Lisii trying to move on Baby Steps

[Lisii]

I thank all the wonderful ENA people who have given such valuable advice lately and I try to take it all onboard, I enjoy being here and I hope I'm not too much of a pain in the butt... (I know I can be over enthusiastic sometimes - it's something I'm working on).

 

I have read so many heart-breaking threads on here, and noticed we all grieve the same way - complete devastation and then slowly but surely most of us move on bit by bit - scars et-al.

 

It's hard not being able to delete my ex from Social Media or from my life and go full NC. He is in my face constantly and even if I were to move countries or planets, due to our type of work we will always be connected (that is socially too).

 

So we have had to embrace a very public breakup, first I was humiliated, but little by little I have noticed people didn't care about our relationship - they actually appreciate me for me and him for him, I found out that although I have made a lot of connections and friendships through him in the past 4 years of knowing him, these wonderful connections are not going anywhere. (I had paranoia that everyone was talking behind our back - which was true as in gossip, but as we have shown respect to each other, our friends and colleagues have done the same in return, nothing negative has come from it).

 

I still have a long, long way to go, I know he is on a national dating site - it's how he is distracting himself by making new friendships (this is how we met 4 years ago) at first it hurt, but its not my business anymore and the more I tell myself this the easier it gets. (It felt good deleting my old profiles - I wont go back) I have to remember I am the first woman he in his 10 year career that he introduced publicly so I think he wont be rushing into things with anyone else - well, I'm hoping.. (I'm putting it out there until at least next year, "universe, please listen" - I want him to be happy so this is a little mean and selfish of me), He's employed a mutual friend to do all little the extra jobs I use to do for him (this makes me feel better, I was worried about his workload and health- I need to stop mothering.. stop it.. ekk!) - A little annoyed as she's being paid for it !! - but hey we do things for our partners - don't we?

 

I'm in no rush to find love the thought of it makes me almost vomit. I have a long way to go to heal, I know I need to love myself first, this is hard. My find self-esteem is better, but its the Sertaline which gets the thanks for this and for also for helping me with my PTSD/paranoia. Not sure if I'm ready to go into the social scene yet, it can wait. The Random Gift that I received last week blew me away, I will definitely be passing it on...

 

I explained to Ella on Saturday that my heart is still very much focused on him, even though my mind knows that we are not suited. I just need my mind to win the battle of the organs and work towards aiming my love towards me. She told me off.

 

He came for tea last night and we went for a walk together - we didn't mention us (I think in our situation this is the best way, and is why we are ok - we are not analysing our failed relationship - we did this on the day we broke up, we don't need to revisit it, we are both (trying) to focus on moving forward with our friendship, we talked about work, Donald Trump and we solved all the worlds problems (Donald Trump..) - which friends do. It was nice.

 

It's not perfect, I hope it's not denial.

[Lisii]

Today I'm thinking about Christmas, I won't get him a present, thought I would just casually say Merry Christmas and wish him and his mum well. But there is a part of me that wants to apologise for some "Harsh Truths" that I said (it was my Painbody talking, this was on the night we broke up). I regret what I said. I won't go through with it - let sleeping dogs lie, but I do regret them they were unjust, it replays in my head and I see his hurt eyes.

 

I have another work meeting with him tomorrow, its getting easier - my head tingles when I think of him, not sure if this is normal - slight anxiety (I guess) unfortunately we will be alone, unless I can think of a way to get my partner to accompany me - but it's not likely.

 

My eldest son was awake on his new laptop @ 1.15am, I took it straight off him, but I'm full aware of what he was doing, I worry about him - My brother told me he had put a parental lock on it when he gave it to him last week, but I think my son may have found a way around it. Today I went to work and have all tablets & laptops in the back of my car until I can investigate it further. This is hard I don't want to find what I know I will. So, this morning I left him at home (he's on summer holidays) with a list of chores to do and told him we will have a talk when I get home... I'm not looking forward to it - I'm not prude, I need to know that it is undercontrol... vomit... I'm glad they are going to their dads for summer - he can hopefully do a better job than me!

