sorta success story?

[hazel125]

@mhowe yes we addressed that we should only see eachother twice a week. Sunday and Thursday until we are ready.

yes we have talked about our problems in the past, she asked me if I will be able to finish school this time and actually stay at my job. She also stated that we need to be able to actually spend time outside the house instead of always inside, I agreed.

When it came to me talking to her about her communication, she also apologized and explained that sometimes she was scared to explain how she felt because she thought t would upset me, I told her not communicating with me is what makes me upset because we can't fix issues, she told me she will start telling me things. We also met up yesterday and sit down and told eachother what we liked and didn't like with eachother and how we could improve going forward. As far as the sex, I told her we shouldn't be doing that for awhile so things don't get awkward or move to fast and she agreed with it.

So as of now, we will only see eachother twice a week because it's my only days off and it seems appropriate.

 

Any advice on if that's a bad idea?

[hazel125]

@mhowe by the way, thanks for replying too, i thought it'd be odd talking to a stranger about issues but seeing that you have gone through something like this, it makes me feel better talking to someone who knows

[mhowe]

Sounds like a good plan.

 

Hold your ground on this --- do you think finishing school and keeping your job will be a problem?

 

As for Thur/Sun dates --- will you be the one driving to her location each time? Are you going to alternate planning "dates"?

 

Having been through a reconciliation myself -- I would caution about jumping into the deep end of the pool. This is now Relationship 2.0. The revised edition.

You hold up your end --- and watch her actions and lips.

Bravo to you for taking sex off the table. Don't expect her to not try and play this card ---- which will be a flag that she isn't "listening".

 

Why do I say this --- because she tried to play it already. Pushed that she was "horny" and now, is agreeing. She is going to agree with everything you say at this point.

[hazel125]

@mhowe the sunday/Thursday meet ups are going to be dates, like going out to eat and things like that. She drove up here yesterday and is driving up here on Thursday. Next week I'll be driving to her apartment so she can see the dog. I don't have no problem with finishing school and working.

Was ur reconciliation successful? If I may ask

[mhowe]

Yes --- we have been together over 6.5 years now. My thread tells the whole story --- we actually had two recon's --- the second break was caused by my mothers' rapid health decline and death and I had to take time away from the relationship to focus on her.

[hazel125]

Yes --- we have been together over 6.5 years now. My thread tells the whole story --- we actually had two recon's --- the second break was caused by my mothers' rapid health decline and death and I had to take time away from the relationship to focus on her.

 

@mhowe First off, I'm terribly sorry about your mother!

Second that is awesome that your still together!

I always see you giving advice on the forums about reconciliation shouldn't even be thought of until at least 6 months or a year passed because then your different people.

This is EXACTLY why I told my ex we need to take things slow and I told her even if it takes months atleast we are fixing our problems so that when we get together we are stronger as a couple, she agreed. I also told her if this isn't what she wants or has any doubts to tell me so we don't waste each other's time but she is continuing to tell me that this is what she wants. I even asked her if she was only thinking about this because maybe she got lonely without me, or maybe it's just familiar to her you know? But she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to make it work. So like you tell everybody, I'm taking it slow and always keeping my eye out. I'm still working on myself and my improvement so that I'm happy with who I am, that way if this ever fails I'll atleast know that I can be happy on my own.

[mhowe]

Our first separation was 4 months...he had health, job and financial issues to address. He did and came back when issues were solved. The break due to my mothers death was closer to 7 months. I had a lot on my plate in terms of grief, getting my business back on track, etc.

 

And we have an understanding now that we are committed for life.

 

Reconciliation is very difficult and trust and communication are paramount.

 

Ps. Our age was also a factor in shortening the time apart. We know what we each need from a relationship.

[hazel125]

Our first separation was 4 months...he had health, job and financial issues to address. He did and came back when issues were solved. The break due to my mothers death was closer to 7 months. I had a lot on my plate in terms of grief, getting my business back on track, etc.

 

And we have an understanding now that we are committed for life.

 

Reconciliation is very difficult and trust and communication are paramount.

 

Ps. Our age was also a factor in shortening the time apart. We know what we each need from a relationship.

 

I understand what you mean! That's why I told her we are going to take things slow and not rush into anything that we shouldn't.

[mhowe]

You seem to have a good handle on this. Best of luck.

[hazel125]

You seem to have a good handle on this. Best of luck.

 

I'll keep this updated.

 

My only other question for now is, how often should we chat in the beginning?

She texts me constantly and also calls me at night, which doesn't bother me, because during our relationship I stopped paying attention to her, but is there ever too much talking? You know what I mean?

