Great marriage abruptly not so great. GIGS?

[Otmoppom]

Long story short, together years and met in college. Married for 4, I'm 30, she's 27.

 

I wouldn't say I had the college experience with drugs, drinking and women. Im into extreme sports(motocross, bmx, mountain biking) so none of that excited me. She was a bookworm, always in studying and never had the college experience.

 

She want to law and business school, began practicing law in a small city for a year. Things were always great, bills go paid, dates were often, it had its share of bickering, but after an argument we would always talk it out and laugh about how dramatic we can be. Our friends were all married and we shared similar values.

 

She recently got a job offer at a top notch banking firm in NYC, my company let me transfer, and we moved.

 

Almost instantly, she started acting distant and a uninterested. It would come in waves. One day she was telling me how great I am, the next she wouldn't speak to me. On her down days, she said work was just stressful. So I would always try to cook a mean she liked, or would buy her a piece of jewelry or something. Didn't seem to cheer her up. She met a group of single male friends she started going to happy hour with. They aren't her "type" they are very conservative and she's very liberal, I met them a few times and they were nice but I wasn't bothered by them. She never liked having too many female friends and was happy she met a group of guys who respected her marriage and didn't make advances towards her.

 

One night out a week after work turned into 2, then three into almost every day and weekends. She was hanging with these guys. We both worked a lot of hours as young professionals, so I asked to to balance it all. She would hang with friends 1-2 nights a week, 1 weeknight and one full weekend day was devoted for us. The rest for long work hours/chores/life stuff. It was okay for a few weeks until I would catch her lying about having to work late, and drinking with them. She would blow off dates with me saying she had to work, and I would know when she was lying and eventually got the truth out of her. Sometimes it would be with one or two of the guys, or 7. This caused a lot of arguing. She called me controlling, jealous, emotionally abusive and basically rewrote a whole bunch of scenarios. I never sensed an affair, but who ever does? She was just mean and distant.

 

Right after Christmas my mother in law (which I never got along with) came to visit. We had some stupid disagreement about me forgetting to put a new trash again after I take one out. My mother in law went crazy and cursed me out (she was drunk and Sri Lanka often). I told my wife I'm spending a few days with family until the MIL leaves. I left my keys so my mil could come and go when my wife was at work. I work remotely, so it was all okay to me.

 

After a few days my wife texted me and said she needs some space. She wouldn't respond to me asking why, what happened and can I get some stuff? Luckily, one of the suitcases I grabbed had a variety of stuff in it from a work trip. I kept texting her, because I wanted to know what was going on. She randomly said she wanted a divorce, that all my stuff was packed and had a moving company deliver it to my fathers house. Still won't talk to me.

 

I never begged or pleaded, I just wanted to know answers. She has a history of depression, panic attacks, and I'm concerned about alcohol and drug use, since she told me some of her friends do coke. She kept bringing up stupid things like how an old gf of mine drunk texted me one night, how the computer desk is always messy, just stupid stuff. Grasping for straws.

 

I told her, let's get a divorce then. She put me through 4 months of misery and my therapist told me I'm co-dependent and need to worry about you. She will not talk to me, I called her parents and they said she's devastated and wants a divorce. I asked what on earth was going on, they said I wouldn't leave her alone.

 

From what I hear, she's partying, drinking and possibly doing drugs. I separated finances and closed joint credit cards. I sent her an email saying I want the divorce to be over asap, so I can move on and meet someone new. She called my brother asking if I'm seeing someone. The whole thing is bizarre. She went from responsible adult to 10 year old brat overnight.

 

Got this from the Internet And seems very similar:

 

"• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them."

 

I asked her for the status of the divorce the other day and she said she wants me to pay for it and file. I told her I'm not paying and filing for a divorce I don't want! She called me some bad words, and that was it.

 

It seems she is having some kind of crisis, she is keeping me in limbo. The way the law works, we can only do a non contest divorce since we haven't been nys residents for more than a year. That's what she wanted and I originally resisted. When I told her okay, she is ignoring me. I'm willing to go to counseling, but I want a mature wife and family. If she can't provide me with what I need, I want to move on. It hurts but I've grieved and I'm ready to move on. She just won't cooperate with the divorce she wants and keeps insisting it's over and no reconsiliation.

