No communication please help.

[Haymills]

So, I've been dating this guy since before Christmas. He is a very sweet guy and although I know there's no way to be sure, I don't think he would ever cheat on me. We only have one MAIN problem that is a constant issue. He is horrible at conversation. For example we can go out to dinner and unless I initiate conversation we might say a couple words. When he DOES talk it's mostly close ended statements. It's like he is zoned out all the time kinda. There isn't a ton of banter or playful chit-chat. Being a female those are the type of things that make me feel close to him. I have talked about this to him and he agrees that he isn't great at communicating but we don't know how to fix it? Advice please!?! I'm a very outgoing person and can find anything to talk about. Idk what to do?? Is this something that can be fixed with time or are our personalities just too different?

[j.man]

If you need someone who you can have good conversation with and a guy doesn't cut it, you stop seeing him after the first or second date, not continue seeing him for 5 months.

 

Whether or not the guy would cheat on you shouldn't be the only criteria.

[Haymills]

I was 10 hours away going to school when we started talking. We were getting to know each other then and it wasn't like it is now that I'm home. We could text all day and now... I understand a guy that won't cheat isn't the only thing to look for in a man but its a great quality that a lot of people (men AND women) lack.

[jmann45]

There isnt really anything you can do to get him to talk. Maybe he is just shy. i believe that everyone can talk for hours, but some people just stay closed off because they dont feel a type of connection to talk about certain things. I think you should keep sparking the conversations and do all the work for a few dates, hopefully he'll start to talk about those things on the following dates and maybe even more.

 

If not, then I agree with j.man, you should have cut it off after the 2nd date.

[gp11a]

Communication and compatibility are huge. Sometimes the way people are can differ a lot through text and in-person. If in-person you guys aren't communicating well and you're frustrated, I don't know if this is exactly something that can be fixed easily... unless you think he is going through issues in his life (you said he is kind of zoned out).

[Haymills]

Communication and compatibility are huge. Sometimes the way people are can differ a lot through text and in-person. If in-person you guys aren't communicating well and you're frustrated, I don't know if this is exactly something that can be fixed easily... unless you think he is going through issues in his life (you said he is kind of zoned out).

I have asked if he is stressed and he says he does have a lot on his mind often. He does have a 2 year old and the mother isn't the easiest to get along with. He did also say that he is shy. I just feel like if that were the problem we would be past that point after 6 months.

[Wiseman2]

Shifting from a ldr cyber-relationship to a real-time in person relationship can be an adjustment. The flurry of texting all day is different than communicating. Maybe you just have nothing in common to talk about anymore?

I was 10 hours away. We could text all day and now...

[tattoobunnie]

You can't force chemistry.

 

You two do not bring out the best in each other or have intimacy (emotionally). Pretend he's a girl, and you two are friends instead, and she never talks to you. Why would you stay friends? You wouldn't. And it's the same for your romantic relationships. You two aren't a good fit. You shouldn't have to train a grown man to stimulate you mentally.

[reinventmyself]

I think I dated him. .

I dated someone much like you describe. After the first couple dates I told him I was struggling with feeling a connection and the conversations were pretty one sided. He promised me that it just took him time to open up and to be patient. Fair enough.

 

6 months later I didn't know anymore about him than I did within the first couple weeks. I was noticing the patterns that he preferred to go to dinner with live music, ride bikes and all sort of fun things that 2 people do parallel to each other. But any one on one time he would avoid.

 

Interesting that I only cooked for him dinner twice. Probably the most uncomfortable moments in the 6 mo's. The very thing I would think couples thrive on, one on one, intimate alone time. It was really awkward and kinda sad.

 

In the end I didn't feel connected. If I don't feel connected and I don't feel I know you, it makes sense it doesn't cultivate a romantic, intimate connection.

I feel naïve for having waited, but he never showed up. (emotionally)

 

Having said that I can see where someone else might be ok with that. If you are outgoing like you say. . your experience might be different.

But you here asking, after all.

 

Accept him as he is. Don't wait for him to be something that he's not.

 

You make references to him not cheating.

I get the sense you might be settling for someone you don't have chemistry with - but - he'll be loyal.

 

It's not a fair trade and don't settle.

[Haymills]

I think I dated him. .

I dated someone much like you describe. After the first couple dates I told him I was struggling with feeling a connection and the conversations were pretty one sided. He promised me that it just took him time to open up and to be patient. Fair enough.

 

6 months later I didn't know anymore about him than I did within the first couple weeks. I was noticing the patterns that he preferred to go to dinner with live music, ride bikes and all sort of fun things that 2 people do parallel to each other. But any one on one time he would avoid.

 

Interesting that I only cooked for him dinner twice. Probably the most uncomfortable moments in the 6 mo's. The very thing I would think couples thrive on, one on one, intimate alone time. It was really awkward and kinda sad.

 

In the end I didn't feel connected. If I don't feel connected and I don't feel I know you, it makes sense it doesn't cultivate a romantic, intimate connection.

I feel naïve for having waited, but he never showed up. (emotionally)

 

Having said that I can see where someone else might be ok with that. If you are outgoing like you say. . your experience might be different.

But you here asking, after all.

 

Accept him as he is. Don't wait for him to be something that he's not.

 

You make references to him not cheating.

I get the sense you might be settling for someone you don't have chemistry with - but - he'll be loyal.

 

It's not a fair trade and don't settle.

Thank you very much for your response. That's exactly how I have felt... The "am I just settling."