Separated man ends things how to respond now

[AnastasiaB]

My boyfriend of five months just ended it saying I am wonderful, he could fall in love with me so easily but he can't let himself as can't trust and needs time to heal from his marriage! He is in the middle of an increasingly contentious divorce and his STBX is a nightmare. Two months ago he said he was falling for me and he chased me hard and now this. He messaged to say he is sorry, that he has set up some counselling and will sort everything out and more messages since about how he enjoyed our time together. I have replied but don't know whether to keep in touch or go NC. Help!

[Hollyj]

This is why you do not get involved with someone who is married. And, I would wait until they had been divorced at least three years before dating.

 

Go NC. Unless you want to set yourself up for more pain, distance and drama.

[Matti Jr]

What Hollyj said, NC. I've talked to people who were still legally married but separated for such a long time to the point of indifference from their ex but didn't finalize the divorce yet, but he flat out said he needs time to heal.

[ThatwasThen]

In that five months of dating, what indication did he give you that he was actually separated? Had you been to his house, had he spend evenings and weekends with you, was he always available to you by phone?

[Hollyj]

Dating a separated man, puts you in the place of a rebound. You have helped him transition from his marriage, onto someone else.

[Wiseman2]

Go NC. As much as his "oops I still hurt" story tries to engender empathy, he used you as a bandaid. Dump him.

he needs time to heal from his marriage

[gigiselle]

He sounds like he is being honest. He's trying to sort himself out. There are issues he didn't deal with and now recognizing it's imperative he does. He was wrong to engage in a new relationship before ending the previous one...you were mistaken to think he was ready for a new one. It's not over until the ink is dry on the divorce papers...Give him the space he needs to sort himself out.

[AnastasiaB]

He is definitely separated I was staying over at his house every weekend and met his parents. I spent quite a lot of time being a shoulder to cry on, daft of me I know but got sucked in with assurances he was ready.

[AnastasiaB]

These separated people should come with warnings!!

[Hermes]

Anastasia.

 

Now is not the time.

 

Keep away from separated men. Too much going on, as they struggle with all that is involved in a divorce. For that they must rely on professionals, lawyers, counsellors (should they so need), and perhaps their own immediate family, if any.

 

The man needs time to find himself again.

 

I would entirely agree with Holly on this point:

 

"And, I would wait until they had been divorced at least three years before dating.

"

[AnastasiaB]

So giving him space just respond if he contacts me? He just messaged to say how sad he is without me er hello you ended it!

[HeartGoesOn]

These separated people should come with warnings!!

 

The only thing you need to know is, it doesn't matter how you slice it, "separated" means still married.

[Hermes]

Wrong, Anastasia.

 

"These separated people should come with warnings!!"

 

Just avoid separated people in general. I assume you knew from day one he was separated? Yes?

 

Do not respond, do not contact, just leave it be.

 

This is a road he must travel alone.

[Wiseman2]

This is why you need no contact. Unless he is paying you several hundred an hour, let his therapist and lawyer take care of his problems. Remember he and his wife created them, not you.

He just messaged to say how sad he is without me er hello you ended it!

[ThatwasThen]

months ago he said he was falling for me and he chased me hard and now this. He messaged to say he is sorry, that he has set up some counselling and will sort everything out and more messages since about how he enjoyed our time together. I have replied but don't know whether to keep in touch or go NC. Help!

Go NC after you tell him that once he's divorced and has straightened himself out to give you a call then. Then, get on with your dating life without allowing him to stagnate you in emotional attachment to he who is not ready.

[Hollyj]

So giving him space just respond if he contacts me? He just messaged to say how sad he is without me er hello you ended it!

 

You're not hearing us.

 

He is no where near, being ready for a relationship. He needs years! Don't be his counselor, friend and sex buddy, as I guarantee that when he is ready, he will move onto another girl.

 

Do better, and expect more for yourself! Time to go NC!

[gigiselle]

Well--he was separated not divorced. It is a very high-intensity situation. People are often very confused. From now on you will know to stir away from people who aren't completely done....and reserve yourself for available people who have a clean slate.

[crowleysgirl]

At least he has been honest with you it seems. However, it is still apparent that you've been a rebound/emotional crutch. Of course he is still going to periodically try to contact you because he's lonely and hurting. That's why you need to go NC. For yourself, not for him.

[Movingforward3]

Yes, you should stay. He needs a friend, sex on occasion, someone to hold his hand and listen his issues. Sounds too much of a good thing to me. You can stay over and take care of his needs each week. Sounds like a great deal, where do I sign up? I will be much more responsive and even give you a cookie!!!!

[AnastasiaB]

I guess I naively thought he would forget her with me and I had three friends who met their now husbands while the men were separated but I guess it all depends, everybody's different. Thanks for the advice. I think key is to not be an emotional crutch, something I struggle with...