 

I just don't know what to do. Should I live my life and wait it out?

[Ms Darcy]

So you said your therapist said you are co-dependent?

[Otmoppom]

In some ways, I am. Working on it. We were planning on having children together and had a future planned. Mostly, I tried to make sure she was safe and happy.

[SooSad33]

Sounds like she is just wanting to 'let loose'...could very well be GIGS.

I guess the only thing to do now, is let her. Yes, may as well move on with your Life.

 

Should she ever turn around again & regret this... it was her own doing, so she'll have to deal with it!

 

Just do yourself a favour and don't play games! They hurt.

Since divorce has been mentioned & agreed upon, carry on with it. Deal with it and move on.

I know, it can sometimes be hard to grasp all of this.. but remember.. you tried! Sadly, nothing more we can do.. but to work on accepting what is..

[Ms Darcy]

In some ways, I am. Working on it. We were planning on having children together and had a future planned. Mostly, I tried to make sure she was safe and happy.

 

Well, as always there are always two sides to every story. My best advice for you is to recognize you need to do a lot of self care as you go through this divorce. Try to see a therapist regularly to help you process things.

[Otmoppom]

Sounds like she is just wanting to 'let loose'...could very well be GIGS.

I guess the only thing to do now, is let her. Yes, may as well move on with your Life.

 

Should she ever turn around again & regret this... it was her own doing, so she'll have to deal with it!

 

Just do yourself a favour and don't play games! They hurt.

Since divorce has been mentioned & agreed upon, carry on with it. Deal with it and move on.

I know, it can sometimes be hard to grasp all of this.. but remember.. you tried! Sadly, nothing more we can do.. but to work on accepting what is..

 

I don't play games. If she doesn't want to be with me, I'm more than willing to let her go. I'm only 30, attractive enough, smart and hard working. I'll find someone that will want what I want.

 

But it seems she keeps saying divorce and won't file. I'm begging her to file so we can move on.

 

The weird thing is, things were wonderful and it was like a light switch turned off when she started partying. My therapist said it could be early stages of alcoholism (lots in her family are alcoholics) and she said that's where lies and choosing alcohol as #1.

 

I'm a laid back guy and don't like going out often. She was always the same way, when she met these guys, she wanted a social life, which I supported 100%. Gave me time to eat pizza in my underwear by myself. Good old man time.

 

But she has me in limbo and ignores me when I say I want to get the divorce process going if it will make her happy, and I want to move on with my life. She responds and says I'm being emotionally abusive.

 

She's very hard working and book smart. But her parents coddled her, and I coddled her, so she is immature in a lot of social ways.

[Birdie]

Sorry I'm not too familiar with how divorce works so I may be asking a dumb question, but if you want this to move forward why don't you file?

[Otmoppom]

Well, as always there are always two sides to every story. My best advice for you is to recognize you need to do a lot of self care as you go through this divorce. Try to see a therapist regularly to help you process things.

 

I would love to hear her side. She will not talk to me.

 

Self care is going good. I lived on my own since I was 18 (grew up lower middle class, so I worked full time through college) and I'm enjoying living with family, having no rent and have no shame in it.

 

But she is my wife and if she is having a mental crisis or drug problem causing fog, I want to be there for her. But after a few al-anon meetings, this isn't my job.

 

I'm in the suburbs, catching up with old friends , bought a new car and actually have a job interview next week for a better job.

 

I'm a strong person, I've been through a lot in life. I'm in the acceptance part of this thing.

 

But I don't really know if she wants a divorce, is bluffing, is confused or is going insane.

 

I mean, I'm giving her the divorce on a silver platter. Assets already split and I told her she can keep the furniture (she picked it out and I hate it).

[Otmoppom]

Sorry I'm not too familiar with how divorce works so I may be asking a dumb question, but if you want this to move forward why don't you file?

