Needing advice from a Pices female

[QML]

HELP NEEDED!!

 

I'm an Aquarius man with a Pices woman. Both the same age. Contrary to most Aquarians, I love LOVE. I love being attached. I love showing affection to my woman and reminding her everyday how crazy I am about her. I have been very consistent since day 1. However we've hit a brick wall and I feel that things will be ending which makes me really sad...during arguments, no matter how much I try and explain things for her to understand, she is only focused on the words I use and how they affect her emotionally and then says I'm attacking her, I'm hurting her, she must not be good enough for me or just some crazy drawn conclusions that have nothing to do with the argument. I keep reminding her that in words will always be taken as hurtful when we're both stating our points but she's gotta look beyond the words and understand the situation and why one person is feeling what they're feeling. She recently did something that affected our trust. She handled a situation poorly which I accepted and want to move on from. However being an an Aquarian, we are very attentive and notice little things. So I noticed something that made me have a moment of weakness where I felt unsure...but instead of letting me deal with it alone because I knew talking to her would result in a fight, she kept insisting that I talk to her about it. When I did I was told to deal with it or move on...I don't know if this is a Picean trait or just her not respecting me enough and there's where the complication with Astrology comes in sometimes because her reactions to me are very Picean related...but logically, make no sense...You broke something, you try and fix it, you hear me out, we work together. Those are the basics of any conflict resolution in a relationship isn't it? However I'm fighting this battle alone and no matter what I say to try and reason, it's a fight...I told her she hurt me and she says she didn't hurt me...REALLY? You don't get to decide if you hurt me or not when I'm flat out telling you I hurt you. Right now more than ever is when I need her and she's saying she needs time to heal and to be friends for now...That doesn't work for me...am I just fighting a losing battle here Pices? It seems in all the right I'm trying to do, I'm in turn just pushing her away...is it that night and day?

 

HB

[Wiseman2]

That explains it. You should be with Sagittarius, Libra or Gemini. It sounds like you argue too much, because you're not hearing each other.

I'm an Aquarius man with a Pices woman.

[missmarple]

Star signs aside, she's just not that into you. 'Deal with it or move on', no matter who it comes from, means lack of interest...and, frankly, being an Aquarian myself, I have no idea how you could hear something like that and NOT move on. Indeed, you're not a typical Aquarian.

I've never had a relationship with a Pisces, by the way...sometimes I almost did but we could never see eye-to-eye..their reactions never made sense to me logically (which is exactly what you're saying, too).

[missmarple]

That explains it. You should be with Sagittarius, Libra or Gemini. It sounds like you argue too much, because you're not hearing each other.

 

And Sagittarius, Libras and Geminis are the signs I've had the best relationships with (me being an Aquarius)

[Heather Dawn]

You are placing WAY too much importance on astrology. Even if you believe astrology provides some guide to character traits, you really, really should not be coming at your relationship from the astrological perspective.

 

I suggest you give her the space she's requesting, and then - if she's willing - reconnect with her and try to work it out without considering your zodiac signs.

 

For the record, I'm a Cancer woman with an Aquarius man. We manage quite well, and Cancer/Pisces are very similar...

[DancingFool]

When you try to cloak reality with astrology all you are going to get is confusion.

 

All I'm seeing from your post is that both of you seem to have poor communication and argument resolution skills that have absolutely nothing to do with astrology.

 

Also, you want her to understand and accept and honor your needs, but you are not willing to do the same for her. I'm referring specifically to the fact that the way you express yourself, makes her feel attacked. Instead of adjusting how you communicate, you simply insist that she should look past that. That's not really a realistic expectation on your part. If your words are hurting your partner's feelings, your words will not be heard and your actions will not override the hurt. That is purely an issue of communication and how you present yourself in an argument. Also, there is a limit to how much your partner will keep forgiving words that they perceive as hurtful before they stop caring about you.

