Boyfriend feels like a stranger...

[filmraven]

Lastnight I got really upset and I need advice, comfort and suggestions regarding my situation.

 

First some background...my bf broke his leg about four weeks ago. He's very athletic and usually is always moving and full of energy. He had surgery about three weeks ago and ever since has been stuck at home most of the time bored out of his mind with not much to do. At first I started to realize he was cranky more often and not very cheerful like he usually is. It's lately and especially yesterday that are really starting to concern and hurt me.

 

I went to his place yesterday evening and he wasn't overly affectionate. Didn't think too much of it but by that night everything just went downhill. He didn't want me near him (he's not in pain anymore but depressed) at night, told me he doesn't feel like having sex anymore, doesn't want me close to him, and was all around totally aloof with me. I asked him why he never tells me he loves me anymore and he said, "Why should I say it if I don't feel it." That was the most HURTFUL thing that came out by that point and I unfortunately began to cry.

 

I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm not even dating him. He has no desire to call me anymore, and said he doesn't even really care if I come over not. I feel SO rejected all the while he tells me that I'm making too big a deal over this, that it's because he's focused on his leg and that I'm not his number one priority right now-his injury is. I could understand if it was because he's in a lot of pain but he isn't-just depressed from having no motivation after being stuck at home for the last month.

 

If someone could please tell me what to do with this situation and how I can best handle it PLEASE let me know-my heart feel so heavy right now.

[annie24]

Oh goodness - this doesn't sound like a fun situation at all. I broke my ankle last year, so I know how depressing it is to have a broken limb in the winter. It's so hard to get around on crutches, everything is a production, showering takes so much effort. I was really depressed and frustrated. I couldn't just go out whenever I felt like it. And afterwards, I had to go through 3 months of physical therapy. It's a really bad time.

 

But, at the same time, I don't like the way he's treating you. I understand that he's angry at his situation, but pushing you away is really mean. I bet that you're really trying to help him out, like by doing stuff around the house, and running errands for him. But he sounds like he's acting so ungratefully!!! He doesn't sound like he's that crazy about you anymore.

 

So, I don't know.... you may try "distancing" yourself from him. That's really not good that he's telling you he doesn't love you anymore. Maybe you should tell him ok, and just leave him to take of his stupid leg by himself. So, yeah, that's my advice - distance yourself from him, suggest you two "take a break" for a while, and see what happens. Good luck

[OceanEyes]

Aside from the extremely hurtful comments, I know what it feels like to go from being very active/ athletic to having almost no physical activity. You begin to feel isolated, useless, lazy, and depressed. It really can be awful, and it can certainly cause one to push loved ones away.

 

Hopefully this is just some type of "phase" that he's going through, and will realize what a jerk he's being and make it up to you. What he's said is truly awful, considering all you probably want to do is make him happy and BE THERE for him through the hard times. The sad truth to this, is that this situation may be somewhat of an indication of how he will handle crisis in the future. If this is totally out-of-character for him, then perhaps not. But I would still be careful.

 

I've been going through something similar as your boyfriend. Except with my situation, I'm not hurt and can still take care of myself, but am still "stuck" and feel somewhat isolated (living in a strange city for school, barely know anyone here, etc.). Feeling helpless and isolated can be extremely frustrating, and can certainly have a large affect on my moods, sex-drive, and even how I treat my boyfriend sometimes.

 

The "light" at the end of the tunnel, is that he is probably experiencing feelings of complete helplessness, and doesn't know how to deal with it. In turn, he takes his anger out on the one he loves the most (you), because he knows that you love him too, and will take it.

 

I'd say that if you give him a couple of days (maybe not even that long) to think about what he's said, that he will probably end up feeling like crap and apologizing. In all honesty, he probably doesn't mean what he's saying, try not to take it to heart. However, if he has a history of mean and unnecessarily rude comments like this, you may want to ask yourself why you keep taking it.

[shes2smart]

Is he taking any pain meds? That may be part of your problem.

 

When I broke my elbow and had to have surgery, I made the mistake of taking the pain meds for 6 weeks. I was a complete wreck -- depressed, cranky, whiny, etc. on top of being physically uncomfortable. Every subsequent time I've had to have surgery (3 times) I got myself off the pain meds in a week or less and was in a much better frame of mind.

 

If he's not normally like this, you might want to investigate what he's been taking. Docs are usually overly liberal in prescribing pain meds after broken bones/surgery. They don't really tell you that using narcotic pain meds for more than a week can cause changes in one's personality. And also cause discomfort when stopping them after taking them for several weeks.

