What is "the one" to you? Poll of sorts...

[Batya33]

Would you keep seeing him during the 6 months? What is the general category of the issue?

[mhowe]

Has he proposed? Talked of proposing? You seem to be focused on whether you could live with this for life...when the issue isn't on the table.

[amika98]

Well we'll be dating for three years in February next year, I'll be 31. In my thirties I don't want to spend more than about three years if it's not going to turn into marriage. I discussed this with him and he didn't see any problems with my thoughts there. If what I'm concerned about lately isn't an issue, I'd see us getting engaged next year. So with my 3 year cut off time, I realized that I don't even know that's what I want.

 

The 6 months would be spent together, me being more vocal about my needs and trying to tell him immediately when he says things that are upsetting to me. I've been holding stuff in to avoid conflict. I think we've hit rough times this summer because I wasn't standing up for myself and getting resentful, that along with not having congruent love languages caused issues. So for 6 months I try harder to communicate clearly, see if I feel loved/wanted/supported and see if we can function better together.

[mhowe]

It's really not supposed to be this hard.

[Batya33]

I would be careful about relying too much on pyscho-speak and get this down to the very basics. Obviously telling someone immediately when something upsets you is not always the best strategy -if the timing is wrong you might unburden but it might be selfish to bring it up right then. As far as "love languages" was this an issue from the beginning and if not when did that become an issue? Does he think you don't communicate clearly and was this a problem from the beginning?

 

It should not be this hard in the sense that you ask yourself -in general do you play nicely in the sandbox together or not? Do you like hanging out with him in general or not? Is it fun? -That's the way I would look at this -- too much of the psychobabble will give you too much of an excuse to rationalize sticking around.

[amika98]

Love language was an issue from the beginning but I didn't talk about it. I felt bad/guilty/selfish for wanting flowers, for wanting him to do and say things that made me feel special to him. It actually made me cry a few times from the lack of that and some things he said that came off super cold...but I still kept quiet.

 

I do have fun with him, we laugh, joke, make conversation no problem and have things in common. It's not a bad relationship, I just don't know, without the emotional support and sweetness, that it really has a future. I realized with the latest problems we had...I'm on my own in keeping this relationship together. I started it, I said I love you first, and I was the one who said he should move in, I'm the one who brings up marriage and kids. I don't want to be the one doing it all forever by myself. if that's marriage, I don't want to have any part of it. I worked so hard to get to "happy" on my own...I don't want to be solely responsible for the happiness of a relationship too. But with his masculinity, that's where I am. He wouldn't notice a thing wrong with our relationship unless he found another naked guy in my bed. No he's not bad or evil, he's just different than me. He's an apple and I'm celery when it comes to romantic relationships. Just very different. 10 years and a kid later, could we really make it? And I still have chronic depression to keep in check? I don't know. It sounds really terrifying.

[ParisPaulette]

All I can tell you is that many of the problems and issues I faced in earlier relationships just aren't present with my husband. We could communicate from day one and we are still able to do that five years into being together. I was terrified of marriage, I had one failed marriage from when I was young having married the fellow for all the wrong reasons and being unhappy about it for ten years. It took my husband a lot of time to win me over to the idea of marriage, three years and closer to four, before I said yes. So I get the being scared.

 

But the good news is we still talk all the time, often into the night. There is an effortlessness to this relationship I never had with anyone else. I've had major communication issues in earlier relationships and those relationships all fell apart sooner or later including the one marriage I tried. Not that the fellows or I were bad necessarily, but if you can't easily express yourselves and share your thoughts that's a pretty large chasm to try and get accross. And yes marriage will make that even harder.

 

Marriage is work and it takes two people deciding they will stay together to make it work. We do have our issues, trust me. He is not always happy about my Noah's Ark as he likes to call my ranch with its many strays and rescues and I'm not happy when I find my good china full of his paint brushes that he needed to rinse out. We do fight even, often over stupid things like what word means or a political issue we are on opposite sides of. But communication still comes easy to us whether it's "I love you" or "Could you not do that, it's driving me crazy!"