 

As for her telling you to either deal with it or get out. Really hard to give you any advice without context. For example, if you are not able to forgive and let that incident go and you keep bringing it up and throwing it in her face over and over again, aka continually punishing her for it, then she is correct in her statement that if you can't let it go, you need to go. Your relationship will turn toxic otherwise if it hasn't already. Even if it was the first time you brought it up, if there was a tone on your part that suggested that you are not going to forgive or let go, again, her response is correct. If you are not able to let an issue rest, it will kill your relationship sooner or later.

[East4]

She's being defensive. Pisces have a difficulty to accept that they have hurt somebody, especially somebody they know intimately. To not forget compassion and kindness are the hall mark of pisces. So, when confronted with hurt feelings that they caused they will resort to their natural defense reaction-escapism, which may take the form of physically disappearing, deception, denial, or in extreme cases drugs/alcohol.

 

If you are going to confront pisces, you gotta do it with velvet gloves, else you just cause their withdrawal.

Aquarius, you tend to think that your aloof, detached approach is the best. Perhaps for you, yes. Most pisces would feel under disection and threatened with such an objective approach. Pisces are water sign, guided by emotion and intuition. Not by cold logic and analysis, as Aqua people prefer to percieve the world.

 

If you wanna resolve things with a pisces person, appeal to their imagination, sensitivity and yes..emotion. Your cold, rational analysis hurts and puts off this pisces woman.

 

If you wanna to be cold and logical go for other signs of the air group-gemini, or libra. Or else signs of fire, they are not this sensitive either-aries, sagittarius.

 

Good luck.

[QML]

I thank everyone for their feedback and advice! This is helpful. I'll try and address and clarify what I've read so far...

 

DancingFool, I've turned to Astrology as a guideline to try and help myself understand her personality because I cannot understand her responses or approach. I agree we may have poor conflict resolution skills but its something I try very hard to work on with her. An example of her feeling attacked is literally me saying "I don't feel like I'm important enough to you to resolve this issue." Not in the tone where she feels attacked. More in the words that she hears. I'm always calm and respect her first. I have never head the incident over her head, but if you have ever been lied to or had your trust broken, its always in the back of your mind and you will have moments of weakness where you need some reassurance is that fair? But instead of providing reasurance I'm told to deal with it or walk away.

 

Heather Dawn,

I have completely stepped back and not even entertaining the "friend" thing. I can't work like that. I've always told her I'll fight for her but I cannot do it alone.

 

Miss Marple,

I def feel the lack of respect and taken for granted. I have been there for her every atep of the way through family problems and friend problems but with me she lashes out like that...I could easily say "F" this and walk but when you know the good in someone and they just need to really think about their actions to see the truth, you hold on a bit...

 

Thank you all. Feedback pls. If I turn it all off I'll be completely gone...but I never want to give up that easily...

[DancingFool]

"I don't feel like I'm important enough to you to resolve this issue." - I would imagine that this statement would put most people on the defensive and completely derail whatever it is you are actually trying to address. It is inviting an immediate emotional response and argument.

 

So, instead of trying too hard to understand her and her personality, things you can't control, work hard on understanding how your words come across to people, something you have full control over and can work on. It will help you not just in your personal relationships, but in all other relationships as well.

[QML]

Thank you East4 this was very helpful...I think I have realized that no matter what, she's focussed on the fact that I've pointed out she has hurt me and she doesn't like that...how can I resolve things with getting her to understand me? Or do I look like a conplete pushover and cater to her? Shouldn't there be compromise?

[abitbroken]

Drop the astrology drivel.

 

she is only focused on the words I use and how they affect her emotionally and then says I'm attacking her, I'm hurting her, she must not be good enough for me or just some crazy drawn conclusions that have nothing to do with the argument.

 

the most deadly weapon is the tongue. If you say hurtful, cutting things to someone - of course its your words that they will pay attention to. Start meaning what you say and having only words you mean come out of your mouth. Its as simple as that. If you called her a fat cow, would you backpedal and tell her not to focus on the exact words you used??

