Reasons for single ladies turning me down

[Ajaxajax1]

And as for signs of receptiveness coming from a woman, I rarely have any circumstances where receptiveness happens consistently. In other words, most interactions with women I've had were warm one minute, cold thereafter. Unless a woman puts on a fake positive front just to try to not get to know my heart, but to get to know something else...my wallet! Now...ladies, I went through too much hard work, sacrifice and fear of permanent failure in life for me to warrant such apparent disrespect and fakedom just because my father gave me a Y chromosome, thus making me male...

[Wiseman2]

Try less obtuse,insulting conversations. Think of something interesting and witty instead.

She got particularly frosty after I mentioned that I went to the US and that I found that you can experience the REAL America by not watching daytime TV.

[Ajaxajax1]

I thought that was witty and interesting...never intended as insulting. Sorry for insulting the US in that regard...God...

 

And, the worst part of making mistakes...is not knowing you've made a mistake unless you already cop the consequences...

[Ms Darcy]

Sometimes people don't want strangers coming up to them and talking to them. That's their right.

[cactisucculent]

Catisucculent, a mysogynist...I do understand you seeing me as that. But I'm actually anything but...I've a mother, a young niece and not ONE, not TWO but THREE sisters (all of whom I love very much). And, I'm extremely proud of the fact that women found a higher purpose in their lives than just being mere housemaids. And, I - as a man - am ridiculously saddened by one in 3 women being sexually assaulted before her 18th birthday!

 

As for women getting creeped on, I'm all too aware of this...how come I joke with my sisters occasionally: how many times did you get hit on last night? I don't care if a woman tells me to get lost because of fear of being creeped on...but what I do care about is the inconsistency demonstrated by some women I try to talk to. OK for women to talk to guys who equally creep them out, but not OK for them to talk to me? (in other words)

 

Having females in your life, loving females, and caring about selective "female" issues, does not mean you aren't a misogynist. The way you talk about women is as if they owe you something and that they're defective. Your comment about women being nice only for you wallet is further proof you have no respect for women.

 

The fact is, if you are consistently being turned down, you are the common denominator. Stop acting like women owe you anything, stop acting like women are a possession, and stop blaming women for your inability to connect to them. Until then, you won't find a decent woman willing to give you the time of day.

[Blue Spiral]

Women don't owe us anything.

 

We don't owe women anything, either. Not money (dating) or commitment or anything like that.

 

It's a great setup, actually...

[Ajaxajax1]

Careful, blue spiral...I don't want a man vs woman thread here...we are all equals, as far as I'm concerned...especially in terms of how much either gender "owes" the other...

 

Cacti...I'm not sure if me not having luck with socialising with women (let alone dating them) is because of a mysogynistic entitlement problem that you claim that I have. Are you saying that I'm not even entitled to a little bit of respect when being dealt with by women because it's their right not to show respect "as if I did come from Chernobyl". If there is one thing that I think both genders owe to each other is actually a bit of respect.

 

That is something that I'm not sure you are displaying towards me here. I'm not a perfect male, but I now find it very difficult to tell if a woman's receptive or just being friendly (I'm tired of having to guess and second guess and third guess etc). You're basically saying that me approaching women is a total waste of time just because I appear as mysogynistic. And, suddenly, a woman being surrounded by 10 guys at a bar chitchatting is NOT mysogynistic?!!!

 

If you could kindly tell me what the difference is between a woman being friendly and a woman being receptive, I'd love to hear it. Likewise on the difference between a cold lady and a normal lady being defensive. Then, I might be able to "fully respect" the right of a woman to not want to talk to me as a stranger or as anything else...

[superfan]

Are you saying that I'm not even entitled to a little bit of respect when being dealt with by women because it's their right not to show respect "as if I did come from Chernobyl". If there is one thing that I think both genders owe to each other is actually a bit of respect.

 

Here's the thing you need to understand. It's not about respect, it's about fear. When a woman is cold or frosty towards you, it's because she is scared. It might be nothing to do with you. She might have just been aggressively hit on by someone who made her fear for her safety. She might be afraid you will mistake simple kindness as an invitation to more when she is genuinely just not interested. When I was single, I had ZERO interest in talking to strange men in bars because of past experiences. Also alcohol can make guys scary and you can never be sure who will respect a polite "no thank you" and who will continue to hit on you or follow you home. Seriously. It's happened. You might know that you are a nice guy who would never do that, but she doesn't.

 

If you are really willing to understand a woman's perspective about this, read this blog post:

 

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I personally would never talk to strange men. I have been followed home, I have had a guy drop his pants in front of me in the street, I have been grabbed, poked, touched, etc. in public without my consent. I have been told that I was going to be raped by my friend's 18 year old brother when I was 13 years old. Girls learn from a VERY early age to be fearful of the men they encounter. My friend was raped at knife point.

