Jump to content

Unique Situation (Cheating ex-girlfriend involved)


Recommended Posts

TL;DR

Girlfriend recently cheated, so of course I broke up.

The cheating was a one night stand when she was very drunk on her birthday

I do not have many friends in the town I live, and we used to spend a lot of time together

I am moving in a year

Should I keep her around to continue having fun until leaving for dental school in a year

Okay. First, sorry for the rambling, I need to give the most background to handle this situation. To make it clear, I already dumped her. I could not have been following no contact, considering she cheated on me on her birthday and I was away on vacation, and she still has much of my stuff.

 

I am 22 now and she just turned 20. We both have a large history, which I guess I should have taken into account before making her my girlfriend, but I thought we both looked past each others' history so we were set. I have known her since High School and we ended up going to the same college. I know for a fact I would never in a million years cheat on anybody I am in a relationship with. I have too much loyalty and I am an honest man. I never try to help anyone cheat too, and I have had the opportunity to many times.

 

So a background on our relationship. She had her boyfriend from high school, and I was already settled in our college town. I was pretty excited she was coming, because I have always been very attracted to her. We used to hook up back in high school, and some things went wrong because I was just playing the field still and she did not like that. Make it be noted we never were exclusive back then, especially since it was high school times. So anyhow, she still had this boyfriend, and I convinced her to hang out. Of course, we end up kissing and she felt terrible and was texting me how much of a mistake it was. I felt kind of bad too because I most likely ruined a relationship. She was saying that her boyfriend was cheating on her sexually, so she used me to get him back?

 

That was a huge red flag for me when we initially started talking. Fast forward a few months and she becomes single due to her "controlling" boyfriend. She did tell me some stories that were ridiculous. Continuing with the story, I was out at the bar and my brother taps me on the shoulder and says, "Hey, don't you know this girl?" We had the biggest smile on our face, gave each other a long, giant hug, and danced. It was an awesome time, and a great memory. After that, we started talking again, and then hanging out. I invited her to go out with my friends and I many times, and it was always so fun. I guess she didn't think we were exclusive, because she did something that lost my trust initially. Our friends went to separate bars, so we were away from each other. We were supposed to hang out after the night was over, but she started saying her phone was dying. I asked why she can't call/text from a friends' phone, and she started making excuse. Long story short, she hooked up with a frat guy (she's in a sorority) and never told me. I never found out until the breaking point in our first try at a relationship, when I had to go through her messages due to my suspicions. I was so angry, but she says that since we weren't officially exclusive she didn't find the need to tell me. ALTHOUGH WE WERE TALKING FOR ALMOST A MONTH BY THAT TIME!!!!!!!

 

So anyways, when we first started dating, I was about to go to the bar one day. She was back home, and I was drinking already, and I let a "I love you" come out over text for some reason. She found it strange, and didn't know I felt that way. She then told all of her friends she thought we were getting serious to their surprise because they all knew me as a player from high school. I also told my friends I really did like her, but I had skepticism of dating her due to her history and how if she would cheat on her ex, then she will easily cheat on me (I should have listened to my own advice). But my friends were like "Dude, she kissed you! She likes you! Go for it." So I take her on a nice date and of course ask her out after this. This was officially my first girlfriend.

 

So, continuing on on this autobiography, I am striving to become a dentist and it's looking so far so good. I had to take a summer course, and she had an internship back home, so technically we were long distance (3 hours away). She has many guy friends from high school that she hangs out with, and I am not controlling, but still felt odd about my girlfriend hanging out with a bunch of guys. I mean, she still had contact with some of her exes. I didn't pay it no mind, either, because I was still friendly with my exes as well. She helped me emotionally very much during my time studying for the dental test. I can not thank her enough or forget about that. Even the day before the test, I told her "I'm just not going to take it. I'm so worried." And she reminded me how I spent my whole summer studying and I can't just give up. I ended up killing the dental test.

 

So then the summer ends. We did have some fights here and there, but that is to be seen because a long distance relationship is tough. When we got together sometimes, I felt she didn't treat me like a boyfriend. But what do I know, this was my first girlfriend. She made me feel this way because I invited her over on 4th of July and was drinking a lot, and I get affectionate. I was trying to kiss her in front of my family, and she didn't feel comfortable at all, and that ended up making my mad. But now looking back, I understand I was in the wrong.

