Autism or Anxiety? I dont know..

[jmann45]

So i will try to keep this as short as i possibly can. I am a 22 year old male of from india. Came to america when i was 1, born and raised here. Currently in college, and working 2 part time jobs, living with parents. Both jobs require me to be social and outgoing. One of them being working at the mall at a very high end sales store, I have to admit that over the past 3 years of working there, I have learned to be much more social. Since 2016, I have started to notice little things about myself that I have always kind of ignored, and its really making me start to think that I have a mental issue/problem that i dont know about. I want to mention some problems and examples and see if you guys can maybe reveal a psychological problem such as autism or anxiety, i dont know.

 

I am starting to notice a few things….

 

-I have recently noticed that I have never really gotten along with anyone long term. People start to hate me for some reason or just don't like me eventually. My first impressions are great, and the beginning of any friendship is smooth, until i start to be more of “myself”, thats when they realize that im allitle weird and start to back off. The longer i stay to myself, the longer the friendship will last. I am a funny guy and dont vent alot. (I still talk to 1 of my exes from 3 years ago. who lives states away. but she and i keep in touch often. She wants to try again eventually..)

 

-I am starting to notice that I always want to think of myself superior to others. I think that my thought process is one of a kind, and a majority of the people around me arent as cunning and smart as me, therefore, i am the best person to get advice from (specifically about relationships).

 

-I have noticed that i always think that the people around me havent been through anything close to what ive been through in the past. Which is why i think differently and am smarter in certain situations. And the way i think is the “right” way. I read between the lines often. (I went through a couple years of depression from 16-18 years old when my mother would put me down consistently for not being as smart as she wanted me to, and because the girl i loved didn't like me back. I cut my wrists in this time period. Drank alot, alone. Cried and so on).

 

-I have noticed that I hold myself back to most people, because i think that they will judge me. Example.. Co worker who i hardley talk to approaches me and says “ whats up play boy hows it goin today”.. My reply would be something like, looking at him and saying, good man! And kind of looking down in a shy manner and changing the subject as soon as i can. I dont know why.. But i just feel like people who try to befriend me, will not end up liking me.

 

-I have never really learned to let go. I hold on to people who dont want me in their lives. Even girls who i date, no matter how wrong they do me, I still message them a few months or a year later asking if theyre doing okay. I just cant seem to let go, especially of people who probably dont even think about me. I have people who ask me to hang out and so on, but i want nothing to do with them. I make excuses until i realize that they dont need me in their lives, then i run after them. I hit my ex up from 8 years ago who put me through the depression.. And didnt get a reply. I dont know why i did.

 

I noticed that when im single, i have the most clear and calm imagination of a relationship. Non clingy, just having fun, letting her go out with friends and not having to worry about anything, and everything just seems so peaceful. But once i get into a relationship, its different. I always think that shes probably talking to another guy, probably cheating on me. And so on. And this has ruined every relationship ive been in. Im learning to hide this portion of me and just keep it locked in when in a relationship, but i think i have a problem.

 

Brief history about myself..

 

-I remember in elementary school, in 3rd grade, teachers used to tell my parents that i have a really small attention span. My parents just pushed me to try harder. I wasnt the smartest kid. Later i moved to a different elementary school due to family moving, and my sister tried to get me to take a test at the school that was going to show them whether i was a slow learner or not. I disagreed and never took it.

 

-Then to middle school. Again, kind of difficult to make friends. No one really liked me out of my group of friends now that i think back. Thought i was still the “coolest” person and the most different out of my group. And not so good on grades, did alot of cheating. Great at math.

 

-Highschool, new city, had to make all new friends again. Didnt make many. Just 1 or 2 “outcasts” who i would eat lunch with all the time. Again, horrible grades. Just barely graduated. Was bullied a few times and made fun of for being of indian decent. Even teachers wouldnt do anything sometimes when it was happening in front of them. I used to stay very quiet and not fight back at all. Stayed extremely calm.

 

What do you guys think my issue is? I hope someone in here majors in psychology and can lead me to the right path to do my own research. I am also trying to get a psychologist appointment set up soon but not sure 100% if i even need it. Is all this kind of normal?

[nuttybuddy]

well.... i would really encourage you to keep your psych appointment. it may take a while to even get in because they're so booked. so take the opportunity to book one as soon as you can. you can cancel anytime.

 

i have a diagnosis in mind but it's not either of the ones you mentioned. i don't want to say it because i don't want to bias you before getting an official diagnosis. also, i don't want to say it because i'm not certain if the criteria is fully met. so i am uncertain whether it could be a condition or something that can be helped with therapy. i strongly recommend that you go to the psychologist. be open minded and do your research on finding one that you think works for you.

