Should my boyfriend watching porn bother me?

[omnigeode]

I personally don't like porn for various reasons. I don't watch it and I don't want my boyfriend to watch it either. He actually told me that before he met me he rarely watched porn/masturbated but I think it's because he was very depressed. I would rather him do the above than be depressed obviously, but I'm glad he was out the habit of watching it.

 

We have regular sex (as much as possible with uni work in the way) and he always tells me that he's satisfied with what he's getting and if he's horny on his own he either waits for me (because he prefers me to get him off) or fantasises about me. If he actually lets me know through text then I can send him some naughty photos of myself so I know he's kinda using porn but it's of me so I feel secure.

 

I know I'm a fairly insecure person. I do have experiences that I believe have shaped that but it's also just the way I am. Men are not special creatures that need porn to function. If their partner doesn't want them to do it and they love them then they make a choice; sacrifice it for someone you love, argue for it or do it behind their back. If you truly love your partner I honestly don't see the issue in giving it up if your sex life is good. It's the main reason my boyfriend doesn't bother. If I knew we were gonna be apart for six months or something I probably wouldn't ask him not to...I think the hard part is actually SEEING it. If I think about the fact my boyfriend might be watching porn I can cope and just distance it from my mind but if I saw some search history I'd probably be upset.

 

This is just a suggestion but perhaps if you want your boyfriend to quit looking at other women you could suggest that the both of you record some videos of your own to watch together or on your own. BUT I INSIST that you don't even consider this if it isn't 100% in your comfort zone. It's just an idea

 

I don't really understand why people are acting like you're overreacting or that you don't have a right to ask him to stop. You're not overreacting because that's how you feel. If it hurts it hurts. All you've done is express this hurt to him so you've done nothing but be honest. It's always fine for people to just LOOK. I see men on the street or celebrities that I think are attractive...but I don't go home and get myself off to them. That WOULD upset my boyfriend and he wouldn't want to think I would ever do that. Just how I feel about him. The point is that YOU need to set down the boundaries for what you want and it's okay if you didn't do it at the start. Relationships are a constant learning experience and nobody can trap you into saying "well you didn't mind at the start so you're not allowed to mind now" that's ridiculous. You can mind whatever you want and you can tell him about it. The issue now is that he appears unwilling to part with it. For me, if the sex we had was good, would be a dealbreaker. Sitting at the computer and getting off to a video is a choice and if he chooses that over what you need then you have every right to leave if it doesn't suit you. You can find someone who matches what you need, like I have.

 

INB4 "Laurenzo your boyfriend watches porn behind your back". He doesn't, that just perpetuates the idea that men are unstoppable sex machines and need porn and multiple women to survive. Men are capable of coping with with desires just like women are capable, if you get into a relationship where commitment and faithfulness and no wandering eyes are a mutually agreed concept then you sacrifice it for a deep meaningful relationship with one person. If you can't do this then the relationship fails and you look for something else. Just don't be the person who acts like someone setting down their boundaries is a direct route to a partner being deceptive and doing stuff behind their back, because that's not an error in setting down what you need to be happy.

 

If you don't get what you need and neither of you are willing to change your stance or it'll make one of both of you happy to do so then you should break up because you'll just end up resenting each other in my opinion.

[ThatwasThen]

This is just a suggestion but perhaps if you want your boyfriend to quit looking at other women you could suggest that the both of you record some videos of your own to watch together or on your own. BUT I INSIST that you don't even consider this if it isn't 100% in your comfort zone. It's just an idea

DO NOT do this unless you are married or otherwise in a committed relationship and the YOU be the holder of the tape. You are setting yourself up to be on YouPorn for all to see when you do that with someone you are only dating. He you're setting yourself up for it if you're married even but at least you are more in control of the whereabouts of that tape then if you leave it in the hand of a boyfriend who you don't live with.

 

If their partner doesn't want them to do it and they love them then they make a choice; sacrifice it for someone you love, argue for it or do it behind their back. If you truly love your partner I honestly don't see the issue in giving it up if your sex life is good.

This is idealism at its finest and has zero basis as fact. Everyone, even animals masturbate and loving your partner or even if you are having sex three times a day, has zero to do with why we do it.

 

INB4 "Laurenzo your boyfriend watches porn behind your back". He doesn't, that just perpetuates the idea that men are unstoppable sex machines and need porn and multiple women to survive.

