Astrogirl Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Was it your ex who ended your relationship? Yes, I have a feeling that's exactly what he's going to say Link to comment
beanpot Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Was it your ex who ended your relationship? Yes, I have a feeling that's exactly what he's going to say Unfortunately it's more complicated than than... We've both broken up with each a couple of times. I did it this last time in a moment of frustration and pain. That was the last straw. Link to comment
Astrogirl Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Beanpot, You sound like you're in the same situation as myself. I ended it because of frustration and pain. Do you think the dumpees know we still love them therefore know that at some point we'll re-enter their lives? Link to comment
beanpot Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I immediately regretted my words after they came out of my mouth and begged for her back. Typical story right... I've beaten myself to a pulp a million times over. My mind has become a playground for what-if scenarios. I've pleaded with God to turn back time. However... when I wake up in the same bed the next morning, I know I can only move forward and trudge along to recovery. Unfortunately in my case I don't have any say regarding whether or not I will get a chance to be in her life again. For 3 months... I held onto hope that I could be invited back. If you are indeed in a similar situation to me... whether or not we get to be in the other person's life is going to be mostly up to them. I say mostly because... if I had the opportunity right now I would absolutely say yes. But I don't know what the future holds if NC goes on for 6 months, a year, 2 years, etc... I don't know how I will feel down the line... And this is a worry of mine, that she'll become a stranger again to me. But I've come to terms with all possible scenarios now, for better or worse. My ex does know that I love her though. Before final NC... I wrote a short letter showing her my heart, my love, my everything. Sorry hijacked your thread. To answer your question again... I don't know if we can so sure that we will get the chance to re-enter their lives. It is out of our control unfortunately. Coming to terms with that was the most difficult thing for me. But once I reached the ability to do that... I moved onto another level of healing. Link to comment
Astrogirl Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 beanpot you haven't hijacked my thread. I thank you so much for your advice and your own experience. Really my ex should be saying sorry to me. For forgetting I could have cancer; for cheating on me; for making up a vile email address at my expense; for lying; for not caring. I'm crazy to want to be with a man who did these things to me and so much more... Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Dottie, I actually feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I can't understand I am feeling like this over a man who treated me so poorly. I understand. I am in a similar situation. Only in our case, we did not maintain NC. I should have, probably. But I thought it would be easier "gradually", as last year (when we had broken up for the first time). Having got to another brief but painful altercation over Facebook on Sunday, I only feel crappier. And on Sunday, I actually was told where to go. So, it is better to maintain distance. I also have this big question for myself: WHY do I feel such emotional dependence on someone who, in essence, doesn't love me and treated me very selfishly?? I had always fallen for loving and caring people who truly loved me. How could I be feeling like this now?? I've missed him and questioned and second-guessed every single step I had made, digging in the past. I did somethings wrong (e.g. was verbally harsh in the aftermath. Which is exactly why I have to say silent. When I don't, I go to one of the extremes: either soggy doormat who misses him, or a Gorgon Medusa regurgitating how he hurt me. In comparison, you are doing GREAT! I congratulate you on your strength!! Link to comment
Astrogirl Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Waraqqa, Thank you for your kind words. I understand why you feel contact has been painful while you see NC as the best option. I find me questioning myself and actually wonder if I should have made contact. I suppose going to one extreme to another like yourself. I know it seems I've maintained my dignity, but so has he. I know that is only fair to him but I swear if he made contact I would speak to him very civilly. Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Waraqqa, Thank you for your kind words. I understand why you feel contact has been painful while you see NC as the best option. I find me questioning myself and actually wonder if I should have made contact. I suppose going to one extreme to another like yourself. I know it seems I've maintained my dignity, but so has he. I know that is only fair to him but I swear if he made contact I would speak to him very civilly. Well, if 1) as you said, he treated you poorly and 2) he is the one who broke up with you, then really there is no need for contact. He maintained his dignity? it's not like you did smth bad and he is being dignified about it. I'm not really sure any issue of dignity is meaningful with regards to him or applies. But you've been doing well. In my case, I was the one broke up with him. And last week, he messaged me to ask for an NSA (no strings attached) thing. It was his way of getting at least smth from me. I should have left it unanswered or just said "no thanks", but I got emotional, I am still not at a point where I can talk to him calmly - and rejected him in a way that was harsh, judgemental, and I couldn't stop going on about it - NOT dignified. Totally embarrassed. Now he is the one dignified. Not only doesn't talk to me, but I think he unfollowed me on FB also, and whatever bits of affection and respect he had for me are probably gone. Moral of the story: don't do like me. Sometimes you think you'll be all civil and polite, but then emotions get triggered and you lose it. And even if you don't, if you initiate the contact, it won't reflect nicely on you - he broke up with you. If you ever start talking again, it should ONLY come from him and initiated by him. You are right by being scarce and absent. Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Not very long! I made it a good while before I broke down and texted him two weekends ago. The conversation was pointless and went nowhere so I just stopped responding and it's been two weeks. You stopped responding! That is good. In my case, those few conversations were ended by him. I've been worse... I need to take the inspiration from you people!! I'll try to follow your examples!! Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Sorry, Astrogirl - I had missed a few of your posts in the middle and misunderstood the story a little bit. But it doesn't change the substance, it sounds like this guy really was not right for you. I've read somewhere recently that our lives and how we form ourselves is impacted (by smth around 80%? if I'm correct) by our social surroundings. So, we should surround ourselves with the best of the best. Especially for the close inner circle of significant others - that should not be smth suboptimal or smth where our guts cringe inside telling us we could do better. "Nearest and dearest" really should be solid people who love us and whom we can love without undue pain or if they don't fit somehow. And those who are not the best for us, it is good that we saw the wisdom that they aren't. Link to comment
beanpot Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 beanpot you haven't hijacked my thread. I thank you so much for your advice and your own experience. Really my ex should be saying sorry to me. For forgetting I could have cancer; for cheating on me; for making up a vile email address at my expense; for lying; for not caring. I'm crazy to want to be with a man who did these things to me and so much more... Hi Astrogirl... it sounds like this man did some pretty incredibly terrible things to you. I am proud of you for maintaining NC. I don't think you should ever contact him again... He sounds truly like a hopeless individual. That's some pretty rough stuff you described. It's hard. So darn hard I know. Truly truly truly. I can't wait to hear from you when you reach that next stage of healing, when you can finally let go of him and start on your road to recovery. Though increasing the day count on your NC is a very cathartic feeling (certainly was and still is for me), you'll be holding yourself back if you continue to hold out hope. Once I lost all hope... I had a big cry... moped for half an hour, and then started to heal. I wasn't healing when I was NC and holding onto hope; I was keeping the scab open so I could keep feeling the pain and keep looking at the wound. Our situations are similar but different. My ex never did such terrible things to me as you have described. Nor did I do such terrible things to her. We both did walk away from each other at times, and that's where our gulf, our chasm, our pain and instability developed. Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 "I wasn't healing when I was NC and holding onto hope; I was keeping the scab open so I could keep feeling the pain and keep looking at the wound." - Thanks, beanpot. that's what I need to do... Link to comment
beanpot Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 "I wasn't healing when I was NC and holding onto hope; I was keeping the scab open so I could keep feeling the pain and keep looking at the wound." - Thanks, beanpot. that's what I need to do... Stay strong Waraqqa. I have found this forum to be immensely helpful for so many different reasons. I've used it to avoid feeling lonely, I've used it to learn about the errors of my ways, I've used it to learn how to cope and deal with pain, I've used it to maintain NC... Link to comment
Astrogirl Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 Wow, that's some great advice I have had. Thank you. I will try to be strong. I know I shouldn't be bitter but I can't help but feel he's got away with it yet again. Every girl he's been with he's ripped apart. The only difference is: I walked away first. Link to comment
beanpot Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I walked away first. Be proud of that Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Wow, that's some great advice I have had. Thank you. I will try to be strong. I know I shouldn't be bitter but I can't help but feel he's got away with it yet again. Every girl he's been with he's ripped apart. The only difference is: I walked away first. Believe me, there are worse things than "feeling he's got away with it yet again". I had that feeling, and I should have just accepted it and let it slide - because it said more about him than about me. Instead, I got reactive, let myself get triggered and "inflamed" and just HAD to tell him off over and over. It was too much. I shouldn't have "aired my grievances" even if they were completely true. I only came accross as an over-emotional person who uselessly vented about the past to him. I really regret not having been more graceful about it, whether he deserved it or not. Link to comment
Astrogirl Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 I wonder if these snakes do eventually get their just desserts... Link to comment
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