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Is it just my insecurity or is my intuition right about this relationship?


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I've been dating this guy for about a year now, until he went hot and cold on me twice. The second time he went cold, I told him it was over and I didn't want to see him anymore. After that he completely changed his attitude, he told me he was just overwhelmed by everything and that he would do anything for another chance, I told him that it was best that we remain friends. However, after a lot of effort on his part(and foolishness on mine I suppose?), I still very much wanted to be with him and decided to give it a shot, even though everything in the past had shown me that it wasn't worth it.

Fast forward to a few months later and it was still going great and I thought maybe he really does like me now. He is still attentive, he calls me 2-3 times a day, texts me often, makes plans to meet etc. But suddenly, I'm insecure.

There's no change in his behavior, but suddenly I'm uncomfortable with his female best friend(even though he has introduced me to her, and likes us all hanging out together). He is really different around her, and maybe he did like her at some point, but ive met her and she treats him like a good friend, she has a boyfriend and she is extremely respectful of relationship boundaries. But I can't help feeling he was in love with her and only decided to be with me when she started dating her boyfriend. Also he's always making fun of my appearance and claims its a joke. I'm usually sporting, but sometimes it just upsets me, because I don't want to be with someone who finds me unattractive. I've told him this and he just says he meant it as a joke and didn't expect me to get upset about it.

I guess I haven't had the healthiest of relationships and as I type this I do find myself foolish, on one side I feel like he doesn't respect me and that's not something I should put up with, but on the other side I feel he is really attentive and sweet in other ways(he went through a lot of effort to personalize my birthday present) and he does joke around with everyone and he did with me before we began to see each other too and I wonder if its just my insecurity thats making me feel this way.

Another weird thing, he claims he loves giving me orgasms but changes the topic when I say I like giving them to him too, he said orgasms making him sleepy(but is that a reason to not want them?)

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Unfortunately there are layers and layers of stuff going on. First the hot/cold, on/off thing. The the insults dressed up as jokes. Then the female friend, who seems harmless. Then the priorities...birthday gifts and texts? last but certainly not least the power struggle extends right down to the orgasms.


The insecurity has many layers as well, some you came with and a lot from the tenuous nature of this then add to that the female best friend and worst of all, you're the butt of his jokes. As far as the orgasms, that is not a competition either, if he get off getting you off..well hey, that's great.


So some of this insecurity is caused by some characteristic of this relationship and some dopey stuff he's doing. try not to let whatever inner insecurities make you want to prove yourself.

he claims he loves giving me orgasms but changes the topic when I say I like giving them to him too, he said orgasms making him sleepy(but is that a reason to not want them?)
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Are you dating my ex?


In all seriousness though, hot and cold is unacceptable, as are insulting comments about your appearance disguised as jokes. He's insensitive to say the least, and actually passive aggressive and mean if he's doing it on purpose. Putting thought into a gift (material things) is nothing when he can't be kind to you on a day to day basis.


Are you insecure in general or in past relationship? If not, it's not you, it's him and the relationship and it's time to exit.

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Also he's always making fun of my appearance and claims its a joke.


I wouldn't put up with this. It's not only bizarre, it's a manipulative way of making you feel insecure, and it worked. Now instead of being willing to walk away, you've demo'd that you're invested in the guy enough to stick around for this form of mistreatment instead of the hot-and-cold game.


I'd skip this guy.

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Mmmm I dated a guy a bit like this...it's not worth the insecurities and low self esteem it will bring for you.

Trust your gut, if you know something is wrong to do with this female friend you are probably right.

And insults flowered up as jokes...never acceptable.

My ex used to make digs about my skin and hint that I should try the gym a bit more.

It was, as I see it, his insecurities manifesting onto me, to make himself feel better.

I would distance yourself from this man.

Good luck x

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I really gave it a long thought, and I don't feel like its my insecurity. Like I said, I like this girl, she seems nice and respectful. I asked him to invite her to the movies with us once because he told me she wanted to see it, and because that girl said she can't(she wanted to watch it with her boyfriend), he bailed on me. Another time him and I were in one car and she was with her boyfriend in another car, driving from our place to this bar just 10 minutes away and he called her thrice to check up on her, and she eventually told him to stop calling and said "aren't you with your girlfriend?". And just last week she invited both of us and her boyfriend to stay over at her place, I couldn't go so I backed out and my boyfriend carried on. I might not have even thought about that ordinarily, but just thinking back it seems to me that he is really hung up on her and she probably just sees him as a friend.

I mean, I even hate thinking like that, it makes me nauseous to be feeling jealous, but I really hate playing second fiddle to someone, when she clearly seems like a priority for him. He bailed on me twice in a week because he didn't have time, but coincidentally if she makes a plan, he just happens to be free. He does mostly invite me, but it seems to me that spending time with her is more important to him than spending time with me. Sometimes I feel like he only treats me like a trophy, I don't know how to say this without sounding horrible and egoistic, but I am socially more attractive than him I guess. I'm not shallow and I never thought him to be shallow, so that hurts me.

I have even asked him if he likes her or has ever liked her, in a non confrontational way, because I told him the way he acts around her doesn't seem just friendly to me. He has other female friends too, he isn't this way with them. But he denied it saying shes just a close friend and they have been through a lot together.

My gut is driving me crazy, telling me to run. But everytime I try to end things, he convinces me otherwise, saying he doesn't understand why i feel like this and that he loves me unconditionally. I lost my virginity to him, when I felt comfortable and secure and told him that I only ever wanted my first time to be with someone who I really truly loved and who loved me back and yeah that sounds naive, but I waited 22 years for it and I guess that was just something I wanted to wait for. And now I just feel horrible.

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