livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Hey everyone! So i just would like to hear some feedback from you all about my current situation: I'm 25 years old and dating a guy who's 24, the 1 year age-difference hardly an issue for me. In any case, we've been dating for about 2 & a half months now, we've been intimate and had sex, and I haven't seen him in 3 weeks. (Keep in mind, he lives about 10 minutes away from me, driving-distance) We were supposed to hang out this past Sunday but he was texting me throughout the day to let me know that us hanging out would be a matter of whether he could finish these assignments, which I completely understood. Long story short, by 10PM, I hadn't heard from him so I texted him myself to basically let him know that once he has the time to see me again, he'll let me know. Hadn't heard from him all day monday, and then Tuesday, he texts me with a "hey what's up?!" and proceeds to tell me about the cold he has and how he doesn't feel like going to class - small-talk, essentially. I also hadn't seen him the last 2 weeks of September, and he then asked me himself to hang out, so we went out one evening where he said he missed me and hadn't seen me in what felt like forever. Mind you, he had poker night with his buddies this past Friday, which is why he couldn't make time to hang out until Sunday. Prior to his school semester starting, we hadn't talked in a few days because he was busy with "work and getting ready for school and stuff", and so i outright asked him via text if he still wanted to even keep doing this because we'd both have hectic school semesters coming up. His response was "Yeah sure we can make things work Thoughts and suggestions? Link to comment
DoF Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 No Sex early on the relationship = the best player/dog filter woman has You failed at it, and will need to learn the hard way. Of course your friends are right....listen to them, cause right now your mind is all cloudy,foggy and you are completely BLIND, thanks to.......drum roll....intimacy. Stay away not just to filter out dogs but also to invest time and get to know the person, prevent missing red flags/getting cloudy. It also puts your relationship into over drive and you end up missing crucial building blocks....among many other things you simply don't' know yet. If this guy really liked you he would be at your house every min humping you right now anways, but he is not, cause he already got his cookie and probably moved on to get more cookies from other girls like you. I would also recommend STD test.....regardless if you used protection or NOT. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 You are wasting your time. Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 I couldn't agree more - although we've only had sex once, I think I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't realize it was happening too soon. Looking back, I do think it's more difficult now to walk away without a second thought because we have gotten intimate. I know sex is a natural thing in relationships, or whatever I have going on with him, which is why I let things go all the way. I think i'm more blinded by the cute moments we had: him telling me how nervous I make him, the level of comfort we feel with each other, and the friends of his who i've met really think i'm a perfect fit for him - i'm a sucker for that sappy cuteness, i can't help it (but i know i have to help it). I'm relying on me staying away to help screw my head on straight at this point. He says he's so "swamped" with work, and he's so busy with this and that, but I hope he isn't out there getting "cookie" from other girls - i also need to be realistic, which I know. We did use protection, but a test will absolutely happen. Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 That's the vibe I'm getting as well, unfortunately. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 It's ok, you would not be the first or last young lady to do this. LEARN FROM IT is the best thing you can do now!!! When a young boy tells you something, focus on their ACTION, not words. ACTIONS speak louder than words. Most young boys will tell you ANYTHING you want to hear, to get between your legs. Even the good ones...... Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 It's ok, you would not be the first or last young lady to do this. LEARN FROM IT is the best thing you can do now!!! When a young boy tells you something, focus on their ACTION, not words. ACTIONS speak louder than words. Most young boys will tell you ANYTHING you want to hear, to get between your legs. Even the good ones...... I'm definitely sure of that, so it's comforting to know. Without a doubt, I have to understand that things need to progress on a deeper level first and foremost. 100%, some of these guys are quality charmers and you get lured in without even realizing how far things have gone and it's much easier to tell myself that i need to keep my distance than i think it will be to do it. I'll do my absolute best though. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 He doesn't sound invested into you.I doubt whether there is much future in this relationship.This is something you're either going to have to accept or move on. Obviously the little gestures, like texting or making special plans is something you need and he can't (or won't) give it to you. Life is short, find a guy who would Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 He doesn't sound invested into you.I doubt whether there is much future in this relationship.This is something you're either going to have to accept or move on. Obviously the little gestures, like texting or making special plans is something you need and he can't (or won't) give it to you. Life is short, find a guy who would Unfortunately, that's the way I've been feeling too, and I consistently gave him the benefit of the doubt because I think he's a great guy. I want to not make a mountain out a of a molehill because he could just be stressed with schoolwork and work, and his friends tell me he's sucky with texting, but there are too many things that seem ridiculous to me. I have to accept it and move on, there's nothing else to do. I doubt he takes it seriously but I did want to address the situation when I see him next time, but "next time" is not showing signs of happening soon. Life is incredibly short, and I really don't want to waste time senselessly. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I'm definitely sure of that, so it's comforting to know. Without a doubt, I have to understand that things need to progress on a deeper level first and foremost. 