Help. Ex boyfriend re-appeared after 4.5 months but doesn't know what he wants.

[Jellybean01]

Help please, I could really use some advice and reassurance.

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me back in June after dating for around 10 months. We are both early thirties by the way. From my perspective it was completely out of the blue as I thought everything had been going well (he had only recently properly introduced me to his mum etc). He couldn't really tell me what the problem was other than he didn't know if he felt strongly enough for me and thought I deserved more. It hit me hard, I cried, but I accepted it and didn't beg or anything. He wanted to be friends (and I believe he is genuine about this) but I told him I didn't think I could at the moment. After that I saw him a couple of times (to collect my stuff and for something we had pre-planned) and texted a couple of times (always initiated by me but not frequent) but since August I had no contact other than remaining Facebook friends and him liking almost everything I posted. I had not forgotten about him and still missed him often but I have been on a few dates (none successful), joined a social group in my local area and was trying to move on.

 

Fast forward to last weekend and he texted me out of the blue. We chatted for about an hour and he asked if he could come over to my place. He pretty much begged me and eventually I agreed. When he arrived he gave me a massive hug and couldn't keep his hands off me. We talked a lot and he admitted to being confused. He said he had missed me, missed spending time with me, loved me, had been waiting for me to get in touch, etc and had doubts. He also talked about the break up - he said he'd felt trapped, he'd got scared as he'd never been in a long term relationship before and that his best friend getting married around that time had made him think about his life and he didn't know what he wanted. Long story short I ended up sleeping with him (mistake I know).

 

The next day I woke up feeling confused as he had never actually said he wanted to get back together and I had no idea where I stood. I texted him again and he just said he was confused too and needed to work out what he wanted but didn't want to hurt me. I told him he wasn't being fair to me and got a little upset then I said it would be best if I just gave him space. I intended not to contact him again.

 

All week he's been on my mind and I really wanted to just talk to him. I was annoyed that he felt he could just keep me hanging there and seemed to assume I would just take him back if/when he wanted it. We texted again this weekend and he was friendly but avoided talking about anything personal. He said he wants to see me again soon but is still not committing to a relationship. He has said he still doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to hurt me. Clearly me pestering him to talk was not helping and I was annoyed at myself for doing it so I have now told him that I will leave him alone, that I can't deal with being left hanging on, that I am assuming this will come to nothing and that I can't be friends any time soon. He apologised for making me feel like I was left hanging on but never replied about not being friends, although I know he wants to - that was last night.

 

I'm going back to no contact as I don't want someone who can't decide whether I'm the one for them or not and don't want him to think he's in control. But despite what I told him, I'm still hopeful he'll come round and all of this has really thrown me off track. I'm missing him more than ever and he's constantly on my mind. Looking back, I felt from the beginning that he would be back one day, and even now deep down I feel he will be back again. All of this has reignited the hope I had. I really just need to get him out of my mind and move on but I'm finding it hard and I do want him back even if I tell myself I don't. Is there any hope? Can we ever just be friends? Am I doing the right thing or should I agree to see him occasionally and just keep it friendly without the pressure?

[Waraqqa]

You did the right thing by going back to no contact and reestablishing the boundaries. I understand how he might feel, we all have been confused at some point or other. However, and as you are cognisant of it yourself, you deserve someone who know what they want. Until and unless he does, you should not interact or entertain him. And don't get sucked into his interactions. You made a mistake, and you know it. But now learn from it, and be resolved from hence into the future.

 

"I'm going back to no contact as I don't want someone who can't decide whether I'm the one for them or not"

" have now told him that I will leave him alone, that I can't deal with being left hanging on, that I am assuming this will come to nothing and that I can't be friends any time soon"

The above two parts you did right, keep listening to your deep inner self, see reality how it is and not how you'd like it to be, and stay resolved! A "friendship" is not really a good idea here. You both feel more, but with his hesitations and lack of certainty you'd be vulnerable, and it's just dangerous.

[mhowe]

Nothing has changed from when he originally left except you slept with him again. He is still xondued. He still doesnt want .to commit. You cannot be friends with him. He doesn't need space. He got what he wanted which was sex.

 

Back to NC and block his number as you don't have the will power to see him and not crumnle.

[greta96]

You need to give up on the notion that he doesn't know if you're the one for him, because he's already showed you that he knows you're *not* the day he broke up with you. He already decided he doesn't want a relationship with you, a long time ago. Why is he coming back for sex? Because this is what exes do! If they genuinely cared for you, they wouldn't be exes. But they almost always hit up their previous partners for sex, because if you think about it, what better person to give them an easy lay than the one whose ego and heart they shattered, and who they know would give anything to have them back? And they do it because most of the time it works, the dumpees are generally very willing to have sex with them, because they hope it would rekindle things and they would be taken back as partners. Unfortunately, that rarely happens.

 

So , since there is no gentle way to put it, he used you for sex, and he would love to keep you as a f*ck buddy of course (who says no to easy sex???), but will never like you or want you as his partner and he will never commit to you. Don't be this gullible again, surely you can see right through his actions?