 

When we eventually made it back to school in august, she had her "sorority rush week". I kept trying to hang out with her, but she kept saying she cannot because she was so exhausted. I didn't see her this whole week. Prior to this, she mentioned if we should not date because she will be so busy with sorority stuff, but I said if we really like each other, we can make it work. Well, it didn't seem like she tried to make it work, so I broke up. It was a bad break up I feel, because she was totally ignoring me. When I asked why she did this to me, she just kept saying "I don't know", which made me very frustrated.

 

So, this was my hardest college semester. I had time to work my ass off, and I just fueled my anger/sadness/loneliness with achieving great grades. I was already afraid of this semester because of the many hard classes I was taking, but it ended up being my best semester. I would brag about how successful I was doing on social media, because I was still thinking about her. I hooked up with about 5 girls and started really seeing about 2 of these girls over this course of time. I didn't like any of them like I liked my ex. I still missed her, and would always find myself checking up on her and seeing if she was talking to any guys and what not.

 

She missed me even more though. When she would get drunk, she would "Snapchat" me and her eyes were teary saying how much she misses me. I still expressed some anger though and just told her too bad, you messed us up. She was very sad when she saw me start talking with this very pretty girl that went to our high school. She kind of had the same experience as me, with the amount of guys she saw during the break. She was really interested in this one boy she told me, but he just couldn't compare to me. She said he was kind of boring, very dumb, and ended up being creepy.

 

So I followed no contact after our first break up and I guess it worked. I still thought about her all the time, though, and would honestly try to make her jealous with some of the stuff I would post online, such as pictures of me with other girls. I continued posting my successes, and this semester was actually one of her worst.

 

The way we got back together was when it was winter break, we were all home from college. Someone threw a party, and I told my friends we should go. We pulled up and I saw her car and was like "Aww, great...." because I honestly was over her at this point and didn't want to see her. Her friends saw me walk up and they told her not to talk to me. But, as I was sitting there drinking having a good time, she couldn't help but see how much fun I was having and the girls that were all over me and talking. So it gets to the end of the party and she comes over next to me and is just standing there. I said "Can I help you?" and she just begins talking. She ends up begging for me back and trying to kiss me. I leaned away and everyone saw me reject her. I said look, we can talk later, just text me.

 

So we start talking again and hanging out. This was in December, and we start having sex again. She sees that I'm still talking to other girls and was crying, saying how unfair it was. I said look, you have to give me time, I'm still getting over this break up that I have no clue why you did it for. So in the meantime, I'm talking to this extremely beautiful girl that is 4 years older than me, and my ex at the same time. I wanted to see if I had a shot with the other girl, but she can't BSing me, so I just went back with my ex.

 

These next 6 months dating my ex again were nothing but spectacular. We took trips together, hardly got in any fights, and if we did fight, we always settled it. I loved being with her, having fun, and she was always willing to do activities with me. I met her family not too long ago, and we were staying the night at each other's houses every single night. There was not one thing I could complain about, besides maybe the amount we have sex. I admit, I am a sex addict, but no way in hell would I cheat. We still got through it, and I made compromises with the amount of sex I felt I required.

 

So our leases were up, and we got storage together. We packed up, and headed home. We had sex right before leaving, because she was going to be home for a week and I was going on vacation. And this is where the cheating is.

 

I go to my Dad's house Friday night because we had a Saturday morning flight. I still went to her house Friday night and talked with her parents and her before I headed off. I kissed her and wished her a happy birthday, because it was almost 12AM. Everything was still great, we talked normally the next day and we were just talking about her birthday activities. She said her parents were going to the bar, but she was too scared to go to this one because she has a fake ID and they are strict. I said just go, you'll be with your parents.