 

We had professional photo's taken at work today, I use to be photogenic but I struggle now, the thought of it being on the website is freaking me out slightly. I've given the photographer instructions to photoshop everything above the neck - she laughed - I was serious ... hmmm

[Lisii]

Today is a new day, yesterday wasn't too bad. A watermain burst outside my property resulting in no water, I ended up taking my eldest out to dinner (youngest had prom) We had a fun evening, we talked about his laptop and restrictions, and respecting women, He's such a cool kid (both are I'm proud of him - we had a lot of giggles and I'm thankful that I have such a great relationship with both of them.

 

Almost time for work -I have a lot of programming to do at today for a new client/project, it's fun, but I am so looking forward to my holiday break my brain is feeling foggy. My meeting with the ex is after 2, I'm going to make sure I have everything ready so I can go in and out of the meeting pronto.

 

Tonight my girlfriend's hubby is taking my eldest on a Santa Mountain Bike run which is great for him - he loves the outdoors and I think he is going to follow my footsteps which is awesome! I'm having a wine with my girlfriend while they are out and she will pamper me (she is also my beautician - so yay to fresh eyebrows and lashes before Christmas). My youngest will play with her eldest so it's going to be another neat night out - tis the season afterall.

 

I RSVP'd for a local woman's mountain biking group's Christmas Party tomorrow night, it's time to get back into things, I'm feeling a little apprehensive (small city and gossip) even though I know the gossip isnt bad, it's still daunting to face the questions that I know will be asked.

 

Ok, time to face the day and put my big girl pants on, first stop and grab a Mocha on my way to work - put a little ping in my step!

[Lisii]

Adding on to my morning journal, I've just come home from the ex's, I managed to get my stuff done pretty quickly at his. I'm out of sorts now, feeling sad, I need a hug and a cry.

 

Nothing happened, it was business like, and I guess that's why I'm so sad, it's not familiar. Oh man this is hard

 

I feel like all my energy has been zapped from me. I have things to do, but don't want to do them. I need to txt my friend as I'm going to hers tonight, and I don't want to be sad when I get there. I just can't be bothered.

 

boo.

[Lisii]

Well last night I was naughty, stupid and an idiot (but I'm not going to undo it)

 

Against better advice from my Therapist, friends and even myself, I went back into a dating site (originally to delete an old profile and stalk, - instead I updated it and paid for a month membership).

 

I came home from my girlfriends, I had had a wine (which I shouldn't have on my pills) blobbed on my couch and was still a little out of sorts, so I logged in and updated the stupid dating site. I chatted to 3 guys until 10.30pm, Two guys sounds really nice, One is in IT and the other is an bio-engineer (intelligent! yay and an animal lover!!), stupid I know I shouldn't be doing this. I'm being 100 % honest with them about what I've been through, and I have stipulated that I'm not in a rush which they are both happy with, they both sound sincere, both are looking for long term relationships not a booty call, they both said they were enlightened/impressed with my honesty, (thankfully both live in another city an hour away, so going slow is inevitable). My profile also says friendship first.

 

I know I shouldn't have, It's not teaching me anything, I can see heads shaking in disbelief, mine included.. buuuuttt.

 

I'm happy/excited I did though, it's nice to be complimented, the ex never did this, (infact I didn't get one compliment the whole time we were together), both guys seem straight up and I liked it, yes it is distracting me from the break up and rightly or wrongly I'm feeling good about the two guys I'm talking too. (I blocked 6).

 

Both men didn't want to be on the dating site either (my opening line on my ad).

 

Baby steps - no rush... no obligation, honesty from the start. Yes I know I'm naughty.

