Ex contacted me during NC - breadcrumbs or reconciliation?

[ariellex]

I won't go into huge details about the relationship as it is very complicated and we've been having a few issues for a while and arguing a lot and we have been together for 5 years. Basically, about 15 days ago I found out that my ex had cheated on me (unconfirmed physically, but still met someone, texted her whilst he was with me and took her out for lunch). I confronted him about it, he freaked, got angry at me because I texted the girl saying he had a girlfriend, he denied my existence to this girl and we have since not spoken for 2 weeks.

 

Stupidly the day after this happened, I got drunk and weepy and sent him the 'I don't want to lose you, you're my best friend' etc, despite the fact he was the cheater, not me! He told me he would speak to me about what had happened after work that day, but when I tried to call and asked him to get back to me, he ignored me. He never even said he wanted to break up. I straightaway deleted all his details from my phone, all social media and got rid of all his stuff in my house. I noticed that as soon as I deleted photos from my social media of us, he did exactly the same straight after. I haven't contacted him since and it has now been about 15/16 days. It's been absolute hell for me - I miss him so much.

 

On Sunday afternoon, I received an email from him asking me to call him later in the week when I was free and asked if I was ok. It really shocked me and I decided not to respond as I didn't really know what to say.

 

He then emailed again in the evening saying 'please call me (petname)'. But I didn't.

 

He then sent me another one saying ' I miss you so much, I haven't been with anyone else and have no interest. I keep having nightmares about what I have done and dreams about you. I just want to hear your voice. I don't want us to be unhappy or to make you unhappy. I love you and always have x'. I didn't reply.

 

A couple of hours after that, quite late at night, he said 'my heart broke when I deleted those Instagram photos of you. I'm a broken man after what's happened. I love you and always will.'

 

It has now been two days and I cannot stop thinking about what to do. Is this breadcrumbs or attempt at reconciliation? I mean, he hasn't apologised for what he did or said anything about meeting or getting back together, but he does want me to call him and is clearly suffering at the moment. Perhaps he's holding back a bit - he has been acting very defensively recently, even before this happened.

 

I don't know if I should respond or not. He's hurt me a lot by doing this and I've forgiven him in the past for things and it has backfired on me, which is why I am really reluctant to get in touch with him. At the same time, I would do anything to get back together with him, I'm completely in love with him and care about him so much and I don't want to ruin any chances of reconciliation by ignoring him even more. But things would really need to change if we were to work again and I don't want to be so available and easy to win back, as I fear he will just think it is absolutely fine to do this and walk all over me in the future, as I'll just come straight back. This is the longest we haven't spoken.

 

What should I do? How do people read this? Thanks so much in advance for any responses!

[Wiseman2]

If you want him back this badly then set up a time to talk. If you are still angry then say that.

I texted the girl saying he had a girlfriend. I don't want to ruin any chances of reconciliation

[mustlovedogs]

How do you know he actually cheated? He may have just done a networking lunch.

 

Were you trolling through his phone to find this out?

 

I'm not excusing his behavior (if he really did cheat) but if you breached his privacy, that's no good either.

[ariellex]

How do you know he actually cheated? He may have just done a networking lunch.

 

Were you trolling through his phone to find this out?

 

I'm not excusing his behavior (if he really did cheat) but if you breached his privacy, that's no good either.

 

The iMessages to her came through to our computer that we share after I rebooted it (the mac is linked to his iCloud account). They said stuff like 'morning beautiful, can't wait to see you later.' And had times where they were meeting up. When I confronted him he told me that he hadn't been happy and wanted to see what it was like with someone else, but that nothing physical happened. He then said they'd been whatsapping all weekend (obviously I didn't see these). I also got a reply from the girl saying she didn't know he had a girlfriend and he told her we'd been broken up for months. I apologised to him for texting the girl as well. As he ignored me for 2 weeks afterwards, who knows what happened.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, I would dump him and go no contact after hearing this excuse. If you take him back it means you are willing to be disrespected, cheated on and give him a free pass to do it again and again...which he will. Now he knows all he has to do is say "sorry i was confused" or some similar bs and you'll take him back.

he told me that he hadn't been happy and wanted to see what it was like with someone else

[ariellex]

Sorry, I would dump him and go no contact after hearing this excuse. If you take him back it means you are willing to be disrespected, cheated on and give him a free pass to do it again and again...which he will. Now he knows all he has to do is say "sorry i was confused" or some similar bs and you'll take him back.

 

I know, it's pretty ty. Thing is we're basically broken up and I have done NC for over 2 weeks, but now he's sending me messages. I'd love to work past this, I just need self-respect too. I don't want to lose him, I think we are worth saving, but at the same time he needs to know that he cannot get away with this, which is why I haven't responded yet as I don't know.

[Billie28]

It's breadcrumbs only.

I doubt he only met this girl once. And it took him 2 weeks to get back to you, probably hasn't worked out with his fling.

Texting her "morning beautiful, can't wait to see you later".......definitely wasn't the first or early days of his fling.

 

If he really wanted to apologise he can do so by email.

Do NOT reply.

 

If he is sincere he will apologise again in a few weeks and actually suggest meeting you. But I doubt he will be still around in another few weeks.

 

Keep up NC, move on.

[leseine7]

"I've forgiven him in the past for things and it has backfired on me, which is why I am really reluctant to get in touch with him. At the same time, I would do anything to get back together with him, I'm completely in love with him and care about him so much and I don't want to ruin any chances of reconciliation by ignoring him even more. But things would really need to change if we were to work again and I don't want to be so available and easy to win back, as I fear he will just think it is absolutely fine to do this and walk all over me in the future, as I'll just come straight back. This is the longest we haven't spoken. "

 

This guy sounds like my ex. Was skillful enough for there to never be REAL 'evidence' of physical cheating, but I found out after 2 years of suspicion that he had, in fact, been sleeping with the girl I thought he had the entire time.

 

This quote reminded me of me in that relationship. Constantly forgiving because he would grovel the same way your ex has, but when things hit the fan, he for sure disappeared from my life for a week or two just like your man did. In those weeks, he also slept with other girls. He would deny up and down while we were together that he did that - but it all eventually came out.

 

Stop forgiving and forgetting. Stop begging a man who treats you like an option in his life - and enjoys seeking out OTHER options while he's supposedly your boyfriend - to stay with you. He is NOT your best friend. He probably denies being your boyfriend a LOT of the time when your back is turned. You can expect only the worst of his behavior, no matter how much he promises.

 

I'm sorry to be cynical, but the writing is on the wall with this one. It's a breadcrumb, and you need to keep your pride here and continue NC. Doesn't even matter what his intentions are. What are yours? To put yourself through more drama and heartbreak? That's all I predict you getting from this dude. Be a smart girl.

[tattoobunnie]

He's a toolbag. Even if he wants you back, the fact that he treated you like this. Wow, what a loser and and A-Hole. You deserve a man who would NEVER EVER think of doing what he did. He's a lying sack of Sh*t as well. Run, and don't look back. Plenty of men who are accountable, honest, and have integrity. This guy, sorry, you may love him, he may love you, but he's a lying, cheating a-hole, and will do it again.

[leseine7]

...you may love him, he may love you, but he's a lying, cheating a-hole, and will do it again.

 

^ THIS. This is what people forget most. The word 'love' can blind many people into staying with horrible SOs. Maybe he loves you the best way he can, but that best is probably always going to include being an idiot towards you.