 

THEN, comes the night. She randomly stopped texting about 8pm and I was asking what she was up to. I was already drinking at this point on vacation, so I get a little antsy. She said "Sorry I was getting ready"! I said, "Oh, what are you doing?" She said she was going to go to a bar with friends, and then right after that I guess they switched the plans to go to another bar. These friends were mostly her guy friends, but one of her girl friends were there as well because she dates one of the guys. They have a big group of a lot of guys and girls, so sometimes the girls hang out with the guys as well. She has even hooked up with some of the guys here, but I trusted her. So I just said "Alright" and that was the end of that, I was getting tired of texting her because she was taking forever to respond.

 

I see her friends post videos on Snapchat (social media for you older folk) and it looks like they are having a good time. I then later see she is at her girl friends' boyfriends house, and they continue binge drinking. I ended up getting sick from drinking too much and going to sleep. I wake up in the morning with messages from 3AM of her saying how she was mad I didn't say I loved her back and she was going to bed. Then I get another text at 5AM saying she kept waking up.

 

So next morning she is acting normal. I asked her how her night was, and assumed she slept over. I was definitely not okay with her sleeping over at a guys house. She had previously gone to these guy friends house very late at night, about 1AM to watch a movie. I already expressed how wrong this was and she said how long she has known these guys so it doesn't matter because they don't have any sexual expressions towards her.

 

So we argue for about 3 days straight about her sleeping over. I was getting so angry to the point I was insulting her, bringing up her past. I guess she finally hit a breaking point, because she sends me a text about as long as this post telling me that she drank so much she doesn't remember, but her friends told her she cheated on me. I, of course, felt very betrayed/humiliated about this. She lied to me for 3 days straight about what had occurred because she apparently wanted to just tell me in person. I tried not to show it during my family reunion, but it took away from my good time because I was arguing with her the whole time and they noticed me on my phone 247. She kept saying she felt like killing herself because she ruined it with the guy of her dreams and she has never loved anyone like me.

 

I was very angry, insulting her. I feel bad but that's just how I felt. I said how the hell could someone having sex with you be a mistake? She kept saying she couldn't remember it, so I said file a rape charge. She refused because she said she didn't want to get everyone involved, so I knew she consented. She is adamant that she did not want to do this and how it was so against her morals and she didn't even like the guy. She said initially she thought he was a douchebag and didn't like him right from meeting him. But her being in a sorority, I knew she was probably infatuated by the guy since he is in a fraternity. I found out the story from mutual friends of the guys, and it is just terrible. They say she was totally into it.

 

We have been arguing still, and I had an awesome time last night going out with friends and all the girls were happy that I was single again. She became very sad because I kind of wanted to get her back by showing her how much people love me. I know actions speak louder than words, but she says she never wants to see any of these guy friends again. I advised she go to counseling because she can't piece together why she cheated on me, and I also told her to get an STD test. I honestly don't believe she will follow through with any of my advice and continue living this disgusting life after a month, but she says how much of a better person I made her so hopefully she seeks help before torturing another guy.

 

So after all of this text, the main reason I am posting here. I signed another lease in the college town I graduated from. I did not really want to move back to the city where we came from, just because I enjoy the college town. I am working a temporary job, and have interviewed at dental schools already and have many more lined up. There is no telling where I would end up, and when we were dating she said she would move with me and pursue a masters degree where I get in. I'm not worried about that now, because there is no way in hell I will take her back unless she gets serious help and I can witness improvements with her actions. What I am worried about is my year in the college town. Many of my friends left because this is my 5th year here (I had to take the year off between undergrad and dental for personal reasons), and I didn't have many friends to begin with because I always had to focus on class and didn't get to socialize much. I basically only have one friend in this town still, and he has a girlfriend that he spends a lot of his time with. I always have a good time with my ex, so I have come accross the idea of just keeping her as a friend. I am such a nice guy that I already have forgiven her for her "mistake" (not a mistake at all, it was her choice and I know it). If we end up having sexual relations again, I will always use protection, but I still want her to get the STD test before that happens. So... should I go no contact again and be lonely? Or should I keep some sanity and happiness by having her as my friend for the last year I will be in this town until I move off for dental school?

 

Thank you and sorry for the novel. I really appreciate it if you make it this far. It has been weighing on me like a truck is on my back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

so you're socially delightful enough to get girls to stick to you like bees to a honeypot when you need to make her jealous....

but you're not apt to make friends when it'd be best to leave this girl in the past and move on?