[mhowe]

Meaningless texts aren't necessary. Depending on each of your communication and relationship needs...something to work out. Before we were living together, my bf and I talked...not texted...every few days. And saw each other 2-3x a week.

 

I would not tie yourself to nightly contact. Part of your journey includes ramping up your life.

[hazel125]

Meaningless texts aren't necessary. Depending on each of your communication and relationship needs...something to work out. Before we were living together, my bf and I talked...not texted...every few days. And saw each other 2-3x a week.

 

I would not tie yourself to nightly contact. Part of your journey includes ramping up your life.

 

That's exactly what I told her yesterday, I told her we shouldn't be texting so much but if she every wanted to talk she could call me. She didn't understand at first she took it as I didn't want to talk. I told her part of our reason for breaking up was because we were constantly talking and constantly with eachother, this could be practice of us spending time away from eachother and then she agreed. She usually calls me right after she gets off because that's usually when I'm heading into work. Then we talk at night but I never make it long usually like 5 minutes on my break.

 

Thank you, your help is incredibly appreciated!

[mhowe]

Limit texts to confirming times and dates. Short chats to catch up, say hi.

 

And then focus on school, work and your new bogey board and making friends at the beach!

[Monkeyjarbles]

I specifically created an account to comment on this.

 

I know you're in a tough position but I honestly think your ex sounds sincerely sorry. Everyone screws up. Some more than others. From the sounds of it she might seem desperate to you etc but she's obviously so remorseful to the point that she's thrown away her ego & begged you for a 2nd chance. You can say she deserves what she gets or you can realise that this person made a massive mistake & it took a lot of courage for her to call/text you ask you back out.

 

You might feel fine but I reckon she's constantly torturing herself thinking about you & wishing she could go back in time & slap herself for breaking up with you. I agree that you should take things slow & protect yourself but you also kind of need to let her in a bit. How can she ever earn your trust if you shut her out completely?

 

I've thrown away a perfectly good relationship before & believe me, losing that person was devastating. If I had another chance, trust me, I've learned my lesson & wouldn't blow it. You value something you lost so much more when you get it back.

 

Take things slow but you need to let her in & don't keep scores. If you're making a fresh start then don't bring up the past. Communication is essential.

 

I really hope you both work it out. Trust me she's been through mental torture thinking about you.

 

All the best

[mhowe]

No one is telling him to keep score.

 

What he needs to watch is her emphasis on the physical as her only form of communication. I see changes in the OP...I don't see any changes from her but lip service. And fancy pjs.

[hazel125]

I specifically created an account to comment on this.

 

I know you're in a tough position but I honestly think your ex sounds sincerely sorry. Everyone screws up. Some more than others. From the sounds of it she might seem desperate to you etc but she's obviously so remorseful to the point that she's thrown away her ego & begged you for a 2nd chance. You can say she deserves what she gets or you can realise that this person made a massive mistake & it took a lot of courage for her to call/text you ask you back out.

 

You might feel fine but I reckon she's constantly torturing herself thinking about you & wishing she could go back in time & slap herself for breaking up with you. I agree that you should take things slow & protect yourself but you also kind of need to let her in a bit. How can she ever earn your trust if you shut her out completely?

 

I've thrown away a perfectly good relationship before & believe me, losing that person was devastating. If I had another chance, trust me, I've learned my lesson & wouldn't blow it. You value something you lost so much more when you get it back.

 

Take things slow but you need to let her in & don't keep scores. If you're making a fresh start then don't bring up the past. Communication is essential.

 

I really hope you both work it out. Trust me she's been through mental torture thinking about you.

 

All the best

 

Hey man, thanks for replying!

I don't think she should get what she deserves at all man, I don't hold grudges towards people I've been through way too much to act like that. I was part of the reason for the breakup so I never held a hate for her. I told her when she left, do what makes you happy because in the end that's what truly matters and I meant that. I lost sight of myself in the relationship and strung to her for my only happiness when I should already be happy with who I am.

I've never lost full trust for her, although when she walked out, it hurt me because I felt like it could be fixed but I can't be selfish and force someone who's not happy to stay in the relationship. I agree with you that I should let her in, I am letting her in but like @mhowe said, I don't wanna be another couple who rushes back into a relationship only to fail months down the road you know?

Me and her spent every single day together, sure we were happy but we were bored and our bad communication caused us to not say anything. So all I'm doing now is making sure I take the right steps forward and making sure me and her are fully committed to this. We only talked about the past a few times and it was to only discuss what we know needs fixed moving forward.