 

She originally said she would play all attorney fees (non contest divorces are quick and not complicated). She makes 3x more than me and I'm not going after any sort of temporary support, I just want to move on. I told her I will not pay for the divorce she wants.

 

After I'm a nys resident for a year (November) I can serve her with contested divorce.

[Ms Darcy]

Well we don't really know what's going on with her so I wouldn't speculate too much. But I'm glad your self care is going well.

[Otmoppom]

Sounds like she is just wanting to 'let loose'...could very well be GIGS.

I guess the only thing to do now, is let her. Yes, may as well move on with your Life.

 

Should she ever turn around again & regret this... it was her own doing, so she'll have to deal with it!

 

Just do yourself a favour and don't play games! They hurt.

Since divorce has been mentioned & agreed upon, carry on with it. Deal with it and move on.

I know, it can sometimes be hard to grasp all of this.. but remember.. you tried! Sadly, nothing more we can do.. but to work on accepting what is..

 

I always supported her to go out and let loose. She just did it 7 days a week and was going over budget (she used to be very frugal) and was ignoring my emotional needs and ignored all responsibilities except work and drinking.

[Otmoppom]

Well we don't really know what's going on with her so I wouldn't speculate too much. But I'm glad your self care is going well.

 

Thanks. But I cannot grieve and move on or date until we divorce. Often gigs happens in relationships, not marriages. It's often said the dumper tries to keep the dumpee in their lives. Maybe she's trying to take control with not filing and not talking to me? I've always been a push over and gave her whatever she wanted. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she can come back whenever or keep me as a plan B.

 

I would only consider reconciliation under strict boundaries, counseling and for her to convince me she wants it and wants to put in effort. She screwed me up by this and 3 months of my life I was extremely depressed. For me to trust her again would take a miracle. But I don't want to judge. Every time I vent and throw out accusations, my father tells me "you don't know what's wrong, what if she has a brain tumor" worry about you right now, she doesn't want your help.

 

I just hate living in limbo

[Movingforward3]

I think you have a wife that feels she missed something when growing up. She wants to be free to whatever she wants to do. And being married interfers with that plan. Doesn't mean she doesn't want her cake and to eat it, too. She likely wants to keep you as a backup plan, just in case her new life doesn't work out.

Some have put forth the idea of a "starter" marriage.

 

Sorry, you are going thru this. In the end, does it really matter about the why she has lost her "mind"?

 

You need to this far behind you, quickly. I hope you can find some peace and solace.

[Dougie_D]

I'm an extreme outsider when it comes t getting dates, but being single for eternity has allowed me to observe couples, married people.

 

Married or non single people tend to enjoy doing things with married or non single people. It's something to relate to.

 

Even if these single men never made a move on her, ... Anytime she talked about relationships it was always about you. When the men spoke, they were talking about girl A, girl B, etc...

 

I think after awhile, in a weird way, she was embarrassed about not having multiple "date" stories.

[Otmoppom]

I think you have a wife that feels she missed something when growing up. She wants to be free to whatever she wants to do. And being married interfers with that plan. Doesn't mean she doesn't want her cake and to eat it, too. She likely wants to keep you as a backup plan, just in case her new life doesn't work out.

Some have put forth the idea of a "starter" marriage.

 

Sorry, you are going thru this. In the end, does it really matter about the why she has lost her "mind"?

 

You need to this far behind you, quickly. I hope you can find some peace and solace.

 

It's hard to put it far behind me when I'm married to this person. Although I've detached, I would like to eventually casually date and I refuse to as a married man. I'm not sin free, and if there is a hell I may end up there, but I take marriage vows very seriously.

 

But I've experienced much more in life and she had a very coddled upbringing.

 

I understand when things don't work out, but weeks earlier, we were talking children. We had enough money saved for a down payment on a house and it's all upside down.

 

Again, I think I'm in a good place compared to many in my situation.

 

I just hate not knowing and don't understand why she doesn't want to file.

[Otmoppom]

I just wish I knew if it was a stage or something. She isn't acting like herself and is very mean to me. She threatened to have my cat put down if I didn't pick him up by a certain date, and she's an animal lover.