[jmann45]

well.... i would really encourage you to keep your psych appointment. it may take a while to even get in because they're so booked. so take the opportunity to book one as soon as you can. you can cancel anytime.

 

i have a diagnosis in mind but it's not either of the ones you mentioned. i don't want to say it because i don't want to bias you before getting an official diagnosis. also, i don't want to say it because i'm not certain if the criteria is fully met. so i am uncertain whether it could be a condition or something that can be helped with therapy. i strongly recommend that you go to the psychologist. be open minded and do your research on finding one that you think works for you.

 

I will go to the psychologist. I would appreciate if you told me, your diagnosis wont be any different from the ones ive came up with myself, i wont consider it any more than anything else ive read into. I would just like to research any assumptions i might have, including yours, before i go to a psychologist.

[nuttybuddy]

Well, you have had depression in the past with cutting episodes. You also think very highly of yourself. So I'm wondering if you could have Bipolar Type I disorder. But I can't make the diagnosis because you probably need to tell more about your thinking highly of yourself. Do you ever have decreased need for sleep? Do you get flight of ideas or racing thoughts? Listen, I'm not about to be your doctor here so you don't have to answer those questions on this public forum. But just think about it and talk to your therapist. Duration of your symptoms also plays into the diagnosis so just try to gather as much information as you can about yourself before you go see the psychologist.

[lostlove76]

A lot (not all) of what you describe sounds similar to my ex-boyfriend. Try researching narcissism (you think highly of yourself but have deep-down self-worth issues), and emotional unavailability (you don't let people in, you keep them at bay for a while), and commitment-phobia (you only want someone when they don't want you). I could be totally off base on one or all of those. I'm sleepy, not thinking very deeply, but that's what I come up with off the top of my head.

[Seraphim]

Number 1. Autism is not a psychological problem . It is a pervasive developmental disorder . People with autism can have psychological issues but autism itself is not a psychological issue.

[jmann45]

Thanks for all of the replies. I just want to have an idea if what I might have. Any other info will be helpful. Thank you. And yes I do have decreased sleep sometimes. Flight of ideas? No. Are any of these symptoms normal by any chance? Or are they all allitle off

[jmann45]

Well, you have had depression in the past with cutting episodes. You also think very highly of yourself. So I'm wondering if you could have Bipolar Type I disorder. But I can't make the diagnosis because you probably need to tell more about your thinking highly of yourself. Do you ever have decreased need for sleep? Do you get flight of ideas or racing thoughts? Listen, I'm not about to be your doctor here so you don't have to answer those questions on this public forum. But just think about it and talk to your therapist. Duration of your symptoms also plays into the diagnosis so just try to gather as much information as you can about yourself before you go see the psychologist.

 

Example. Wake up in the morning, instead of greeting my 3 year old niece, I think im too "good" to do that. So I just act sleepy and continue my way to the bathroom and ignore her.

Example. An acquaintance walk past, I think im too "good" to approach and greet.

Example. Someone's trying to get to know me through conversation. But I don't tell them much thinking I'm too good for them.

[lostlove76]

Example. Wake up in the morning, instead of greeting my 3 year old niece, I think im too "good" to do that. So I just act sleepy and continue my way to the bathroom and ignore her.

Example. An acquaintance walk past, I think im too "good" to approach and greet.

Example. Someone's trying to get to know me through conversation. But I don't tell them much thinking I'm too good for them.

 

Do you REALLY think you're too good for them, or is that just what you've come up with to explain why you act that way? If you truly think you're better than others, then again, research narcissism. Do you have any empathy for the feelings of others at all?

 

I shut people out a lot of if I'm in a bad mood or have a lot on my mind. I'm highly introverted and just don't have it in me sometimes to engage with others.

 

Maybe you inflate your sense of self because deep down you don't truly feel that you're as good as other people. So you think of them as "less then" which has the effect of making you feel "better than."

[jmann45]

Do you REALLY think you're too good for them, or is that just what you've come up with to explain why you act that way? If you truly think you're better than others, then again, research narcissism. Do you have any empathy for the feelings of others at all?

 

I shut people out a lot of if I'm in a bad mood or have a lot on my mind. I'm highly introverted and just don't have it in me sometimes to engage with others.

 

Maybe you inflate your sense of self because deep down you don't truly feel that you're as good as other people. So you think of them as "less then" which has the effect of making you feel "better than."

 

I think youre right. i had to think on that one for a while.. i think that i really am not good enough for them. thats just an excuse ive used in my head in order to explain to myself why i act the way i do around people.. But then again.. im not 100% sure if this is true. I do have deep empathy for the feelings of others, i would say more than the average person.

