Please help... :|

[yousayhello]

I am new to this site. Please bear with my English if I make mistakes. Also, please, please, I politely request all of you to try to give me your honest and brutally honest opinions, without suggesting me how can I improve my personality, take classes or see a therapist or life coach etc. please tell me if I have done everything right per your opinions or more like what would you do. I humbly request.

 

Here is my story. I was in 5 yrs long relationship with an amazing guy, so amazing that life felt so so beautiful when I was with him. He is 4 years younger than me, never married, hindu, Indian guy.

 

I am separated and have three children, the oldest is almost an adult now. The kids live with my husband since I work an overnight shifts as RN in a hospital. I do not earn enough to hire a nanny for my children. I have not seen/met my separated-husband since over 8 yrs. He has not been married to anyone else. My kids get along with my separated-husband very well and I have working relationship with him. I talk to him once a while about money and children and their school etc. No romantic relationship. We do not even wish each other happy birthday, merry christmas or ask how we are doing. etc. I have not filed for divorce for other legal reasons.

 

My BF and I lived together for 1.5 yrs and then he moved to a different state for job reasons during that time we were in a long distance relationship. In spite of that we were very happy together. This guy is just amazing, he encouraged me, supported me and took care of me, made me feel just blessed and I did the same in return. After about 3 yrs in the relationship, when he was 34, I started getting hints that my BF wanted to marry and settle down in life. Once he told me that, he feels like marrying me but he feels super guilty about taking someone else's wife or breaking a family. That guilty feeling started consuming him and he started getting distant. But he still supported me in various aspects in my life, like a job change etc. and so did I. I visited him whenever I can, kept his house clean, took him on trips, bought him cloths, did his paper work and so on. We both did everything we can for each other.

 

One day he broke up with me and said he needs to look for someone and settle down. I did not know what to say because I was not able to file for the divorce just yet, i had to wait for another year or more, We both were sad. We still were kind of together and missed each other and met once a while.

 

After him dating for a year, seemed like he found someone (Indian, single, younger than me) who he liked and then I started getting side lined completely, I was very very very sad, but I was not able to do much. Eventually he got married to that girl and I was devastated. Now, he calls me and tells me that he would like to friends at least and stay in touch and he wants to make sure I am ok and doing well. He also wants to make sure that I do not date wrong guys and get in trouble. I have told him to go away since he is married now and do not worry about me, but he insists on being in touch in a non romantic way.

 

So what did I do wrong or he did wrong and is it a good idea to stay in touch? what do you guys think. I appreciate in advance your input. thanks.

[mhowe]

Am unclear how you have been separated for 8 years and cannot get divorced. So, you had a 5 year affair, your lover got bored with waiting for you and moved on to another woman. Whom he married and will likely have kids with.

 

Yes, you did right ---- he needs to exit from your life 100%.

[yousayhello]

@mhowe, Due to combination of immigration and legal reasons I was not able to file for divorce. I can write down the details but I do not want to divert the subject.

Another thing, I forgot to mention that he, my bf, never introduced me to his friends and family, he told them about me verbally, i spoke with his mother on the phone once but never face to face meet. He also never offered to wait for me until my divorce gets filed, which would have been positively done in another year or so. He was all hung up on the guilt of taking someone's wife and breaking a family. I sometimes think he never thought of "us" as together and was just with me for sake of it. and I keep wondering if I am thinking right or being unreasonable.

[DoF]

You need to heal and get over him. That means, you can't start the healing until he is completely out of your life. Ask him to not contact you and block him/ignore him going forward.

 

Take 3-6 months to heal, in time you will be just fine.

 

During that time, finalize your divorce.

 

THEN you will be ready for a new relationship.

[yousayhello]

Am unclear how you have been separated for 8 years and cannot get divorced. So, you had a 5 year affair, your lover got bored with waiting for you and moved on to another woman. Whom he married and will likely have kids with.

 

Yes, you did right ---- he needs to exit from your life 100%.

 

Due to combination of immigration and legal reasons I was not able to file for divorce until the case clears up. I can write down the details but i do not want to divert the subject.

Another thing, I forgot to mention that he, my bf, never introduced me to his friends and family, he told them about me verbally, i spoke with his mother on the phone but never face to face. He also never offered to wait for me until my divorce gets filed, which would have been positively done in another year or so. He was all hung up on the guilt of taking someone's wife and breaking a family.

[mhowe]

His hangups are his hangups. Nothing you can do at this point but move on by blocking him from your life.

 

Many people will not introduce their married lovers to family and friends. Not uncommon.

[melancholy123]

It sounds like your slowness in getting a divorce was a problem for him, even if you have valid reasons. He was not taking another man's wife, you were married in name only, it's not like you were living with your soon to be ex husband. I think that's an excuse on his part.

 

So, he's found someone else and married her and moved on. You need to remove him from your life, your phone, your social media etc. This relationship is done. I'm sorry, you do sound like a nice person. I hope you find someone better in the future.

[yousayhello]

It sounds like your slowness in getting a divorce was a problem for him, even if you have valid reasons. He was not taking another man's wife, you were married in name only, it's not like you were living with your soon to be ex husband. I think that's an excuse on his part.

 

So, he's found someone else and married her and moved on. You need to remove him from your life, your phone, your social media etc. This relationship is done. I'm sorry, you do sound like a nice person. I hope you find someone better in the future.

 

Yes, I am moving on, I have already cut out my ties, just trying to get some insight, a closure and hence the post.

Thank you for your response, I tried to tell him the same, that he is not taking someone's wife. His response to that was, if there is any possibility of me and my husband to be together once the case clears up and before the divorce if filed then he does not want to kill that possibility. Also, he was not sure if my children will accept him which I did not understand why. Overall, he seemed very paranoid about my situation and never seemed to take a decision on his own.