[Lisii]

I went to the Mountain bike thing at the Turkish restaurant tonight and out of all people you turned up with a couple you are hosting atm. Why did you take them there?? I told you yesterday that I'd be there with Ella and the girls, I didn't see you arrive, I saw you driving past and figured you were going to the movies. Ella saw you walk in and she said hello - I was busy talking to the guy sitting next to me and didn't notice, when we went to leave I quickly popped my head in to say hello. You got up and hugged me which was nice. - I was really saddened at how much weight you have put on in the last month, I'm really worried (so is Ella), you told me before that 10 years ago you were overweight and suicidal... I'm scared you are unhealthy physically and mentally. Please be careful. its not a little weight - it's a lot.

 

What I don't get is that you rolled your eyes at me. I was talking to Jane about weddings, and mentioned how I was a bridesmaid for (L) this year and how hard it was for me as I don't like my photo taken. You smirked - I know it use to get to you - my shyness in front of the camera, - you never tried to understand why, it was because of what he did to me. What you did tonight was mean, childish. Maybe you are trying to justify the reason for our split by focusing on my bad points, idk.

 

sorry.

[Lisii]

woohoo we finished the app at work !! not bad for a team of four I'm so proud of my boys - we celebrated our awesomeness with champagne !! and food - OMG I can't move sooo much food - i couldn't touch the lime pie... barf..

 

Went to his place again today to get was only there for 30 minutes, it was great, he still had the couple with him, they are also trying to sort an app - haha ours worked first teehee - Yay being on the A team (sorry have to gloat). I wonder if we did better because we worked until we dropped, He had Starbucks takeaways and Subway takeaway and Burger King wrappers everywhere - it was a sad site. Hmmmm - i gave him a big hug - the weirdness was ok today, I walked away feeling good.

 

Came home to a freshly mowed lawn and a vacuumed house - the boys did well even though they did hassle me by phone all day!!!!

[Lisii]

Not sure what today will bring - I'm very alive and happy! and so disorganised with the Christmas Shopping!!!!

 

Last night I went back on the OLD, and both men that I have been talking contacted me - I have a date next weekend with the Engineer - Oh wow, I need to take this really slow. It's uncanny this guy is like a twin, we have all the same tastes, wine, food, travel, career, environment, animals and his idol when he was little was the same as mine, and! he has the same book that inspired him - which he was given for Christmas when he was 8 (same) - I still have mine!! trying not to die.

 

The security guy grew up in my town and he got every one of my jokes from when I was living here 25 years ago, it was so refreshing that we also had the same memories! by 11pm his 4 word replies had grown to paragraphs and laughter... I think I'm going to have a dilemmia in a couple of weeks, these two guys are so lovely and sincere. He would like to meet on Monday, I'm going to put it off until my boys leave next weekend.

 

I'm so naughty... and nervous, and in so much trouble with my friends! Emma is going to kill me!

 

Engineer just sent me a good morning flower on the site. Calm down Lisii, Calm down!

 

I wrote a letter of gratitude to the exbf yesterday (not to send, I will chuck it) I worry so much about him. He's drowning in work and not delegating, so seriously disorganised (which is normal for him), its frustrating and heart breaking. - Still its not my business, I need to detach. .. (not easy my heart sinks thinking about him)

 

Mmm, thinking I will get up and make poached eggs for my two sons for breakfast, they need a treat after all the hard work they did yesterday, and I need to distract myself

[Lisii]

Yay for Sunday morning lie in.

 

I am lying in bed, listening to the birds outside (thankfully the neighbours rooster isn't around this morning), very blissful. I have to go into work in a hour to sort out this app and test before all the users log in - exciting much!

 

Mr Engineer and I have exchanged ph numbers, we txt'd last night, He's such a sweetie, and his photo's are lovely! - no Toothy smiles though, so I'm scared that this might be his only fault - I have a thing about teeth... Its my only deal breaker - along with hygiene and motivation... oh boy am I shallow? - nope can't be - just my standards.