 

That you two have such an issue communicating and expressing your love for each other is definitely worrisome. Any chance for couples counseling to address that? I'd do that first before even contemplating marriage, but really at this stage getting married would be indeed the wrong thing to do. Too many times all effort stops and if your guy is already not making an effort marriage will actually make that worse given that he'll likely have no incentive at all to change.

 

And no, it's not a good relationship if only one of you is making most of the effort. All good relationships are give and take. From what you detail I'm not sure why you have stayed this long. It almost sounds like each of you have decided the other is good enough for now, but you both aren't that invested. You overcompensate and he makes no real effort. That's not good.

 

See if he'll go to couples counseling so both of you can learn to better communicate or accept that the gap is simply too wide and walk away. It's not wrong and it's not weird to think that you should be able to communicate easily with your partner. I've learned the hard way through some pretty rough earlier relationship trials that good communication and good sex are two key building blocks you really can't do without if you want a good marriage. Something I wish I'd known when I was younger and tried to be married that first time.

 

And yes, three years of dating should have made this all easier, not harder. You need to sit him down and see if it can be fixed, roll up your sleeves, and if he doesn't want to fix it or can't then it may indeed be time to reassess whether or not this relationship is one that's long term or not.

[reinventmyself]

Again I chime in with my own experience. Take from it what you will.

I developed anxiety during my marraige and I learned it was due the fact I was avoiding and stuffing the things in my marraige that weren't working.

Much like you I kept my disappointments to myself in an effort to avoid conflict and didn't place enough value on having a voice and seeing that my needs were met.

 

In the end I was lonilier in my marraige than when I was not.

 

Fast fwrd to my last relationship that didn't work. I knew the signs and tho I may not have acted on it as soon as I should have it was still another lesson I guess I needed to learn.

 

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you sort out what's going on for you and I wish you the best

[Lucia Amman]

As to answer the topics question combined with the new information from you, drivenheart.

 

There were only two guys for me that I actually wanted to commit with for life. And my ex with whom I had children wasn't one of them. There were some major issues and some seemingly more small next to it that a life-long commitment just didn't seem right. Although at the time I thought the minor issues I could easily settle on in hindsight I'm glad that there was one major issue that lead to us breaking up.

In hindsight I can finally tell that I was far from happy in that relationship and at least 50% was due to those minor issues: love languages that didn't align, communication style was off, interests were way different.

 

Sure we shared some interests but he didn't fully respect my interests and his hobbies took up all our freetime. What I missed most were weekendtrips, a date-night out, museum visits. You need to have some common ground to add new experiences as a couple to your life, otherwise you're fastly out of conversation.

 

My new boyfriend and me, I can easily see us together just as happy as now in five, ten and fifteen years from now. We almost understand each other without words but we chat day and night and every discussion goes without effort. I think we are both a bit fluid as it comes to masculine and feminine qualities and both never address any of our qualities to our particular gender. I usually call him my wife and he calls me 'guy' when something typical opposite sex comes to surface, but only in a lovingly way of course. But I do believe that is one of the many things why I love 'us'. Although I'm very feminine I can easily switch perspective and the same goes for him.

 

A life-long commitment shouldn't be hard. The only effort that should be made is investing in each other's life. Not making excuses for one another or trying to cover up one's behaviour with a cloak of love. Love takes work, yes. But lovingly work. In the end the only person you can change is you. Its inevitable that your partner has some quirks and behaviour that you dont like but it should not be anything that is infecting how you feel about yourself. That's what compatibility is about. Has his behaviour a negative effect on you? Than leave. Don't you like his behaviour but it has no direct influence on your life? Stay and learn to live with it. There are always compromises to make but none should be fundamentally change your inner sense of self. If you feel off most of the time in your relationship than this is not the relationship for you. It might be minor things on the surface but inward your inner self is getting darker the longer you stay with it.

 

This all sounds very spiritual all of the sudden but I'm by far a spiritual person. I mean it more psychologically. I hope everyone understands that.

[TMifune]

As much as what you share has some really good points I get concerned when someone suggests that this may be all in her head.