Example. Helping my father out at his business no matter how tired i am from my other jobs. Because i know that hes probably tired too.

Example. Helping out my mom and being bothered when she over works herself.

Example. See someone crying, ask them why theyre crying and if theyre okay. care for them..

[jmann45]

Another thing i noticed today. Got home from work and my sisters and her friends were standing outside the house. Her friends tried to talk to me by saying "come here" .., me being me, I powerwalked into the house while talking to them casually saying "im allitle short on time but it was nice to see you too!! " and used the excuse of having to go help my father out. Now im sitting here at my dads business thinking back at that, and the reason i didnt stop by was because i was scared that they would create conversation with me. And i would end up doing/saying something that would throw them off or make me look weird. And ive been using the excuse of "being too good to talk to them" all this time.

[RainyCoast]

you're not at all narcissistic. you have poor self esteem that is highly dependent on others' approval and seeing as you don't believe the real you is good enough, you fake a kind of aloofness out of an acquired avoidant attachment style and intense social anxiety.

 

it's nothing that out of the ordinary to be honest, but do follow up on your appointment because the issue does cause people a lot of depression and very realisitic problems with relating to others.

 

you are not a slow learner. your post is bright, curious, explorative...you're fine hun. even if your learning process was somewhat slow- not everyone learns at a quick pace and yet they may be perfetly functional and well equipped for life. my guess is your learning problems had to do with your emotional state, not your intelligence. disorganized thinking, difficulty concentrating, confusion or brain fog are not at all uncommon in poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety and similar.

 

you will do fine with professional guidance.

best of luck and let us know how it goes.

[lostlove76]

I think RainyCoast nailed it. It does sounds like you have self-esteem problems, and you tell yourself you're "too good" for others as a sort of defense mechanism to elevate your self-worth. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I spent most of my 20's wondering what was "wrong" with me. I truly felt I was defective in some way. I couldn't seem to keep relationships (whether they be friends or acquaintances or coworkers or whatever) going smoothly for very long, so I eventually convinced myself that I didn't need anyone else. I'm now almost 40, and I mostly keep to myself other than family, but that's how I prefer it. Sometimes I miss having someone to go places with, but mostly I just like to stay at home and do my own thing (total introvert, and I've accepted and embraced it). I feel socially awkward around others sometimes. It used to bother me for days or weeks if I felt I said something stupid or accidentally offended someone in some way, but eventually I've realized that I was the only one who kept thinking about it; the other person probably doesn't actually notice or care, and even if they do, they forget about two minutes later and think about other things.

 

I think you just need to find some self-confidence somewhere and accept yourself as you are. Embrace your "weirdness" without going overboard (don't shove it on people - just simply be yourself). Some people will like you and some won't, and that's true for anyone. Try giving people a chance to like you for who you are every once and a while. If they don't like you, it's their loss - someone else will like you.

 

I will say that if you adopt an air of aloofness, people will think that you think you're better than them, and it's off-putting. I do that sometimes too, and I don't really care what they think. But if it's important to you that others like you, you may want to try to drop the aloofness is all I'm saying.

 

Hang in there!! It's good that you're exploring who you are. It's a painful process, but you'll be okay in the end.

[jmann45]

I think RainyCoast nailed it. It does sounds like you have self-esteem problems, and you tell yourself you're "too good" for others as a sort of defense mechanism to elevate your self-worth. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I spent most of my 20's wondering what was "wrong" with me. I truly felt I was defective in some way. I couldn't seem to keep relationships (whether they be friends or acquaintances or coworkers or whatever) going smoothly for very long, so I eventually convinced myself that I didn't need anyone else. I'm now almost 40, and I mostly keep to myself other than family, but that's how I prefer it. Sometimes I miss having someone to go places with, but mostly I just like to stay at home and do my own thing (total introvert, and I've accepted and embraced it). I feel socially awkward around others sometimes. It used to bother me for days or weeks if I felt I said something stupid or accidentally offended someone in some way, but eventually I've realized that I was the only one who kept thinking about it; the other person probably doesn't actually notice or care, and even if they do, they forget about two minutes later and think about other things.

 

I think you just need to find some self-confidence somewhere and accept yourself as you are. Embrace your "weirdness" without going overboard (don't shove it on people - just simply be yourself). Some people will like you and some won't, and that's true for anyone. Try giving people a chance to like you for who you are every once and a while. If they don't like you, it's their loss - someone else will like you.

 

I will say that if you adopt an air of aloofness, people will think that you think you're better than them, and it's off-putting. I do that sometimes too, and I don't really care what they think. But if it's important to you that others like you, you may want to try to drop the aloofness is all I'm saying.

