Question about NC ...

[beautifullyme]

Just wanted to say thanks to the the people of this forum and the awesome advice! I've been lurking for awhile, but decided to create an acct...

 

Me and my "ex" - I only say that because we were never officially together. But whatever it was, he broke up with me at the beginning of August. We're long distance (he moved away), and that was one of the reasons for the breakup I guess, along with some communication issues we were having and other stuff. But he has a pattern of breaking up, and then getting back together with me. Most times it will last a week, then he will call and we'll get back to where we were. The longest we've not talked was like almost 3 months, then he called and we got back together.

 

So this time, when he broke up with me in August, I called him once, stated my case...he refused to try again, so I let go. I kinda felt like we were going to break up or something, cause I was starting school and he had things going on....but I never felt like it would be a permanent situation. But I got tired of this pattern, so I decided to go no contact. I've NEVER not answered or returned his calls or text, so this is different for me, and it should be for him as well.

 

Like clockwork, he called a week later. I didnt answer. A couple days later, he called again....I didnt answer then either. Fast forward to last Wednesday, I felt like I was going to hear from him soon. Idk...its like some kinda weird psychic connection we have. Before I went to sleep Wed night, I glanced at my phone cause I just felt like he was gonna call but it was like 10:45, and I felt it was too late for him to call, cause he hunts, and goes to bed early on most nights. But when I woke up the next morning, he called a little before midnight, I was shocked! This time he also text me, and asked me to give him a call.

 

The next day I just couldnt stop thinking about him. I truly didnt know what to do, but I had to focus cause I had a major exam that day. So, as the day went on I made up in my mind that I wasnt going to respond. My whole reason for going NC is more about healing myself, and stopping this pattern we have. During this time apart I realized so much about myself, and even discovered the root of my abandonment issues that I have. It's been an up and down battle just with myself during these weeks apart. But I just wanted to focus on myself, my family, and my studies. I dont want to abuse the NC as a means of manipulation and just to get him to chase me, I want him to really figure out and make a decision if he wants me in his life. He always insisted that no matter what, that we were always going to be friends and talk...but after this has happened, its not so easy for me.

 

So right before my exam, right as my professor handed me my 185 question exam - he text me!! My mind was GONE. I couldnt focus, and almost lost it. Luckily we had 4 hours to complete the test, cause I spent the first 1 hr staring at the walls, lol. But he text and said that he called the first time because he missed my voice, the second to tell me he truly missed me. And then something like "since I was ignoring and wont answer, as much as it hurts...." - I didnt get that part, I feel like he purposely left me hanging to see if I would respond.

 

What I'm getting at here, is how or when do you know to contact again? I remember reading here somewhere that just cause they text you that they miss you or something, ....he didnt say he wants me back. I understand that, and thats why I havent responded. It's hard cause my emotions come in and say if I dont respond I will lose him. But my best friend (male) told me once that I have to be willing to lose him to have him.

 

Just looking for support here. I love him, and I cant be friends with him right now. We have too much chemistry and the intensity between us is too much! I just dont want to fall in the trap of responding with hopes of one thing, and it either be the same old thing, or he keeps me in the friend zone. If thats what he truly wants, maybe that's something I'll be capable of in the future, just not now. It's hurting me to think that this could be hurting him, cause I've never done this to him before, and I dont want him to conclude or think I'm not interested. I just want him to fight for me and be sure of what he wants, is this wrong?

[mhowe]

Its not wrong, its normal. However he isn't hurt emotioannly --- his ego is hurt because his tried and true methods of getting you to respond to him haven't worked. He doesn't want to get back together and if you guys did, it would simply repeat the make up /break IP pattern you have established.

 

Its good you are working through your issues. Don't abandon your quest for a breadcrumb. Why...because your self journey is more important than stroking his ego.

