Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months, though we still don't live together (I have some personal things I need to wrap up first). And ever since the day we met he has always treated me well. We've spent nearly every night together and he holds me until I fall asleep, we would have sex around four or five times a week initiated by either of us, and we have done virtually everything together that we can. But recently -- the last three months or so -- I've been feeling like he really isn't enjoying being with me as much. He's not as active or into cuddling up together like we used to all the time, he's very short when we talk, and he doesn't seem particularly excited to see me. He used to compliment me all the time but now he doesn't, and I think I can just walk around naked and most of the time he doesn't care; it makes me feel kind of embarrassed to try to be fun and silly but just get no reaction. We have sex maybe once a week and when we do, I always initiate it and it feels bland (though I wouldn't mind this if it wasn't paired with the other lacking things). He's just overall not as affectionate as he used to be, which is something that is extremely important to me in particular as my last relationship was very abusive. Generally, I feel kind of distant to him, and that makes it even harder to enjoy the times we do have. I don't really feel wanted like I used to. I've tried to bring this up to him, but he just gets angry at me for suggesting that he isn't being affectionate. And the one time I did manage to have a conversation about it, he said it's just because I've been tired from my new job, but still when I try to be closer nothing changes. He really just doesn't seem into me anymore even though he swears he is. And I don't feel like I can tell him because he gets so upset at me if I tell him I'm unhappy. He is much older than me (I'm 23) but that was never an issue before, and this was a very sudden change. I don't know if I should just let this relationship go or if there is anything I can do, but I don't think I can continue like this. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 The honeymoon is over. What did you have in common besides the sex and him complimenting you? When you say "I try being closer" what exactly does that entail? How much older is he? And this "I have personal things to wrap up" --- do they entail another relationship? Custody battle? Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 We have plenty of similar interests and hobbies, those were just the things that I noticed changing. We still do have fun together, but it is just strange to see things change so drastically and so quickly. I just still have some classes to wrap up, and also there's a little bit of distance and I don't have the money. I also still have a few legal ties to my parents that I want completely settled before I move too far from them. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Well, he "has" you --- he doesn't need to court you anymore. Is that fair --- not really. Is it normal -- -quite. You guys are at very different stages in life --- you are taking classes, he is on the backside of his career at age 40. You are not independent (possibly living at home?) and he is financially independent. How far is the distance? Distance can get tiring as well. Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 I am mostly independent, but my parents still have my pet's vet bills because I can't quite get that under my belt. For the most part I am on my own. The distance is maybe 45 minutes. Doesn't seem like too much at first but it would be a pain, for me, to be that far away if I'm still going to need to communicate back and forth. And also with my brother's wedding it would be even more helpful to be close. I really just want to be completely settled before I move on, so there's no extra worries. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I am mostly independent, but my parents still have my pet's vet bills because I can't quite get that under my belt. For the most part I am on my own. The distance is maybe 45 minutes. Doesn't seem like too much at first but it would be a pain, for me, to be that far away if I'm still going to need to communicate back and forth. And also with my brother's wedding it would be even more helpful to be close. I really just want to be completely settled before I move on, so there's no extra worries. Does he have another family? (Married before?) Children he is responsible for? Could there be something distracting him at the moment? Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 He's never been married and he doesn't have any children. I've asked if everything is okay -- if something was going on -- a few times and he says everything is fine. I don't want to nag though so I don't really want to ask again. I get really paranoid personally, so I can't help but feel like I did something -- but again, I've been reassured that that isn't the case. I suppose it just comes down to me being insecure and not knowing what to expect. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 This is a totally normal progression for some couples after the honeymoon phase. Age may be playing a role as well. You want more affection, he wants less. This is normal as well. At the end of the day it comes down to what you find important and what you are willing to compromise on. Because this may not change. Link to comment
