Not sure where I stand.

[sibelius9]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this if you do. I can add details later about things that were said but only if someone is interested. For now, I just want to get out what is going on in a summary so I can get any friendly advice. I recently posted under another forum topic and received two helpful replies but was hoping for a bit more if possible. Trying this out one more time. Hope to return the favor.

 

I haven't dated anyone now for some time. Not any real sense of dating anyway. I chose to do this in order to work on myself and genuinely advance as much as possible in many aspects of my life so that I can live a healthier life. I did not close myself off to interacting with interesting people and if I were to meet a person worth the effort of becoming emotionally open, I would not have closed myself off to that during this period of about 3 years, but dating was not at all on the top of my priority list. It has turned out to be a great experience and I am happy that I have continued to pull it off with grace, however.....

 

 

In the last three months I have been interacting with a schoolmate (we are both working on our graduate degrees) and let's just say that I haven't felt this drawn to someone in quite some time (more than 3 years for sure) and I have started to feel something for this person. I want to be very careful and not rush anything and we have both agreed that if anything at all were to come of this, it should be founded on a solid friendship first and on the promise of not expectations, no pressure, none of that. We're just two adults trying to do things the right way and should a friendship and only a friendship be what comes of this in the long-run, then so be it. Everybody wins, right? Well, not until things start to get weird. Here's how:

 

She started to flirt more intensely and at some point, without even trying to, it seems I just decided to go along with it. It felt natural and good and it made us like each other even more. The thing is, the timing is off because I'm so busy and also apprehensive to open up all the way and she ended a long relationship earlier in the year so she feels that she owes herself a significant amount of alone time to work on herself. All the friendly flirting turned into serious flirting which then turned into a bit of a power struggle, which then turned into arguments-making up-arguments-making up and then just a gradual sense of distancing. Now I lost a friend, a potential partner, whatever. I basically feel a huge loss of some kind and this hole is making me feel very down. The other day she asked me if I am "friendzoning" her and I couldn't believe she would see things that way. She calls me "aloof", says I switch between "very much connected" to "very much disconnected", said that sometimes I act as if I am not at all interested in talking to her, etc. I can't understand how I'm supposed to be with her if we are technically only friends and we agreed to that. That turned into some sarcastic bantering and then dead silence for several days.

[Krankor]

What do you mean by "serious flirting?" Have you two been physical in any way?

 

I don't think your problem is actually all that difficult, honestly. I think you are both just playing games because you aren't sure what the other one wants. So what you need to do is to figure out what exactly you want with this girl. A relationship? Casual dating? Friends with benefits? Just friends? Nothing? Identify what it is you want with her and then be proactive about moving things in that direction. If you do that, she'll let you know what she wants one way or another, and then you'll know where you stand.

 

Just out of curiosity, what exactly is it you want with this girl? I think you like her and want to date at least somewhat seriously.

[sibelius9]

I would barely take into account any of the minute physical things we have shared. Those were minimal interactions and they took place almost a month ago now. This person and I have come to share more of an intellectual-emotional bond and we were hoping to rekindle with face-to-face contact upon returning from our holiday break travels. Now we're both back in the same city and start school tomorrow and we have not exchanged a single word. I wonder if running into each other will be an awkward experience.

 

The truth is that I really want to keep getting to know her because I suspect I would eventually consider dating her. But, there is fear of failure, rejection, etc. Maybe I should just let this be for now. I don't want to feel sad anymore. Whatever this is meant to be...will be? Whenever and however? Who knows...

[catfeeder]

If you hope to date the girl, then you have zero to lose by contacting her. Since you're not dating her now, the only way to improve that position is by investing in some contact to see if she responds, and if she does, ask her for some time to see her.

 

No dates will magically fall into your lap. No risk means no reward. Rejection is just a way of learning that someone doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens. That just means she's not a match--it only speaks of her limits, not of any deficiency in you.

 

The earlier you can train yourself to roll with rejection, the easier dating and life in general becomes. Not everyone is meant to like everyone else--so the only way to filter out bad matches is to learn how to view rejection in those terms rather than as a reflection on you. That's how people 'narrow down' their dating pool to avoid wasting time on wild cards.

 

Allow bad matches to pass early rather than trying to convert them into fantasies to protect your ego and keep yourself living in your own mind. That will only keep you fragile and lonely--and who wants that?

[sibelius9]

Thank you catfeeder for the wise words and encouragement. I can't disagree with the above. I suppose my only insecurity now arises from the fact that I feel as though most of the recent errors were on my end and so I feel that making a move to remedy this doubt and concern is not warranted. I guess I'm respecting her silence and her space. I suppose this is somewhat in line with that lovely quote you added. I wish I had acted different so if things had not worked out anyway, then at least I wouldn't have the doubt. It could be more cordial to my liking but this awkward silence is too much.

[DepthOfField]

"Rejection is just a way of learning that someone doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens."

 

CatFeeder. You never stop impressing me with your quotes.

[SoulTaker]

I want to be very careful and not rush anything and we have both agreed that if anything at all were to come of this, it should be founded on a solid friendship first and on the promise of not expectations, no pressure, none of that. We're just two adults trying to do things the right way and should a friendship and only a friendship be what comes of this in the long-run, then so be it. Everybody wins, right?

 

She started to flirt more intensely and at some point, without even trying to, it seems I just decided to go along with it. It felt natural and good and it made us like each other even more. The thing is, the timing is off because I'm so busy and also apprehensive to open up all the way and she ended a long relationship earlier in the year so she feels that she owes herself a significant amount of alone time to work on herself.

 

Looks like the two of you have reneged on your agreement. Serious flirting goes beyond having a solid friendship. The two of you have pushed the envelope to the point where there's no clarity in how the two of you are now interacting with each other.

 

One of you will need to take control and right the ship back to it being a solid friendship, until both of you are available for dating.