I feel absolutely broken. If I could not exist I would

[CaliSunrise]

My ex of five years wanted to remain friends after she broke up with me, I agreed. I was losing my mind because I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her and she didn't want it. So today I said I need to meet up and we went out to breakfast. I told her I love her, adore her and that I have changed and will keep changing and that the relationship wouldn't be like the last one if you just give me a shot and we take it slow. She was wishy washy to the idea and then told me "there's no way we will be getting back together" "I don't want a boyfriend right now and I won't be able to figure anything out until I'm off school in the summer". She said that she gave me so many chances to treat her right and now she's done and feels no emotions. Then she said she's not god she doesn't know if we will ever be together again.

 

So I told her if that's how she feels, than I have to delete her from my life, fb, snapchat everything and that we can't be friends and that I'll be out of your life forever in order for me to heal. She cried and got upset, then mad, and then said fine whatever. I told her I'll always care about her and I'll leave the door open if she changes her mind but for right now I have to be able to move on and heal.

 

 

I'm absolutely broken, I'm so sad, we did everything together and had so many memories and good times and now it's over. Now someone else will eventually be loving her and I can't even handle it. A part of me wants to hold out on maybe by cutting her off, she will have time to miss me and eventually contact me to try to work it out. But on the other hand, I can't hold onto hope right now. I have to get over her and forget her but it's so hard for me, I'm not one of those people to just be able to cut it out. My memories are so vivid and I'm reminded by her by everything since we did everything together.

 

She said she loves me and cares for me but hasn't had time to deal with everything she's doing. By cutting her off, do you guys think there is a chance she realizes what she had in me and contacts me in time? Does that usually happen?

 

She was so absolutely beautiful, I can't believe I took her for granted when I was with her. I have so much regret. I don't know how I'm going to get through this I need serious help. I need words of advice. I need advice on what to do. I don't know if I can make it.

[Mari]

My ex of five years wanted to remain friends after she broke up with me, I agreed. I was losing my mind because I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her and she didn't want it. So today I said I need to meet up and we went out to breakfast. I told her I love her, adore her and that I have changed and will keep changing and that the relationship wouldn't be like the last one if you just give me a shot and we take it slow. She was wishy washy to the idea and then told me "there's no way we will be getting back together" "I don't want a boyfriend right now and I won't be able to figure anything out until I'm off school in the summer". She said that she gave me so many chances to treat her right and now she's done and feels no emotions. Then she said she's not god she doesn't know if we will ever be together again.

 

So I told her if that's how she feels, than I have to delete her from my life, fb, snapchat everything and that we can't be friends and that I'll be out of your life forever in order for me to heal. She cried and got upset, then mad, and then said fine whatever. I told her I'll always care about her and I'll leave the door open if she changes her mind but for right now I have to be able to move on and heal.

 

 

I'm absolutely broken, I'm so sad, we did everything together and had so many memories and good times and now it's over. Now someone else will eventually be loving her and I can't even handle it. A part of me wants to hold out on maybe by cutting her off, she will have time to miss me and eventually contact me to try to work it out. But on the other hand, I can't hold onto hope right now. I have to get over her and forget her but it's so hard for me, I'm not one of those people to just be able to cut it out. My memories are so vivid and I'm reminded by her by everything since we did everything together.

 

She said she loves me and cares for me but hasn't had time to deal with everything she's doing. By cutting her off, do you guys think there is a chance she realizes what she had in me and contacts me in time? Does that usually happen?

 

She was so absolutely beautiful, I can't believe I took her for granted when I was with her. I have so much regret. I don't know how I'm going to get through this I need serious help. I need words of advice. I need advice on what to do. I don't know if I can make it.

 

Generally going NC is for you to heal, not to get the relationship back. The relationship is based on trust on what each person wants. If she was in a relationship with you and you took her for granted then her trust in you is down. You could rebuild trust by changing and being friends with her. But you risk remaining in pain and she may opt for a new boyfriend so you may get hurt then. If you want to get over her and then be just friends go NC. If you want to rebuild trust you should probably try visibly improving in front of her, which would mean you wouldn't go NC.

[BlarneyStone]

You have to go no contact to heal. It's the only option you have.

[kellbell69187]

You should take what you learned from this relationship and treat the next girl you feel this way about the right way. Don't take the next one for granted. She may go back to you eventually but from reading it seems like she has been too hurt to get back together with you.