 

Mr Security sent me his number last night, I sent him a wake up hello demanding chocolate (its an ongoing joke)

 

Had my eldest son alone last night, we ended up watching Ridiculous 6 - so funny - so inappropriate! we laughed so hard

 

exbf has been on Facebook working, sending out a lot of notifications and ads, I'm so scared he's over doing it, I found out there is now another project in the pipeline, stupid time for him to be thinking of something else when he is working 7days a week already. I have a feeling he's about to burn out. He's not looking so good, I feel hopeless.

 

Time to hit the shower and be constructive. I will pop in to see Emma on the way home from work, looking forward (not) to her giving me the earbashing that I rightly deserve in regards to the OLD.

[Lisii]

I can't sleep

 

tonight I went with the kids and exbf to see Star Wars - (it was awesome!) I have a feeling that this is the last time the exbf and I will do something socially together. It felt weird. Not horrible weird but vibey off in a way. He's starting to only talk to me about work, so guessing it's all he feels safe talking to me about (mind you its his whole life, he has nothing but his work) I miss talking about the weird and the wonderful with him. hmmm

 

Mr Engineer is so lovely, turns out we even have the same camping trip planned this new year - so I would have met him regardless of the OLD, haha! well I feel the fool, it could have happened naturally ... shucks! Oh I hope we have the Zing, we are only txting, we have a lot in common.- We are meeting on Sunday (I think) , Mr Security wanted to met on Sunday too, but he ruined it by asking for a photo of my "...." , Who does that with someone they don't know! - yeah, I know, but honestly it was black and white on my profile that I wouldn't put up with it... and here he goes and tries... sigh... block.

 

I'm a little zoned out, I'm not depressed, more annoyed, but not really annoyed at anything in particular. Shoot I'm turning Grumpy! I just need sleep!! sigh..

[Lisii]

Last night I went to my friend Emma's met up with another friend I hadn't seen in a while - It was a lovely girls night in with my boys running around in the background. I'm so lucky I have such good friends, Em gave me my Christmas Present which was a Maori dictionary (I had mentioned I would like to learn Te Reo next year - guess I have to do it now!)

 

Texts with Mr Engineer today, he is so lovely - He calls me Lovely Lisii .. bliss!

 

My sister just txted, she has been in a car accident - whiplash, her car is a Writeoff, - she's more concerned about the poor guy who smashed into her has he has no insurance and will be paying this off for years to come - sweetness, I hope she is ok, it's not fair how life gives some people tests are tests, she's so strong. Can't wait to see her and her family tomorrow.

 

I'm not very excited about Christmas - I haven't wrapped anything yet - Though the Cherries arrive yesterday - I've been handing them around to friends.

 

Christmas will be odd I will have the boys, but will still feel left out with my sis her hubby and mum & dad being coupled. - it's a weird feeling, hopefully it will be hot enough outside so we can do some water skiing and go on the Ski-biscuit.

 

30 mins left of work and then holidays ! whoopie!

[Lisii]

Christmas morning Yay! made it.

 

I spoke to the ex yesterday for work and wished his mum and him a very merry Christmas - He actually remembered to say it back. It's funny out of all the facebook messages from friends he did not wish anyone a Merry Christmas, he just said Thank you... It's amazing what I see now that I didnt see before, he's very selfish (not in a horrible way, just unaware)

 

I have organised my date with Mr Engineer for Sunday. we are going to walk around some local springs and if we hit it off and have the ZING we will move on from there - ekkk nervous and excited.

 

I had my Sister, and her family come to dinner last night to celebrate my brother in laws and my birthday, It was so lovely, My sister has been through so much lately, she looked pale and has lost a lot of weight. I wish our family wasn't clouded with all this illness.

 

The kids are so happy with their Christmas pressies, We are about to leave to meet up with friends before moving onto Christmas lunch with the family. The boys gave me a beautiful Hanging diamond necklace (ha I paid for it - they chose it) and soaps and hand creams - very girlie and special (so unsual) - I'm getting a Nutribullet from mum - my little man can not keep a secret to save himself!!

 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, there will be a lot of loneliness out there and I send my love and hugs to all that need it. (I know I do)