sorta success story?

[hazel125]

Welp guys... if you've read any of my past threads, you'll know that my ex left me close to a month ago... she had every right to, I was lazy, lost my job and became unmotivated. This lasted about the last 5 months of our relationship, until she finally told me let's take a break.. then a week later she tells me "I feel like we've drifted apart" trust me.. I was heart broke, I literally just bought her a ring two months before the break up even after I lost my job... welp that went straight back lol good thing I kept a recipe right? Well anyways I went NC right off the gate, I read so many post on hear saying NC is the way to go and of course at first I was doing it for the wrong reasons (trying to win her back) but the more stories I read, the more I came to realize that I needed to change for me. So once we splitup, I packed my stuff, including our dog and moved immediately about 2 hours away. You think a breakup is hard? Try forgetting about the girl of ur dreams while watching ur dog sit at the door everyday at 330 howling with her tail wagging because she knew this was usually the time my ex got off work. trust me, it sounds like a joke but it hurt me.

 

Well back to the story, me ex didn't really contact me after the breakup, well she didn't but only to day "hey, hope you got your things in the mail!" Nothing too serious. It took everything in me to accept the breakup for what it is and that is, it's OVER. It wasn't coming back and I couldn't force her into it.

One thing that helped me crazy! Was trying new things, I don't think people realize the importance of improving yourself after a breakup. Since I moved literally walking distance from the beach? I told myself why not? I bought a 400 dollar wet suit and then purchased a skimboard and every morning I walked to the beach and tried to teach myself, even met a few new friends while doing so! My second improvement was getting my life in order, I got a job the first week I got here, sold my video games(so I wasn't staying inside) and even purchased a new car.. sold my old one. I blamed myself everyday for the breakup and let me tell all of you guys something, unless you cheated or abused someone, don't ever blame yourself for another person walking out on you. They LEFT remember that. Well anyways it took me two weeks of reflecting to realize that my ex had a serious problem too, she is AWFUL at communication. I heard so many people say a man is always supposed to know how his woman feels, that's BULL. I treated my ex like a queen and she never seemed upset, always smiled and always tried to make love. She just never knew how to sit down and tell me how she felt or if I was doing something wrong, so how can you fix a relationship if you don't know what needs fixed? You can't.

 

well anyways Christmas day arrives and I tell myself, no, don't text her, even though I accepted it, I'm not doing it. Of course after I say this, my ex shoots me a text "Merry Christmas! Please give the dog a hug for me" I responded just to be polite "Merry Christmas" and about 4 hours later she text me saying "hey, how have you been?" NOPE! Not falling for that, ignored it and stayed NC.

Well here's where the story gets interesting. I get a HUGE text from my ex at midnight.. basically her saying hoe much she misses me, Christmas wasn't the same, she hopes I miss her, her family asked about me. You know all bull in my eyes. I texted her back something real simple "you left me? Remember?"

She didn't respond and then 1 am hits and I get a phone call from her.. I hit the ignore button, another phone call comes in, I ignore. Then a text saying "can you just answer the phone please" so finally I said it, I'll be fine. I answer and it's her silent sniffling, I say whatsup? What do you need? She responds I just wanna talk, I said okay well let's talk, how is everything? She responds everything is alright, hbu? I said I'm doing good, spent time with the family and now heading back home. She cuts me off and asks me to stop by her apartment. I told her I cant, I have the dog, she needs to be fed. My ex refuses to take no as answer and says just come I'll go buy her food. So I went. Mind you I'm driving 2 hours away to see this girl but in my mind, I'm like it nothing can derail me now I'm already past the point of needing her in my life anymore. So I pull up knock on her door, my dogs freaking out. She answers and hugs my dog for atleast 10 minutes in tears. I look behind her, she has food and ask me to come in..