[Raindrop22]

I'm no therapist by all means but I studied psychology in college.

 

Alcohol is a depressant and when she's drinking so often, it could be interfering with her brain chemistry causing her to be irrational. She might be just as confused about herself as you are but lashes at you in orde to protect herself- thus calling you emotionally abusive.

 

You did mention she has a history of depression. Bingo. She's hit a rough patch and only she can lift herself from it. At this point, she's probably treating you this way but not going through with the divorce because you've always been kind to her. She's not use to the reactions she's getting from you when she treats you badly so she sums you up as "the bad guy".

 

Which I'm sure you're not. You seem like a reasonable person who takes matters into his own hands and tried to be mature about things.

 

Sounds like she has a lot of introspection to do. I understand it's hard but if she's jumping to the conclude you guys should divorce, that's a huge step. It sounds like maybe her mom is also feeding her negative thoughts about you in order to push her daughter alway.

 

 

PM me if you want to talk.

[gigiselle]

Ottmoppom:

 

She left long ago. You didn't recognize it. When someone chooses to indulge in a "singles" lifestyle while married, it means they'd rather be single. People who want to remain married protect their bond. She didn't do this. She may not be able to deal with being the "bad guy"...so instead she ignores you....or worse blames you. My advice is STOP. Think about what you want: a mature woman, someone who loves you and respects marriage, someone who'd rather be with you than out with the guys...YOU deserve BETTER. Sorry it turned out this way for you. I'm not saying she's a monster but---she's not ready for commitment. This is also common in midlife--people want to capture something they never had or recapture something they did. Be glad you didn't give her 20 years of your life!! The right person is out there for you.

[Otmoppom]

Ottmoppom:

 

She left long ago. You didn't recognize it. When someone chooses to indulge in a "singles" lifestyle while married, it means they'd rather be single. People who want to remain married protect their bond. She didn't do this. She may not be able to deal with being the "bad guy"...so instead she ignores you....or worse blames you. My advice is STOP. Think about what you want: a mature woman, someone who loves you and respects marriage, someone who'd rather be with you than out with the guys...YOU deserve BETTER. Sorry it turned out this way for you. I'm not saying she's a monster but---she's not ready for commitment. This is also common in midlife--people want to capture something they never had or recapture something they did. Be glad you didn't give her 20 years of your life!! The right person is out there for you.

 

It took a few months to get to this point. She wanted to live this lifestyle and come home to me at 3am and expect to have a reliable husband to come home to. She wanted both. I was okay with the occasional night out to let loose and I was never much of a jealous guy, but my emotional needs (which are minimal) were not being met.

 

The thing is, I told her I want a marriage and family and I support her choice to divorce me and want her to be happy. She just won't cooperate with the no contest divorce. I told her I want to end it too, grieve and move on with my life. She won't speak to me, but spoke to my dad the other day regarding getting my name off an account (she refuses to speak to me now). My dad asked her "between you and me, why are you guys getting a divorce" he said there was dead silence and she said she had to go and hung up.

 

If she came to me tomorrow and said she wanted to be with me and wanted to work it out, she would have to make pigs fly for me to trust her. But I wish we tried and I miss the old her and us. It happened so fast and there were no major issues.

 

We were good together, before all of this we were always like two giggly 13 year old girl bff's.

 

I want to move on with my life and while I'm not going to go out and get married tomorrow, I want myself to be free when the right person comes along.

[Otmoppom]

I'm no therapist by all means but I studied psychology in college.

 

Alcohol is a depressant and when she's drinking so often, it could be interfering with her brain chemistry causing her to be irrational. She might be just as confused about herself as you are but lashes at you in orde to protect herself- thus calling you emotionally abusive.

 

You did mention she has a history of depression. Bingo. She's hit a rough patch and only she can lift herself from it. At this point, she's probably treating you this way but not going through with the divorce because you've always been kind to her. She's not use to the reactions she's getting from you when she treats you badly so she sums you up as "the bad guy".

 

Which I'm sure you're not. You seem like a reasonable person who takes matters into his own hands and tried to be mature about things.

