Friend is draining me

[leollylolly]

Hi guys, so I have a really good friend who I've known for only a year and a few months but we grew really close really quick, we've spent a lot of time together and pretty much tell each other everything so i would consider her to be one of my closest friends. The problem is though, she can be very very draining. She got a new boyfriend some time last year a few months after she met me and he hasn't treated her the greatest to say the least and to top it off only a month after they met they decided to rent a new place together with a year long contract (which is still going) because he really needed a place to stay.. He's cheated on her and other girls while they were in their relationship, he's hit her, destroyed things in the house that she has to then pay to fix, he doesnt work and "doesnt have money" but has then somehow has money to go out every night and party with his friends, he has brought girls into their house to have sex with on the couch or the bed while my friend is at work.. hes just done all sorts of crazy things and hes broken her down and made her a mess got her in a ton of debt, she's failed many classes at uni and everything is just craziness.

 

My friend is a very kind person, she has a lot of friends who shes known for a long time, but she hasnt been as close to them in the past year since shes met this guy and me and we've sort of made our own little group of friends. The problem for me is, as much as i feel for everything that has gone on with this guy and I can understand why shes broken down to me many times, but it can be extremely draining. There is always so much drama going on and it's been going on for almost the whole of their relationship, just non stop. And every time im the one she comes to because i will sit and listen and give her advice and make her feel better. It's hard to just see someone who you care about go through so much and just sit there and not do anything. This year I've found it harder and harder to deal with. On new years eve I wasn't with any of these friends, but i went up to see some other friends in sydney just to enjoy the fireworks and have a good time. I had a great time just having fun and drinking and whatever, but a few days later when i went back home i came back to everything being an absolute mess. Apparently there were fights going on in my group all these secrets had come out about cheating and this and that, people had stopped talking to each other, everyone was depressed. And I just didn't know how to deal with it. I'm use to being around friends who just want to enjoy their time together and have fun, not friends who just want to constantly start drama and talk about drama and all that. It wasn't long until i got depressed just from hearing all of the drama and having to deal with all my friends coming to me about their problems. And then when things started to finally get better more drama came up about my friends boyfriend cheating again and all of the craziness started again. She came crying to me and this time i just couldnt deal with it, i kind of isolated myself just because i couldn't handle it any more. I'm not like the most stable person myself i have my own problems too but i try to make the most of things and try to improve on things but i find it almost impossible when im constantly being brought down by others all the time.

 

Things were a bit weird after that, i felt really lonely after all that happened and felt bad that i wasnt being there as usually for my friend but i tried to just focus on studies and positive things that were going on in my life. I've since made up with her and we've spent a lot more time together like we did in the past, but i feel like now when any drama comes up it just kind of hits me like a freight train and i just dont want to deal with it anymore. I'm a positive person and I've given so many solutions to the drama, the cheating and everything already that she just hasn't listened to and i just want to move on and not talk about it any more. I really want to keep these friendships and i want to help my friends who are going through a lot but it is a huge burden that is starting to weigh on me a lot and i dont know what to do anymore. What i want is for my friends to look out of their little boxes they've placed themselves in and see the other many things in the world and many other things that they could be doing in their lives and other experiences they could be having rather than obsessing over never ending drama. If any of you have any advice on what i should do or say to these friends or just how to deal with this in general it would be greatly appreciated. I just don't know if i can handle other people putting their problems on me anymore

[Sarah691607309662]

Your problem is very valid and difficult.

 

The issue is that your friend is in toxic r/s and she herself became toxic and she spreads toxicity around herself. You tried to deal with it by giving her advice how to stop the drama - most likely you advised her to break up with this guy - but she chooses to be in r/s. The truth of the matter is that this girl has deep seated issues that she does not want to face and she does need all this drama to distract her from those issues. She is in denial. It is like alcoholic who drinks to escape. Sad part is that those people are loners and can not maintain real friendships.

 

If I were you.... I would talk to her, tell her where I stand and either she drops the subject of her drama in our connection and our connection will be limited to playing tennis or book club we both attending... or it is over.

[agent1607307371]

I've given so many solutions to the drama, the cheating and everything already that she just hasn't listened to

 

She's in an abusive relationship, and the thing is, she won't listen to any advice until she's ready to. And that might be at the next flare up or it might be never.

 

You have to decide your own boundaries in this, and enforce them. And if that means you can be friend but she can't talk about her bf (hard to enforce and you'll probably find she loses interest in you as a friend) or that you can't be friends with her while she's with him, that's what it takes.

 

You need to put your own mental health first. You don't owe it to anyone to be the pot they vomit in.

[Wiseman2]

Advise your friend that she need domestic violence help and counselling. You are in over your head.

I have a really good friend who I've known for only a year. He's cheated on her and other girls while they were in their relationship, he's hit her. The problem for me is, as much as i feel for everything that has gone on with this guy and I can understand why shes broken down to me many times, but it can be extremely draining.

[leollylolly]

Thanks a lot for the help guys I think you're all right I do need to set boundaries and she needs to speak to someone else about all of this if it is effecting her this much.. she doesn't even speak to her family much any more it's almost all on me. A lot of the decisions she's made have been her own (such as moving in with and staying in a relationship with him) and it is becoming too much at this point im not a trained counselor in any way and im not being listened to as well i wish i could help but i really need to take care of myself first and she needs to learn how to take care of herself too