 

one moment you can make sure you're anything but lonely, the next you'll die alone if you let her go?

 

how does that work?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

so you're socially delightful enough to get girls to stick to you like bees to a honeypot when you need to make her jealous....

but you're not apt to make friends when it'd be best to leave this girl in the past and move on?

 

one moment you can make sure you're anything but lonely, the next you'll die alone if you let her go?

 

how does that work?

 

I am working a temporary job full time, which means I don't have much time for extra activity. My job doesn't really allow for speaking with coworkers so I cannot form relationships with them.

 

When I am with my one friend or my other friends visit from out of town and we go out to the bar or club, the girls do attract to us.

 

I feel you are taking my statements and making them extreme. I have found other girls during our time apart from the first break up, but I never enjoyed their presence as i did with my ex. That is why I am asking if it would be an OK move to keep her around as a friend for a year

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm really confused. you want to keep her around as a friend. but you're also considering having sex with her in the future.

 

because the presence of a lying, cheating person who has dumped you with no sensible explanation/traded you for a frat guy in the past is more enjoyable than solitude?

 

do you honestly believe this plan can work out to your benefit? can you imagine the emotional toll of it? do you think it's something that would enhance your personal growth?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, but you sound "It's-All-About-Me"

 

Why don't you just buckle down as a single and work on getting your career going instead of using this girl for your emotional bandaid. Learn how to live independently and when you're actually ready to be in a relationship, then and only then, start dating again. In the meantime, I'm sure, by your favorable description of yourself and your ability to "pull" you can find casual entertainment now and again when the need arises.

 

Either keep her around because you love and forgive her or leave her alone so she can heal from the break up and find someone who she is better suited for/to, I say.

 

Good luck in the teeth biz.

 

Bit of a rant here but none-the-less and BTW: A girl that is too drunk to remember how she ended up having sex with someone is not ABLE to give consent. That alone is grounds for the charge of rape. Its why all mothers should be educating their sons to NOT have sex with girls who are drunk. (Call her then next day man and set up something when she's sober)

Unfortunately, far toooooo many women are afraid to testify because of rape culture attitudes such as yours, OP. The victim becomes the victim once again.

 

Also BTW: Her "being into it" doesn't mean she consented either. Many rape victims feel complete guilt for the physiological response of their body to what is happening to them. Just a bit of education for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Should I keep her around to continue having fun until leaving for dental school in a year

 

If you were an "honest man" (your own words) the thought of keeping her around for fun/sex, would never enter your mind. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you're better off finding another body to meet your need for entertainment.

 

In any event, why not take the high road, and think with the correct body part?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bit of a rant here but none-the-less and BTW: A girl that is too drunk to remember how she ended up having sex with someone is not ABLE to give consent. That alone is grounds for the charge of rape. Its why all mothers should be educating their sons to NOT have sex with girls who are drunk. (Call her then next day man and set up something when she's sober)

Unfortunately, far toooooo many women are afraid to testify because of rape culture attitudes such as yours, OP. The victim becomes the victim once again.

 

Also BTW: Her "being into it" doesn't mean she consented either. Many rape victims feel complete guilt for the physiological response of their body to what is happening to them. Just a bit of education for you.

And what if the guy was too drunk to remember as well and if she initiated even if too drunk to remember? Also, simply because long-term potentation was disrupted doesn't mean there wasn't consciousness at the time of the event. Not to at all minimize date rape, but simply not remembering doesn't mean a conscious decision wasn't made at that time nor that the person was in fact raped. Again, not dismissing the possibility, but I'm not sure the guy deserves such a sharp guilting even if he's not doing his image any favors with his post.

 

At the same time, you're right that OP shouldn't assume one way or the other while neither of them has an account of what happened. Simply having to worry about whether she'll be able to control her alcohol consumption in the future would be enough for me not wanting to be with someone, though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And what if the guy was too drunk to remember as well and if she initiated even if too drunk to remember? Also, simply because long-term potentation was disrupted doesn't mean there wasn't consciousness at the time of the event. Not to at all minimize date rape, but simply not remembering doesn't mean a conscious decision wasn't made at that time nor that the person was in fact raped. Again, not dismissing the possibility, but I'm not sure the guy deserves such a sharp guilting even if he's not doing his image any favors with his post.
One has to be of sound mind in order to give consent. That's all I'm going to say on the subject.
At the same time, you're right that OP shouldn't assume one way or the other while neither of them has an account of what happened. Simply having to worry about whether she'll be able to control her alcohol consumption in the future would be enough for me not wanting to be with someone, though.