I'll definitely keep everybody updated!

 

 

If I may ask @monkeyjarbles why did you walk out on the relationship?

[WonderfulLife]

Hey man, thanks for replying!

 

If I may ask @monkeyjarbles why did you walk out on the relationship?

 

I'm not that user, but I had the exact same sentiments. I screwed up a while ago and did the exact same thing. It was my first real relationship, and part of the problem was that I was under the impression that if there was any argument or disagreement that meant we should breakup. I was also dealing with a lot of factors I couldn't control, and I was impatient with what I saw as inaction or him dragging his feet. I immediately realized the error of my ways but he wanted to hold me to the "breakup." For months we kept in touch as he worked to resolve the issue that I got impatient over, but now it's gotten to the stage that the unknown is killing me. He says he will always be there for me, but he needs to get the situation that caused my frustration sorted before he even thinks about something with me. So I think I'm at the point of giving up. But don't think I don't wish every day that I hadn't screwed up and rashly said about breaking up months ago. It's a tough lesson to learn, and a difficult pill to swallow.

[Monkeyjarbles]

Hey man, thanks for replying!

I don't think she should get what she deserves at all man, I don't hold grudges towards people I've been through way too much to act like that. I was part of the reason for the breakup so I never held a hate for her. I told her when she left, do what makes you happy because in the end that's what truly matters and I meant that. I lost sight of myself in the relationship and strung to her for my only happiness when I should already be happy with who I am.

I've never lost full trust for her, although when she walked out, it hurt me because I felt like it could be fixed but I can't be selfish and force someone who's not happy to stay in the relationship. I agree with you that I should let her in, I am letting her in but like @mhowe said, I don't wanna be another couple who rushes back into a relationship only to fail months down the road you know?

Me and her spent every single day together, sure we were happy but we were bored and our bad communication caused us to not say anything. So all I'm doing now is making sure I take the right steps forward and making sure me and her are fully committed to this. We only talked about the past a few times and it was to only discuss what we know needs fixed moving forward.

I'll definitely keep everybody updated!

 

 

If I may ask @monkeyjarbles why did you walk out on the relationship?

 

You sound like you're taking the right steps & approaching with caution & it's great that you hold no grudges. By all means take your time & don't rush in but communicate & let her know that you need that time. The worst thing for her is to have false hope for a few months only for you to finish it for good.

 

The lingerie thing might not have been the best move on her part but she's clearly emotionally devastated & probably trying to do anything she can just to hold on to you. Obviously she's upset & doesn't know how to fix things.

 

I had been planning to go on a round the world trip for about 3 years. I met her & didn't fully invest in the relationship because I knew at some point I'd be going away. I was scared to get close to her friends etc if I was going to break up.

 

We dated for about 7 months & I broke her heart when I broke up. She offered to do long distance & come out to visit me but I didn't listen or give it a chance. We still hung out for a few months being basically a normal couple until I left & when I was away I'd always be skyping her & messaging her.

 

After a few months she was a little less responsive & I realised how much I loved her & how I wished she was out there with me. I was supposed to visit 3 more continents & do trips with other people. I told her I lover her & she said she moved on. It absolutely crushed me.

 

I ended up flying home from China to try & save the relationship. I travelled for 33 hours straight & showed up at her door straight from the airport (sounds like a romcom) to tell her I loved her.

 

Ultimately I was too late & I'm currently torturing myself over it. It was my own fault but believe me if I ever got a 2nd chance I would not blow it. I value the relationship too much to mess it up & I hope/suspect your ex would feel the same.

 

Anyway, I've never commented on a forum before & for some reason I felt compelled to try & persuade you to give this girl another chance. I know your situation is different but I urge you just to think carefully before throwing this girl away for good.

[Monkeyjarbles]

I'm glad you don't hold grudges. You're obviously in a tricky position and I think you're handling it well from the sound of it. It's completely fine to take your time with this and there's absolutely no need to rush. I think from her perspective there is a fear/danger of clinging on to false hope and she might not know where she stands at the moment. From personal experience, it's a horrible position to be in. I reckon she's constantly thinking/dreaming/analysing everything about your relationship.

 

In my case, I had spent 3 years planning/saving to go on a round the world trip and totally ended up dating her by accident. She was beautiful and such a genuinely lovely person but at the time I let my trip be my priority and thought that she was the right girl at the wrong time. Somehow we had fun and clicked and we ended up going out but in January I broke her heart and told her I was going travelling and didn't know when I'd return. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I listened to my friends and read travel blogs which advised against long distance. She offered to wait for me and come out and visit but I was stupidly adamant and refused to listen.