I went straight to my point and told her "look, I'm not coming here to be a friend or chit chat, so whatever it is, just say it now so I can head off" she breaks down, loses it... saying I made a mistake, I left you for the wrong reasons, she explained I got this teaching job and all I could think about is our future and you became so lazy and I felt like you were never going to pursue anything.. I told her exactly how I felt, I told her your right I got lazy and couldn't snap out of it. Then I told her, but that doesn't mean leave me, you should have talked to me about this, everything I've done for us over the years and you left me for a simple reason. She begins to panic, grabbing my arm saying, I know, I ed up but I swear I haven't been with anybody since, I still want you, I still want us and I think we can work this out together. I told her, I don't know if that's where my head is right now, you tore me apart and forced me to move out, as much as I thought about you the first few weeks, I've gotten to the point where I don't think I need anybody right now, of course I still love you but at this point I don't know if I can take you back, so I offered her a friendship? She declined, I said well what do you want then? And she told me can I try something real quick and I said yes what? And she kissed me.. my heart was racing and all of our memories came back.. she let go of me and said I can tell it's still there, we both want the same thing... I told her I wanted you a month ago and you didn't want me... how am I supposed to assume you won't bail again? How can I do that? She says I'm not asking for us to dive back into this.. I just wanna start fresh, build our new relationship... she looks at me and says trust me I'm in it for the long run if you are.... I told her I'd have to think about this.. I stayed there for awhile, exchanged a few laughs, talked about my new job and how the dog was...

Now here's the hardest part of the night lol...

She walks away, tells me she'll be right back and comes out with a present with my name on it? And she walks back away and yells open it, I open it and there's nothing? Just a recipe? I yell it's empty ? And she says are you sure? I turn around and WOW.... she is in some brand new lingerie... she says what do you think? I'm literally speechless.. then I read the recipe and it was a Victoria secret recipe.. I was stuck and had no way out of it... she climbed on me, we made out, touched and all of this is happening and I think to myself? This isn't right so I stop her. Tell her we'd be moving to fast and of course she's not wanting to hear a no and whispers "are you really going to tell a sexualy frustrated woman no?" lol but I stand firm to my answer and we end up laying in bed watching a movie until she passes out. I get up when she falls asleep and head home with my dog.. all along I'm still not assuming anything, for all I know she could have just trying to have sex and be done. I wake up this morning and my phone has 5 texts from her... "I'm willing to fight for this" "i don't care how long it takes, I'm getting you back"

"Didn't you miss that?"

 

 

As much as I missed all of that and it felt amazing.. my gut is telling me that I shouldn't do this?

Idk once I accepted the breakup, I figured I wouldn't hear from her for MONTHS cause that's what I read on all the success stories?

So what do I do?

[mhowe]

Stay on your path...alone.

[Tom1990]

I'm curious what made her change her mind. Did she miss you, or did she miss the relationship? Did she just want to get laid? I don't know if I'd be able to resist her the way you did. That is some crazy stuff, mate.

[Dubb]

Why don't you want her back?

[dave_1966]

Why don't you want her back?

 

He's playing 'hard to get', totally missing the point of nc. One he caves in it will end in tears again. Human nature.

[Dubb]

As in she'll leave him bc they got back? That's silly. I know so many people who made it through stuff like this.

 

OP. She's put thought into all this. She sounds genuine. I don't think she bought that outfit on Christmas Day...

[hazel125]

@dave1996 if I was playing hard to get I wouldn't of drove over to her house the minute she asked me. I would have followed the rules and waited a few days to contact her, I don't play games man. Period. I never have and I never will.

I'm not looking for negative comments because it's honestly a waste of your time to even make a comment so negative.

 

But for thee other people that commented on the subject, it's a weird situation the reasons she left me aren't unforgivable, I became lazy, unmotivated and paid no attention to her but she also never communicated to me about any of them.

 

Second I know most on here don't believe in second chances, which exactly I mainly hear people always say don't go back.

I'm definitely not going to rush into this and I'm going to make her work for it. I texted her earlier and told her I'm not rushing into this, so if she doesn't plan on being in it for the long run, leave now. She called me and told me that's not the case at all.

So as of right now, we are going to be starting fresh, like friends and work our way into it again.

[hazel125]

@tom when I asked her what changed her mind. She told me that, she made a rash choice and thought we both would have been better off going our separate ways. She also said that she never had faults with me, she just didn't like the fact that I began taking her for granted and thought I wouldn't change.

[Dubb]

That's a solid approach man.

