Anyone ever had a situation like this? Not in love any more, but not breaking up

[Kalika]

Hey ENA,

 

Was just wondering if anyone out there has ever been in a situation like this: living with someone you no longer love, but not breaking up with them because of practical reasons?

 

I'm in this situation right now. I live with my boyfriend of 5 years and my 11 year old son who has Aspergers/autism spectrum disorder. My son has had a very difficult, turbulent year and I have absolutely NO desire to rock the boat again for him by breaking up with my boyfriend and kicking him out of my house. Also, having the second income helps free up funds that I can now use for my son's health insurance, treatments and therapies that he needs, among other (daily practical) things.

 

That being said, my boyfriend and I do not get along all that much and I no longer love or respect him, although he does help take care of my son. He doesn't ask how I feel about him, nor does he ever really bring up our relationship, but I think he knows how I feel about him at this point. Whether he gives a damn about me or not, I don't really know. If it mattered to him whether I love him or not, I'm assuming he would initiate a conversation about how things are going with us, or something to that effect, but he never ever brings up our relationship. I was always the one initiating those conversations - for years - but I'm done with it all now, and with him. I just feel numb to him.

 

I have absolutely no family where I live and no one else I can depend on other than him. I just don't feel like breaking up with him is an option right now. Plus he's threatened to make it difficult for me if I did - he's told me several times (during very heated arguments) that if I try to kick him out he'll take me to court, or something to that effect, because I can't "legally" evict him since he's been paying rent.

 

So just wondering.. has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? How did you manage it?

 

Thanks ...

[Seraphim]

I think staying in a situation like this is more disruptive to your son. It makes his life more miserable overall long term than temporarily miserable.

[annie24]

haven't you been posting for a few years now that you've wanted to break up with him?

[Kalika]

Yes, I am not happy with him .. but again, with an 11 year old who has special needs and no family or close friends nearby, I'm not really in the position to jump ship. The last time I tried to break up with him, something really bad happened in my son's life (his dad decided to leave the state we're in and move back to our hometown) and at that point I wasn't going to get rid of the only other father figure my son has ever had.

[Kalika]

I think staying in a situation like this is more disruptive to your son. It makes his life more miserable overall long term than temporarily miserable.

 

 

 

 

 

I hear you Victoria. I'm hoping that now that I've stopped caring though, we won't be fighting or arguing as much (what's the point??)

 

Most of the time it's fine and we're not fighting or anything.. it's just mostly indifference or we each do our own thing.

 

I had asked my son several times whether he wanted to move back to our home town. I honestly don't know why, but he adamantly refuses to move back. He hasn't really explained why, other than to say he just moved here a year ago and he's not going to move again.

 

At least there I will have some family/help with him and he wouldn't be depending on me and me alone. Right now I live in a very big city and I work FT. I commute 2+ hours a day and don't get home until late. I don't want him to be home alone after school and having to worry about him when I'm not there. If nothing else, at least having someone else around that I trust alleviates this concern.

[jbone1973]

This seems similar to my marriage my wife wanted a divorce after 12 years. When she suggested it I was actually pleased although didn't want to leave because of my children. In Hine site I wish I had tried harder to improve our marriage. We never did anything together as a couple as we didn't have any support with the kids. If you really don't care for him I think its unfair to stay with him especially if he is looking after your child. I also think this is bad for you.

 

Have you thought about going to relationship counselling to try and improve your relationship. My ex wife offered this a year before I got divorce and I declined. Now I really wish I had tried it as we may have had a chance to talk as our problem was that we never talked about anything apart from the children and were so busy we didn't have time for each other and lived separate lives. I think if we talk more our problems could have been resolved as neither of us did any wrong. We just grew apart.

[journeynow]

I remember Anne Landers or Dear Abby (not sure which) would advise something to the effect of leave the marriage if you'll be better off by leaving. If not, then stay and work on it. She was speaking to women with children in marriages, but it might or might not apply with you (for you to judge). If you do stay, I think you have some choice how you handle it and how you view him. If you don't love or respect him, it seems you are using him, and I wonder about the wisdom of that, if you can respect yourself by keeping him around; if your son can respect you; if you can expect to be treated with respect by your bf.

 

On the other hand, look for things you can respect about him, things you can appreciate, qualities that attracted you to him, things you have loved about him, and focus there, practice listing them in your mind or on paper (perhaps out loud while you are commuting). You may rekindle the positive side of the relationship, or feel better about it, which can shift the whole relationship and how he feels about you.

 

Perhaps you are burned out, with the driving and working and parenting. Perhaps he is feeling taken for granted. Perhaps not intentional in any respect. Find ways to care for yourself, nurture yourself, refill your well (without cheating on him, of course, you are still a couple). If you are not feeling joy and happiness, find ways to bring some joy and happiness into your life. Bring some feeling back.

 

At the very least you can respect him for helping to take care of your son, and for being a reliable income source, which helps you cover some of your son's care and practical things. Even if you moved closer, there's no guarentee they'd be able or willing to fill the same role.