[strongemily]

Buddy, in the beginning it is going to be hard. It will be really hard. You cannot do anything but accept it, accept that you will feel pain and you will be sad. Allow yourself to feel those emotions, then process them in whatever way feels right and which is not detrimental: cry in bed, vent as much as you need on here or any other outlet, but try not to give into distractions such as too much TV, drinking, bingeing, etc. You may want to do this more than one or two days, and that is fine. These feelings WILL pass.

 

Some things you can do to allow the pain to go faster is to remove reminders of her. Put away all photos, gifts, whatever else reminds you of her into boxes and hide them or even give them to a friend to hold on for you so you can not access them. Unfortunately, you cannot mope for the rest of your life, so at some point you will need to start doing activities that do not remind you of her. Cook a good meal, watch a TV show you enjoy, read, draw, go running or a walk.

 

As much as everyone will advise you NOT to have hope, I think that you should "Okay" that hope for now. It is not just going to go away just because you want it to. Okay those thoughts that she may contact you some day, far into the future. But at the same time, imagine yourself moving on. Imagine yourself being completely okay with yourself in the near future, being happy, being successful. Eventually, you will be okay with not having that hope.

[CaliSunrise]

Thank you for the replays guys. Now I'm wondering if I should just have stayed friends with her while getting over her? I'm really confused.

[strongemily]

Thank you for the replays guys. Now I'm wondering if I should just have stayed friends with her while getting over her? I'm really confused.

 

I have wondered that myself, and I have come to the conclusion that it would not be helpful for either my ex or me if we were to remain friends. In your case, I think that if she is indecisive, she will continue to be indecisive if you were friends since she has the comfort that you are still there. You, on the other hand, would be waiting every moment for her to suddenly change her mind... and you would be waiting a long time most likely. Earlier this year I went through the same thing. My not-boyfriend knew he loved me, but he was indecisive about getting back into a relationship after we had broken up the first time. I kept hanging out with him, we acted like we were in a relationship for the most part but without the labels.. it was so much torture for me. More importantly, I wasn't able to work through the issues we had and better myself as a person because I was too busy pining and waiting for him. Finally, though, when I had to go away for two weeks and then found out I was being moved to a job in another state, he realized how much he wanted to be with me and we started getting serious again after that. So I think it takes a certain catalyst to spark that decision, whether it be in favor of a relationship or not. I really believe that no contact is essential so that you can heal and make yourself better before jumping back into a flawed relationship. It hasn't even been a year since that boyfriend and I had gotten back together, and we had to break up again because all of our issues were only getting worse and we were trying to force things back to the way they were instead of growing.

 

On the other hand, if both parties are very mature and realize everything going wrong, they could probably work through the issues without breaking up. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to work out much of the time... Well, I hope this info is helpful to you in some way.

 

also, to add, I'm hoping some day (most likely months and months from now) I can finish my story and say that both my ex and I were able to grow and become our own, happy, individual selves, and that we found each other again. And if not, I will have found myself and be just as happy on my own!

[Usa1ah]

I think you did the right thing. Heal yourself and become a better person. Then find a relationship. After hurting your ex I can understand why she won't give you another chance. That's is why you need to work on yourself before you get serious again.

[rich46]

Thank you for the replays guys. Now I'm wondering if I should just have stayed friends with her while getting over her? I'm really confused.

no, no, no, no, no, no and no.

 

Been there, done that after my first break up some 11 years ago. It was my first love, went through University together, etc etc. That is when I first found these forums and have been here on and off during my times of need since. Learned so much by reading and reading, and I suggest you do the same in the coming months.

 

Meeting up with your ex wasn't a good move, but at least you got everything off your chest, so no regrets.

 

Telling her that you can't keep in touch anymore was a very wise move, and you should be proud for showing that strength.

 

She got mad and angry for selfish reasons, i.e. she would likely keep you on a string, and you would be helping her to ease her guilt, until one day she finds someone new and make no mistake, you would be dropped in an instant, left at square one while she has used you as a crutch to recover. it is classic dumper behaviour.

 

These first few weeks and months of NC will be so tough, especially if you haven't done such a thing before, and you will need your friends/family/this website's support to get through.

 

Be assured, you have made the right choice, and I wish you well

[rich46]

 

She said she loves me and cares for me but hasn't had time to deal with everything she's doing. By cutting her off, do you guys think there is a chance she realizes what she had in me and contacts me in time? Does that usually happen?

.

It has happened two out of three times for me, months or even years down the road.

 

Staying in contact when she clearly needs space and time for herself would give you a virtually zero chance of rekindling in the future.

 

No contact gives you a slight chance but only if you recover, build yourself back up, get into shape, new hobbies, find strength, focus on yourself etc etc.

