Please Help me

[pleasehelpme123]

Hi,

 

My husband has left for a meeting to texas. We are not in good terms due to our family problems. We do stay together thou. He loves basketball and had said couple of times that he would take to watch it once. today over fone, he said he might go to watch it, if he gets any tickets. I was surprised because he never does anything like this without me. I am bit paraniod he has no one there and hes not a person to go alone and watch a game. so was thinking if he might be trying some new company? So went to all personal websites and searched if theres any posting from a male asking for a female company for a game in that city. Unfortunately I found one in the same city, posted today. My heart says it might be him... and I dont think its just a coincidence...

 

Now please explain me if I am just paraniod or hes cheating on me

 

Please guide me.... I am very new to this.

[Mun]

Hello there and welcome to eNotalone!

 

I don't think it would be wise to jump to any conclusions. Why are you feeling so insecure? Has he cheated in the past?

[pleasehelpme123]

Thanks

 

He never had gone after another women when we were in good terms. Now since we arent the in the same page, he did some like this in the past.. Like looking over adultfinder and other dating sites. By God's grace somehow I found them (it happened, I tried to enter something with "a" in his laptop IE browser and this site-adultfinder came up thats how I found abt that site and then pretty much started to do my own investigation to look for his profile in other sites.) but he swear that he was just looking thru them and never really did anything in real.

 

So I am really insecure when it comes to this. Thats the reason I did a search on this city hes in meeting too and found out that he had posted for some company for a game tomorrow.. and my inner guts say it must be him..

[peanut15]

From my own personal experience, I know how you feel and unfortunately, the answer wasn't good for me. Is there any other reason you feel paranoid besides the fact that you are having some serious marital problems. Not all couples that have problems will have a spouse that strays. Now, if it were me, I'd confront him about it but then again, I wouldn't recommend it because either way, he'll still do it regardless if he knows it would hurt you tremendously.

[Mun]

I want to ask what happened that got you on bad terms and do you think you can resolve that? If he is "looking" then he is doing so because of what is happening in your relationship. I'm not saying that's right, but have you guys tried to make up at all?

[pleasehelpme123]

Its not the bad terms with us actually. Its their family that wont approve me and yet we married and now he feels that he had let down his family. so we fight because of that. We thought we need to resolve our mind before involving ourself physically again, which we both are ok with. this period I am taking as something to clear my mind and need to work on our marriage, but being with someone else either for a company or as an affair, that I couldnt digest at all.

[Mun]

Well I don't blame you, I wouldn't put up with infidelity either.

 

It sounds to me like your husband needs to grow up and stand up to his family about this marriage. I can see why you would be upset, you feel that he is putting you second to them. I think this is going to sound like lame advice, but have you ever tried seeing it from his side? Does his family make him feel like he betrayed them? I ask this because if they laid the guilt trip on him then he is stuck between a rock and a hard place... and I think you have the power to change that if you remember to be his ally and not his enemy. Let him know you're on his side.

 

I know it will be hard not to think about that possible online add and possible infidelity, but try to calm yourself until he gets back. Maybe he won't have done anything--I hope not--and you can then work on re-building your relationship again.

[peanut15]

I don't blame you for worrying because I would too. If you found those websites, then maybe your gut feeling is correct. I dont' know what else to say to you as there is really nothing you can do to stop him. Even if he were at home where you could keep an eye on him, or if here were away on business, he will still do what he has set in his mind.

 

People say "you marry the person and not the family" and generally, I would agree to that however in many cases it really does matter if the family accepts you. In law problems does create a rift in the marriage and unfortunately many times it does kill the marriage. Have you tried marriage counseling or anything? You should confront him about this and what you found and then make a decision about your marriage on the direction you want to take it. To me, you shouldn't have to go through all this...first his family doesn't accept you and makes you feel it and then second, he betrays you and pretty much abandons you emotionally and physically.