100%, some of these guys are quality charmers and you get lured in without even realizing how far things have gone and it's much easier to tell myself that i need to keep my distance than i think it will be to do it. I'll do my absolute best though. Girls do it too, it's human nature, goes for both genders (each side of the story). I was like that, and heck, I got my cookie a month in with my wife of 20 years hehe. The difference between me and your boyfriend was that I couldn't go a day without seeing my wife and invested MOST if not ALL of my time into relationship. I would run over mountains and jump over oceans to be with her. His "lack of time" comments are ALL excuses. If a guy really likes you, he makes time! Good luck Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I guess it depends on what you are looking for. I am not sure this guy has done anything wrong. They both went it to with no expectations and now she has some. If she was looking for a boyfriend than she should have bailed long before she would let 3 weeks go by without seeing each other after having sex. He probably doesn't think he's done anything wrong, that they are casually dating and he's got other things going on that doesn't make her a priority. That doesn't automatically make him a `dog' but it very likely doesn't make him boyfriend material either. Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 Girls do it too, it's human nature, goes for both genders (each side of the story). I was like that, and heck, I got my cookie a month in with my wife of 20 years hehe. The difference between me and your boyfriend was that I couldn't go a day without seeing my wife and invested MOST if not ALL of my time into relationship. I would run over mountains and jump over oceans to be with her. His "lack of time" comments are ALL excuses. If a guy really likes you, he makes time! Good luck I do believe he should be making more time and hopefully I'll get the opportunity to speak to him in-person about this soon. That's what one of my friends said - "if he can find time for poker night, he should be finding time to spend as little as 30 minutes or an hour with you", which sucks to hear, but it is true. Thank you for your advice, I greatly appreciate it! Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 I guess it depends on what you are looking for. I am not sure this guy has done anything wrong. They both went it to with no expectations and now she has some. If she was looking for a boyfriend than she should have bailed long before she would let 3 weeks go by without seeing each other after having sex. He probably doesn't think he's done anything wrong, that they are casually dating and he's got other things going on that doesn't make her a priority. That doesn't automatically make him a `dog' but it very likely doesn't make him boyfriend material either. I've heard from a number of people that I fell too hard too quickly and I shouldn't have let things go on like this for as long as I did. 3 weeks is ridiculous, I'm in awe that I haven't told him off, and that's what's comforting to him - the fact that I don't pressure him for time. He's even told me "i love that about you, you don't nag and push and pressure, and you just let things happen the way they're going. Which is great." All i could do was wonder whether I should thank him or be angry with myself that I hadn't set specific standards and expectations. I think that's definitely what it is - he calls me his "girl", as do his friends who think we've got a great thing going, but he's such a laid-back person that he's got things going on and doesn't think it's a crime to hang out when he feels like hanging out. Nothing bothers him unless it's stress from work and school, which he vents to me about and I suddenly become more of a therapist than the girl he's seeing. Absolutely doesn't make him a dog but his boyfriend-capabilities are questionable. I do want to address this in-person, if that moment ever happens, and I don't want to keep waiting around for a miracle. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 ""I'm in awe that I haven't told him off,"" tell him off for what, exactly? Link to comment
livelovedance Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 ""I'm in awe that I haven't told him off,"" tell him off for what, exactly? The fact that I need to know exactly where we stand because I'm not getting the best of vibes. I get quiet and I push things off thinking that maybe i'm just overreacting about things, but after listening to the way my friends have reasoned, i'm shocked with myself that I haven't laid everything out there on the table and let him know where I stand. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 When you had sex with him your body released bonding hormones which means you feel like you have to make this "work", or else you were just a one night stand, which you cannot tolerate the idea of. Oh, and him praising you for not pressuring him was his way to make sure you never pressure him. In other words, he wanted to make sure you never, ever ask for "more". Finally, you shouldn't have to "talk" him into making more time for you. He either wants to or he doesn't. Apparently, he doesn't, at least until he wants some more pressure-free sex. Don't you think you should want more for yourself? PS: Of course his buddies are going along with it! They are doing the classic "wing-man" routine. Buddies are going to help each other get laid. Plain and simple. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 The fact that I need to know exactly where we stand because I'm not getting the best of vibes. I get quiet and I push things off thinking that maybe i'm just overreacting about things, but after listening to the way my friends have reasoned, i'm shocked with myself that I haven't laid everything out there on the table and let him know where I stand. I wouldn't ask him 'where you stand' if it were me. He is showing you 'where you stand' I would come from a place of confidence and tell him what your values are and what you can and cannot do, respectfully. He then gets to decide to get in line or move out of the way. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 "Nothing bothers him unless it's stress from work and school, which he vents to me about and I suddenly become more of a therapist than the girl he's seeing. " - Well communication is important... But, are you up to dealing with someone who is this 'busy'? Can you keep holding on.. for a time to get together? Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 What was your game plan in dating him? Did you tell him at the beginning that you were just looking to go out with someone (casual), or did you say that you were looking for something "exclusive" (relationship)? The way you describe him, he's just taking things "day by day" with no future in sight. "Laid back", doesn't want to be hassled or controlled. I see references all over this thread that this is a relationship, but that might not be how he sees it. I see "chemistry", but not compatibility (e.g. future goals,...). Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 If you want a relationship, move on. If you want someone to date casually, no reason to end things. Just keep dating others, too. Link to comment
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