 

The people who don't beleive in second chances either never for one or messed up the second chance and assume it's like that for everyone. Go slow and start over.

[Tom1990]

Yeah, after thinking about it, I would probably do the same thing. Keep it slow, appreciate her for who she is, keep her communicating, and good luck!

[mhowe]

You now live 2 hours away and she snapped her fingers, put on her Victoria secrets and you are back in the game.

 

Sorry to say, this isn't the road to reconciliation.

[Dubb]

You now live 2 hours away and she snapped her fingers, put on her Victoria secrets and you are back in the game.

 

Sorry to say, this isn't the road to reconciliation.

 

What should the road look like?

[mhowe]

Not a phone call to jump.

Not a sex kitten routine.

 

It starts with a sincere apology on HER part, not a litany of his faults.

It's starts with compromise, not demands.

It starts with acknowledging that he has made positive changes...

[hazel125]

Not a phone call to jump.

Not a sex kitten routine.

 

It starts with a sincere apology on HER part, not a litany of his faults.

It's starts with compromise, not demands.

It starts with acknowledging that he has made positive changes...

 

1st - she gave me a REAL apology

2nd- she's the one who pointed out my changes

3rd- my job is an hour away from her house, which is where I lived at and my name is still on the lease, she even offered me to move back in(I denied be I didn't want to rush)

4th- just like I told the other guy, if you only want to pour negative thoughts on a thread, honestly what is the point?

5th- I forgot you knew the mind of EVERY woman in the world, does that mean you know the outcome of EVERY situation?

 

Like I said in the story, I've accepted the breakup, so even if this second chance ended up failing again, I'd be totally fine.

I'll never understand why people feel the need to just pour negative comments everywhere, seriously. Just because you don't think second chances work, doesn't mean everyone else does, but good for you.

[mhowe]

I believe in second chances..and my reconciliation is proof of that.

 

I just don't believe in antics, game playing and the bs that is this story.

Have fun while it lasts, because it has an expiration date.

[Improving123]

1st - she gave me a REAL apology

2nd- she's the one who pointed out my changes

3rd- my job is an hour away from her house, which is where I lived at and my name is still on the lease, she even offered me to move back in(I denied be I didn't want to rush)

4th- just like I told the other guy, if you only want to pour negative thoughts on a thread, honestly what is the point?

5th- I forgot you knew the mind of EVERY woman in the world, does that mean you know the outcome of EVERY situation?

 

Like I said in the story, I've accepted the breakup, so even if this second chance ended up failing again, I'd be totally fine.

I'll never understand why people feel the need to just pour negative comments everywhere, seriously. Just because you don't think second chances work, doesn't mean everyone else does, but good for you.

 

 

honestly i've seen a lot of bitter people on here that seem to be on this thread for the sole purpose of killing everyones hopes. Second chances can be the best or worst decision. Don't let these people get you down. Sounds like they're jealous that no one ever gave them a second chance. If you believe you can handle it, do it. I'm rooting for you and good luck

[BlarneyStone]

I think mhowe is just brutally honest and it's unfair to get peoples' hopes up about something like this. That being said, everyone's situation is different, from the dynamic of the break-up all the way down to the type of people who are involved. I had a friend who's girl cheated on him a long while back. She begged and pleaded and apologized to him to no end. We all told him not to take her back, but he did anyway. They're happily married now and have an incredibly strong relationship. Reconciliation comes in many forms.

 

But it also usually doesn't happen. Seems like there's a chance for OP if he wants it. Not sure about a happy ending, but I guess she has a lot of proving to do, doesn't she? The thing is, you guys weren't apart from each other very long so there hasn't been a ton of time for the two of you to work on yourselves. Could be a recipe for disaster.

[mhowe]

Some posters want to believe in false hope. Others think that everyone, including the unstable, deserve multiple chances.

 

OP was on a great path to reclaiming his life. Focusing on a future. And it appears that his ex sensed that she had lost control, so she used the sex kitten approach. And while it failed in the moment, it clearly turned his head.

[SeanCages]

Some posters want to believe in false hope. Others think that everyone, including the unstable, deserve multiple chances.

