advice appreciated please!!

[dearesthelples]

Okay, first post and I am after some advice, I'll start off by saying I'm 25 and have been with my fiancée 3 years now.

 

Our relationship first started off on a strange note and we moved in together fairly quickly, 6 months after we first started dating I feel pregnant with our first son, this was a blessing as I was expecting to need IVF to help with fertility.

5 1/2 months into my pregnancy I went in to very early labour and my son passed away. This clearly destroyed my life. I'm still and will never be over it.

My partner also didn't handle it well but never sought after help, he blamed the death on me and was downright rude.

A couple of months later after a drunken night I fall pregnant again... My fiancée first did not want me to keep my baby, to which I was never going to oblige to.

 

After all this my son was born 36 weeks, happy but with problems of his own, not to mention a month in NICU (where I was there alone most of the time every single day and night) but he also is diagnosed with cerebral palsy.

 

Okay, so my son is now 15 months and I am studying my diploma in nursing part-time, Aside from everything I am still the person whom does everything in the house, look after my son 24/7 (minus my amazing mother having him while I'm at school) I cook, clean, wash, etc etc, everything people do. Yet my partner doesn't do anything. He is often overly rude to me, swears constantly, degrades me and more in front of my son, I feel as if we are inadequate to him.

This emotional abuse has been happening for way too long but has just started getting worse since the birth of my son, he also doesn't allow me to have a life outside of the home life as he is overly jealous.

He was also recently physical with me in front of our son to which i took my son and left him for a few days. We talked things through and he agreed he couldn't be without us and would do his best to change (I stupidly thought he would yet this is a common saying from him, yet I once again feel manipulated)

 

Anyway.. Nothing has changed, he's still the same selfish man.

 

Over the last year I have developed strong feelings for a long time friend of mine. Have very recently been told by him that he also has these feelings. I would never have mentioned anything to him apart from having these feelings for a year. We have kissed on a few odd occasions and I feel horrible about it, but I feel strongly for him.

 

Now of course, this isn't just my life to think about, it is my sons.

 

What do I do about this, should I continue to try and work on a relationship that doesn't feel like it would last, even though he is the father of my children? Or should we cut ties and make a new life separated?

 

Sorry for the life story, just thought I should add in main aspects of our life to give you all the best idea of our relationship! Thankyou in advance.

 

X

[ThatwasThen]

Leave your husband but certainly don't do it to be with a man that you've been having an emotional affair with. Do it so that you and your son are away from a horrible man who is a horrible partner and an awful father figure to your son.

 

Once gone, (see a lawyer first to make sure you're doing things that are within your rights and that he is going to be made to honour his financial duties to your child) then work on getting your nursing degree and being a good and positive mother to your special needs son. He is going to need all of you for a good while and you don't need to be jumping into a relationship with someone you barely know except for stolen moments alone. Worry about a relationship when you are over the breakup and have a steady, calm life going well with your son.

 

You will more likely then not find jumping from one relationship into another will not work out well for anyone.

 

Be well and my condolences for the loss.

[dearesthelples]

Thankyou very much for your quick response, I value your response and am thankful to get insight from somebody whom doesn't personally know my family. Thankyou again.

[dgrlife]

Hi, OMG I feel really bad for you, but..first of all, you have to get out of that awful situation asap. Trust me, things will not get better. Men don't just change all of a sudden.

I was trying to change my husband for 18 years till I realized I have to think about my own happiness too. I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your son right now. Don't jump into another relationship right away. Can you move in with your mom for a while till you finish school. Then work on your own self esteem. Maybe do something for yourself once a week, like meeting with other women in a group. Maybe taking a yoga class to clear your mind. Whatever it is that you like to do, just do it. Remember that you will not be able to love anyone completely till you find love for yourself first. That includes your son. So start changing the situation today. Do not wait for life to pass you by. I am praying for you. Good luck.

[dias]

Why did he blame you the first time that your pregnancy didn't fare well ? I could see that someone could feel frustrated because his son has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy but it's not anyone's fault . He doesn't have the prerogative to denigrate you or to be impudent towards you,notably in front of your son. Walk away. Live with your mother until you become emotionally and financially more stable. He seems a little bit insane so be careful .