fooling around with ex....

[clodhopper]

hey guys, i've posted lots about my situation in the past months, about my breakup with my guy and how i've been feeling since.

 

now i have a new situation -- we've been back in the same city at school since the start of january. we go to the same school but dont see each other a lot. he comes over every week or 2 cuz we're still friends, and he's friends with both of my roommates as well.

 

anyway... we fooled around one night after going downtown with some friends. not really drunk or anything, we knew what we were doing and we'd talked about it a couple days before. we didn't have sex, but he went down on me, etc.

 

the next week he came over to go downtown but we didnt and just hung out a group of us at my apartment, then we had sex later that night.

 

we've also had sex another time about a week ago from now when we went out to a bar and came back and stuff happened.

 

i just want to know what people think of this and where i should go from here. has anyone been in this situation before? what did you do???

 

thanks guys!! please write

[BrwnAyz]

It seems to me like you guys could be using each other for the same reasons. If it ends in sex then I'd be worried about it. You can't have a casual friend you have sex with whenever, especially if he's your ex. It makes things complicated.

 

You should talk to him, see what he says about it. Does he want to be back in a relationship? Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Can you handle the casual sex with him without having a more substantial connection between you. I can't say I speak from experience but I know from friends who've been this way, it doesn't work out, they may try to get back together but the old problems are still there. The sex may be great but why would you put yourself at risk for potential STDs or a pregnancy when you don't know where your hearts are.

 

hope things work out for you

[Day_Walker]

It all depends on what you want from your ex. If you are content with what you have now then i dont see what you have as a problem. However, if you are doing this with the hopes of getting back with him then it most likely is a losing battle. Obviously you two are still into eachother but the nature of the relationship hasnt been discussed, so make sure you know what you want from this. If you realize that you want more than the other person then it would be best not to continue this activity. Situations like this can end abruptly, so if he finds another girl or you find another guy and this can create problems because most likely there are still feelings between you two.

[tanned_production]

it all depends I guess.

I've had a similar situation... My ex wanted to hang out, so we did, he was high, and we messed around.

After, we both didn't know what to do.

We knew that we shouldnt be in a relationship again, but we wanted too.

It depends what you want from the other person.

If messing around suits you just fine, then leave things the way you are.

But if after you mess around you feel empty, and like you want something more, then it probably isn't a good idea.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

 

[clodhopper]

hey guys,

just thought i'd update you on what's going on now...

 

i originally posted about my situation on the 18th (a week before that was when we had sex the second time)

 

anyway now it's 10 days later... he thinks we shouldnt fool around anymore cuz it's making me weird... which i dont agree with but whatever. i want to continue i think, not cuz i think its gonna make us get back together (quite the opposite actually)... just i dont see how its harming things more, its not making anything worse.

 

he's also not sure about just a friendship in general. we have agreed to see how things go and if we happen to hang out together (cuz we have mutual friends) then fine, and we'll just see what happens i guess. the only problem i have is how he talks to me sometimes... and we dont talk a lot, he doesnt treat me like any other friend which is what i think we both need to do. he treats me differently and wont talk to me as often as he talks to my roommmates (mutual friends)... and its just kinda hard to deal with when he doesnt talk to me, and then i walk into my roommates room and they're talking. i dunno just makes me feel like i'm being pushed out of the circle of friends. its just really hard sometimes

 

i'm trying to just go with the flow and if we hang out (possibly this weekend, not sure yet) then fine we'll see how it goes. i just dont want him to avoid my house cuz of me, since hes friends with my roommates.

 

i know he has a point with the no fooling around thing, but in a weird way i think it relieves a lot of the weird awkward tensions between us, and it gives us something to joke about when theres nothing else to say really. i dunno maybe that sounds weird.. what do you all think????

[RayKay]

I think even if you say it does not give you hope - it does. Because it is clear you are investing your emotions in this and you should not be using sex to relieve tensions with your relationship - trust me it will make things worse if in case he meets someone else for example.

 

And having sex with him and emotionally attaching to him will in your case prevent you from moving on and meeting others as well.

 

Can you HONESTLY say that you are not doing it in hopes he will stay or come back to you?

 

You both need time to adjust to the different relationship and dynamic, until then I would say take some time apart from one another especially in a sexual way. You can still be in same room and be civil so you can both be with roomates for example, but just take it easy...he probably feels a bit weird about situation too.

[clodhopper]

I'm investing my emotions somewhat in this I guess yes... but it's like we both have fun in the moment so I figure why shouldn't we? I know this doesn't even really matter since he came out and said we shouldn't be doing it anymore... but I just feel like why not! why shouldnt we be doing something if we both have fun with it!

 

i can honestly say that i'm not doing it in hopes that he will come back to me. we're not in a place where that is remotely possible anymore, it'll probably never be possible. i know he doesnt want more than friends with me, he doesnt want a relationship. and i know that having sex is not making him think differently, i'm aware of that.

 

i know we both need time to adjust to the different dynamic between us now, and i know we're gonna take time apart at least sexually. also in other ways too. we havent been talking as much and we never hang out unless its a group thing cuz we have some mutual friends.

 

i want to be in the same room and be civil to each other, i'm worried that wont happen. i guess we'll see if we ever hang out together again soon. i know he feels weird about the situation too, and i think he just gets freaked out knowing that maybe i like him more than he likes me, etc. which i understand. i just know that i feel weird too, but most of all i dont want to lose him completely.

 

i'm hoping we can get thru the next 2 months of school being civil to each other... then we're apart for 4 months of the summer, and i wont see him til sept. that is if i do see him. so i'm hoping we can leave on decent terms in 2 months and hopefully be better friends in the future after some time apart, i dunno...

 

what do you think?

[RayKay]

I'm investing my emotions somewhat in this I guess yes... but it's like we both have fun in the moment so I figure why shouldn't we? I know this doesn't even really matter since he came out and said we shouldn't be doing it anymore... but I just feel like why not! why shouldnt we be doing something if we both have fun with it!

 

You are thinking about how YOU feel in this situation and thinking along lines of if I feel okay with it, so should he.

 

But clearly he does NOT feel okay with it - as to why only he knows but he obviously is not okay with it so you need to respect that. He is not having fun as maybe to him he feels pressured, or like it should be something between someone he loves, maybe he does not want to lead you on. As with any relationship, it is a two way thing and if he is not feeling okay with it, then thats enough reason not to do it.

 

So use the distance to your advantage and work on moving on...if friends is in your future it will happen - but again it will take both of you to get there. Let things happen as they happen.

[clodhopper]

Yes I was thinking about how I felt in the situation, not so much about how he felt. But that's why we'd ask each other frequently if each other was still okay with the situation. He said he was up for anything and didn't have a problem with being emotionally attached, so it was me that needed to decide. He said he'd respect what I wanted either way. So yeah, that's when I focused on how I was feeling.

 

I know what you mean RayKay... I just don't see why this happened since he's the one that started it... and he always said he had fun doing it. The reason he said we shouldn't do it was cuz of me, but I feel okay about it! He's not the type to feel it should be something only with someone he loves, I don't worry about that at all. I know he doesn't want to lead me on, but he told me that, and he said I always had to remember it was just physical attraction and he didn't want to make me want more.