[JamesT2]

I'm a male Pisces and get along quite well with other Pisces and Cancer. Admittedly, only a trait of personality but Pisces are known to be quiet and peaceful unlike... Taurus. Why am I saying this? Because it happened that my most successful and longest RS was with a taurus woman and that's something to endure. She liked me for being able to appease her in her tantrums that weren't aimed at me by the way.

 

On the other hand, Pisces can be solitary, and sometimes dealing with depression. But rarely are mean people.

 

I'll second what someone before pointed out, astrology can be reliable on a number of traits of personality, just don't choose your partners over something that I find trivial.

[QML]

Thanks James. I may have mislead everyone by starting off with Astrology...this was the last thing I turned to in an attempt to understand this new personality. It has provided me with an understanding of her personality and the way she may think or approach things but it definitely does not dictate my relationship. Thanks for your feedback.

[QML]

You have taken that part out of context. I understand the tongue is the most lethal weapon. I have left numerous relationships and a marriage because of that so I understand fully how to communicate in difficult situations. The disconnect lies where no matter what I say to express my feelings, i.e. It hurts me when you tell me I'm too much, her response will be "you making me out to be a monster." No I'm not, I'm telling you that it hurts my feelings when you tell me I'm too much. I don't ever say to you, you're too much, you're too sensitive, you're this or you're that. All she focuses on is the fact that someone has told her that she has hurt someone and she doesn't like that and will turn around and tell me "I didnt hurt you!!" I'm sorry, since when does anyone get to tell their partner they didn't hurt them when they're partner tells them that they've hurt them?

[abitbroken]

You have taken that part out of context. I understand the tongue is the most lethal weapon. I have left numerous relationships and a marriage because of that so I understand fully how to communicate in difficult situations. The disconnect lies where no matter what I say to express my feelings, i.e. It hurts me when you tell me I'm too much, her response will be "you making me out to be a monster." No I'm not, I'm telling you that it hurts my feelings when you tell me I'm too much. I don't ever say to you, you're too much, you're too sensitive, you're this or you're that. All she focuses on is the fact that someone has told her that she has hurt someone and she doesn't like that and will turn around and tell me "I didnt hurt you!!" I'm sorry, since when does anyone get to tell their partner they didn't hurt them when they're partner tells them that they've hurt them?

 

Okay - you are being too "self help" speak on her. If she says you are too much, why is she telling you you are too much? Why don't you think of that for a moment and answer honestly. She isn't saying it out of the blue for no reason.

There is a reason.

[QML]

You're not gettinf my point. Thanks for your feedback.

[abitbroken]

You're not gettinf my point. Thanks for your feedback.

 

I asked a question.

[Heather Dawn]

I get this feeling that you're very "me, me, me," about your relationships. You say you've left several of them - including a marriage - due to the "lethal weapon" of the tongue, but I'm wondering if maybe it's you.

 

Maybe you're too pedantic about this stuff, because it seems like you approach things from an almost clinical perspective. Human beings are complex and emotional. Perhaps you should try understanding where your girlfriend is coming from in her emotional response, rather than INSISTING that your way is the only way.

[DancingFool]

"I have left numerous relationships and a marriage because of that so I understand fully how to communicate in difficult situations." This doesn't make you think that maybe you are the common denominator and therefore the problem? Even the way you are posting on here and responding to posters......

 

Your relationships will improve only when you finally admit to yourself that maybe there is some room for improvement both in your communication skills and your personal perspective and expectations. Right now, you are coming from "I'm right, the world is wrong." so there is no place to go from here and no way to help you sort things out. It's not just her, it's you too and I'll leave it at that.