 

That should be your focus from now. Use the possibility of her contacting you a few months down the line as your motivation if you like, even though ideally you aren't worrying about her and just want to improve yourself for your own sake. In the beginning, it is hard to think like that though. Work on yourself and if she comes back, then you will be a new improved version of yourself, and if she doesn't, well.....you will still be a new improved version of yourself!

[Cynder]

Hey there... I'm in a very similar situation right now. My ex has told me he wants to get back together though. But it's so hard. Him and I did everything together, too. So many mutual friends. So many memories. Everywhere I look there's something that reminds me of him.

 

It is really hard being friends with someone you are in love with.

 

I wish you luck with NC. I haven't gone completely NC with mine. But we try to keep the contact limited. Hang in there, virtual hugs.

[CaliSunrise]

I went out on a date last night and it went well, but after it all I could think about was my ex and today I'm not doing good. Some days I feel great and like I'm improving and then I have days like this where I'm so depressed and regretful. I want her back so bad I can't get her out of my mind some days.

[No1]

Remaining friends with her would of been the worst thing you could of done. Now, I get why you would want to. You figure if she still sees you, she will fall in love with you all over again. See something and say "ohhh baby I missed you blah blah blah". Only in the movies does it work that way.

This is what would of happened. If you remained 'friends' with her she would of eventually told you that she met this wonderful guy and that she feels he is the one. He is wonderful, the sex is great and she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Do you think as "friends" you could handle that? No, you wouldnt..

Its over! You are still in a little shock, maybe sprinkle in some denial in there but its over. And what is killing you is that you thought you were being all cool and now you look back and you feel horrible that you took her for granted. She is going to find a guy who wont take her for granted. The thing is that you are not supposed to right a wrong with her. Thats not how it goes. You learn from this and dont take the next girl for granted.

You will never be romantically involved with her again. Its just how life is my friend. Now, you are not supposed to forget her because you wont. Youll never forget her but dont talk to her. Delete all the emails, texts and her number from your phone. You have to let the relationship go and let time do its thing. Let the emotional vines that you have attached to her fade and fall off. While that happens you go out and do what makes you happy.

[rich46]

In no way shape or form should you be dating when you are still hung up on your ex.

 

There are no shortcuts here. You need a lot of time on your own to grow and recover, and only then will you be ready.

 

I tried dating six months post break up and felt as you do now. Comparing her to my ex, thinking of my ex during the date, felt terrible afterwards, etc etc. Taught me to take a few steps back as my recovery was far from complete.

[turnbaktime]

I was in a similar situation with my ex husband. He had cheated on me through our marriage and after awhile I just shut down on him and then I finally left him...that was 6 years ago and I didn't have any regrets about it. He on the other hand wants me back and says that he has changed so much and he has from what I can see from a distance. I don't hate him but I don't love him anymore. I had to change my number because he kept calling and crying and pleading how much he has changed and that I'm the woman for him but I told him to change for the next woman that he meets and be good to her. I have moved on hence which is the reason that I'm on this forum with a new ex but I blame my ex husband a little for under minding that because he kept stalking me and threatened my new ex. Anyway he won't let me move on and I dont like him for that reason. I say all that to say this you have to let your ex go. You had a chance to make it work and now it could be too late...depending on the severity of what happened in your relationship.Only reason I still have to deal with him is because we have a son together but trust me its very limited contact. No contact is your best friend right now.

[CaliSunrise]

I'm moving on and trying to get over her, but obviously in the back of my mind I'm hoping for her to come back. Should I unfriend her on fb, block her or just stay friends? If I have the self control to not look, would it be beneficial to stay fb friends with her?

[rich46]

I'm moving on and trying to get over her, but obviously in the back of my mind I'm hoping for her to come back. Should I unfriend her on fb, block her or just stay friends? If I have the self control to not look, would it be beneficial to stay fb friends with her?

Delete and block.

 

If you want to get over her, and have even the remotest chance of a reconcilliation somewhere down the line, then you must sever all ties and work on rebuilding your life alone.

 

Besides, you told her you were going to delete her from facebook. If you don't now act on your words, you will look weak and she will know that she still has an element of power over you. While that is the case, you have zero chance of rekindling, I'm afraid.

 

Show some strength. Delete her. It may even make you feel empowered for taking control.

[No1]

If you stay friends with her and she starts posting pictures with a new guy.. how would that make you feel? If it makes you feel anything other than happy for her, then unfriend her. You dont need to see that. And DONT snoop! Dont accidently look at her FB page when you are feeling low. Because you might see something that you dont want to see and youll cry. (I mean it!! Dont look)

So just unfriend her and once you are okay, then you can send her a friend request. You are doing this for your own good, not for hers.

