Broke no contact for a closure. It went downhill

[datestar]

After five months of relationship where I felt like I was the only one who interested in the relationship, there was a nasty breakup; he lied about his whereabouts, I confronted it, and in a heated moment my ex-bf dumped me.

 

Two months of NC later, I felt like I was emotionally ready to make an apology on my part and move on. (I know, not the smartest move since I was the one who was dumped.) Since I deleted his number, I messaged him on a messenger to tell him that I apologize for some angry things I said during the break up. Then he apologized for his behavior but added that something big happened that day and he could not talk anymore. He told me to message him couple days later if I would still like to talk.

 

Two days later, I messaged asking him if everything was okay. There were some things I wanted to say, but he didn't reply back all day. I could've waited more days, but I learned that it was best not to drag this on or have a long talk because having a longer conversation may lead to me getting emotional and saying other stuff that I probably shouldn't. So in my message, I told him that I didn't see any point in waiting and that talking back and forth doesn't sound like a good idea. I told him that I just wanted to apologize for what I said because the breakup was pretty bad, learned a lot during the short relationship, and am not going to blame him. I wished him good luck on whatever happened that day... I tried my best to keep my emotion out of the message.

 

30 minutes later, he replies, "my brother died and I was planning his funeral for the past couple days." Then he added "Have a good life though."

I felt horrible and my heart sank. I never met his brother, and I had no idea he passed, but this made me feel like I did something wrong. I thought it'd be best to keep this closure talk short so I can go back to healing. I said "I am very sorry for your loss..." but I had no idea what else to say. He was mean to me throughout the relationship and during the breakup as well, but I can't help feeling guilty how I sounded impatient while he was dealing with his brother's death. He seemed pissed, giving me a HAGL. My friend pointed out it's not like I knew it beforehand so I shouldn't feel guilty.

 

Should I say anything further? Or move on and let him grieve his loss on his own? I know I might see some kick-in-the-butt, get-your-things-together comments. I still feel really heartbroken for his loss and about how I just threw my last words in. Maybe I still care a lot about him...

[HeartGoesOn]

It's unfortunate he lost his brother, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse to contact him any further. You've already expressed your condolences, and not to sound harsh, but a "closure talk" is simply an excuse to contact him.

 

In short, you're better off setting your standards higher, and finding your self-worth from within.

[boltnrun]

Whether it's your intention or not, he will view further contact from you as using his brother's death to attempt to get close to him again.

 

Again, I'm not saying that is your intent...just that it could be perceived that way.

 

You've apologized. Apologizing again and again will just make it seem like you refuse to accept the breakup and you're trying to worm your way back into his life.

 

So, I recommend no more apologies (I think that's even a song). Time to stop thinking about him and instead focus on building a great life for you. A life that doesn't include looking in the rear view mirror.

[datestar]

It's unfortunate he lost his brother, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse to contact him any further. You've already expressed your condolences, and not to sound harsh, but a "closure talk" is simply an excuse to contact him.

 

In short, you're better off setting your standards higher, and finding your self-worth from within.

 

Thanks, you're right. I might be using it as an excuse unconsciously... And I won't settle for anything lower.

Also, I feel your quote.. I have been rationalizing his lies just so I could forgive him... when forgiveness is actually more of getting rid of anger.

[datestar]

Whether it's your intention or not, he will view further contact from you as using his brother's death to attempt to get close to him again.

 

Again, I'm not saying that is your intent...just that it could be perceived that way.

 

You've apologized. Apologizing again and again will just make it seem like you refuse to accept the breakup and you're trying to worm your way back into his life.

 

So, I recommend no more apologies (I think that's even a song). Time to stop thinking about him and instead focus on building a great life for you. A life that doesn't include looking in the rear view mirror.

 

You are right.. Looking in the past has been setting me back... One apology made me feel a little less stressed about "I should've said this to him." Kinda wish I hadn't found out about his situation, but again, one apology and one condolence is enough. Thank you

[datestar]

After five months of relationship where I felt like I was the only one who interested in the relationship, there was a nasty breakup; he lied about his whereabouts, I confronted it, and in a heated moment my ex-bf dumped me.

 

Two months of NC later, I felt like I was emotionally ready to make an apology on my part and move on. (I know, not the smartest move since I was the one who was dumped.) Since I deleted his number, I messaged him on a messenger to tell him that I apologize for some angry things I said during the break up. Then he apologized for his behavior but added that something big happened that day and he could not talk anymore. He told me to message him couple days later if I would still like to talk.

 

Two days later, I messaged asking him if everything was okay. There were some things I wanted to say, but he didn't reply back all day. I could've waited more days, but I learned that it was best not to drag this on or have a long talk because having a longer conversation may lead to me getting emotional and saying other stuff that I probably shouldn't. So in my message, I told him that I didn't see any point in waiting and that talking back and forth doesn't sound like a good idea. I told him that I just wanted to apologize for what I said because the breakup was pretty bad, learned a lot during the short relationship, and am not going to blame him. I wished him good luck on whatever happened that day... I tried my best to keep my emotion out of the message.

 

30 minutes later, he replies, "my brother died and I was planning his funeral for the past couple days." Then he added "Have a good life though."

I felt horrible and my heart sank. I never met his brother, and I had no idea he passed, but this made me feel like I did something wrong. I thought it'd be best to keep this closure talk short so I can go back to healing. I said "I am very sorry for your loss..." but I had no idea what else to say. He was mean to me throughout the relationship and during the breakup as well, but I can't help feeling guilty how I sounded impatient while he was dealing with his brother's death. He seemed pissed, giving me a HAGL. My friend pointed out it's not like I knew it beforehand so I shouldn't feel guilty.

 

Should I say anything further? Or move on and let him grieve his loss on his own? I know I might see some kick-in-the-butt, get-your-things-together comments. I still feel really heartbroken for his loss and about how I just threw my last words in. Maybe I still care a lot about him...

 

I was about to delete the messenger to find his thanks and apology for the situation. I deleted him with a light smile and feeling free to move on. I guess sometimes a closure does exist. Thanks everyone!

[Sazkaz]

You sound like a lovely person so don't feel bad about no knowing about his brother.

 

That aside, you will find someone as equally lovely as yourself who is caring and won't be mean.