Letting my girlfriend go away with her ex?

[troutboy]

Long story, but I got back together with my girlfriend after she dumped me - things have been rocky tho, she came crawling back a couple of times after no contact... "it does really work"! We have however had a few good times too, but sometimes fight over the amount of contact her and her ex have.

 

Anyway she runs and is doing a mountain run in another Island. Her ex lives there and they are the best of friends, going out and talking/texting all the time, he is a pilot and often flies up for a few hours at a time and the odd overnight - it has taken me ages to accept they are just friends and she CONSTANTLY reassures me that that is all they are, nothing more.

 

Anyway she and him are staying in the same hotel during the run (separate rooms). I have told her I'm not comfortable with this but again and again she reassures me that they are friends nothing more - even tho they did go out for 4 years. I have never stopped her doing anything and I never will, but what do I do???

 

The main motivator for him staying during the race is that another guy she really hates and he has hit on her before is doing it too and staying in the same complex, and she wants someone there - I offered but she said she didn't consider me as it is really expensive to fly there and he is there anyway and can pick her up from the airport etc. Am I being paranoid??? I know they are friends not lovers anymore...

[DN]

given the history that you two have, I don't think she is being at all sympathetic to your feelings. It is not as if you have had a solid relationship from the start. As you are trying to put the relationship on an even keel; for her to disregard your feelings seem less than helpful.

 

It is one thing to remain friends with an ex but when it jeopardises your current relationship it seems either a risky thing to do or calls into question the commitment.

 

In your place I wouldbe very doubtful of the relationship's long-term chances.

[Bad_Disease]

I agree. I think that if she cared for your feelings, she wouldn't stay in the same hotel as this guy. It sounds like she isn't really listening to you or trying to understand where you are coming from. Personally, I wouldn't trust her in this situation, but maybe that's just me.

[Mun]

I don't like the fact that she is dismissing your feelings about this. She should know better. Sure she can be best of friends with him, but if she knows this makes you uncomfortable she would be doing something about it. That's just how I see it.

 

I think that if you notice that she wants to do what she wants without taking your feelings into consideration you should re-evaluate the relationship. She may not be doing anything with this guy, but that's not the point. The point is you don't like it and she should be more considerate.

 

Love

[mt_joy]

She is dismissing your feelings about her ex? She doesn't sound like a very considerate girlfriend. She doesn't want you there for a reason it sounds like. Okay, if you are comfortable with it, there is no problem for her staying friends with him, but this friendship is now making you uncomfortable and she is doing nothing about it. Stick up for yourself and tell her that she needs to be more consideratre of your feelings.

[IrishClover]

i agree with muneca, it's not right for her to do something she knows you're uncomfortable about. It's a little odd to me that she likes to spend so much time with him (on the phone and sending text messages) and even more odd that they're staying in the same hotel. I know you have suggested you go with her, but she apparently wants to go alone. I think it's great that you say you have never stopped her from doing what she really wants, but i think this is a little beyond "normal" for her to think it's no big deal. I would appreciate your concern as a girlfriend and would respect that concern, maybe you should question if you really want to keep dating her.

[PrincessLinzay]

When you're in a relationship, taking your partners feelings into consideration is part of the package. You can't just think about yourself anymore, because every single one of your actions is going to affect another person.

 

I think it's unfair that she's desregarding your feelings and proceeding with something she knows makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure.

 

Your feelings are no small matter, and whether or not you'r suspicions are true is irrelevent. They are very real to you, and she should be taking that into account. That's just my 2 cents.

 

Hang in there!

[Cecelius]

Whether you are or are not "feeling" bad about it, it's not appropriate. In my opinion, feelings are secondary to whether something is okay or not okay on its face.

 

This is not okay on its face, whether you care about her or not.

 

1) Hanging too much by choice with an ex is a red flag

2) using an inappropriate ex as a shield against another guy (instead of your b/f) is odd

3) Her history of come and go as she pleases shows that she regards you as not the big event -- it may not be the ex, but its also not you.

 

She pretty much told you how things are, so I don't see any point in talking to her about it anymore. I also STONGLY believe as you seem to that people do what they want -- whether you will still be there when she gets back is up to you.

 

How much more of you do you want this other guy to own?

[troutboy]

Thanks for all your advice - you are all right, I called it off with her, she did'nt seem to be too bothered, it is'nt right and it's not fair on me. I would never do it to someone I loved and the fact I didn't factor into her consideration says it all. Ho hummmm plenty more fish in the sea and all of that! I just happen to work with this women unfortunatley!

 

Thankyou all for confirming what I guess I already knew but didn't want to admit.

 

Andrew