[CaliSunrise]

I can't believe it's come to this. I still can't get over the fact that I took her for granted. If you put a billion dollars and her in front of me I would pick her. I'm so good some days and then these past few days I've been a mess. The fact that we might not ever be together again is messing with my mind. How could I not want her when I had her and now that I don't have her I want her more than life itself?

[Cynder]

I can't believe it's come to this. I still can't get over the fact that I took her for granted. If you put a billion dollars and her in front of me I would pick her. I'm so good some days and then these past few days I've been a mess. The fact that we might not ever be together again is messing with my mind. How could I not want her when I had her and now that I don't have her I want her more than life itself?

 

I definitely know your pain. If I had the choice of having my ex back or a billion dollars I would take him. But, it does get easier. Trust me.

 

I also agree with what No1 said about facebook. If you don't want to unfriend her you can unfollow her. And if you don't trust yourself to not look you can block the URL of her page from your computer (This is what I did, because I didn't trust myself to not look. I got really hardcore and removed the facebook app from my phone and then blocked his URL on my phone's browser too. I was really bad about checking his profile for anything new. And it doesn't even make any sense, because he doesn't use facebook that much. He is one of those people who posts a status update maybe every three months. But still... I have OCD. I couldn't stop, so I stopped myself. I feel so much better since. Do yourself a favor and stop looking.

[rich46]

However many obscure and elaborate techniques you employ to avoid deleting/blocking an ex on facebook, the fact remains that you are keeping a link to them (and your past) that will hinder your recovery.

 

And also, it frustrates me when people say they are in No Contact when they maintain this facebook link. That is contact, in my book. Maybe my definition is too strict, but I truly believe you have to sever all ties, and then perhaps, you can declare you are in no contact.

 

In my opinion, at least.

[Cynder]

However many obscure and elaborate techniques you employ to avoid deleting/blocking an ex on facebook, the fact remains that you are keeping a link to them (and your past) that will hinder your recovery.

 

Not that obscure really... I just used a web blocker add on.

 

It's all about what you are comfortable with I guess. I am not comfortable blocking/unfriending my ex right now. Maybe one day I will be. But one day I might also be comfortable following him again and looking at his page again. Who knows.

[CaliSunrise]

I know I have to. I'm messing myself up. She's keeping up all our pictures and all of them have a note saying how I'm the love of her life and how she's so greatful to have me etc. it's literally killing me I can't stop reading them and going through all our pictures. There's so many notes and so many good pictures it's hard to believe that she is just done forever with me.

[Liraele]

Yep, hon...you need to go NC and give yourself a shot at healing. Get her off of your social media and all of that, and do what you said you were going to do. You told her you were going to leave the door open - it's up to her to walk through it. Take the fact that she's not as a sign to get yourself together and focus on you.

[Labhrais85]

LoverOfLife2, Im in the same position right now; last few months with my ex I was nearly taking her for granted and wished I could just have time to myself, but now if I was given the choice between anything or having her back Id choose her! I'm very much in the same mind-set as you; disbelief, immense regret, days start great but turn bad, she wants no contact and is moving on, comparing girls I date to my ex and feeling rubbish after, etc.

 

As others have mentioned, Id suggest deleting her number and any links you have to her, especially Facebook. You say you keep looking at old photos she has up with captions saying she loves you, that's gonna hurt every time you look at them and you may look at them for comfort as they keep making you think that she still feels that way and she's on the cusp of wanting you back too, but it will only make your regress every time. In my experience with previous ex's, if you cut contact and focus on yourself you'll feel better which will make you more attractive to people (them and others), whereas if she knows you're hurting and pining for her she wont want anything to do with you. And its not necessarily a power thing, its more that she wont respect you and will find it very 'off-putting'/awkward/think that shes holding you back or whatever

 

Regards dating other people you say it hurts to go on dates, you compare the date to your ex and all of a sudden those rose tinted glasses make you miss her, I've been there the past couple of weeks!!! I would say its best to hold off until you feel you're over her, take this period as a time of reflection and learn from it, go to the gym more, hang with family/friends, take up a new hobby and just forgot your ex and accept the romantic link is likely over for good (which ironically IMO if you are interested in any chance of rekindling things is the best thing to do; forget about it and don't try to deliberately engineer circumstances that will result in a some sort of reunion, just work on yourself). That's what I'm telling myself, and its easier said than done of course, but you will get through things, every day will be a little bit better and your next relationship will be better and stronger as a result of learning from this