If he isn't watching two dimensional porn then he certainly is watching it in his head when he is enjoying his "private time" whether he's just denying it or you're just in denial is unknown though. What is important I guess is that he's found a verbal way to appease your insecurity which is a good thing.

[Longview01]

You almost feel like breaking the bad news to these woman that when men pleasure themselves they rarely if ever think about their partners while doing so

[omnigeode]

DO NOT do this unless you are married or otherwise in a committed relationship and the YOU be the holder of the tape. You are setting yourself up to be on YouPorn for all to see when you do that with someone you are only dating. He you're setting yourself up for it if you're married even but at least you are more in control of the whereabouts of that tape then if you leave it in the hand of a boyfriend who you don't live with.

I agree. I would do this personally just because I 100% trust my boyfriend, whether or not the OP should is another thing entirely, I just wanted to put it out there.

 

This is idealism at its finest and has zero basis as fact. Everyone, even animals masturbate and loving your partner or even if you are having sex three times a day, has zero to do with why we do it.

I'm not talking about masturbation. Myself and my boyfriend both masturbate individually, neither of us need or want porn. What I'm saying is that if your partner has a boundary e.g don't watch porn then I honestly do not see why porn would be of so much importance to you over someone you love. I would NEVER tell my boyfriend he couldn't masturbate on his own without me, that is a step too far into the zone of controlling...but as far as watching porn goes I don't really see why it's unfair to have a preference on whether or not one or both of you watch it. My boyfriend and I would be upset at each other if the other went to a strip club, so why is watching people in videos get naked and have sex any different? You can argue for their differences but I don't see any differences that make a significant separation between the two.

 

If he isn't watching two dimensional porn then he certainly is watching it in his head when he is enjoying his "private time" whether he's just denying it or you're just in denial is unknown though. What is important I guess is that he's found a verbal way to appease your insecurity which is a good thing.

This is fine with me. I have an issue with two dimensional porn. He can make up whatever fantasies he likes in his head and they may not all include me, but in my personal opinion that's very different to porn which feeds you information that you are not generating yourself. What I'm saying to the OP is that she should not be frightened to express how she feels and her boyfriend, in my opinion, should care enough about his girlfriend to give it up. If you see porn-watching as a right to claim for yourself, then fine, but don't expect people whom it upsets to stay with you if it's a dealbreaker, because for many it might be. Maybe I'm living in a world where people think porn is a human need and to that we'd just have to agree to disagree.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree. I would do this personally just because I 100% trust my boyfriend, whether or not the OP should is another thing entirely, I just wanted to put it out there.

You shouldn't be doing it either. Blind trust is simply just irresponsible.

 

 

I'm not talking about masturbation. Myself and my boyfriend both masturbate individually, neither of us need or want porn. What I'm saying is that if your partner has a boundary e.g don't watch porn then I honestly do not see why porn would be of so much importance to you over someone you love. I would NEVER tell my boyfriend he couldn't masturbate on his own without me, that is a step too far into the zone of controlling...

Seems you expect him to fantasize about you when he pleasures himself. My bad if you don't but I can guarantee you that he is not just visualizing you when he does it. Some of his "visions" may be about what the two of you did in your last sex session but that doesn't mean he's exclusively visualizing you.

 

but as far as watching porn goes I don't really see why it's unfair to have a preference on whether or not one or both of you watch it. My boyfriend and I would be upset at each other if the other went to a strip club, so why is watching people in videos get naked and have sex any different?

Because of the dynamic. One (a stripper) you are interacting with someone that feasibly one or the other could get with. In porn it's all about the fantasy and the visual stimulation.

 

You can argue for their differences but I don't see any differences that make a significant separation between the two.

look again, then.

 

 

This is fine with me. I have an issue with two dimensional porn. He can make up whatever fantasies he likes in his head and they may not all include me, but in my personal opinion that's very different to porn which feeds you information that you are not generating yourself.

And... the reason men/women use porn is because they need help with being able to visualize. Especially when you have been with the same person for more the a year or two.

 

What I'm saying to the OP is that she should not be frightened to express how she feels and her boyfriend, in my opinion, should care enough about his girlfriend to give it up.

And what I'm saying is your expectations are over the top.