 

That is something that I'm not sure you are displaying towards me here. I'm not a perfect male, but I now find it very difficult to tell if a woman's receptive or just being friendly (I'm tired of having to guess and second guess and third guess etc). You're basically saying that me approaching women is a total waste of time just because I appear as mysogynistic. And, suddenly, a woman being surrounded by 10 guys at a bar chitchatting is NOT mysogynistic?!!!

 

If you could kindly tell me what the difference is between a woman being friendly and a woman being receptive, I'd love to hear it. Likewise on the difference between a cold lady and a normal lady being defensive. Then, I might be able to "fully respect" the right of a woman to not want to talk to me as a stranger or as anything else...

 

But that's just it - it is her right not to want to talk to you, regardless of whether you like her reasons. She might want to talk to another guy more than you. Also a valid reason. There might be a vibe you give off that (for whatever reason) makes her feel unsafe and that's fair. She doesn't have to justify that. How to tell if a woman is receptive? Small touches, prolonged eye contact, attempts to get "closer" to you - hell I would ask guys that I was interested in out myself. I get that it's frustrating.

 

I would maybe hold off on hitting on women in places like bars. The likelihood of getting very far is small. Try getting to knwo women through friends or online dating.

[superfan]

Also, OP, keep in mind that what makes a woman feel unsafe might not be your fault or within your control but is still valid to her.

 

Until I met my husband, I wouldn't date tall guys. I am only 5'3", so tall guys intimidated and scared me.

 

Yes, the guys I dated were taller than me (because it's hard to find a 5'3" dude) technically, but not very tall. I would typically go for guys in the 5'6" range because it made me feel like I coudl fend them off if I had to.

 

My husband (ironically) is 6'2" and I think the only reason his height didn't intimidate me was that we spent the bulk of our time getting to know each other through email. He was an ocean away so I wasn't physically intimidated by him.

[Ajaxajax1]

What can I say, tvnerdgirl...I'm really sorry you came across all those experiences related to men...and that's...in...CANADA?! An envy of the entire world?! And the same for what happened to your friend. Those animals (sorry, men...if you still like to call them) should have received the death penalty, even though Canada might not really be inclined to bring it in right now...

 

With me knowing the difference between a woman being flirty and just being friendly, I paused for a while and just looked up different sources on how to tell if a woman's receptive...even with the signs you're suggesting...would a woman just give those signs out straight away the first time she sees you or when something clicks in her? I'm starting to think that it could go either way. It's really up to me to see them and act upon them at the first instance without scaring her off.

 

Maybe, one last reason why I had extreme bad luck with women was something that had to do with me not letting go of "yesterday's crap" could be said in two words: scarcity mentality. That means that I feared that if a woman turns me down, then I won't have many more chances for love.

 

That mentality stemmed from literally hundreds of bad things that happened in my 35 years of existence...in Australia!!! (another envy of the entire world!!!). But, for simplicity and for not being counterproductive...I'll summarise the bad things that force fed this scarcity mentality down my throat:

- my Italian father's family's severe poverty whilst I was growing up, to the point where he had to be involved in the drugs trade

- prejudices I've experienced as an Italian Roman Catholic from both Italians in Australia (because of my Australian mother) and from many Australians, including Mum's own Protestant family (talk about me being worse than Northern Ireland)

- my high grades at high school not getting me into medical school on multiple occasions...whilst wealthy students of Australian, Asian and Indian backgrounds swamp the medical schools...only to end up with six figure salaries for all, whilst bringing the Aussie medical system so low that my Dad's mother and brother died due to medical incomepetence

- me being held back from a career in pharmacy by eight years...although I now work as a pharmacist, I'm dragged into an industry where government revenues are continuously slashed, pharmacy graduates being increasingly unemployed and us having to work harder just to have a reasonable quality of life

- me never having a single girlfriend and me never having a proper sexual relationship. I was forced to lose my virginity to a hooker my Dad knew as an initiation ritual...that hooker was later found at the time to be HIV POSITIVE! Thank God I was wearing a condom...and that was nearly 20 years ago...so I'm HIV negative (phew!)

 

Some scarcity mentality indeed...and I'm now having difficulties socialising because several months ago I moved as far away from my old city in the same way as moving from Toronto to Vancouver. At age 35, it's very hard to get regular social contacts made in a hurry, even with Meetup etc.

 

It looks like I better drop my scarcity mentality despite the above, dead quick. I'll look at that link you gave me as well.

[Ajaxajax1]

The link is actually dead...but I read enough about Schroedinger's cat experiment. I felt like asking myself: so...now some Australians and Canadians see all Italians as Schroedinger's mafiosi?

[Ajaxajax1]

Oh...one more thing after reading the blog...if a woman's always fearful about the possibility of sexual assault or worse...I hope that if she ever wants to talk to me, she should appreciate that, in my old city, my chances of getting raped (by another man), imprisoned, beaten, killed and/or made permanently homeless were not really any less and was as much of an everyday obsession...

[Wiseman2]

Having a nice job will help on dating apps.

I now work as a pharmacist. I was forced to lose my virginity to a hooker.

[Ajaxajax1]

Seriously, Wiseman?!