A Tough Decision!?

[lifelearner]

Hello All,

 

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'll try it here first. I am 50 years old. My girlfriend/fiance of over 10 years and I broke up in December 2014, mostly due to my lying and hiding things from her. The lies weren't about porn or me seeing another woman or anything like that. It was mostly small stuff, at least to me, but probably not to her. I felt like I was saving here from worrying about something else in life, and I was just plain embarrassed be some things. Like getting behind on bills and the like. I should add that things had been, well, horrible for the last 3 years of the relationship.

 

Fast forward to this past summer and I was seeing a woman who I went to high school with. A couple of months ago, out of the blue she broke up with me, by text of all things. Anyway, she never really gave me a reason. So last week I decided to try to find out what I could.I just needed to know why. I did some snooping on her Facebook page thanks to a friend since she had unfriended me. I found that she was in a relationship with someone else. After a little more snooping and asking some friends who I trusted not to say anything for help, I determined that she and this guy probably had been at least in contact since right before we broke up. Yes, I was really pissed. Not about the break up so much as I was/am pissed about the lies, deceit, and the hiding things. I know I wasn't perfect and had my issues, but I own them. I am working on them. I really feel she felt I wasn't worth a long term investment and this new guy is ready made, so to speak. I suppose there is a great lesson there.

 

So now what do I do with that lesson? I know at the very least I need to apologize to my ex-fiance. I do have a little bit of a new found respect for her. As for the exgf, I do know that I am on a mission to show her that giving up on me was the wrong choice. But I seriously don't know if there is any chance this guy is temporary (rebound or grass is greener) and we may get back together at some point. My ex-fiance though, I feel like she is where I am supposed to be. We have a long history together. And it was not all bad. In fact there was quite a bit of good. Maybe enough time has passed and we can try to start over and date a little. I don't want either of us to jump into things too quickly.

 

I've learned my lesson. And it was a tough one to swallow. I've worked on myself, my issues and my short comings. I'm still a little confused though. I still feel at times that I want to see if there could be chance with the exgf. But that may be my bruised ego talking. But my ex-fiance, I know I did a lot of damage. But I feel a strong pull there. Neither choice is easy. And both choices would require a lot of continued work.

 

Any advice would be appreciated

[reinventmyself]

Are you even in communication with the ex fiancé?

And if things were horrible for 3 years why would you want to reconcile?

I admire that you are owning up to your responsibility in the demise of the relationship but it takes two.

It's been almost 2 years since you two were together. It's very unlikely you two will be on the same page today.

 

As much as it hurts I wouldn't worry so much about the second girlfriend and why she left. It doesn't change the outcome.

 

What should you do with the lesson?

All that matters at this point going forward is that you continue to work on yourself and grow.

[mhowe]

I think you should accept there are 2 women on the planet that have taken the test drive and decided not to buy. And take your new found strength and enlightening and look at a different model.

[DoF]

Do nothing is my advice (as far as communication to both ex's). Stay away from them and block/ignore them.

 

Keep working on yourself and find a new person.

 

Good luck

[Knot2loud]

I'm asking myself... Why bother? Apologizing, trying to get back together. seeking an explanation, whatever. Those ladies are gone. You're not committed to them in any way, fashion, shape or form. In other words... You can do what you damn well please. You can connect with another lady and pretty much start all over with what you learned from your own mistake.

 

However, if it makes you feel better about apologizing... Go ahead. I don't know if I would expect any warm fuzzies if you do.

 

If it were me. I'd let it go and move on.

[lifelearner]

Are you even in communication with the ex fiancé?

And if things were horrible for 3 years why would you want to reconcile?

I admire that you are owning up to your responsibility in the demise of the relationship but it takes two.

It's been almost 2 years since you two were together. It's very unlikely you two will be on the same page today.

 

As much as it hurts I wouldn't worry so much about the second girlfriend and why she left. It doesn't change the outcome.

 

What should you do with the lesson?

All that matters at this point going forward is that you continue to work on yourself and grow.

 

It's actually only been just a little less than a year. My ex-fiance and I do communicate, albeit mostly about her daughter. Since the dad is almost nonexistent. I was really the only dad the kid had. I do check in on my Ex from time to time to see how she is doing. She called me crying when the dog we bought together was really sick and had to be put down. Maybe horrible is the wrong word. It was more like things evolved into a room mate situation. It felt horrible. Still, I know now it was mostly my fault, due to my actions, not knowing how to fix things, and just getting plain frustrated. I think maybe we both got a little tired of the status quo and gave up a little.

[DoF]

You will never EVER find another lady while you have relations with your ex.......not the kind of lady you want anyways.

 

It sounds like you never really healed after that relationship. Did you go no contact and took time (3-6 months) to get over her? If not, that's your next step.

 

Don't feel bad for her or her daughter, don't be her shoulder to cry on......she is your ex, it's over, move on.

 

If NOT, then ask her if she would be interested in restarting.....but I would probably not recommend that. You said last 3 years were horrible. Stay away.

[reinventmyself]

It's actually only been just a little less than a year. My ex-fiance and I do communicate, albeit mostly about her daughter. Since the dad is almost nonexistent. I was really the only dad the kid had. I do check in on my Ex from time to time to see how she is doing. She called me crying when the dog we bought together was really sick and had to be put down. Maybe horrible is the wrong word. It was more like things evolved into a room mate situation. It felt horrible. Still, I know now it was mostly my fault, due to my actions, not knowing how to fix things, and just getting plain frustrated. I think maybe we both got a little tired of the status quo and gave up a little.

 

 

Well. . . I suppose you have nothing to lose by asking.

At least you will know one way or another and if it doesn't work out you can close this chapter, finally.