I agree. I'd not be with anyone that drank to "not remembering" either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't want to make multiple quotes, so I hope you all can follow. Furthermore, I would like to express that I do indeed have an open mind. I am not one of those people that come onto forums expecting for my ideas to be agreed upon, and if they are not, ignore others comments. I do take heed to every opinion.

 

Rainycoast - Yes, I do believe this would be better than solitude. Not that I would be completely in solitude, anyhow. One of the significant things about having a partner is the security of always feeling loved. You can come home to them and always talk to them. When playing the field, you may be ignored. Considering I only have a year, having someone that would constantly be there for me seems a better option than having to put all of my time in trying to find a match for me, only to move away in approximately a year. I feel I am a strong individual, so I ask you: What personal growth could possibly be gained from talking with potential partners? As I stated, I am moving in about a year. I am not particularly interested in long distance relationships, so putting a majority of my energy (finding a potential partner is not an easy task) in new girls seems like a waste of time.

 

J.man: I know you will call a bluff, but I could have wrote my simplified version: Girlfriend cheated on me, and I am staying in my city for a year, should I keep her around as company? The reason I wrote my book was because I also wanted advice on this particular cheating experience. I just became informed that the whole act was about 30 seconds. There's no telling if penetration even occurred. Furthermore, I was told that she was throwing up prior to any of the horrors occurring. That seems pretty telling of this whole incident. That doesn't make it less of infidelity, whatsoever, but I wanted everyone to be aware of our strong relationship before what had occurred. I am fully capable of having a FWB without becoming a crazy person; I know this for a fact considering I did so in high school for about 2-3 years. She was the one that admitted that she may not be able to handle seeing me with other girls, but understands that this is a consequence she now has to face due to her "mistake".

 

Tmifune: I am not trying to feel better. I feel just fine. I wish she never did cheat on me because we were going really good, but I ultimately still feel happy. Of course I have been thinking about it a lot lately, but I just got cheated on a week ago by my first girlfriend. I was not at her birthday because I was on a family reunion. I stated this in the first post, but I know I typed "10,000 words". It's impossible to be using her when she already knows that I will never get back with her, as I have told her plentiful times.

 

Thatwasthen: I can't get my career going. The only thing needed is interviews until I hopefully get accepted into Dental School. Once I am in, that is the beginning of my career. Due to my hard semester, I lived in a studio apartment so I would not be distracted, so I certainly know what it is like to live independently. My "casual entertainment" need is ALWAYS. I can release on my own every now and then but I'd prefer not to. You say she needs to heal from the break up to find someone better suited for her? I laughed when I read that... SHE IS THE ONE THAT CHEATED ON ME!!!!!! And I don't see how you are comparing me to a rape apologist. I was the one encouraging her to file a rape charge. It sounded completely like an act of rape to me, and I kept informing her the later she went to authorities, the less chance she would win the case. She completely blew off the idea of filing a case, though. Thank you for your wishes as well.

 

Heartgoeson: I didn't know "fun" = "sex". That's all I really have to say to you.

 

J.man #2: I agree with you. What I was trying to portray is that I believe that even though she may have been "blackout drunk", she still made the decision to do this. She may not remember, but she still made this choice regardless. I am not getting back with her, whatsoever. I am going to forgive her in the regards to keeping her as a friend.

 

Thatwasthen #2: I agree with you as well, which is why I refuse to engage in any activity with a drunk person. Personally, if I am so hammered that I cannot remember (which has never actually happened, I always get sick before I lose memory), I would never want to be having sex with someone. I know everyone is different, but we mostly relate to personal experience. I would go lay my ass in bed and try to sleep it off, not take off my clothes and have sex, especially when I'm in a relationship.

I won't be "with her", we'll be hanging out as friends.

