sibelius9

I still haven't lost all hope.....but why? There isn't a single sign of any hope left. I'm probably holding my breath for a miracle. If I "meant the world to you" and all those other sentiments you've claimed....what is HE giving now that I cannot? Nothing has ever hurt so much. I never knew I could love so much. What about the child? Why can't I be her "daddy" anymore. Do you know how hard it was to open up to adopting a little person and actually learning to love her as my own? Where does this cruelty come from? Why are you always running away from challenges? Why do others influence you so easily? You'll never fully understand what you are to me. You are my world, my music...my family. I love you. I hope some day I can even come close to loving another woman this much because any degree less would be unfair to that person. Maybe I'll remain alone. You know perfectly well that i don't open up my door to just anyone. You must know what I'm going through.....right?

We've been able to hold some friendly emails as of lately. She even emailed very sweetly with my mother. I felt the sudden need, two nights ago, to write the following: "What do you say we run away and start all over". I know it's cliché but that's what my heart was telling me. I haven't received a reply and I fear I won't. Is that worse than receiving a negative reply? I'm not even sure which one hurts more.