[QML]

I'm not me me me at all...I listen attentively and I'm always trying to gain understanding on both parts. I'm never one to place blame and not on here to look for validation or take sides. I'm looking for answers on how to understand where she is coming from and how to get her to understand me because no matter what I'm trying its not working. I am very aware that it takes two to make things work. I am never selfish and always put my partner and her feelings before mine. There seems to be alot of misunderstanding from what I posted.

[QML]

I have never once said to her that I'm right. I never argue to have a winner or a loser, never argue to have an I'm right you're wrong outcome. I argue to gain understanding, compromise, and move forward. She's the one who has actually said that she hasn't done anything wrong and I'm wrong for not trusting her when she broke trust...

[Heather Dawn]

How did she break trust?

[QML]

I caught her texting with another guy, a co-worker who I found out she had a brief fling with...sent him pics (not nude) while we are together...when I confronted her she said that she'll end that situation and that it was just conversation because she was worried he'd spread rumours at work. In the messages he kept saying he wanted to go to her house but she never committed to them but would also say "not tonight" or just send a smiley face. I believe that she didn't cheat on me. I trust that she's handled it but it's always in the back of my mind. I don't hold it over her head but have told her if I have a moment of weakness that I need her reassurance because once trust is broken it's hard to repair. And now that I need reassurance she told me to deal with it myself or move on. We're meeting tonight to talk after a week or not seeing eachother. The damage came where I had the moment of weakness and didn't speak to her about it because I knew exactly how she would react. That somehow I'd be wrong to be feeling the way I'm feeling and that from the moment she said she'll be honest with me I have to take her word for it...and I'm trying, but you didn't respect me the first time to be honest and because I'm now in a position to have fears at time, I can't feel the way I feel and have you support me? So in that argument was when the damage was done. I told her she's being hurtful and using hurtful words and she says that if I don't trust her I'll never trust her, that maybe she's not who I want, that I'm always upset with her. I never once said any of those things. I do trust her, maybe not 100% but WE, not her, WE need to get to 100%. I told her right now is when I need her more than ever but she feels that because I told her how I felt, I'm now learning that she's not happy at the fact that I'm even pointing out that she hurt me because that makes her unhappy to know that SHE hurt someone. That's where emotions vs. logic comes in. So here I am trying to show her the facts and difference between what I'm saying to her is not meant to be hurtful, but for her to understand how I feel and how she has the full ability to change everything around. I hope this paints a better picture than my original post...I didn't want to open up about my situation like this but feel everyone has gotten the wrong idea.

 

So I have to trust nothing is continuing to happen at work between them. I have to trust they're still not messaging eachother. I have to trust nothing is going with any of her ex's because she still talks to them. Once trust is broken...it's work to rebuild it and I know everyone on here knows that.

[Wiseman2]

Here's my take on this. Sometimes people try so hard with communicating/ being understood that they are hoping for some type of mind-meld. With total perfection of understanding or a complete overlap of feelings/mindset. Then of course this doesn't happen.

 

So they each hammer their thoughts/feelings more trying to be understood then the pendulum swings the other way because each starts wondering why things are being repeated or seem twisted or whatever. In other words it's like a rip-current pulling you further into the abyss. So what to do? Yeah, swim parallel to the shore. As paradoxical as it sounds, you stop trying to understand/be heard and shift into the feeling/intent of it all which to to restore the good feelings toward each other.

 

All this to say it's ok to not totally understand/be understood...

[QML]

Also to point out that she kept bugging me to tell her what was wrong and that we can only talk it out and work on it when I told her. So when I told her was when the backlash came...Well I didn't want to say anything at all because I knew this backlash was going to happen. However, I trusted her and told her and now we're on the brink of a break up...

 

It has never been about me me me. She knows I always put her first. I'm the most giving in the relationship and expect nothing but appreciation and love in return and that's it. I never take her or a day for granted with her and remind her everyday how much I love her but have also been told I'm too much. I should never have to apologize for who I am and how I choose to love. These are also things I have brought up to her which is why i made the comment that I don't feel important to her for her to resolve issues.

 

This will also be discussed tonight...