WhatHappened8 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Hello Everyone, Please bare with me as I vent about the frustrations I've had and my thoughts on the "dumper" in my situation. Me and my ex dated for over a year and a half..throughout our relationship we went through many many hard times together, my grandmother died..her aunt lost her battle with cancer..my sister burned to death in a freak accident and her father passed away..I suffered troublesome heart problems and she got into a car accident that totaled her car..to say the least we have been through A LOT in just the time we have spent together. This has brought us together but has really hurt me emotionally as since my sisters accident I have felt very anxious which really took a tole on my relationship. I have been going to therapy for it as I get really anxious spending time with people now..this evidentally lead to our break up as she couldn't handle it anymore and was very upset that things were at a standstill. She has told me she knows what she wants out of life (marriage, kids, engaged) and that she wasn't getting it from me...so she left. This hurt...it hurt a lot as I have been nothing short of a good guy to her..minus of course my anixety which I have taken 110% responsibility for. I know that after therapy and getting myself back together and comfortable with being around people again I can be good for her. Her mom has been really supportive of this as well and reached out to me after the break up. She said to feel free to reach out to her when I need someone to talk too or vent too...my parents both passed away when I was in my early 20's and so..i feel like I really am alone. Im having a really hard time with this break up as I really love my ex and know that we can be good together. It hurts me because I feel that she has turned her back on me..two weeks after our break up I ahd to put my dog down who she loved as well..she asked my brother about it and he told her that I was putting the dog down..but she never reached out to me. When we broke up once earlier in the year her dad had suffered a heart attack and I reached out to her...why doesn't she do the same? I have been no contact for the past two weeks now and thanksgiving day is tomorrow..Im stuck with wanting to wish her a happy thanksgiving or not. I don't want her to feel like I don't give a even though I spoke to her once after the break up adn told her I was going to work on myself and that I hoped we crossed paths again. Her mom says that her daughter is figuring stuff out too..im just worried she is going to marry the next joe that enters her life because 'she knows what she wants out of life'. Howcome she seems so cold? She is also somebody who sticks to a decision and is stubborn so I feel like she will never reach out to me...this really sucks..I have strayed away from social media as I don't want to see waht she is up too and the "happy" life that she may be posting about. She didn't delete me off of any social media which makes me feel like shes leaving lines up for a possible reconciliation once im okay again but on the other hand she could just not give a f&%k..I went on my instagram today to see some pictures my cousin posted up of her sons birthday party and noticed my ex had posted up some pictures of herself horseback riding. Before we broke up I had purchased us passes to go horseback riding together as I know it was something she did with her father as a kid and I wanted to relive that with her...I guess seh went with her friends instead and was trying to "stick it to me" by posting it. I did a lot for her family and for her..I genuinely love her family and her and respect them. This has just been a very hard time for me. I don't know what she is thinking or what is going through her mind. her mom said it may be a good idea to keep in touch every once in awhile to let her know where I am at with things. I don't know if this is a good idea..however I feel like I will never hear from her if I don't. I know that primarely the break up is my fault because my anxiety wasn't allowing me to fully invest myself in the relationship and in life itself. I don't know what to do...please help. Thoughts? Opinions? Link to comment
sleepingdonut Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Well, I think either propose to her or leave her alone completely and see if she comes around. If not, it was never going to work out anyways. Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Should I be reaching out to her at all?...Should I wish her and her family a happy thanksgiving..or am I just annoying her..since when we last spoke she seemed hurt and frustrated and the typical cold dumper. Link to comment
alli Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 First of all, I'm truly sorry to hear about all of the horrible things that have happened in your life recently. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a relative the way you lost your sister. That's really awful and completely understandable that you would be experiencing anxiety after everything you have been through. I can understand why you are hurt. Breakups pretty much always hurt regardless of the circumstances. However, I'm not sure why it specifically hurts you that she said what wants an engagement, marriage and kids and that it wasn't happening with you. It seems like a pretty factual, non-offensive matter that what you each want out of life doesn't match. You said you were a good guy to her, but what she wants is a husband and a family. Those two things aren't the same. If you feel that you would have been ready for those things in the near future but just not right now did you tell her that? Did you give her the impression that you wanted those things as well but kept pushing it back? Is it possible that you are misinterpreting the non-verbal things she is doing as messages she is trying to send to you? For example: She's not contacting you. You interpret that as cold. But many people don't talk after breaking up. I understand that your dog died. I'm sure she's upset about that as well. But maybe she feels that keeping distance is the only way to not drag out recovering from a breakup. Maybe she thought that you would think she wanted to get back together if she contacted you & didn't want to go down that path. She didn't unfriend you on social media. You interpret that as a sign that she may want to get together again later. Maybe she didn't unfriend you because she thinks its the "mature" thing to do. She went for a horseback ride. You interpret that she's "sticking it to you". But this was something she did with her dad when she was little. For some reason I just don't feel like this was an attempt as a personal assault on you. It was a horseback ride. But if it bothers you that much, you can always unfollow her. Anyway, I understand that you feel pain and anger from the breakup. It's okay to feel hurt. But consider if it is possible that she is not behaving maliciously. It's okay to be angry that your life isn't going the way you want right now but try to keep a perspective on if you are angry at the situation or actually angry at her. I really do hope things turn around for you soon! Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 It doesn't hurt that she wants kids..marriage all that stuff. I wanted that stuff with her too. It was just my anxiety that she said she couldn't handle anymore. I still want to marry her and have all those things..it hurts that she may find that with somebody else because she couldn't handle my anxiety anymore. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It isn't her burden to handle your anxiety and it's a lot to ask of someone. Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 looking for some positivity guys... Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 There's no point in sugar coating it. Acknowledging how your anxiety played a part in the demise should give you fuel to push with your therapy to overcome it so that you can put this behind you. Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Defintely not saying she should stick around through my anxiety. Just looking for some positivity..I noticed you have a similar story..your mother passed away and then u guys got back together...did u guys not speak at all? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 No, not at all...from the funeral until sometime in April. Almost 4 months...not a text, call, or anything. Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Did he ever tell you he still cared troughout the time apart? Who initiated the contact after all that time? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 From the time we broke up in the end of Nov, we did not speak until I to.d him my mum had died. He came to the funeral and reception. From that point on, we did not speak until,April. I think I ran into him in a local shop. We chatted like neighbors. After that, a few weeks later..he brought me one of my favorite foods. He did not reach out to remind me how he felt until it was clear from our occasional run ins that I seemed healed and was receptive. He respected my request for space...and until I made it clear I was open to seeing him. Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 That sounds fair...so I shouldnt reach out to her tomorrow then to wish her and her family a happy thabksgivig? Her mom told me I should reach out every once in awhile to let her know where I am at with healing...what do u suggest? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 You shouldn't be listening to her mother...listen to her! Respect her wishes and leave her alone. No thanksgiving, Xmas or New Years. She has your number...she knows how to reach you. You guys broke up. Link to comment
WhatHappened8 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Well she never told me not to contact her...she just said if I want to talk to her to go find her when im done healing...but she left me..I feel like shes saying im done find me if u want..im not coming back. Guess im just worried not contacting her is just gonna make her move forward and think I dont care...it isnt the case Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Not contacting is for you both to heal no move on. Link to comment
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