She's detailed some valid points of concern in a previous post. . and solid information that she is trying to process.

She doesn't appear to be rashly running away, rather trying to make conscious, compassionate decision for the both of them.

Decisions like this cause anyone anxiety. I don't believe she ever said she had `anxiety issues'

 

How many different ways does she have to say that she has anxiety issues before I'm allowed to assume she might have anxiety issues?

 

I'm not telling her it's all in her head, but when she describes a two-week anxious buildup to even talking to him about something, that definitely points to something that she needs to deal with in herself. With all the good things she does have to say about her bf, I highly doubt that he's some slobbering monster waiting to scream at her because she said she wants to be told that he loves her.

 

Can you not hear the insecurity and anxiety dripping from her posts?

 

She talks like she's "the only one keeping the relationship together". And that's because she expects him to shower her with affection to soothe her worries and because the entire buildup of "problems" is stuff that she's not communicating with him.

 

The whole thing smacks of "if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" mind-reading BS to me.

[TMifune]

Maybe you should shelve the marriage talk until you get the depression fully under warps? That marriage stuff sounds like pressure you're putting on yourself. Also, it seems like you're expecting him to do an awful lot of mind-reading about how you feel and then throwing it back on him that he must not care because he can't read your mind.

[amika98]

I have been expecting mind reading from him in an immature way like TMifune suggests…I guess I thought doing so would be easier for me to tell him what's going on, but it wasn't. And this portion is what leads to the "I'm going to speak up for myself more now as shutting up didn't get us anywhere for the past year." and then see how things pan out.

 

What worries me is that when my anxiety and distress finally got strong enough that I HAD to speak to him about my feelings, I walked away from that talk with a silent amount of despair inside me. He can't offer me what I want. I said, "Could you please give me more compliments? You can see when I took this Love Languages quiz, that words of affirmation were top priority and I feel insecure sometimes when I don't hear nice things and especially when I hear bad things." And he laughed and said, "Okay, write me a list of exactly what I need to say to you and I'll say it." Enter despair. Obviously if I have to feed him compliments to give to me verbatim, it's lost the point. And also more importantly, I feel like a jerk to request something of him that clearly feels so unnatural and so uncomfortable to him…yet this is what I need form him sometimes. So this is where we truly have an incompatibility…we both are in a bad spot.

 

I've spoken to women older than me, who've married guys like this and they tell me they've just had to learn to deal with it…where I'm from, culture and religion are still VERY anti-divorce, so that's their life; they make do. I see that and don't think "Oh there is a way" I think, "RUN AWAY."

 

After all these posts on here and different viewpoints (for which I'm all very grateful for), I think the only thing I can do is give it therapy and time. I doubt he'd go to therapy with me…he's shot down the who psychology field in general really. But I think it's obvious at this point that he is who he is and that's that. The therapy for me would be to come to grips of whether or not I need to leave. Right now I can't listen to the voice inside me that says "leave" because I love him too much and day to day involvement with him is good. But I feel things will get rough again and think when they do, it'll be clearer that it's time to end it. Until that happens though, I have some cognitive dissonance about seeing a major problem, but not being able to leave yet…which should present anxiety in anyone.

 

Also, the depression has been under control for quite some time, it got a little worse this summer though and my doctor has changed and upped my dose…now there's another debacle, "did the relationship issues make me feel more depressed?" or "did my rise in depression cause relationship problems?" There's another endless bought of questions for me…which is why I just want to get to my freaking therapist appointment already. lol I have so many questions, I really need someone in person to talk this out with me at length.

[mhowe]

The love language concept is to show you that people may have different languages to express love and receive love.

 

And while telling him that you need to hear affirmations was brave ---- it is like telling him to speak to you in Japanese when he speaks German.

And I am sure he has a "love language" that show you that he loves you, or you wouldn't be with him.

 

My bf likes "little gifts".....I could care less. If I get him a little something ---- could be a magazine, a lottery ticket, whatever ---- he is happy as a clam.

And he gets things for me. Again, I could really care less.

