Ex's who still haunt u almost a year later

[bowski]

I dont want to be too long winded but here goes. Ex i date for almost 3 years dumped me about 11 months ago. We had gone to college together and had broken up when i moved back home and she was still in college. We live about 3 hours away, but i wondered what was going on with her and it devastated me. Found out she had another boyfriend from someone during the summer. She would instant messgae me once a month or so during this time just small talk. Finally in November i wrote her a letter letting her know i missed her and wanted to talk. She called me back a week later and I drove the 3 hours to meet her for lunch. I was weird and finally I just told her everything how i missed her and stuff. After this we have been talking like once a week or so just small talk and her calling me. We have seen each other 2 other times since then. One time she was all standoffish and again i gave her the sob story to her face and she cried and started making out with me. After this she left and it was the same old small talk on the phone. i saw her about 3 weeks ago and this time when we went to the movies and had lunch she acted almost like she didnt want to be there and wouldnt come close to me during the movie. After this i said to myself forget it its not worth it. Since then she has called me 3 times and just small talk. Since the last time i saw her i decided Im not going to be as cold as ice to her because im sick of her basically using me for comfort but giving me nothing in return. I just find it odd that she calls me once a week or so but doesnt express feelings for me and acts like nothing happened in the past. I know she is single now but besides the time we kissed a month ago she has given me no reason to think she wants more. Basically my question is she just stringing me along. i noticed the few times we have seen each other she is more into me when i act like i dont care. Basically i think i she is just getting her cake and eating it too. I have told her all i can say and i feel she just uses me to make herself feel good. So now if she calls I plan on cutting it short and being less available. I just dont see her reasoning or how i can get her to change her behavoir.

[chai714]

I see a few problems here that can be done different. One, you drove 3 hours to meet her for lunch? LDR's are difficult in the first place, but you drove 3 hours to meet up with an ex who, from what I understand, did not want anything more than lunch.

 

When you got to lunch, you told her how you feel. Why did you do this? Because it made YOU feel better. The better question, is how did it make her feel? She felt guilty because of the tears you cried, and kissed you. Of course, her emotions were only temporary and she soon realized afterwards what you did (became emotional) was not attractive. You also came off as needy to her, which you want to portray you're the opposite - independent and a little aloof. You can be independent, while still having a good time with her.

 

If you are to meet up with her again, she will be much more cautious because she knows your intentions. In dealing with an ex, it's never a good idea to let them know your full intentions, unless they are already caught in your web. Next time, prepare yourself mentally and adjust your strategy. If you don't believe in having a strategy for getting her back, then move on to the next female.

 

Her changing her behavior is based on how you behave around her. Your actions invoke a reaction. Read some books on pschology and human nature. Gaining the knowledge necessary does not come overnight, but it can be very useful in using "loving manipulation" to get your ex back.

[bowski]

This was the first time we saw each other. Since then she has still called me like once a week. People tell me that it seems like she is afraid to lose me but doesnt want to make any sort of commitment to me. Is there anyway I can change this behavior? I find it strange that she calls me every 10 days or so when over the summer there was nothing. I honestly dont call her at all and have begun the last 2 times she has called to act aloof and not tell her much. I just think acting disinterested is my best bet because showing her that i am into her has gotten me nowhere since we started talking again. Its like she like the thought of me waiting around.

[tiger_lilies]

I think that she might be remaining in contact with you to keep the friendship alive...poissibly from guilt. She may have zero intentions of getting back together with you but since you were a part of her life for three years, it's hard to just ignore you when you obviously have such strong emotions for her.

 

If your intentions are to get back together with her, I think that you should make it clear to her and give her a choice, otherwise cut contact, for your own sake.

 

She may be on the fence about this, but unless you make your intentions clear, you will continue to be hurt by her indecision.

[vhshowdown]

I agree with chai714. You can NOT tell her how you feel, etc...

I am going thru the exact same thing right now. Basically, all I am doing when I do get with her, is be myself. Show her who I am still, having a good time together, laughing, etc.. I dont care about that past so much anymore, I have learned from it though.

 

I know I love her, but am not telling her this. If its meant to be, it will happen. Thats the way I want it to happen. Don't try to force it though. It is hard, cause being we feel this way towards them, and we arent sure if it is mutual right now, we are leaving ourselves very vulnerable to getting hurt. I dont know if it is the BEST strategy, cause she is dating someone else now, but time will tell.

 

In the freetime away from her, work on yourself, improve yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. So, if the time does come, hopefully you will be prepared to get back with her, and she will want to cause she likes what she sees, the new you, not the feel sorry for you!!

 

Good luck, and stay tough bowski

[lilred]

Well, i know how you feel. I have an ex that calls me 2X week, but no talk of getting back together. I think that she is doing the same thing as my ex, using us as a "safety nets" or a back up plan. It kinda sucks, but why else would they still be contacting us? Trust me, i've asked this question many many times. I analyze the conversations we have, how often he calls...etc. Does this sound familiar? I know that it's confusing since i have never stayed in contact w/ any ex, except for this one. And he doesn't keep in contact w/ any of his ex's except for me. So we must have some kind of special bond right? Is that what you're thinking too in regards to your situation?

 

Anyhow, how long has she been single, since you might need to give her some space after her break up before she can think clearly. There's no doubt that she still cares for you deeply, but she may need time to sort out her feelings. So you guys live 3 hours away from each other huh? Well i know that this is jumping the gun a bit, but would you be willing to relocate for her, in case things do work out?

 

I think that you should be more aloof w/ her, b/c after you see her and she acts like she doesn't care, why should you? I had a similar situation where i visited my ex, and i thought that we were going to spend the whole day together, since i hardly see him, and then he goes "so when are you going to leave?, i have a lot of things to do this evening" This broke my heart, since i don't see him that often either. Btw my ex also lives 3 hours away. But after he said that, i stopped putting any effort into this relationship, i have stopped contacting him. It was just too painful to handle.

 

I'm sure you must be frustrated through all of this, but i think if you really care for her, you need to be patient. You can "wait" for her mentally, but you have to move on w/ your own life first. The only person that can look out for your own best interests, is yourself.

 

Let me know how it goes, maybe you can have some tips for me!

[bowski]

Well i dont know how long she has been single. We have never talked about it before and I dont want to know. We have been apart since last march and reconnected in November. i have to admit the 3 times i have seen her i have acted into her 2 times. the one time i didnt i could tell she was real into me. The last time i saw her though she was so cold to me that i said forget it. This was 3 weeks ago and since then she has called me 3 times. Once on my cell which i didnt return and 2 times on my work phone which i hvae no called id on. She called me the day after valentines too. Its always small talk but now Ive decided to be sort of aloof because since we have started talking again me telling how I feel has gotten me nowhere. I honestly think the best thing i can do is act disinterested because then either she will get scared and think she hsa to do something to get me or she will stop trying to talk to me because she isnt interested in the first place. Something keeps her calling me though. I have been the one to make the plans to see each other but now its on her. Something keeps her calling me though once every 10 days or so.