Unacceptable baby mom actions

[Cidmercury]

My fiancés baby mom is crazy. We have the daughter jesse part time(jesse is now 7) And usually things are good... both mother and father have issues and a past but have for the most part changed their lives around... the mother a few years back was in an abusive relationship and jesse had been around the guy and witness some of the drama, the mom likes to drink and party occasionally but again... for the most part is responsible with jesse and a good mom.. she can be an idiot.. she drinks and drives, changes plans last minute, is late all the time.. she can be frustrating to deal with and will want to dump jesse with us on school nights or Sundays when we don't have her so she can go drinking/hang out with her bf.. (just some back story)

Anyways!! Monday my so(nick) gets a call from mom... she only just woke up at 430 in the afternoon... Sunday night janet (her cousin) came over with wine.. they drank, got more wine, drank that, drove to go get more wine/booze left jesse at home... they then had someone deliver blow... got wasted and high all night THEN went on plenty of fish and got some random girl to come over with more booze (the mom sleeps with woman as well even tho she has a bf) the whole time the mom is telling nick his she thinks it's funny and all fine. They passed out at 930 am... jesse was alone and had to fend for herself all day and night and heard god knows what going on and the only reason the mom woke up was because jesse woke her up because she was so hungry.... when nick snapped on the phone... the mom processed to scream and yell and swear at him and call him names... while he can hear jesse in the background... so she is saying all this awful stuff infront of the daughter...

I suggested we go pick up jesse and she stay the night... so between nasty phone calls and texts because the mom was still drunk and messed up... we hashed out a plan to go pick up jess... upon almost getting to her house... the mom calls and happy and cheery and passive aggressive and says nope! Your not picking her up we are fine your the only one mad we are watching movies and eating popcorn... so nick... enraged... bites his tongue and says ok well I will pick her up tomorrow.. and the mom says nope you can't have her tomorrow either we are having a mom daughter and gonna have fun all day.

 

This is insane! !! This is an awful person and my so is beyond mad and does not understand how the mother cannot see the terrible effect this has on a 7 year old girl who has already seen terrible abuse and drinking/drama and all that garbage with her mother already.... he sent her a message today knowing she was sober.. thay is trying to get the point across that this is damaging their daughter... he has put aside his anger with the mom and again attempting to get through to her that this is in no way normal or acceptable...

[Cidmercury]

Also please note I'm just looking to vent.. and get some advise obviously...

My so expects that jesse with eventually live with us full time but unfortunately he feels that courts always favor the mother so he feels he has to wait it out until jesse makes the decision herself .. however I went through similar drama when I was young and it ruined my relationship with my mother I also rebelled and got into alot of trouble before I made my own decision to live with my father. . So I know this can turn out unfortunate

[DoF]

So your fiance was involved in a relationship with a crazy person. Think about that for a bit. What does that tell you about the guy you are about to marry?

 

Then you add the fact that you guys seem to be not just hanging around this crazy person but even doing HEAVY street drugs like coke with them?

 

Why are EITHER of you engaging with this person at all? And you think you can fix or help them too? You cannot help people that are unable to help themselves!

 

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

 

Your fiances ONLY communication/relationship with his ex should be "child only". Anything relating to a child. My first step would be to gain some evidence/collect it and get custody of that poor child........and get her away from this crazy person.

[ThatwasThen]

This is insane! !! This is an awful person and my so is beyond mad and does not understand how the mother cannot see the terrible effect this has on a 7 year old girl who has already seen terrible abuse and drinking/drama and all that garbage with her mother

Instead of just getting "mad" when he outright knows that his daughter is being abused emotionally and neglected and subjected to a mother who does "blow," why doesn't he take this to court and get full custody?

[HeartGoesOn]

This is an awful person and my so is beyond mad and does not understand how the mother cannot see the terrible effect this has on a 7 year old girl who has already seen terrible abuse and drinking/drama and all that garbage with her mother already.... he sent her a message today knowing she was sober.. thay is trying to get the point across that this is damaging their daughter... he has put aside his anger with the mom and again attempting to get through to her that this is in no way normal or acceptable...

 

If he's a witness to all of this "terrible abuse," instead of trying to "get the point across to the child's mother, he should be doing his role as a father and fight for the well being of his own child. While he's putting his anger aside, and attempting to resolve this on his own, the clock is ticking away while his child continues to live in this environment.

 

By not reporting this, he's being just as irresponsible as she is.

 

ETA: I just read your previous threads, and I'm not sure why you want to be involved in this mess.

[DoF]

 

ETA: I just read your previous threads, and I'm not sure why you want to be involved in this mess.

 

Agreed

 

I suggest OP looks in the mirror and reconsiders HERSELF or the future with this guy.

[True Story]

So he is taking drugs with his child's mother?

This is not very nice to say, but if he was a decent person, he would have taken action already, or contacted a lawyer regarding evidence against her. But if he is doing drugs with her, knowing what a horrible situation his daughter is in, maybe he is, deep down, almost as bad as her and couldn't handle full custody of her.

 

As for you... Him doing drugs, doing it with ex, choosing that type of woman as a partner... Seriously re-think your relationship this guy because I can see it turning so badly in the future.

[Seraphim]

Sounds like a call to children's protective services is in order.

[boltnrun]

So for clarification, he has two kids with two different women? And one of the kids was the result of him cheating on you?

[Cidmercury]

So he is taking drugs with his child's mother?