 

Sounds like she has a lot of introspection to do. I understand it's hard but if she's jumping to the conclude you guys should divorce, that's a huge step. It sounds like maybe her mom is also feeding her negative thoughts about you in order to push her daughter alway.

 

 

PM me if you want to talk.

 

Thanks. I can't seem to PM you for some reason.

 

My therapist said the same thing, and since alcoholism runs in her family, she could be in the early stages of alcoholism. My dad was an alcoholic and it kind of made for a bad childhood, this is why I will never pick up a drink.

 

I offered her space, controlled separation, therapy and she said no. She said I have way too many issues and shouldn't be with anyone for a long time and need serious help. But she still never told me what I did wrong other than stupid petty things I've upset her about during the relationship, and she forgave me for. No abuse, infidelity or any of that.

 

She says she drinks to "let loose after a stressful day". My therapist said this is not a good sign, she's using it to cope instead of having a good time.

 

Her mom is definitely feeding her negative thoughts and her sister, who's taken a psychology course, opened up her textbook and diagnosed me with BPD. I'm not perfect, but when I brought this up to my therapist, she started laughing and said "if I had a daughter, I would want her to be with you. No one is perfect and you're here every week trying to better yourself. You're doing better than most people and are probtbLy one of the most self-observant clients I've ever had".

 

I mean, I'm ready to casually date and talk to new women and see where I stand. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship not want one any time soon, I just want to cut ties and grieve. She's refusing to move a finger, like she is keeping me on the shelf or something. She may think as long as she's married to me, I'm a backup. She is asking people if I'm dating and stuff. It's so weird.

 

I guess I just have to wait to file and date as a separated man. If I meet the one and wNt to get married eventually, I will serve her and pay for it myself.

[shessofly]

Maybe I misunderstood your first post, but she asked for space and you were the one to initiate the divorce talk. Now you are talking as if she is keeping you from moving on and say you don't want to be in limbo anymore. I am no advocate of divorce in most circumstances, but if you really feel this way why not file? You say you are detached and want to move on with your life, so you are playing a part in keeping yourself in limbo. You have the same option to walk into the courthouse and file that paperwork. Unless you absolutely do not have the funds to initiate the process, in the long run the freedom from the headache of all the drama is worth the cost of the divorce. If you continue to leave it all in her hands she will maintain all control of the situation and you could find yourself waiting for a very long time.

 

Maybe you don't really want to divorce? Maybe you are holding out in hopes that she will come around and change her mind? That's your prerogative too, but in my opinion placing the full weight of the responsibility of filing on her and then talking as if she is holding you back is not entirely accurate. When you file and she refuses to sign off, then you can point the finger at her. At this point you are choosing to leave it up to her. You are waiting on someone who is in a state of reckless living to file. It could be years before she comes out of that state of mind, if ever. There's no rush for her - she's going to live however she wants anyway.

 

Not trying to start a debate or come down hard on you here...just my 2 cents that the loss of some of your finances is worth getting rid of the headache - but obviously I do not know your financial situation or the legal requirements where you live. Anyway, it's all still fresh for you and I'm sure there is still some shock involved. Is the truth that you really want her back and are kind of in a state of denial in order to protect yourself emotionally? Because if you are truly detached you're not going to scour the internet looking up terms like GIGS and starting threads about her state of mind. There is nothing wrong with wanting your marriage to survive. What does your therapist say about all this leaving it her in hands business? Is that part of the codependency?

[Otmoppom]

Maybe I misunderstood your first post, but she asked for space and you were the one to initiate the divorce talk. Now you are talking as if she is keeping you from moving on and say you don't want to be in limbo anymore. I am no advocate of divorce in most circumstances, but if you really feel this way why not file? You say you are detached and want to move on with your life, so you are playing a part in keeping yourself in limbo. You have the same option to walk into the courthouse and file that paperwork. Unless you absolutely do not have the funds to initiate the process, in the long run the freedom from the headache of all the drama is worth the cost of the divorce. If you continue to leave it all in her hands she will maintain all control of the situation and you could find yourself waiting for a very long time.