[beautifullyme]

Thank you

 

Just curious, how do you know he doesnt want to get back together? If we did, can the pattern be broken? I'm thinking because the fact I'm doing this, I'm showing how I expect to be treated, and that hopefully he would take note of. That if I did let him back, he'd be serious....

 

Thanks for answering!

[mhowe]

What sortnof magic pill has he taken that has transformed him into taking this relationship seriously. Because you have ignored a few texts doesn't mean he has changed at all. He just needs to step up his game, feed you lines, you take him back...lather, rinse, repeat.

[beautifullyme]

What sortnof magic pill has he taken that has transformed him into taking this relationship seriously. Because you have ignored a few texts doesn't mean he has changed at all. He just needs to step up his game, feed you lines, you take him back...lather, rinse, repeat.

 

LOL! I love your logic, and you're prob right.

 

...so how would I know if he WAS serious if it was possible?

 

I know I know...glutton for punishment, but I just need to know.

[SooSad33]

How could you take anyone like this seriously? It's like an emotional merry go round.... and you keep going back?

 

IF he was really into you, I don't think these silly break up games would be happening.

 

IF you two have some issue's going on between you then I highly suggest you get it together and work on them.

 

You were never 'officially' together?

 

I agree.. you cannot be friends with someone you have those feeling for.

 

I'd tell the guy... IF he ever man's up and does want to get back with you.. that IF this happens again.. it's done!

Because that shows some immaturity on his part. Instead of breaking up n asking for you to come back.. how about 'working things out' for once??

[beautifullyme]

How could you take anyone like this seriously? It's like an emotional merry go round.... and you keep going back?

 

IF he was really into you, I don't think these silly break up games would be happening.

 

IF you two have some issue's going on between you then I highly suggest you get it together and work on them.

 

You were never 'officially' together?

 

I agree.. you cannot be friends with someone you have those feeling for.

 

I'd tell the guy... IF he ever man's up and does want to get back with you.. that IF this happens again.. it's done!

Because that shows some immaturity on his part. Instead of breaking up n asking for you to come back.. how about 'working things out' for once??

 

Yea...I suppose.

 

I really didnt mean to paint him in a bad light - honestly, he's a good guy and I'm not trying to stick up for him just cause of my feelings for him. We were good friends before any of this, but he's just really insecure and he feels like its a "too good to be true" type situation. When I met him, he had gotten out of a bad divorce - I dont know what happened really. But I know previous to that, he was cheated on while he was away overseas in the military. He told me he was afraid of his feelings for me, because every time he falls, something happens. There's also the age difference factor as well, he's in his (late) 40's, I'm 35...so I think there is insecurity about that as well. Apparently I'm different than what he's used to I guess...?

 

Our main issues are communication with each other. Ive been hurt as well, and I just really dont open up like he wants. He's more of the emotional sensitive type. I really want to open up but as I said I'm dealing with my own issues. Before him I'd been single for 7 yrs by choice, my last relationship was a traumatic one. I just feel like we're always waiting on the other to make a move...weird situation.

 

Things were damn near perfect when he was here, but once he moved they started to change. We only "broke up" once when he was here, but when he moved it got diff. They didnt change as in things were bad like arguing, cheating, and stuff like that, but I think our insecurities started getting the best of both of us - more me than him. I hardly ever called him - I just have this thing about calling people. You can call me a million times a day, and it wont bother me. But I just have a fear about it - dont want to go into detail now. Our issues/breakups were centered around communication, and opening up (I'm quiet as well). I think we both are skittish - he's just the one who acts on it. It's like he breaks up with me cause he's scared of something "happening", like he expects me to hurt him, instead of just sticking it out and letting me prove to him who I am.

 

I could go into more details, but I'm not sure if that matters at this point, lol. I just wanted to at least say he's a good dude. He's influenced and encouraged me to do alot of great things that I have going for myself now. We're both runners, I've stopped running, and I just want to know if he will take a chance and do the same.

 

Regardless, I still appreciate all the insight and advice.