[IrishClover]

I would say that it's the fact that he's depressed about having to stay home when you claim he's very athletic and usually full of energy. But on the other hand, for him to say, "Why should I say it if I don't feel it," in regards to if he loves you or not, that's just really rude. As hard as it is, I wouldn't even attempt to talk to him for a little bit. If he is on some type of medication, it would explain the crankiness, but i think his comments to you were just really rude. If you baby him when he's acting like this, he's less likely to appreciate you as his girlfriend, i agree with annie, just distance yourself from him.

[filmraven]

well, he broke up with me lastnight and I am absolutely beside myself at the moment. I feel SO hurt and mostly because of what he said and the reasons behind it. He told me that I was a hassle and that he thinks I'm too "artsy" for his taste along with my style of dress (which seriously, consists of usually always jeans and a t-shirt but he doesn't like the way I cuff my jeans!). He said that he thought we were too different because we don't share the same sense of humour (not of importance to me), that he's sporty and he wants somebody sporty around who's not into ballet. Basically we're too different to be together according to him even though we can spend hours talking together and share the same values and morals. I just feel SICK and I don't know how to cope with this. Please if someone has suggestions on how I can deal with this please let me know. I just want to cry.

[annie24]

Wow... "too artsy." Don't you just love it when you hear some lame excuse? He sounds lame. What a jerk. He doesn't sound right for you anyways.

 

How to cope? For a few days, you are allowed to sit in bed and cry. After that, you MUST, I repeat, MUST haul your carcass out of bed, into the shower, and out the door. Go out with your girlfriends, watch movies, go to the gym, get a puppy, join a club, just get out there. Don't waste too much of your valuable heart and mind on this loser. You sound like such a nice girl, trying to take care of him when he's broken, and he's just so ungrateful. I bet that there are a million guys out there who would worship you for taking such good care of them while sick.

 

It will be ok. You'll move on to bigger and better things. He just has his one working leg. I hope you feel better soon!

[IrishClover]

Filmraven -- I went through a guy similar to this twice (same guy), and i know this is a saying you must hear over and over again, but "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"....i unfortunately took the idiot back so that was my fault. Although it may not feel like it now, just be relieved that this jerk had ended the relationship. You do not deserve such treatment from someone that you care about. Someone is bound to come along who will just knock your socks off. It always comes when you're not looking (a great guy that is) so in the meantime, i agree with annie...give yourself a couple of days, but then make yourself busy and definitely do NOT take any of his phone calls. He'll look back one of these days and realize he messed up...you can't let him have you back. It'll be okay Filmraven.

[filmraven]

thanks so much for the comments guys-greatly appreciated here. I'm in a state of denial at the moment but have been finding this inner calm on and off during my day and I have no idea where it's coming from. I thankfully have some REALLY supporting friends who have been really helpful and trying my best to cope. The more I talk about it the more I discover so many things wrong with this guy and it just makes me realize that it's for the best even though my heart is aching so much right now.

 

I truly know that I deserve waaay better than this and that I have so much to offer and need someone who will appreciate it fully in order for things to work.

 

So thanks for the comfort, I'm glad I have a place to come to for support.

[filmraven]

I have one more question guys...

 

I have some things of mine still left at his place and I really don't want to go pick them up. First and foremost because I don't want to see him but also because I think it would be too painful to go to his place, see his parents (who really liked me...), etc. The other reason is that he doesn't live close to me-I live in the city and he lives out in the country so it's about a forty minute drive from my place to his. The long trip would be waay too emotional for me yet I really want my things back including my Love Actually dvd that I know would cheer me up.

 

What do I do?

[cooldude1234]

You should get a friend or a relative to go out there are do it. It's your stuff, so you're still entitled to it.

[annie24]

Me personally - I don't even like having to deal with them again. I'd rather go out and buy new DVDs than to talk to the ex. If it's such a long drive, and it's so emotional for you, maybe buying new stuff is worth it.

 

Or, you can do like CoolDude says and just have a friend pick it up....

 

good luck! Cheer up! We're behind you!

[IrishClover]

Once again, I agree with Annie -- consider it gone...just go out and re-buy the things you really can't live without...it'll be hard for awhile to do the same things alone that you did with the bf or go places...especially near his area without feeling some emotional pain, so the best way to get over it, is to just leave it all in the past. Even if you have the relative or friend pick up the stuff, i bet you'd still wonder and ask them if "he" said anything and may lead to misinterpretation of his behavior...i say just leave it.

[filmraven]

I would definitely prefer to leave it all behind and usually would but...I have a really expensive pair of skates at his place that I want back mostly because I almost never used them and I paied a lot for them. As for the dvd that I referred to, I definitely could do without and would gladly go out eventually and buy a new one.