 

Maybe you don't really want to divorce? Maybe you are holding out in hopes that she will come around and change her mind? That's your prerogative too, but in my opinion placing the full weight of the responsibility of filing on her and then talking as if she is holding you back is not entirely accurate. When you file and she refuses to sign off, then you can point the finger at her. At this point you are choosing to leave it up to her. You are waiting on someone who is in a state of reckless living to file. It could be years before she comes out of that state of mind, if ever. There's no rush for her - she's going to live however she wants anyway.

 

Not trying to start a debate or come down hard on you here...just my 2 cents that the loss of some of your finances is worth getting rid of the headache - but obviously I do not know your financial situation or the legal requirements where you live. Anyway, it's all still fresh for you and I'm sure there is still some shock involved. Is that truth that you really want her back and are kind of in a state of denial in order to protect yourself emotionally? Because if you are truly detached you're not going to scour the internet looking up terms like GIGS and starting threads about her state of mind. There is nothing wrong with wanting your marriage to survive. What does your therapist say about all this leaving it her in hands business? Is that part of the codependency?

 

My therapist told me to let her be and give her space, which I've been doing. I'm an engineer, my mind works in a way where I need to figure everything out. The human mind is not like a machine, and I need to accept that I don't know what's going on with her.

 

I want the marriage to survive and believe is could if she wanted it to and was willing to put the work in. But I can't make her do anything and I'm just agreeing with what she wants. If divorcing her will relieve her of that much misery, I want to give it to her. But I'm not filing for a divorce I don't wany.

 

I wouldn't say I'm fully detached, but enough where I can go back to being me and accept her wishes. I may never truly be detached, even years down the road. But I'm not sitting here waiting for her, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on and how to react.

 

It's weird, when she first brought up divorce I tried to reason and book counseling sessions. She was responsive and told me it wasn't going to work. She would sound sad and say sorry. She told me she had an attorney writing up a retainer And wanted me to accept a no contest. When I decided to let her go with love and tell her I'm going with what she wants, she stopped responding, told me the lawyer dropped the case because of conflict?, and keeps accusing me of seeing other people.

 

People keep telling me she's bluffing. That's not in her personality, but she isn't acting like the person I know.

 

If she needs to get smashed for a year and get it out of her system, and comes back, it will be my decision. But I just don't know how to move on. If we were dating, a clean break and NC would be in order. But we are married.

[Otmoppom]

One of the last emails I sent her said something along the lines of "I want you to find what you're looking for and I want to move on, find a new spouse and have a family and have a home (which we always talked about). I wasn't trying to upset her, it's how I feel. She did not react to this well and she asked a mutual friend if I'm planning on getting remarried. Yet since this all started, she will not have a discussion with me. Just random emails and texts. I don't think she's doing well and my mother in law (which never liked me because of a personal view on politi s) isn't helping.

[gigiselle]

Youre in the U.S right? You don't need her permission. Uncontested divorces....they Take a bit longer but still happen. You don't need her signature....she's stalling. She won't talk to you because she can't give you a reasonable explanation (or your Dad). She's VERY immature. Anybody with any maturity could even say...."Sorry, I fell out of love."...or whatever....I'm no longer happy...don't want you...whatever. She prefers it al disappears. Move on. Forget trying to figure it out. She's done. She's distrespectul. She doesn't give a rats azz about you. There's a gal out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

[gigiselle]

One of the last emails I sent her said something along the lines of "I want you to find what you're looking for and I want to move on, find a new spouse and have a family and have a home (which we always talked about). I wasn't trying to upset her, it's how I feel. She did not react to this well and she asked a mutual friend if I'm planning on getting remarried. Yet since this all started, she will not have a discussion with me. Just random emails and texts. I don't think she's doing well and my mother in law (which never liked me because of a personal view on politi s) isn't helping.

 

You're confusing ego with love. No person wants to be replaced or discarded. She doesn't care about you but--she may care if she's quickly replaced(all ego!!). Not about you only her! Quit e-mailing her. She's begging you to move on....I say stop ALL contact.