 

Now, it's up to you if you want to keep being his toy whenever he feels horny, under the guise of "friendship" (and NO, you can not have a pure friendship with an ex who dumped you, only a FWB situation), only to be thrown away the moment he meets a woman he falls in love with and wants to have a proper relationship with, or you do the best thing you can do for yourself and cut him out of your life for good. Since clearly you are very vulnerable when it comes to him, I think you'd be better off blocking him, so you are not tempted to respond to him next time he needs sex. We both know he won't come out and tell you "I am horny and want sex", but he will try to mess with your mind and heart again with the same old bull$hit about how he can't stay away from you but he doesn't know what he wants (yeah, right!) and he will tell you everything you want to hear, and before you know it you'll be used again. So better to save yourself the heartache and block him, so you can give yourself a chance to move on and meet someone who knows he wants to be with you. And never, in the future, listen to words and take them as facts - you need to watch one's actions over a period of time, before jumping in bed with them.

[Jellybean01]

I appreciate both your advice. I already acknowledged I made a mistake in sleeping with him and it's not one I intend to repeat. I don't question my willpower as I managed three months of not contacting him despite the fact that I wanted to often. All I would say is I know this guy and I do believe he was genuine about missing me and don't think it was all just after one thing. The one thing that has changed is that he is now willing to admit that he's having doubts which he wouldn't before (when he broke up he seemed quite certain even though I know now he wasn't). I have absolutely no intention of being friends with him unless or until he says something more concrete, at least not whilst I still have feelings for him, but part of me does hope we can be friends one day.

[mhowe]

You have the strength NOT to contact him. However...you don't have the strength to not buy his BS when he contacts you. He broke up with you because he was confused about his feelings. Nothing has changed. Missing you isn't the same as clarity. He still doesn't "understand" what he wants.

 

In order for you to regain some clarity, you need to block him. Friendship with a guy who dumped you is not possible. Or recommended.

[Jellybean01]

If he is or was planning on using me for anything I actually think it's for company, rather than sex, as I think he's lonely. I am very conscious of not being the toy or the one he throws away when he meets someone else which is why I've told him all along that I can't be friends and didn't contact him (and had no intention of doing either).

[Jellybean01]

Mhowe I know you are right, sigh, but I can't block him and to be honest I'm sure he would find a way to get in touch if he wanted to. I just need to be more aware next time he does and not fall for it again.

[mhowe]

Using you because he is lonely...is still using you. To keep him "company" until he figures out what he wants. Respect yourself enough to not allow this and be available to someone who values you for what you have to offer.

 

When my ex reappeared after about the same time frame, he came back and said "I have made the greatest mistake of my life walking away from you. I am so sorry and while I don't deserve a 2nd chance I never stopped loving you and hope that you can forgive me but I understand if you cannot."

 

See the difference? And then he proceed to prioritize me in a way he had never done before.

[greta96]

If he is or was planning on using me for anything I actually think it's for company, rather than sex, as I think he's lonely. I am very conscious of not being the toy or the one he throws away when he meets someone else which is why I've told him all along that I can't be friends and didn't contact him (and had no intention of doing either).

 

This is exactly it...he dumped you thinking he would meet someone else immediately and everything would be great...or, he already had someone else in mind. Then once he dumped you, his plans didn't pan out as he thought they would, hence him being horny and lonely and trying to throw you a few breadcrumbs. This is the most dangerous reason for an ex to pop back into your life, because it's not dictated by genuine feelings for you, it's only because he doesn't want to be alone and not have sex.

But you already know this, whether you want to admit it or not. I know you can't possibly feel good about what happened, and you do seem to know what you have to do. If he ever reappears, watch his feet not his mouth, and do not let him come over to your place (or go to his) for a very long time, no sex what so ever for at least 3 months or even longer, until you see his actions are those of a man who knows he wants to be with you. You'll see how quickly he disappears when he sees there would be no sex from you. Seriously, I know you think your situation is different, but it's more common than you think. I'm pretty sure most of us have had at least one ex who tried to weasel their way back in our lives for some sex, it's just what they do.

[Jellybean01]

Yep, I do know it all. I think his begging to see me got me thinking maybe I would hear the "I made a terrible mistake" speech. I didn't but once he was there I tried and failed to resist him. I still think there's a chance I may hear that at some point but I'm not waiting for it (and wasn't before). The one positive thing is that I finally got some answers to the questions I had that I had been struggling to understand.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to be blunt here. I did this with my last ex for six years. It was nearly identical to what this guy did to you and is doing to you now. He did it six times in six years and I finally found out this would happen whenever he thought he had another girl lined up or decided he could do better than me. Then when he'd crash and burn or get rejected he'd come back and talk me into being friends/dating/having a relationship again. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

 

And I finally got sick of it and broke things off altogether and moved on. It's a false hope that he'll ever "come around" because sane people who are ready for a healthy committed relationship do not do the things this guy is and has been doing to you. Ever.

 

I'm sorry, but he will pull this on you exactly as long and as much as you let him and it will never get better, because this is his issue--not yours--his. This is the pattern he has established with you and yes other women, because you are not the only one he is doing this with or will do this with. I'm sorry to say that, but I learned the hard way this is actually you being his backburner girl. and as long as you let it he will play you because he isn't sane to begin with.

 

Keep that in mind, you have a man with emotional or mental issues on your hands. If you would never do that to someone then don't accept it when someone does it to you. Find other people to date, this one is a dead end. Or you can waste six years of your life you never get back like I did before moving on to find a great, sane loving healthy emotionally partner. Your choice.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. It sounds as though he wasn't clear with you about his confusion before the sex--that would have killed that.

 

I'm not raising this to nail this guy as some master manipulator, but this is pretty common stuff. If he left the door open for you to hope for reconciliation, he knows that he can revisit you with sad claims of loneliness, and you'll fold.

 

Then it's sudden--and convenient--confusion again. The poor guy.

 

Head high. You deserve better than this.