advice: wife has left

[rogerthornhill]

Hi,

 

My wife of 2 years left me three months ago. We had been together for a total of 4 years. On a recent one-week trip to a conference in Brazil she met someone. She returned and after about a week told me she had met someone and realized that she didn't feel the same way about me. She said that she realized that she was confused and had doubts and thought it was best to separate.

 

We have had an extremely close, loving and calm relationship. We never fought and had only few misunderstandings that we always resolved by talking it through. We do have an age difference -I am 39 and she is 24. We had plans to move to NYC, where we both grew up, (we live in London) later this year. When I asked exactly what was wrong for her she said that she was tired of my behaviour, for I have been depressed for the better part of the time that we have been together. I have talked about my depression and how it affects us/her, but my progress in changing was slow. But her meeting someone else and deciding to leave was completely unforeseen and unexpected.

 

Initially I thought our separation would be a temporary thing. I tried to give her the space she asked for and after two weeks we spoke again. The man she met in Brazil had come to London, and they spent a week together. I of course was unhappy to hear this, but decided that I must simply continue to show her how much I want to save our relationship and that I will do what ever it takes. Over the next several weeks we have some contact - emails, a few meetings, and I try to let her know again that I am committed to changing and moving forward, but she said that she is "ok" with where she is. In the following weeks she visits him in Brazil. I continue to try to spend time with her (I am trying to fight to save our relationship, to win her back, to show her that with all we have talked about we can work and move forward… but I am always respectful of her, trying to walk the line between expressing how much she means to me and not driving her crazy or pressuring her) However in the end she said that she was feeling incredibly guilty and that it was hard for her to see me. So I stopped asking to she her. I guess I thought its best to let some more time pass if this was what she needed or wanted.

 

Two weeks ago I received an email from her saying that - the job that was being created for her in NYC (as part of plan to move back this year) has happened faster than anticipated and she is heading to NYC, the next day, for a month and a half - tentatively at first to see if her being in NYC is good for organization as well. And now I hear that this man from Brazil has made a "long-term" trip to NYC as well. So it looks like I have been replaced in NYC as well. I don't know if they will continue or not… but I am at a loss about what I should do or say at this point.

 

I know that I could have been less withdrawn while with her in our relationship. But depression is hard, as many of you may know. It's not like you tell some with cancer just to get over it and get on. Still I think that after all we have been through particularly after such a close relationship, where I always tried to make sure that she was happy and loved, where I didn't "do" anything overtly wrong, (she always bragged to friends "how wonderful I was", etc.), that her abrupt departure and latching on to someone else is inexplicable.

 

Is this just the chance I took with settling down with someone her age? I remember my 20s; I know that people that ages are capable of and apt in change much more that some in the late 30s. Was this other man just a catalyst for along standing problem? Did I was simply traded in for a better model?

 

This had, of course, been rather hard for me. To say that I am quite sad or heartbroken seems hardly adequate … I miss her deeply everyday. I genuinely felt I had finally met the right person to share my life with. I am seeing a counsellor who deals relationships, etc, but not sure how much it will help.

 

As I would like more than anything to have to another chance with her - or maybe its better to stay a fresh start? - I guess I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in or near a similar situation. What's the best thing for me to do? How to get her back? How to move on in the mean time?

 

Thanks in advance; any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Katelyn55655]

You can't get her back if she doesn't want to come back. All you can do is accept the way things are and give her space. The harder you push the farther away she will go. It's human nature.

 

Regarding your depression...have you considered meds? Not that meds would win her back...but it would help with your current hurt and depression. Depression does push people away, unfortunately. It is very hard to live with a depressed person.

 

Regarding promises of changing...you can't prove to her that you'll 'change' any more than a leopard could profess to be able to remove it's spots. You are the way you are and you occur for her as you did in her past memories of you. It sounds like she is putting you in her past and this new guy in her future.

 

I do think the age difference could be a problem. I spent several years married to a man who was 10 years older and after awhile I just wanted a guy my own age. He just seemed to be winding down and I wasn't anywhere near that. Your age difference is even more dramatic...who's to say. Maybe you can come to grips with the reality of this situation and go from there. I know you're sad but when you accept that you have no control over her...only you...then you can choose how to take care of yourself.

[bzborow1]

Hi there,

 

First off, my situation is quite similar to yours, although i'm 22 and my ex was 20. We had been together for 5 years and were engaged when she left for a conference in NYC, she met someone there and slept with him, etc, etc...said she needed time to figure herself out.

 

You can't blame yourself for this, you did nothing to deserve being cheated on, nothing deserves that kind of pain. It's obvious she's still in denial because she's blaming relationship problems for all of her indiscretions. It could be a culmination of a lot of things for her, or it could have just been that she suddenly realized how young she was, the point is you won't ever get the truth from her. Do you even "really" want to know the truth?

 

When my situation happened, i tried to look for some logical explanation for why everything happened the way it did. I came to the conclusion that some things you just can't explain, and this is one of those things. She's obviously confused with her position in life, and there's nothing you can do fix that for her.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with trading you in for a better model, in fact I think it really has nothing to do with the other guy. She is the one calling the shots, and maybe she's just confused about committment, etc.

 

For the future. I don't know the whole story, but from my experience it's good to get away from her for a while. If it's meant to be she's got to come to you now. I know it's hard, but for that kind of committment, it's gotta be two-way...and I think the only way you'll know that for sure is if you let her find her way back to you. If you set it free, and it comes back, it was meant to be.

 

I'm not saying cut all contact with her, but just think of her as an "acquaintance" perhaps? You have to try and move on with your life because it sounds like she is trying to. Moving on is VERY tough, loneliness is the biggest obstacle. But now you'll be able to do anything you want, for you, whenever you want. No one can really say how to move on from something as bad as this, but all the advice I can give is to get out, meet people, and get busy.

 

Good Luck.

[salsipuedes]

Hello my friend,

 

First of all, sorry about the loss of your wife. I can understand what it is to lose the person you love, especially when you have been betrayed.

 

Speaking as a woman, I feel that she is not reliable, that she really really is going to do this to you again and again.

 

Like the other guy who wrote to you said, it is not about you, and it is not about the other guy. It is about her. She has a BIG problem and it is not your fault.

 

I hope you can soon forget her and move on with your life; believe me, there are MANY ladies out there who could use the love and understanding of a man of integrity like you.

 

Keep busy, and God Bless you!

A Lady from Mexico