Miffycat14 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Trust your instincts.. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 " He's just overall not as affectionate as he used to be, which is something that is extremely important to me in particular as my last relationship was very abusive. Generally, I feel kind of distant to him, and that makes it even harder to enjoy the times we do have. I don't really feel wanted like I used to." - This could partly be YOUR problem. You were so used to being 'overly' affectionately from your Bf. Now that he's slowed down you're taking offence to it. But, this is normal. The 'honeymoon phase' is over... things do slow down a bit. Doesn't mean he doesn't stil care for you. Maybe you should think of WHY you feel this way now? Reason being your past? But.. if you're really that 'unhappy' then maybe you need to back out of the relationship.. and spend some time on your own. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 This is a totally normal progression for some couples after the honeymoon phase. Age may be playing a role as well. You want more affection, he wants less. This is normal as well. Not normal AT ALL, quite opposite actually. 20 years into my relationship and affection/intimacy is at an all time high and only seems to get better with age. Sorry Link to comment
surfdiva Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 How much older is he than you? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 What do you have in common with him? In terms of interests, hobbies, topics you like to talk about, etc? I've been in a few LTRs and yes, the lovey-dovey comments and sex freq drops a little when you move out of the honeymoon period. Not completely, but a little. You get used to each other and you no longer have to "court" each other so it's natural. If you two don't have much in common and all you really have is sex and compliments, yeah, that's going to get old really, really, really quickly. Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 We both enjoy games, have interest in the same kinds of books and movies and such, we have a similar sense of humor and we really just get along well at times when nothing is going on. We're both pretty simple and don't require a whole lot of outside activity for the most part. We are comfortable with each other I didn't mean to imply that those other things were all that mattered, but when they drop to being basically nonexistent I do have to wonder. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Do you actually DO things together besides hang out and play video games, watch movies, have sex? I don't mean to be rude ---- but it sounds like you go over to his place, hang out and actually "do" nothing. Just hang out and be "comfortable". The relationship "newness" has worn off. Plan things to do. Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 We do. But I'm trying not to give too terribly much personal information lol Since stuff on this forum is permanent Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Well --- without specifics; you can expect the volume of compliments to go down. You can expect the frequency of sex to go down. If you want to spice things up, in or outside of the bedroom, talk to him about it. If he ignores your concerns --- then the fact of the matter is ---- he is losing interest. Link to comment
hyden Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Not normal AT ALL, quite opposite actually. 20 years into my relationship and affection/intimacy is at an all time high and only seems to get better with age. Sorry Your specific anecdotal experience is irrelevant to the high level view of the overall sum of relationships. Just because your relationship is wonderful (assuming its true, I'm glad for you), it doesnt mean that what was described isnt normal in some (yes, the person typed some...not even most as I might have typed) relationships. Having sex in animal suits is normal in 'some' relationships. So, while I appreciate you plugging in your self-patting on the back, you did so in an incorrect context. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 but still when I try to be closer nothing changes. Again, what does this mean? Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 Just general intimacy. Cuddling and stuff like that. That has not really been happening much at all recently, though frankly I don't feel like it's really that much to ask Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Not normal AT ALL, quite opposite actually. 20 years into my relationship and affection/intimacy is at an all time high and only seems to get better with age. Sorry Totally disagree. For some couples, the progression to less affection as they age is fine. It's all about what you're comfortable with. The key is to be able to come to a compromise that satisfies both parties. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 It sounds like the novelty has worn off for him. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Just general intimacy. Cuddling and stuff like that. That has not really been happening much at all recently, though frankly I don't feel like it's really that much to ask Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but "cuddling" isn't generally a guys idea of fun. They "cuddle" before or after sex in order to get sex! "Cuddling" on the couch while watching a movie? Or the NFL --- not so much. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I think you are thinking way too much about what he wants, if he's upset, what he's thinking, whether he's bored. What about you? You don't sound happy. In my opinion, it makes sense to look at it as a series of steps: 1. You tell him in a non-accusatory way that you are feeling that you're growing distant from each other. 2. You tell him specifically what you mean by that so he knows what actions to take. 3. You tell him what actions you plan to take as well, based on any concerns he has about the relationship. 4. If things don't change in a reasonable amount of time with effort from both sides, you end the relationship. I realize it's not as unemotional as that, but sometimes you just have to break it down. Speculating on whether he's this or that is futile. Link to comment
Laura29 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 It's not just that (the cuddling thing), I was just trying to give a general idea of what I meant since my original statement didn't really say anything. Just a hug here or there would be nice Though it is a pretty important thing to me so if you are right then this just isn't going to work, quite frankly Link to comment
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