BDSM and emotional availability

[IAmFCA]

I've been reading a lot on Dom/sub and other kinds of power exchange sexual relationships, trying to discern this answer. Maybe someone here can help me.

 

Given that the Dom takes responsibility for the scene, for balancing pleasure and "pain", does this responsibility reduce his opportunity to get lost in the moment? To have sex at the end of a long day? To have multiple Os?

 

The orgasm is, to me, a complete letting go. The Dom is in control. There is a certain amount of energy required. When does he get a vacation of sorts?

 

Is the control element a way of maintaining a defense against being emotionally available/vulnerable?

 

Asking from perspective of a male D. I know it goes both ways.

[agent1607307371]

Is the control element a way of maintaining a defense against being emotionally available/vulnerable?

 

When you have that much responsibility over someone else's pleasure and safety, you are much more with them. You have to be vulnerable to someone to give them have that much of you.

[Moontiger]

Not male, but I have dabbled in some light BDSM (spanking, handcuffs etc). From this experience I don't think it effects emotional availability. Sometime, I got very turned on my taking control, other times by being controlled. While the responsibility does fall to the dom to make sure everything is balanced, the sub also has to be aware, it is the subs job to communicate, within the scene, what is working and what is not.

 

I think, once lost in the scene, and with experience, this all starts to happen naturally. So, while maybe the first few times a new dom might be to tense/worried to completely enjoy the scene, eventually they gain confidence and that makes all the difference.

[pippy longstocking]

remember a dom is only a dom because a sub allows it ...the connection is intense .

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all

[rosephase]

I think it can be very different for different people. You are talking about the deeper phycology behind a persons desire and experience when they dom and that is an individual thing. I know some who are like you describe, even a handful that don't have sex or get off sexually on what they are doing at all. And some are happy to lose control with their partner/s. If you are starting to think about play with someone -talk to them- figure out what the experience is like for them. Personally, I was never interested in playing with people when sex wasn't a part of it.

[IAmFCA]

I think it is important to remember the control is shared. There is an element of release in being able to play with someone as you wish.... maybe that is where the letting go happens.

[lukeb]

Some people (some would say a lot of people) put up defenses from being emotionally available because they see it as being vulnerable, and there is a risk involved with being vulnerable with someone. There is no real reason to believe that these issues don't play out in Dom/sub relationships as they are issues in other relationships as well. I would say to answer your question, having power and control can be a defense, but it shouldn't be in healthy Dom/sub relationships. I think it is reasonable to say that all of us grow up damaged and it can affect the different things that turn us on sexually. So much of the world is wrapped up in power and control issues, so it is no wonder that these themes play out for many in their sex lives. Unless you go to extremes, it is really very difficult to sort out what is healthy when you get into the gray areas. When it is all said and done though I would say its not a good thing for anyone to put up defenses from becoming emotionally available if that is what you are looking for in a partner. So in the end what you can say about sub/Dom relationships can really be said about any other type of relationship. We're supposed to be able to fulfill each other's needs and be complementary in our lives.

[DaField]

I've been reading a lot on Dom/sub and other kinds of power exchange sexual relationships, trying to discern this answer. Maybe someone here can help me.

 

Given that the Dom takes responsibility for the scene, for balancing pleasure and "pain", does this responsibility reduce his opportunity to get lost in the moment? To have sex at the end of a long day? To have multiple Os?

 

IMO no. A Dom gets lost in the moment in his way (I won't use PC language, just assume him/her). Taking responsibility and charge IS part of the turn on. I think the important matter is to ensure the Dom can get their physical pleasure, if they want it, at some stage. This can sometimes be after the sub has been looked after.

 

The orgasm is, to me, a complete letting go. The Dom is in control. There is a certain amount of energy required. When does he get a vacation of sorts?

 

As above, or not. Sometimes after an intense play session, the Dom needs to come down as well. It can be emotionally fulfilling and exhausting at the same time.

 

Is the control element a way of maintaining a defense against being emotionally available/vulnerable?

 

Absolutely not. Different emotions, different emotional needs but not a lack of availability. Try thinking from a Doms POV not a subs POV.

 

Asking from perspective of a male D. I know it goes both ways.

 

Being Dom and the feelings that go with that are, again IMO, no different than how for eg a woman feels love toward a man. It's IN you, not a staged act. Almost impossible to explain, but maybe my ramblings give you some insight?

[ss135]

Being Dom and the feelings that go with that are, again IMO, no different than how for eg a woman feels love toward a man. It's IN you, not a staged act. Almost impossible to explain, but maybe my ramblings give you some insight?

 

I was a 24/7 Dom in my last relationship and this is spot on. It was most certainly not an act and not something I could turn off or on. Being totally in control was not something that is draining, actually it's the only thing that recharges me. It was also the only way I could get lost in the moment. I did not become emotionally unavailable and did not use it as a defense, quite the opposite it can be extremely vulnerable to tell someone that you are a Dom or want that kind of relationship. Being a Dom and having a sub is very fulfilling and gives me purpose, motivation, and makes me think much clearer and feel much happier. Actually, without having a sub now I feel useless and directionless, what good is a Dom without a sub?

[IAmFCA]

Folks this is an old thread of mine that I've just reread, knowing this same person now in a non sexual context and for all this time. I get it. It is partly why it is so important for me to express what i want. He has said as much and it has challenged me to discover that under my own lead, in fact i am not ready to receive what i want.

 

I am accustomed to being led by a more dominant male partner, and asserting myself in that context. In a way, that has allowed me a certain safety, and has allowed the sexual activity to have a certain mystery.

 

We've not had a sexual relationship in some time, but the desire and dynamic remains. I get this feeling of him holding the lead but waiting for me to give direction, and it has puzzled me. I am beginning to understand.

 

Thank you.