 

If you see porn-watching as a right to claim for yourself, then fine, but don't expect people whom it upsets to stay with you if it's a dealbreaker, because for many it might be.

and for even more, those that think like you will be very disappointed when they find out that the guy that told them "they don't need it" actually has just hid it from you. If not right now, then eventually. Hopefully you'll have grown from your insecurity/jealousy and you won't care much about his private visuals that are not of you.

 

Maybe I'm living in a world where people think porn is a human need and to that we'd just have to agree to disagree.

It's not a human need... it's a visual aid. You are agreeing to disagree to something that no one has even argued with you about. No one said it was a "human need."

 

You can disapprove of it but don't try to convince someone (the op) that her boyfriend doesn't love her just because he views porn. If you think that then no wonder you are so insecure about him viewing... And don't say you are not doing that. You certainly are when you say "if he loved you, he would give it up." or if he loved you he wouldn't do it at all.

[omnigeode]

Him viewing porn doesn't = doesn't love her. But he's ignoring the fact it upsets her just so he can keep it. To me personally that isn't okay. If I was doing something that was causing my partner pain, my last thought would be to carry on and expect them to just suck it up if it was something like viewing porn. But then again, I don't enjoy porn so perhaps that's easy for me to say.

 

I actually brought this thread up to my boyfriend because I felt upset and insecure about it and we talked through a lot of stuff. We both realise that we will find others sexually attractive but we just mutually agree we don't want to know when the other does this which we're happy with. Neither of us want or need porn. You can claim you know my boyfriend better than I do and say he'll watch it and lie to me but we have an honest and calm relationship and we can discuss potentially upsetting topics without any kind of aggression or lying. He genuinely is happy with just masturbation, as am I. I don't know what else to tell you and don't feel the need to prove it to anyone more than I've stated.

 

I don't think I will ever not be jealous/insecure of his private visuals, and he admits he feels the same about mine but neither of us are saying it's a dealbreaker either. We just don't feel comfortable discussing it openly.

 

You say nobody is saying it's a human need and sure they haven't, but people act like they have uncontrollable urges and have to watch it and that men will 100% watch it and lie to and deceive their partners. It just sounds like as if you're saying they will because they're men and there's nothing we can do about it etc.

 

I think my "if he loves her he'll quit" thing was coming from my insecurities. I ended up having a panic attack and my boyfriend calmed me down and that's when we had the chat. In any case, I still feel she's allowed to be upset and that he should be far more considerate, but she doesn't necessarily have to let this come between them.

 

On topic I genuinely hope the OP can work this out and regardless of what she decides to do...it will help her to try and become more secure with this kind of thing. It may always make her upset and jealous, but she could try to accept the reasons behind it like I'm trying to do.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think I will ever not be jealous/insecure of his private visuals

Thank you for helping me make my point that you (like many young girls) don't like porn because of your own insecurities.

 

BTW: I don't claim to know your partner better then you do but I know human nature and I'm just sayin. And, yes. the Op is allowed to feel upset but she came her for advise and I'm trying to tell her that she needn't be upset over him watching as long as his watching isn't due to an addiction to it wherein he's giving up sex with her to pound away over it. She needn't be upset because it is NOT a poor reflection on her that he watches and it in no means is replacing her in any which way.

 

If the thought of all the circumstances we are discussing caused you to have a panic attack I'll apologise for triggering that but I will suggest that you think about getting professional guidance in helping you with your self-esteem/insecurity in general if such topics cause you to panic. Hopefully however, you will chillax about the subject as you get older. I'm assuming you're a young lady.

 

Have a good evening.

[omnigeode]

Will pm you as I believe we're off topic and I have some sensitive info I wanted to say.

[Azeripatriot]

Maybe he wants to discover something new in your relationship. Maybe he has sexual fantasy which he wish to start with you but can't tell you. Excuse my poor English.

[Sportster2005]

You don't need anyone's opinion or permission to be upset about anything. The reality is, you are.

 

The fact many people find porn acceptable is irrelevant and doesn't belittle you concern. You also don't have to accept it because it's been going on. People have the right to change, and do, change their minds and values. You can do so without anyone's approval or permission.

 

I would hope someone who loves you wouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns. "Everybody does it", isn't addressing a concern, it's an attempt to deflect and belittle your concerns.