyfriend (I was only eighteen at that time), even though it was not super-serious or very involved, I remember it took me about 8-9 months to stop feeling really depressed. I think it was my first full-on lengthy depression, and I remember how it took me by surprise. When I was breaking up with him, I thought: what's so hard, a bit painful, but I gotta be decisive, pull the bandaid, and go on. And then I was struck by these unexpected waves of depression, not immediately, but in somewhat irregular patterns; one month later, three months later, and so on. It was like pangs, and I had to get through each one. Until about 9 months later when I felt normal and ok again.

 

The worst break-up I had (from someone I really wanted to marry) took me about 6 months to feel just kind of better, and almost a full year to be ok. I really loved him, and as a result of that loss experienced not only loneliness, depression, sense of pointlessness, but even some physical issues such as insomnia and chronic pain. I also lived in another country at the time and didn't really have any friends (well, I change countries a lot, and it can make things way harder).

 

So, the point of my sharing is to encourage you and let you know that just because you didn't magically get over it in 3 months, it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you and you'll never get better - sometimes it just takes longer; but over time, if you are patient, it WILL get better. The important thing, however, is not to go back to that "place" in terms of meeting with him again or having such dinners. In fact, I strongly recommend going no contact. And if you have anything that reminds you of him, it may be a great idea to discard those. And to delete reminders on email/social media, etc.

 

I say all the same things to myself. I still talk to the person occasionally, but am also considering to pretty much cut the chord at least for a sizable number of months or however long I may need to really detach. In my case, he didn't do anything wrong at all, but often I just start to get better and then read his email or see him on skype, and sort of mentally "get back on the needle" like a drug addict, you know? And then I have to do all the detaching work and take again a lot of time. I've been in this limbo zone for a while. So, perhaps we both need to be more determined and kind to ourselves.

 

In your case, I also strongly recommend not to base your self-worth on what some (even him) thinks or wants (or not) with you. And if someone doesn't want to be with you, why on Earth should you want to be with them? Why squander your precious self on someone who does not value it enough to keep it? Or maybe you two were just incompatible and it was never meant to be.

 

Have you tried helping yourself with methods such as a make-over or pampering? It won't magically make you all feel great again, but in my experience it helps - also as a symbolic gesture of starting a new life: something new with your hair (colour or cut or whatever), nails or smth, a new morning exercise routine (you'll have to Force yourself in the beginning), discarding some old clothes and replacing with new (even smth small like underwear or pyjamas); redecorating at home or at least getting rid of a few old things and rearranging the furniture to get a "new" feeling, and so on.

[Tanzi]

It's only been three months. In fact it's only been a week since you last saw him in an attempt to get back with him. It is still quite fresh. Very fresh in that sense. Plus, if this is your first love then it is also your first heartbreak .... and you know what "they" say about the first cut being the deepest.

 

It's tough but what you are feeling is not unusual. You just need to be patient with yourself. You will get through this.

[Ms Darcy]

It's only been three months. In fact it's only been a week since you last saw him in an attempt to get back with him. It is still quite fresh. Very fresh in that sense. Plus, if this is your first love then it is also your first heartbreak .... and you know what "they" say about the first cut being the deepest.

 

This is very true. I would add to this that you are remembering this relationship with rose colored glasses. Going by your many threads about him, pretty every week the stuff he was doing made you very unhappy.