A Long Road Back?

[Raoul]

Three years ago, I withdrew from a 2 1/2 year relationship. We were both going through a lot and she broke so many dates that I figured she was trying to end it. I thought that would be it.

 

But I wanted to try again and, even though she was 'seeing someone' when I first contacted her (he is out of the picture now), we did meet. I persisted in informal contact and getting together. We've been seeing each other for 18 months, first at long intervals and for all this year nearly every week, mostly for evening walks (see below). We are also in frequent telephone and text contact mostly if I initiate.

 

Things between us seemed to be getting much better when her ex-husband 'health-crashed' in March and died in June (a complicated but definitely-done-for-over twelve-years relationship for her). She became his full-time caregiver until he died during which they made peace with each other which I think is great.

 

It was obvious to me that (at least for a while) she needs a friend and some help more than a lover so I've been helping with both emotional (listening) and practical things (like getting her to/from the airport for business trips). He's been dead 5 months now. She is still dealing with grief from that and a lot of turmoil from the huge mess he left her to clean up - money, bills, house... She clearly needs time to sort both her emotions and her life. She is very independent (which I love) though I am allowed to help a bit.

 

So we are (kinda, sorta) dating. We've even had several romantic moments (if she has a glass or so of wine) Mostly we go for weekly walks where we enjoy each others' company, talk and share a quick, light dinner. There are some hugs and kisses as we part. She is painfully careful to be polite yet seems to hold back on anything more.

 

Frankly - it's killin' me. I wonder that the time I've spent doing this, especially since ex-h's death, hasn't frozen me into her seeing me as a good-guy friend. Don't get me wrong, she is affectionate and always says what a good time we have together. And I do get the grief and burden she's dealing with.

 

I'm just about ready to tell her that I will do anything she asks but that my feelings for her are causing me real trouble and I need to figure out how to handle it. I don't want to push her. Neither do I want to end up being just her very good friend.

 

I know this is long. But I'd like some perspective from you here to see if you believe that this can be a real romantic relationship and if so, how.

 

Thanks for looking in on this!

[musicman777]

Raoul, I think you need to let this one go. I think you should just find a different women who will give you the proper time and attention. For one, you two were in a relationship and it ended a while ago. I think real love after 2 1/2 years shouldn't end, you shouldn't get tired of people and want to leave them.

 

Number two - for whatever reason, you forced yourself back into her life. You contacted her, you initiate everything. It doesn't sound like she is the one doing a whole lot of the work in tis aspect. Don't they say relationships are a give and take? Answer this; if you just quit talking and quit initiating for weeks/a month on end, what would happen? Would she take much notice and try to keep you in her life? Would she start initiating and doing things? If not, you have your answer.

 

And it sounds to me like you are getting the friend zone treatment more than romance. Lastly she is also going through a lot right now including her ex-husbands death. I don't know, sounds like she has a lot of baggage and doesn't really connect that strongly with you and you are wasting your time.

[lostandhurt]

Hey Raoul,

 

Good to see you but wish it was in better circumstances.

 

So you are on the verge of friendzone and you are an emotional crutch is what I am reading. Being there for someone you care about is great and I applaud you for helping her out like you are but you do really need to know how she views you. Are you a really good friend or are you the man in her life that she would like something more with but the timing is bad at the moment?

 

I don't think it would be pushy for you to ask her where she sees your friendship going. You can explain to her that you have a strong attraction to her both physically and emotionally and you need to know how she feels about you because if it isn't reciprocated you can guard your heart and try and just view her as a friend that will be nothing more.

 

You may hear an answer you do not want to hear but at least you will know and can move on emotionally from her.

 

How about this: "I don't want to come off pushy or insensitive but I have strong feelings for you and if you don't never see what we have becoming more than just friendship I need to start protecting my heart and learn to put aside the feelings I have and try and just be a friend"

 

Tough thing to bring up but it needs to be done.

 

Lost

[Raoul]

Are you a really good friend or are you the man in her life that she would like something more with but the timing is bad at the moment?

 

As usual 'Lost' you find the crux. Thanks. Friend or man in her life? It's hard to tell really. But there is no question at all that my timing is awful. There just really didn't seem to be another choice when 'he' cratered.

[lostandhurt]

Listen Raoul it has been 5 months and he was her 12 years ago ex husband right?

 

Time to ask the tough questions buddy. If she doesn't know now she isn't that into you other than a friend. Meanwhile you are wasting valuable emotional real estate on her.

 

I am pretty sure she knows how you feel but you need to step up and ask how she feels. The fact that you made this thread means your gut is telling you something and it isn't good news...

 

Lost