 

OP was on a great path to reclaiming his life. Focusing on a future. And it appears that his ex sensed that she had lost control, so she used the sex kitten approach. And while it failed in the moment, it clearly turned his head.

 

They're young.

If a girl can't play games with me, she's not worth it.

 

Anyways. She tried the sex kitten act, it failed. He told her he needs her to be more serious and take it slow, and she's willing to try that. I don't know what more you'd want. This sounds like a great spot to pick stuff back up. A month is short, sure, but hey, who knows how long it'll still take. Go for it, and if it fails, who cares, there's always next year.

[indie]

I think if you want to be with her and she wants to be with you then you should be together. That is a second chance by definition. No one can guarantee a happy ending just like no one can tell you for sure that it won't work. Only the two of you can make it work/not work. Whatever you decide, i am happy for you and wish you all the happiness in the world.

[hazel125]

I think if you want to be with her and she wants to be with you then you should be together. That is a second chance by definition. No one can guarantee a happy ending just like no one can tell you for sure that it won't work. Only the two of you can make it work/not work. Whatever you decide, i am happy for you and wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

Well first, I'm not mad at anybody advice. I get why people are brutally honest and I'd much rather someone be brutally honest with me then telling me everything I want to hear if that makes any sense.

 

So I have another question? Me and my ex have been talking basically everyday since that night, I always keep the conversation short and sometimes I just wait to text her the next day. Here's the big problem, I've been going back to college to finish up my bachelor's, I'm taking classes online but near the end of the semester I have a strict hands on class, I didn't think my ex would even remember this but she did and last night on the phone she asked me if I'd like to move back in( my college is about 15 minutes from her). I told her I'd think about it, but I eventually told her that it wouldn't be a good idea, we just started working this out and I'd feel like things would move way too fast if I moved back In.

 

my question is, did I do the right thing? She accepted that and told me whenever I'm willing to move in I could but wouldn't that be way too soon?

[mhowe]

Yes, it would be way too soon.

 

As you live an hour away, have any of these daily chats addressed how you will see each other going forward?

The specific issues that broke you up?

[Tom1990]

Good on you keeping the IMs and texts short. That's something I need to work on, myself. You inspire me to do the same.

 

And God yes, you were wise in not moving in with her. An hour away is nothing. I commute 2 hours a day to and from work. But...

 

The specific issues that broke you up?

 

A thousand times this. It's a potentially tough talk that will make you more awesome if it works out, and free you from a bad time if it doesn't.

[SeanCages]

Well first, I'm not mad at anybody advice. I get why people are brutally honest and I'd much rather someone be brutally honest with me then telling me everything I want to hear if that makes any sense.

 

So I have another question? Me and my ex have been talking basically everyday since that night, I always keep the conversation short and sometimes I just wait to text her the next day. Here's the big problem, I've been going back to college to finish up my bachelor's, I'm taking classes online but near the end of the semester I have a strict hands on class, I didn't think my ex would even remember this but she did and last night on the phone she asked me if I'd like to move back in( my college is about 15 minutes from her). I told her I'd think about it, but I eventually told her that it wouldn't be a good idea, we just started working this out and I'd feel like things would move way too fast if I moved back In.

 

my question is, did I do the right thing? She accepted that and told me whenever I'm willing to move in I could but wouldn't that be way too soon?

 

Let her prove herself. You did well.

[mhowe]

It appears that she is aiming at the physical side of this "reunion" ---- the VS parade, you moving back in.

 

The reason she broke up with you --- was instead of communicating her dissatisfaction with you, she simply walked away after 3 years.

YOU have addressed your laziness.

 

What is she doing to show that she has all of a sudden gotten better communication and conflict resolution skills?

 

They LEFT remember that. Well anyways it took me two weeks of reflecting to realize that my ex had a serious problem too, she is AWFUL at communication. I heard so many people say a man is always supposed to know how his woman feels, that's BULL. I treated my ex like a queen and she never seemed upset, always smiled and always tried to make love. She just never knew how to sit down and tell me how she felt or if I was doing something wrong, so how can you fix a relationship if you don't know what needs fixed? You can't.

 

It would appear that she is STILL smiling and wanting to make love.