 

Hang in there!! It's good that you're exploring who you are. It's a painful process, but you'll be okay in the end.

 

I really appreciate all of this information!! What scares me about your reply is that you made it seem like you still aren't married in your 40's and you spent your 20's trying to figure it what was "wrong"with you .. I feel like I'm headed the exact same direction. 🤐

[lostlove76]

I really appreciate all of this information!! What scares me about your reply is that you made it seem like you still aren't married in your 40's and you spent your 20's trying to figure it what was "wrong"with you .. I feel like I'm headed the exact same direction. 🤐

 

Hahaaa oh my goodness. No, I'm not married, but that gives zero indication of whether or not you will be. I'm not in my 40's yet... I'm almost 40. Let's don't age me too quickly here (JK).

 

I have all kinds of issues with relationships. But probably the biggest reason I'm not married is that I go for the commitment-phobic jerks and get bored with the nice guys. And I take looooong breaks in between relationships. So that's why I'm not married. If you make yourself emotionally available (and it may take tons of hard work to get there!) and connect with an emotionally available female who has the same goals in life, there's no reason you can't get married. I don't mean to simplify it. But it's all about being the right person, and then finding the right person. I'm currently in love with someone who is an extreme commitment-phobe, and I don't care anything at all about meeting anyone else until I get over him and move on. I won't get into that whole thing, but my point is, falling for the wrong person has indeed kept me from finding the right person.

[jmann45]

you're not at all narcissistic. you have poor self esteem that is highly dependent on others' approval and seeing as you don't believe the real you is good enough, you fake a kind of aloofness out of an acquired avoidant attachment style and intense social anxiety.

 

it's nothing that out of the ordinary to be honest, but do follow up on your appointment because the issue does cause people a lot of depression and very realisitic problems with relating to others.

 

you are not a slow learner. your post is bright, curious, explorative...you're fine hun. even if your learning process was somewhat slow- not everyone learns at a quick pace and yet they may be perfetly functional and well equipped for life. my guess is your learning problems had to do with your emotional state, not your intelligence. disorganized thinking, difficulty concentrating, confusion or brain fog are not at all uncommon in poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety and similar.

 

you will do fine with professional guidance.

best of luck and let us know how it goes.

 

You say "acquired" avoidant attachment style. Can you explain this to me? I think we're getting somewhere haha. But I know I don't have that attachment style because I looked it up and it explains that people with this attachment style cannot seem to open up to others in a relationship and push them away and aren't clingy and don't want to vent to anyone ever. I myself would love to vent to someone but try my best not to because it just comes off as annoying. I'm clingy as hell in a relationship once I've decided that I'm going to invest my emotions in it. But again.. I try not to show that clingy ness because it can come off as needy which pushes the other person away.. I just don't have those properties of avoidant attachment .. the properties of pushing people away.

[lostlove76]

Take this attachment style test!!

I can't remember if that's the one I took, but I came up as fearful-avoidant. I have both anxious and avoidant features.

 

I'm like you in some ways - I feel clingy in relationships, but I refuse to show it because I don't want to push the guy away. So I sometimes even go the opposite direction and pretend not to care as much as I do. When I was younger I would show the clinginess, and over time, I've learned not to. But I always feel the anxiety.

 

If you take the test, please let us know your results. I'm interested what your style is.

[jmann45]

Take this attachment style test!!

I can't remember if that's the one I took, but I came up as fearful-avoidant. I have both anxious and avoidant features.

 

I'm like you in some ways - I feel clingy in relationships, but I refuse to show it because I don't want to push the guy away. So I sometimes even go the opposite direction and pretend not to care as much as I do. When I was younger I would show the clinginess, and over time, I've learned not to. But I always feel the anxiety.

 

If you take the test, please let us know your results. I'm interested what your style is.

 

It said avoidance of closeness 46/100. The details said something like, I am at ease to get close to my partner as well as. &vice versa.

 

Then the page refreshed and I lost the results. But it didn't say what my problem was in the details. I'll take it again if necessary

[SnowFox]

There is a cheap book that I think you could get A LOT out of (as could many people). Its also something that will give you plenty to discuss with your psychologist. I would go so far as to say its one of the best self-help books out there. It helps you identify the major unhealthy patterns in your life (unhealthy thoughts, feelings, actions), and then gives you ways to understand how you developed those patterns and then concrete ways to start changing those patterns. Its based on a type of therapy called schema therapy.

 

This is the book:

 

If you were to buy this book, and work through the questionnaires, you could show your results to the psychologist and this would save you a lot of time in therapy, as you can just start focusing on which schemas are causing you the most trouble in life, and start working on them. That's essentially what a therapist does. You can just jumpstart the process a bit.

 

Good luck to you!