 

It took a few months before I left and in that time we tried to be friends but ultimately became an 'unofficial' couple again. She said that she was gonna be upset no matter what, so we may as well enjoy our last few months together. When I was away we Skyped and messaged regularly as if we were still a couple. She told me she loved me 3 months in and told me she couldn't wait on someone who doesn't love her back. I loved her too but was annoyed and didn't address this and I still intended to visit another 3 continents. Some people advised me not to tell her i loved her but one of my friends did. Ultimately it's my own fault I failed to.

 

We soon made up and things were back to normal. However over the next 2 months she started to cut down regular contact. As I felt her slip away, I began to realise that this girl had always been there for me, even though I had broke her heart, and I had no interest in being with anyone else. I was constantly thinking about her and eventually told her how I felt. Unfortunately she said I forced her to move on and i was alone and distraught in China. Although I was only 5 months into my dream trip, I booked a flight home and travelled for 33 hours and went straight to her house from the airport. She didn't want to have a serious chat that night but we did a few weeks later. It was mental torture waiting for that chat. Despite pouring my heart out and apologising for how stupid and selfish I'd been, she called me out on mistakes I had made in the relationship, like not making enough effort with family/friends. This was true and I didn't want to get close to these people because I knew I was going away. I didn't handle the situation well and I failed to articulate how I felt and stupidly tried to dispute some of her criticisms of me. Ultimately, she said she moved on and it killed me.

 

But that trip honestly changed me and made me realise what my priorities in life are and it was her. If I ever got a 2nd chance, i'd never blow it. I value the relationship too much and would do everything in my power not to jeopardise it. Anyway, sorry for the long story. Our situations might be different but I can relate to the position your ex is in and honestly think that you need think very carefully before you make any decision.

 

Trust me, she'll be constantly thinking about you, mentally torturing herself and analysing every message you guys send each other. Though you might not see it, she's been through the ringer. I hope whatever you choose, things work out for the both of you.

[hazel125]

I actually spent the day and night with my ex girlfriend yesterday for new years! It went awesome! Took her out to dinner and then we went her apartment and she changed and we went to a friend's get together and had a blast and the best part was we actually weren't even attached to the hip like we usually are at party's, I spent time with all her friends and my friends husband's and she was enjoying time with her friends. Of course we did come together and spent time together especially once the ball dropped! Even got a kiss. We headed home and I was supposed to head back home but decided to stay the night and enjoy the the rest of the night. We laughed and played some game on her tv lol until...... she broke down in tears and was apologizing for how everything happened and I told her it's okay and I understood why she did it but let's down bring up the past. She gave me a long hug and told me she's glad I've learned how to be happy as an individual and actually chase my dreams again. She said she felt like we lost ourselves as individuals in the relationship which made us spend way to much time together. I understood and she gave me another hug and told me I know this is going to be hard at first but I know once we make it through the beginning it'll be amazing. We watched a movie together until about 2am she passed out and I carried her to the bedroom, covered her up and took a pillow and slept on the couch. I woke up this morning and cooked breakfast and after we ate I came home! So far things seem to be going well!

[mhowe]

Nicely done!

[hazel125]

Nicely done!

 

@mhowe you really helped me realize what needed fixed and how I should approach all of this! We had a huge talk and I told her I need to stay at my job until I finish school in two months and then look for a job down there. She told me she's going to really practice communication with me when she needs talk. We have both been continue to work on our issues, so far so good. So it's been a good experience !

[mhowe]

Part of that is due to you holding to boundaries...your work, not adding sex into the equation. And communications... Which is key.

[hazel125]

Part of that is due to you holding to boundaries...your work, not adding sex into the equation. And communications... Which is key.

 

Yeah I'm not going to allow myself to get comfortable like I did in the last relationship. She actually did pretty well with the sex thing. I figured last night since we drank alittle she would definitely try to like she use to but instead she gave me a few kisses and that was it. The only little problem I'm having is that sometimes I find myself still getting upset(only alittle) about her dumping me. Like I totally understand why it had to happen, I've forgave her but It still pops in my head here and there. I told her about it and of course she keeps saying it's not going to happen again, as long as we stay on the right path and learn to communicate and push through our problems. I just don't want this feeling lasting long ?

[mhowe]

She dumped you because you had no direction. You seem to have four d your focus.

 

When my bf and I took our break...it was because he had several issues to deal.with and when he came back, they had been put to rest. I could have stayed butt hurt at how he dealt with it. Or I could chose to put that behind me and focus on the present and future. I chose the latter.