[DN]

It sounds to me like your husband needs to grow up and stand up to his family about this marriage. I can see why you would be upset, you feel that he is putting you second to them. I think this is going to sound like lame advice, but have you ever tried seeing it from his side? Does his family make him feel like he betrayed them? I ask this because if they laid the guilt trip on him then he is stuck between a rock and a hard place... and I think you have the power to change that if you remember to be his ally and not his enemy. Let him know you're on his side.

 

I agree with most of this advice except I would refrain from telling him to grow up. Just because our partners are not doing what we want does not mean we have to patronise them and assume that we are more mature than they are. "You are so immature" or "grow up" are very demeaning and aggressive things to say to anyone whether overt or implied so be careful with your attitude when you bring this up.

[Mun]

DN I didn't recommend she tell him to grow up...that was just my opinion.

 

What I advised her to do was the second part about have an "us" against them approach when dealing with his family.

[pleasehelpme123]

Thanks a lot everyone...

 

Please advice him if I should confront him about this???

[annie24]

hmmm.... this may be controversial, but have you considered making up a fake screen name and answering his ad about the game? But... like you said, if you find out it is him, then what? Maybe he just wants company to the game, maybe he's looking for more.

 

I think you should really talk to your husband about your relationship. You said that you're not physically intimate with him right now - that may not be a good idea. You may want to continue having sex, but continue working out the problems in your relationship in other ways.

 

I don't know if you should confront him about the ad, but for sure, I would talk to him about your marriage when he gets back. Good luck.

[marijo2480]

Hmmm....I kind of disagree. I don't think you should put up a screen name to answer to his ad. I think what you need to do is come clean, tell him that you've been snooping, explain that you've lost trust in him for whatever reason and explain that you found this ad and that you think it might be him. Expect a loooong discussion/argument about it but think things through beforehand. Expect for him to say that it's not him, etc. but if it truly isn't him, call him while you know he's there and see if he answers or how long it takes him to return the call. I highly doubt that his conscience will allow him to stray if you and he have a long discussion about this beforehand. Definitely talk about your marital problems face to face when he returns though. I think communicatio is important here and you should never have to feel like you can't be completely open and honest with your spouse. Sometimes arguments can't be avoided and sometimes they're necessary. In this case, it's all of the above! Good luck and keep us posted!

[pleasehelpme123]

Thanks a lot everyone.

 

Both side seems to be important, i mean fake ID or talking to him straight.

 

Ok for Fake ID because - I dont want him to get hurt. What if its not him and I had him think that I dont trust him anymore. May be I was paraniod

 

Talking up first - He might promise that its not him. Praise Lord if its not him. but if he is, he would have gone for the game with some company or he might close the chapter feeling scared or guilty that I knew.. But either way he had cheated me right. so isnt it best to do that fake thing.

 

Please let me know your thoughts people..

 

Thanks for all your support, I really needed someone to lean on, I am not lonely anymore... you guys are great !!

[marijo2480]

This is just my opinion but I don't think so. I think you're just playing games. Leave that for people in high school. You're married and should have a mature relationship. You should be able to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Expect, as I said, for him to be angry that you snooped but you snooped because you don't trust him. Not that it was right of you either but if you're feeling that he might cheat on you tonight or whenever the game is, you frankly don't have time for this. So what if someone already gave him a response? Do you really think that he's going to respond to you? No! Then you're left still wondering if it was him or not. Confront him. Be honest. Let him know what you saw online and talk to him about this.

[pleasehelpme123]

This is just my opinion but I don't think so. I think you're just playing games. Leave that for people in high school. You're married and should have a mature relationship. You should be able to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Expect, as I said, for him to be angry that you snooped but you snooped because you don't trust him. Not that it was right of you either but if you're feeling that he might cheat on you tonight or whenever the game is, you frankly don't have time for this. So what if someone already gave him a response? Do you really think that he's going to respond to you? No! Then you're left still wondering if it was him or not. Confront him. Be honest. Let him know what you saw online and talk to him about this.

