Wow - how could she be so cold

[orphus]

Will try and keep it brief.

 

Met a girl, dated her for a few months - everything great... until the ex contacts her. A few days later she ends things with me saying she still has feelings for ex and it wouldn't be fair on me - lets stay friends etc. Told her that I was pretty upset and that I thought we were a good match - she said she thought we were too and if its meant to be it will be.

 

A few days later she starts messaging me, sending me snapchats and thats where the games began.

 

Anyway, we started talking again and she was feeding breadcrumbs which I took. We have met up a few times, 1st time it felt like a date and I ended up back at hers.... a couple of days messaging and then she went silent.

 

I went away on holiday - she kept in touch saying it looked amazing and she was jealous etc.

 

2 weeks ago, whilst she was in her 'hot' mood, i asked her out for a drink which ended up being dinner where we talked about what we had been up to the last couple of weeks, she was very interested in my love life and if I was dating anyone - told her had been on a date but not seeing them again. She then said she had cut all men out of her life.... she had previously told me things hadnt worked out with her ex. After dinner we went for a few drinks and she started flirting, touching me, bringing up in jokes etc. We parted ways with her saying see you soon. I messaged the next day to say it was good to catch up etc and she was very receptive. When I asked her when she was free to do it again, she went silent again.

 

Fast forward to this weekend, (its my birthday weekend) - she asks if I am going out to the bars and clubs and I said I was. Anyway plans change and I end up not going, I wake up to a 2 am message from her asking where I am. She wishes me a happy birthday and asks what my plans are for the day, I say not much really - she asks if I am going for dinner and hints that she is hungry - gonna order food in etc. When I ask her if she's eaten ie. we can have dinner together, she says she has eaten and is going to bed...

 

Next day, I log onto facebook where she has posted a really angry quote along the lines of "if he cared, he'd call, if he wanted you, he'd be with you" a few hours later followed by changing her status to in a relationship (doesn't say who with). I message her "in a relationship??" and she replies "yeah, just a guy I have been seeing". - as cold as that!

 

I never replied to that, I was speechless... log on today and she has put a picture of a romantic meal (no people in it) she cooked and also put it on snapchat... I am trying not to over analyse things but I am very aware that the picture was aimed at me - she cooked something she said she would cook for me before we ended things and she isn't one to post stuff like that.

 

Part of me thinks that this is all done to get a reaction out of me - I can't see her publicly changing her relationship status if there is no one - too many people have commented and liked it.... She never took photos of things we did together - she never even got her phone out so to me this is odd behaviour..... along with the odd quote she posted.... it has made me wonder whether she wanted me to ask her out again - I played things cool because she blowed hot and cold.... and her ex doesn't have fb so it can't be aimed at him.

 

I am just so confused what her end game is - I know her, her background and her being enough to know she is a good person and is very caring. She will know that this would hurt me and I can't believe how cold she has been about it.... you don't message someone all weekend to publicly declare yourself in a relationship the next day.

 

Just looking for peoples opinion on this? I am aware I need to look after number 1 and will try to protect myself from further hurt. I think she is looking to get a reaction out of me but I am not going to give her one.... she has played games for 10 weeks with me and I feel this could just be her ramping up the games.....

 

Any thoughts and opinions greatly appreciated...

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, it sounds like that. A lot of head games and somewhat childish approaches to you. Including hopping back and forth with the ex. It may be best to block her from social media since she seems to use that to facilitate these games.

Part of me thinks that this is all done to get a reaction out of me

[orphus]

I just don't understand why she would ramp up the head games knowing it would hurt me when she was being really sweet the day before. I'm not going to delete her as that gives her a reaction... I have unfollowed her so I don't see her posts and I am strong enough to not 'check' her posts or see what she is up to.

 

If I had done something to hurt her or anger her - I could understand the behaviour but I haven't! The post about if he wants you etc etc makes me think she wanted me to tell her how much I like her and want to be with her but I was very careful not to push her as she was being very hot and cold....

[Wiseman2]

Have you spoken to her since then to get a read on her?

[orphus]

No. I didn't reply to her message. I feel that by responding it, I am allowing the games to continue. If she is with someone else, as much as it hurts and as much as I feel played, I am happy for her. I am angry at the way the situation came about - if we split and she cut contact - fair enough, post it on fb etc but to be speaking to me the day before hinting at meeting, a little message saying just so you know I am seeing someone. Or responding yeah, seeing someone - sorry didn't know how to tell you - would have been to nice thing to do.... I know deep down she is nice.