This is not very nice to say, but if he was a decent person, he would have taken action already, or contacted a lawyer regarding evidence against her. But if he is doing drugs with her, knowing what a horrible situation his daughter is in, maybe he is, deep down, almost as bad as her and couldn't handle full custody of her.

 

As for you... Him doing drugs, doing it with ex, choosing that type of woman as a partner... Seriously re-think your relationship this guy because I can see it turning so badly in the future.

 

Sorry I'm not sure where I made that impression but just to clear it up nick does not do drugs with the mother... they don't hano out

[Cidmercury]

Sounds like a call to children's protective services is in order.

 

He wants to go to court he wants his daughter full time but he feels like with no solid evidence of anything and the fact that for months at a time she is for the most part a responsible person... court would rule I'm her favour and we would stay as part time custody

[Cidmercury]

To everybody commenting about my previous posts... I'd really appreciate it if the topic stayed regarding the issue between mother and father of the child and what some suggestions may be as to go about full custody if anyone has been in a situation like this..

I get my previous posts.. thanks for your advice but mine and his relationship is not the issue anymore.

[abitbroken]

To everybody commenting about my previous posts... I'd really appreciate it if the topic stayed regarding the issue between mother and father of the child and what some suggestions may be as to go about full custody if anyone has been in a situation like this..

I get my previous posts.. thanks for your advice but mine and his relationship is not the issue anymore.

 

Then you need to let the issue be between mother and father. You are not the child's step mom - so you have zero rights here. If he wants to take her to court, then its up to him about being all talk and no action, or being action. Let him figure out with a lawyer if he has a chance or not at it. Don't push him in any direction for or against. Have your relationship and decide if you want to be involved in this level of drama for a relationship in your own life. If you try to manipulate or sway any outcomes about this - it could backfire on you. If he uses you as a sounding board - tell him he needs to decide for himself and make his own mind - you are not going to intervene. And feel free to change the subject on him if he is going on about it. He has to grow up and take responsibility on his own.

 

Also, you don't have any respect for the mother by calling her your SO's "Baby Momma". She is not breeding stock. She is Jesse's mother. And for whatever reason, he chose to be with her at one time.

 

Honestly, if he has different kids with different women he was never married to and they are all "baby momma's" is this man an overgrown boy vs a man? And do you really want this?

[Cidmercury]

Then you need to let the issue be between mother and father. You are not the child's step mom - so you have zero rights here. If he wants to take her to court, then its up to him about being all talk and no action, or being action. Let him figure out with a lawyer if he has a chance or not at it. Don't push him in any direction for or against. Have your relationship and decide if you want to be involved in this level of drama for a relationship in your own life. If you try to manipulate or sway any outcomes about this - it could backfire on you. If he uses you as a sounding board - tell him he needs to decide for himself and make his own mind - you are not going to intervene. And feel free to change the subject on him if he is going on about it. He has to grow up and take responsibility on his own.

 

Thank you I appreciate your input. And I agree with you, it is not my place to get in between I just hoped by posting here I would be able to relay some advice back to him.. I just wanted to help.. not necessarily push him to make a specific choice.. "step mom" or not, I have been in the child's life for years, I take care of her, am responsible for her, I treat her as if she is mine child when she is with me, I want advocate for her, her mother father and herself refer to me as step mom... I'm not sure what difference it makes... I want to see her grow up happy and healthy and stable as much as her father does..

 

You're right,I don't respect her but I know posting here is just tiny fragments of the things that actually go on and what has and hasn't happened. And of course i dont post about the good that has happened and all the positive things so I understand by reading my previews posts it all appears to be awful and toxic.

She is a good mother and she does alot for jesse. I should have phrased some things differently because I did not mean to come off as degrading her.. and yes for whatever reason at some point he chose to be with her... just like I chose and continue to chose to be with him given the past and all our mistakes and poor choices.

[HeartGoesOn]

He needs legal advice which has to come from his attorney, and as another poster stated this is between him and his ex. I have to ask, what are the visitation arrangements?

[Cidmercury]

He needs legal advice which has to come from his attorney, and as another poster stated this is between him and his ex. I have to ask, what are the visitation arrangements?

 

We have jess every other thrusday to Sunday and the opposite weeks we usually have her once or twice for dinner or trips to the pool etc

[abitbroken]

We have jess every other thrusday to Sunday and the opposite weeks we usually have her once or twice for dinner or trips to the pool etc

 

No - there is no "WE" = WE don't have Jess... HE has Jess.

 

I would also for your sake stop playing stepmom to be. When its his night with Jess on the opposite week - make your own plans to be at your own place or if you live together - plan something with friends or family, etc, and give them dad/daughter time with you not present. And when its his weekend - plan major things together on the weekends that she is not with him and just meet them for dinner or lunch or something on the weekends he has her. The only suggestion I would make is that is maybe he should offer to Jess' mother that if she wants to go out with her girlfriends one night when she has Jess, that he offers to babysit - by coming over and spending time with Jess at Jess' home (if she lives with mom all except every other weekend, it is her home) for a few hours, etc. That way the two of you are not harping or whinging about what the mom does. The more you dial it back a notch and become the girlfriend again - the more he has to handle it on his own instead of falling back on the idea that the women in his life are just going to settle all his problems for him. You will also see your relationship in a different light instead of feeling that you need to be there to fight for Jess - you will be able to evaluate if its a good one for you and its what you want - because Jess will have her dad who makes decisions and doesn't just make idle threats that he will try for full custody and might cooperate with Jess' mom better because he is not trying to show off to you by trash talking her