Boyfriend With Untreated ADD Stares At Women

[NYCKAT80]

I've got a great boyfriend, except for one thing: he can't stop staring at pretty girls. The problem is bigger than just a glance or a look because if we are somewhere and he sees one, he'll have to either: 1. Keep looking out of the corner of his eye or 2. Try to position himself so he can keep looking. It's strange because he's not a sneaky guy, very honest and sweet. It's the only thing that is a true problem in our relationship. I've spoken to him about it a million times but he says he is completely unaware that he does it. In fact, he didn't believe me when I told him what was happening. So, after about 4,000 fights (because I stopped wanting to leave the house with him) one night I said I was at the end of my rope and he was quiet and said back, "Well, I'm embarrassed by this. I don't know I'm doing it. I'll start working on this with my therapist." We just found out that he has ADD (and my therapist is convinced that this has something to do with the staring). He is being super slow about getting help on this and I'll tell you that I can't bring it up anymore (we're tired of fighting). So, I basically have to just try not to pay any attention. Last night there was an attractive woman who came in the cafe. He noticed her, but thankfully she sat behind him (if she's in front of us, he can't focus attention anywhere else). But, during dinner, it was as if he HAD to look behind him once. Then, as we're leaving, he's making sure to let me ahead of him so he can look...two more times. It's just bizarre because he's 50 and so thrilled to have found his "soulmate." He's not into anything else offensive, but I just feel so bad about this. It's like he's never seen a woman before. Breaks my heart...and I've been very anxious and thinking of getting on meds now.

[Seraphim]

ADD has zip to do with staring at women. My husband has ADHD also untreated he never stares at women. I think your bf is lying when he says he doesn't know he is doing it. He just likes to stare at women .

[Hollyj]

He's full of crap!

 

After mentioning it twice, I would be done if things had not changed.

 

It is completely disrespectful and I don;t understand why you stick with this weirdo.

[IAmFCA]

Can you see the therapist together? Because your relationship is disintegrating and it is becoming self destructive for you to remain in it.

 

There is an argument one can make for the add being related. I have ADHD also. Other people have other challenges. So what. It is his responsibility to manage his behavior.

 

Mine that I struggle with is time. I set alarms, I let people manage me, I try to leave early so that when I am late I will still be on time. It is such a simple thing and I am unsuccessful at fixing it, still.

 

I don't believe his behavior is so direct an outcome of the adhd, except that he has learned to use women as a way to provide stimulation to his brain. It seems to me he needs meds and an alternative habit. I would want to be part of the therapist conversation, because otherwise, you are asked not to take this personally. I think that is an unfair ask of you.

 

If your relationship were less important to you, I'd suggest you dump him. Way too much conflict over this issue, and it is not likely to go away. If it does, it will likely return in his later years. This needs to be a focus of therapy. Hypnotism, behavioral modification, and medication, all maybe called for.

 

BTW in all my ADHD research and therapy, this sort of behavior has never been mentioned. Not once. I have been a participant in ADHD research, in a relationship with a chaotic ADHD man, been diagnosed by three different psychiatrists, and read much.

 

Sit in with him and his therapist. This is a messed up situation that will get him in trouble.