Don't compare current loves to being burned by an ex from the past.

[limichelle]

I see a trend on here that many people develop trust issues and put their walls up due to past painful experiences. It's true, you were burned before but that doesn't mean you will be burned again.

If you keep comparing your current love to an ex you will never get to see that the person you are with is different.

 

Everyone is different.

 

It's also not fair to the person you are currently with. Take a moment too separate your past from present.

 

We get into this funk because we are so mistrusting, little things they do become on our radar! When the little things mean nothing at all.

 

I'm not saying it won't happen again.

 

I'm just asking for you to put more faith into your current relationship.

 

Go in with a clean slate.

[Knot2loud]

Excellent post. I couldn't agree with you more. Back in my younger years I dated two ladies who were in previous bad relationships. I kept getting the comparison thing and I'm not even going to go into the insecurity, trust and jealousy issues they had. They were decent ladies, but there was no way I was going to get serious and make a life long commitment with either one of them.

 

Limichelle deserves about 100 thanks for that post.

[Doc Blaze]

easier said then done.

 

 

Its very hard in some situations, especially if you were really hurt for years.

 

 

It took me a while but I was able to get over my trust and insecurities.

 

 

But for a while I will admit that I was really bad.

[TMifune]

I get what you're saying here.....give your new relationship a chance to work out.

 

But on the other side of that same coin I'd have to say that when you get a new partner, and they come damaged from their previous relationships, have some understanding and some empathy for what they went through. Have some patience and attempt to build trust with them in a deliberate fashion. People are all damaged in some way or another. Nobody has a right to a relationship with some magical undamaged person. Good luck finding him / her anyway.

 

Sure, try not to let your past ruin your relationship. But try not to let your reaction to your partner's reaction to their past ruin your relationship either. You got to, got to, got to try a little tenderness.

[IAmFCA]

For me, trust is about trusting myself to make sound decisions. I may need to go slow because I need to check my own instincts - nothing to do with the other person.

[Tinydance]

"It's true, you were burned before but that doesn't mean you will be burned again." Well, I did get burnt many times, but that's OK, I'm fine with it I know it's just how relationships are and from that perspective you are definitely right. If we want to have romantic relationships, we definitely need to go into them without prejudices and baggage. Which is often very hard to do. Also getting hurt is just part of the process and part of experiencing life and learning.

[surfdiva]

I think this is a great post, and I really try to do this. However, I think my past relationships have taught me a lot (the good and the bad)! They've taught me to be a little more aware, to not give more than is given to me...emotionally and physically. Two people in my life hurt me so much that I thought would destroy me but didn't.

 

So each new relationship I go into I will give them the benefit of the doubt and start with a clean slate, but I have a past of abuse, lying and cheating and that's something that you can't easily forget. Even though not everyone is like that, I've realized the capacity of cheating and lying is real so I go in with my eyes a little more open than I used to.

[adviceplease2]

I'm going to say this as someone that was dumped within the last two months....by a woman I'd planned on asking to marry me....who basically changed on me in what felt like the span of a week....and is pregnant with my child.

 

I know right now that I think I'll never trust another woman again....whether my ex was just hormonal, tried and succeeded in trapping me, or whatever the reason....she has jaded me to a point where I don't feel like I could just give a woman the benefit of the doubt. My ex filled my head with how much she loved me, how she was so glad she met me, how I'd stolen her heart, how what she felt for me was so unexpected......then once she found out she was pregnant convinced herself of whatever and now contacts me to let me know about tests at the doctor...and yes I've been to both ultrasounds, first we were together, second we had broken up about 6 weeks prior.

 

I'm in a limbo state now and its taken its toll on me. I will never trust again. And I'd gone into this relationship knowing I could use what I'd learned from my past, and it was going so well.

 

While I think you make a great point....I think some people will be so jaded by an ex that they will never trust again. I went from being the happiest I've been in years, I'd found her, we'd stolen each others' hearts or so I believed, then wham, in a matter of weeks it all went to hell. I don't want to be a child support father, I want to be a father to this baby....this has burned me so bad I honestly don't think any woman can ever break the walls I've built up.

[thejigsup]

Your walls, like those of Jericho, will eventually tumble down. They always do. I have had good relationships and bad, I have been able to trust some men and others I couldn't trust as far as I could throw them. I have lost homes, jobs, self esteem, etc...but I always got all of these things back, ON MY OWN. My last relationship ended after 12 years when he died. It was a good one. I don't want to date ever again. Not because I don't trust, that plays no part in it, I just am too tired and too happy on my own to try another relationship. I like the idea of ending my relationship career on a high note. I love my life. I have my own business, true friends that I spend a lot of time with,a good son, and my family. Life is good right now so I don't want to risk losing ANY of it with a relationship. My advice for you, keep your walls up, but allow someone to try to tear them down, one brick at a time. Make them earn it.

[adviceplease2]

Walls may eventually come tumbling down one brick at a time, but at 39, custody of three kids, etc.....I've been shown that I'm basically not relationship material. I won't bring another woman into my kids lives. They'll have a half sister come this summer and while I'm excited, I'm dreading how my exgirlfriend is going to be.

 

What's funny/ironic....I had planned on asking her this summer to marry me...instead, I'll be hoping she lets me see the baby more than just court ordered bull. She's 37 next month, things were supposed to be different with her, but hey, new lesson for my life....I'm undateable, not relationship worthy...I get it now.

 

Anyway, I think my attitude hijacked the point of the original post on this thread so I sincerely apologize and will shutup.