mustlovedogs Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Brief background: about 6 months post BU of a 2 year LDR. I've been doing pretty well for a few weeks now. I'll occasionally get sad, but I think at this point it's more over being abandoned and that he's in a new relationship (i.e., doing better than me). But today I had the first wave of pain that I've experienced since at least late February. You know the kind of wave - where it heats your skin up and your stomach turns and tears nearly instantly form in your eyes. And it was over a stupid song. John Legend's "All of Me." There are a few lyrics that really stand out: "'Cause all of me/Loves all of you/Love your curves and all your edges/All your perfect imperfections" and "How many times do I have to tell you/Even when you're crying you're beautiful too". I tried to identify what made me sad. It's a love song, of course, but I knew it was more than that. And then it hit me. I remember about 6 months before the breakup (I guess about a year ago) I was in the car with him when this song came on the radio. I thought it was beautiful. I loved the "perfect imperfections" line a lot. And I mentioned that to him. He kinda shrugged it off and said it was just a song. And after that, every time I heard the song, I couldn't help but wonder if he loved my imperfections. If he still loved me when I cried. If he ever looked at me across the room and thought "I'm so glad she's my girlfriend". He wasn't one to volunteer compliments or give me hugs when I was crying, and I remember thinking that this song was about something I wanted from our relationship that I never thought he could give me. And this really stood out to me. I was sad because this song reminded me of how awful I sometimes felt even when we were together. Hearing it didn't make me mourn what we had but rather what we didn't have... if that makes any sense. He always made me feel like I wanted too much. That romance and compliments and dates were unnecessary after being together more than 6-12 months. He made me feel clingy. Admittedly, this insecurity did make me clingy sometimes but I really, really tried to stomp it down and help him communicate in my love language. Obviously, it never worked. Our fighting escalated until he broke things off. So I guess in some way this is a good realization. The rose tinted glasses are slowly coming off. But I'm still scared - what if he was right and I was wrong? Maybe my expectations were out of line. Maybe I ruined a good thing and future guys won't be any better. Feeling kind of sad. Link to comment
tina-rocks Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Try not to over analyse your relationship, easier said then done I know, but you will drive yourself bonkers, trying to decipher who has blame and you just need to remind yourself, It's over! We can't turn back the clock, if we could all of life would be in caos. There will always be regrets in our lives, I wish I had done that differently, or if I had known, I should have been more careful. None of us are perfect and we will make mistakes, but we learn from them and the key is, you just don't repeat the same mistake, generally we just go on to make a new mistake and regret, but we keep learning by them as we are human. In almost all relationship breakdowns, both parties have some blame, even if one cheated, but in the end when it's over and the dust has settled you need to forgive yourself, for whatever your mistake may have been, if you made any and then you can let go. Hope that makes sense. Music always evokes emotions, whether sad or happy, so I'm not surprised you had an emotional connection, when you listened to that song. Your doing well and seem quite balanced about this, which is good and I know it isn't easy. Christina Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Triggers can happen in the most unexpected ways. I think help us deal with our emotions, as we are ready. Perhaps, this one is to see while you may miss what you had it wasn't perfect. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted May 6, 2016 Author Share Posted May 6, 2016 Thank you both for your replies. I'm trying to be more positive but it is hard. I can't stop being scared that I screwed up a good thing. And I'm scared that something else won't come along. It's the unknown, I guess. And everyone keeps telling me someone better will come along and it is driving me nuts. How can anyone know that? Some people never get married. That could be me... Link to comment
tina-rocks Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Thank you both for your replies. I'm trying to be more positive but it is hard. I can't stop being scared that I screwed up a good thing. And I'm scared that something else won't come along. It's the unknown, I guess. And everyone keeps telling me someone better will come along and it is driving me nuts. How can anyone know that? Some people never get married. That could be me... No one knows what's around the corner, but there are other potential partners and it's when you stop looking that it happens. Focus on you for a while if you can and find your own path in life, it's what I did and I got used to being alone, scary! You say, of course it is and I was petrified but after a while, I got used to being on my own and actually felt a peace with it. until you feel comfortable with being just with you, no one else will truly fit in with you. I hope this makes a little sense. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Thank you both for your replies. I'm trying to be more positive but it is hard. I can't stop being scared that I screwed up a good thing. And I'm scared that something else won't come along. It's the unknown, I guess. And everyone keeps telling me someone better will come along and it is driving me nuts. How can anyone know that? Some people never get married. That could be me... Don't worry about that right now. Your Life has taken a turn and you're dealing with this 'loss'. Don't jump to conclusions.. assumptions, etc. Even if you don't end up married.. so what? Life is full of unexpected occurances. No one knows. But.. if you do or you don't. Isn't the end of the World. I have an Uncle & aunt whom never married but they've been together over 25 yrs now. Slow down.. one day at a time. Try to ease all of these crazy thoughts and deal with today. I am in mid 40's and sadly I've come across some real doozies over the last 5+ yrs sucks! So I think I'm going to take a break from allof this now and enjoy being Single. I am okay with that. We don't always NEED to have a partner. I keep busy and I am taking care of ME now. Btw.. I also awoke today with some heavy emotions.. I felt that ' I miss you'... sigh Keep going.. we must. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Perception is reality. If you think your life is over, then it is. If you look at this as a new opportunity, an exciting new chapter to your life, it will be that. Fear is the mind killer! Confront it! Let the sleeper awaken! Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted May 6, 2016 Author Share Posted May 6, 2016 All very true points. I met the ex when I wasn't really looking and I was fine being alone, and I need to remember that. It'll be better Link to comment
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