 

Thanks for the advice, I'll consider it and think about what everyone has said. I think relative idea might not be a bad idea and I wonder if my brother or sister couldn't go get it for me...

[Luciana]

Hi FilmRaven: it might seem like the end of the world right now but think about it: isn't it better to have the pain of surgery once and have some part of your body fixed than to keep a damaged organ giving you trouble forever? What I am saying is that this guy would potentially make you suffer more and more until your self esteem reached rock bottom.

 

Lift your chin high, say to yourself: "I am beautiful, I am a good person, I deserve a great guy" and know the pain WILL eventually go away.

 

If you don't have problems with medication, some people have found that taking anti-depressants or a calming drug like Xanax after a break up really helps, for a month or two.

 

And remember the No Contact rule this forum defends: do not contact him in moments of weakness under ANY circumstance.

We are rooting for you!

[filmraven]

thanks for the kind words Luciana.

 

This past week and a couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster but I'm making it through. I totally understand what you say by staying with this guy and making him make me feel worse and worse.

 

I was thinking about it this morning and thought of things he'd say to me that made me more insecure and less reassured about myself. And in that very moment when those situations arised all I could think was, "My boyfriend isn't suppose to make me feel insecure!! He's suppose to encourage me..." More and more things are starting to creep back into my mind that make me realize this guy is anything but gold.

 

I guess I'm just having the hardest time understanding how a guy who was so madly inlove with me in the beginning, who said it would absolutely kill him if I ever left him (I kid you not...) would suddenly want nothing to do with me. That's what stings most.

[sparkey]

Was he a bit controlling of what you did or where you went ?

 

 

Reason I ask is he sounds like He likes to be looked at as this strong tough "can-do" guy that is macho and takes care of you. BUT, now that he has a broken leg his ego, (the big macho I AM TOUGH) guy is helpless and has to rely on this artsy, weak, feminine woman,.

 

Well, his ego can't deal with it so he blasts you because how dare you be able to take care of yourself without him. EGO EGO EGO

 

Be thankful its over now.

[filmraven]

Woooow.

 

Your comment totally just struck a "lightbulb" moment in me Sparkey. YES, he was somewhat controlling-not overtly-but it is something my parents have mentioned recently that they noticed ever-so-slightly.

 

He definitely had that macho, real guy mentality and liked to show that he took care of me and make me think the same...god, that makes so much sense.

 

Thanks for that comment, that really helped.

[Luciana]

WHy is that so many men promise the world in the beginning and than later start showing their claws????

Can't they be more consistent? We women are!

 

ANyhow, just be careful that after he recovers he doesn't come to you with the same conquest attitude, now that he are no longer his. These kind of guys only want you when you are not available anymore.

[filmraven]

You know it's interesting because I always heard of scenarios like this where the guy is madly in love with the girl and then goes to being nasty and completely uninterested. Maybe somewhat ignorantly I NEVER thought that would be me!

 

It honestly kinda scares me because I fear how I will handle relationships interms of trust. I guess everyone's different and not having too high of an expectation as to where it will lead up is the best way to go?

[annie24]

What you said - the "in love" one day, and "totally uninterested" the next totally struck me. That is so true - it's happened to my friends. Doesn't it stink!?!? However, I think if they had their eyes open a little wider, they would have seen the relationships were on the way out...

 

I think, in general, that most people give "warning signs" before they switch from one to the other. You have to be on the lookout for them. They'll do things like skip sat night dates, or not call everyday, or whatever. They'll get really "busy" at work, or they need time to themselves to "figure things out."

 

Don't worry about this in future relationships. Just keep your eyes open to his behavior. good luck!

[filmraven]

It does stink!

 

Annie, what you said though about there being warning signs is something I've thought about since reading your post and I could actually say "yes" to every example you made. Skipping out of going out on Sat. night, being really "busy", prioritizing other things above me (like friends, sports, etc...), it all rings true and yet at the time I kept thinking to myself, "Oh, things are just getting more comfortable in the relationship and that's why he's being this way..."!

 

How do you know when things are just getting comfortable or if they really are warning signs??

[annie24]

Hmmm... I guess how you would distinguish the difference is how often that stuff comes up. Like, he's loving and attentive in general, but if he's got plans with the boys this weekend, not a big deal. If he's got plans with the boys, and has started acting more distant, then worry! There's a great book, "Venus and Mars on a Date" by John Gray. It really helps clarify a lot of these dating issues.

 

You sound like a great girl - I'm sure that when you do meet your Mr. Right, you won't wish you spent more time with this dude. Good luck!

[filmraven]

Thanks for the encouragement

 

These boards have proved so helpful, I'm so glad I posted.

 

Now off to the library I go....!