 

I want to apologize if I seem like I am taking the defense, and hopefully persuade you that I am just voicing my stance. I appreciate everyone's comments, and certainly have taken heed to what everyone has expressed. It is clear that everyone wants me to just move on. I have spoken with friends that know us in person, and they stand by me in keeping her as a friend. Of course, I will explain the situation to my ex as well and see what she says. I am not settling for my own conclusions, whatsoever, and if anyone has any more comments or would like to elaborate on what they have said, I am all ears. Maybe now after this ending statement you can tell I am just a long-winded, rambling person.

 

Thank you again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of the significant things about having a partner is the security of always feeling loved.
well there's your problem. you're dependent on external validation. what was that about an inside job...

 

What personal growth could possibly be gained from talking with potential partners?
who says you need to be looking for potential partners to stuff your sense of self-worth for a lousy year? You learn to not depend on anyone spoonfeeding you emotional treats in that year. As a single person. That's the personal growth gained from it- not being an effing addictive vampire who'll put up with degrading treatment to avoid getting the hang of psychological independence.

 

Shees man. We have seventeen year old girls on here more willing to accept the fact being a functional adult means you need to learn some self-sustenance.

 

Seriously, this is alarming.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well there's your problem. you're dependent on external validation. what was that about an inside job...

 

who says you need to be looking for potential partners to stuff your sense of self-worth for a lousy year? You learn to not depend on anyone spoonfeeding you emotional treats in that year. As a single person. That's the personal growth gained from it- not being an effing addictive vampire who'll put up with degrading treatment to avoid getting the hang of psychological independence.

 

Shees man. We have seventeen year old girls on here more willing to accept the fact being a functional adult means you need to learn some self-sustenance.

 

Seriously, this is alarming.

 

So my 20 years of life prior to having a girlfriend show nothing in regards to my independence. I don't know what you have out against me, but sorry I struck a nerve with you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you can't survive a single year without external validation. i don't know whether you've been that way for two decades, but it's been called codependence for more than twenty years.

 

maybe it just strikes your nerve that you're advised against behaving like you're emotionally handicapped.

 

I get it, sometimes people just want a blessing to proceed with whatever would gratify their ego. Wouldn't hurt if you tried to get it that sometimes people just can't sprinkle that benediction in good conscience.

 

Maybe, since forum replies get you defensive, you could try some counseling instead. But I doubt you would, seeing as it isn't instantly gratifying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you can't survive a single year without external validation. i don't know whether you've been that way for two decades, but it's been called codependence for more than twenty years.

 

maybe it just strikes your nerve that you're advised against behaving like you're emotionally handicapped.

 

I get it, sometimes people just want a blessing to proceed with whatever would gratify their ego. Wouldn't hurt if you tried to get it that sometimes people just can't sprinkle that benediction in good conscience.

 

Maybe, since forum replies get you defensive, you could try some counseling instead. But I doubt you would, seeing as it isn't instantly gratifying.

 

I typed 2 sentences. You wrote a paragraph. I am having a hard time seeing the correlation of ME being the one getting defensive.

 

As stated multiple times, this was my first girlfriend. Do you care to explain where my external validation came from for the other 2 decades, if I am so "emotionally handicapped"? I dealt with the initial breakup and did not contact her for 6 months, correct? I'm sorry I have offended you with the simple question of having an ex as a friend. I don't know what has occurred to you in life, but if it is so hard for you, you simply can back away from the computer so you don't get so riled up over a forum post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you wrote a book on how much you'd rather be fwb than endure being alone. and it still pains you to have it pointed out as unhealthy. lol, this is important to you.

 

appreciate the enterntainment though, knock yourself out.

 

Read previous comments. I wrote that much to show what the relationship was like.

 

Thanks for your time

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok. I hate when people post on forums and never come to a conclusion.

 

It's been a lot of thinking this week after being informed she cheated. The most last night and this morning. I will take all of your advice and go no contact after I get my stuff today. I will inform her that it will be better if we did not talk, and it'd be fair for her if I just let her reap what she sows.

 

I will seek counseling if I am having troubles.

 

Thank you all for your input on this time for me. I really appreciate it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...