[bulletproof]

The post about if he wants you etc etc makes me think she wanted me to tell her how much I like her and want to be with her but I was very careful not to push her as she was being very hot and cold....

 

How is it that after all that drama and this silly facebook post you could still possibly want her at all?

You ask how she could be so cold- the answer is, because that's the dynamic between the two of you. That can be stopped, by you, at any point.

[DoF]

Ex contacts her and she ends things with you = she never took time to heal/recover after her previous relationship. It takes good 3-6 months + if it's long term. Those that do it = smart and someone you should consider as girlfriend. If you meet a girl and she hasn't done this, RED FLAG. Fun away fast and never look back. If you don't, you are simply setting yourself up for failure. Hard way to learn a lesson on your end.

 

The best thing you can do at this point is a) LEARN from it all and b)block her and ignore her FOR GOOD!

 

Find a girl that is smart enough to heal and recover vs jump right back into new relationship. Without healing you simply don't take time to reflect on yourself and relationship, figure out what went wrong, learn....get over....and MANY other things. You get the point.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think this dude is still in the picture and she's doing on/off, hot/cold with him?

I feel that by responding it, I am allowing the games to continue.

[tina-rocks]

Hi, read your post and although I try to see the best in people, this looks clearly like she is playing games. First she finishes it for her ex, then she is back texting and seeing you, to then cut you off again, then hints again, at you meeting up for meal, then goes silent. If this was only the once she had done this, I would say maybe she was treading the water, to see how you feel about her, but it's happened several times and the posts on fb about being in a relationship, are the final icing on the cake. My opinion, give her a wide gurth. She at best doesn't know what she wants and her behaviour toward you, isn't that of someone who cares for you, but selfish. Until she knows what she wants, she will only continue to cause you unrest. I'm sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear, it's jut my opinion.

 

Hope you work things out, one way or another.

 

Christina

[orphus]

How is it that after all that drama and this silly facebook post you could still possibly want her at all?

You ask how she could be so cold- the answer is, because that's the dynamic between the two of you. That can be stopped, by you, at any point.

 

It's not that I want her - the bridge has been burnt now and I don't think it can be rebuilt.

 

It is stopped - it is game over, it's more for me to try and work out why she acted the way she did.

[Wolfshook]

Dont date people that are right out of the relationship, they are too unstable.

[orphus]

Do you think this dude is still in the picture and she's doing on/off, hot/cold with him?

 

I don't know, when we went out 2 weeks ago she said she had cut all men out of her life, so he has either come back in the picture or she was lying - I don't know why she would though as I was honest about having gone on dates.

 

What I do know is when she updated her status to in a relationship - there is no "with" which makes my question why she felt the need to change it anyway... I know her ex does not have facebook which could explain it but doesn't explain the quote she posted as I can only think that was aimed at me... Turns out my friend is actually friends with her ex (he is in the military and is back at the end of April??) so I presume it must be him.

 

 

Hi, read your post and although I try to see the best in people, this looks clearly like she is playing games. First she finishes it for her ex, then she is back texting and seeing you, to then cut you off again, then hints again, at you meeting up for meal, then goes silent. If this was only the once she had done this, I would say maybe she was treading the water, to see how you feel about her, but it's happened several times and the posts on fb about being in a relationship, are the final icing on the cake. My opinion, give her a wide gurth. She at best doesn't know what she wants and her behaviour toward you, isn't that of someone who cares for you, but selfish. Until she knows what she wants, she will only continue to cause you unrest. I'm sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear, it's jut my opinion.

 

I am giving her a wide berth and I am ending the games - trying to ask her why she has acted like this allows the games to continue. I just can't get my head around how she could be so nice and sweet all weekend and then post all that on Monday and just a 'yeh just a guy I have been seeing' like she is unaware it would hurt me. She is very intouch with her feelings and other people's feelings so that is what hurt the most - why she would purposefully hurt me when I have never done anything to hurt her. I know that she cares for me like I care for her so thats what it is confusing me!

[bulletproof]

It's not that I want her - the bridge has been burnt now and I don't think it can be rebuilt.

 

It is stopped - it is game over, it's more for me to try and work out why she acted the way she did.

 

It doesn't matter why she acted the way she did. By analyzing her, you're still giving her the same space in your head.

But if you do need some kind of answer: she acted the way she did because she knew she could get away with it with you.

Instead of spending all this time wondering why she acted a certain way, wonder why you put up with it and what's going on with you that felt this was suitable behavior for a potential partner.