 

now u scared the hell out of me....

[marijo2480]

I'm sorry! I don't mean to "scare the hell out of you" but just want you to do the right thing. Seriously, you have to think about all of the possibilities. That's all I'm trying to get you to realize. For various reasons, including the one that scared the hell out of you, I think you should just not bother with the whole fake user id thing and should just come clean and confront him. I wish you well and hope this was just paranoia from your part.

[pleasehelpme123]

I know marijo2480 its just I am scared.. as you said, hope its just me getting paraniod and hes not doign anything...

[Mun]

I know you said you both agreed not to have sex until you sorted things out, but I wonder if that is going to work against you. I would think that you not connecting with him in that way is going to make him think you reject him-or you don't want him. Sex is very important. Sometimes it's the only thing that holds a couple together through rough spots--sometimes...

 

Usually I think, if there is some suspicion then something must be going on.... but I would hate for you to attack him and him be innocent... and in turn drive a deeper wedge between you.

 

Wait until he comes back and check what your instincts tell you. Often times women KNOW when a man is cheating, yet they ignore the signs. You seem really obstinate about this... maybe you already know the truth.

[pleasehelpme123]

muneca,

 

Initially I thought about that, not to say until he turns back. but I am scared what if its really him and had gone out with another woman even if its just company. We know men, they just keep doing each level one by one, today it may be just company and then tomorrow one night stand and then even before we know, he might be in another affair right.. So thats the reason I want to stop even this company thingy. What do you say, am I thinking in the right sense?

[Mun]

Well honey, I think the best way to stop this from happening is to start being his wife/partner/best friend again. Of course we can't control what other people do, but we can always help ourselves . This might be a stupid question but, do you know if he Loves you? Has he told you and do you feel it? If yes then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by working on the relationship with him. Trust him until you have proof.

[pleasehelpme123]

Well honey, I think the best way to stop this from happening is to start being his wife/partner/best friend again. Of course we can't control what other people do, but we can always help ourselves . This might be a stupid question but, do you know if he Loves you? Has he told you and do you feel it? If yes then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by working on the relationship with him. Trust him until you have proof.

 

He used to say so.. not lately thou

[Mun]

Ok, well I still stand by my advice. Be his partner again. Discuss the situation with him without accusation and suggest working on the relationship together.

[pleasehelpme123]

Thanks muneca,

 

I spoke to him asking if it was he who posted the ad in the personals.

He said after a few words yes. I asked why.

The answer he said was.

 

I know you dont trust me, So I know you would do this search, so only for that I had posted. I am not going to with any woman but my colleague hows a guy.

I asked how come he got the tickets. He said he had seen the tickets availablity last weekend itself and thus had asked someone and have confirmed it. I asked back, if you know you are planning to go to the game, cant you have atleast the courtest of telling me.

He said, I didnt confirm anything, so didnt tell you. but was planning to tell you before the game as you will be asking me where I am then...

He says I cant keep telling you about my plans. If you trust then be with me, else its not in my hands anymore

 

I am so upset and let down. Is this how marriage always be. wont people be true and say what they are doing? Atleast he was so before marriage...

 

How should I move on now?

[Iceman26]

Here is what I think. The Toyota Center's (Where the Houston Rockets play) has a maximum stadium capacity of 18,300. The chances that your husband is meeting up with someone I think are very slight. You have a 1 in 18,300 chance its him........also, did the ad say that the date would be for the same day he is going to the game? Did you consider the possibility that he may be going to the game with one of his coworkers from the meeting? Do you think he would chance an affair possibly being televised?

 

I think someone else said you should try calling him during the game...I might go down that road....tell him you love him and miss him and see what he says back to that, and hopefully that will help allay some of your fears......if hes out with someone else I seriously doubt he would respond back.

 

I think you should tell him what is on your mind and how you are feeling if you want to achieve some measure of health, happiness and prosperity in your relationship. If you arent open and honest, then why you should you expect openness and honesty with him?