 

But it is HIS LANGUAGE. And I know that it is his way of showing how much he loves me.

 

For you to feel despair that he will not speak Japanese to you (to keep my analogy going) --- in order to quell your insecurity; well, perhaps the tools to self sooth in Japanese would be more appropriate.

 

Your bf doesn't need to go to therapy. You truly need to talk this out with someone before you throw the baby out with the bath water.

[amika98]

And my psyche responds...

 

If I were married to someone who only speaks German, I could see learning and accepting the language. But if I'm still in search of a mate, why choose one who speaks a different language than me?

[mhowe]

Personally, I agree. Go find someone who speaks your language.

[reinventmyself]

again. . we can agree to disagree

[TMifune]

again. . we can agree to disagree

 

I suppose we could do that, but that robs you of the peace that comes with admitting that you're wrong!

[reinventmyself]

I suppose we could do that, but that robs you of the peace that comes with admitting that you're wrong!

 

Dude . . .again the with world according to you and zero tolerance for others opinions. Incredible!!

[TMifune]

Dude . . .again the with world according to you and zero tolerance for others opinions. Incredible!!

 

Or you could choose to see it as a joke.

[reinventmyself]

Ill try to wrap my head around that one . . .thx!

[amika98]

Aha! I've pinned it! I don't feel desired in this relationship and honestly never have…from day one. It's not just "not enough compliments, not enough gifts, not enough acts of service, too much negativity", it's a little of ALL OF THAT…the love I get from him is low, or too low for me at least. The way he acts and speaks to me day to day leaves me feeling insecure and un-appreciated, I try to resolve these feelings I'm left with by saying I need some compliments or some gifts or something…SOMETHING to feel secure, loved and wanted again. So it's not that he doesn't do "A" or "B" in the positive realm of love languages…it's that he starts off making me feel unwanted/insecure to begin with and then on top of that "love language A" and "love language B" never come around to soothe what he did/said to make me feel insecure to begin with. You can't add negatives and never throw in positives and have a great relationship…or you'll make your girlfriend feel the way I feel…OUT…I want out. I don't feel loved enough! And OBVIOUSLY not enough for a marriage, nonetheless this relationship. And if you say I'm still just anxious and too picky, OMG don't. lol This vague feeling that something is wrong has gone on for TWO MONTHS…I just found journaled notes I stashed away from July, stating the same feeling of feeling unwanted. It's not that he sounds like a jerk sometimes, or that he doesn't give me compliments…it's just that it's not there for me enough anywhere…it's not one thing, it's many things…he takes me down and never brings me up…so overall, no wonder I don't feel secure and wanted. Actually I've noticed I'm nearly subconsciously trying to get more from him too…like buying lingerie? That's not something I'd normally do…but I think I'm just trying to get SOMETHING out of him! (ha, dirty joke in there. lol) I'm trying to impress and do tricks for him so I could just freaking get something more from him. But there isn't more. I need more and he can't offer it. And if I'm too picky for wanting to feel more secure and loved…then sew that letter "P" to my clothes. lol Nobody is going to walk down that aisle thinking, "I don't need to feel desired in a marriage, this is fine." And if they do, it ain't me. lol

 

And I'm not trying to bash him and blame him either…this is either just who he is/how he is…or I'm not "his one". Maybe I'm not really "his one" either and that's why it's not there. But I don't want to sound like I'm just trying to tear him apart, I'm just noting there's something dysfunctional here.

[Batya33]

I think part of you likes the challenge of getting his attention/his "love". That probably motivated you in the beginning too, right?

[amika98]

Yes, Batya33,you bet. I have a history of chasing what isn't there…"If I could just make him want me, I would win and my ego would be so pleased!" You should see the jerks I dated in college. Yeesh. lol This is actually a vast improvement.

[Batya33]

Yes so in a way it's not fair to ask him to change now.

[amika98]

Well, I already did try it to an extent…I asked him essentially for more (compliments, anniversary celebrating, etc.) and realized it wasn't going to happen by the response I got…he is who he is, end of story.