I need some orientation.

[Iruam]

Hey there guys, haven't been here for a while, but i really need help rn.

Basically i need some advice on my relationship and with myself.

Lemme tell you my story or at least what's worth telling.

>be 20 as well as my gf

>currently not studying but thanks to all her support towards me, we've been working for the time we've been together on my personal growth.

>working and living by myself since i don't have any family support unless i'm at the hospital or something.

 

So i've been with her for quite a while, we started dating on the beginning of this year and formally been my gf since apr.

So, to tell you about herself, she's a real cute, smart, intelligent, beautiful girl who is currently working (that's where we met) and also studying.

 

Some background about me, i was studying in music college until i just couldn't keep up with school and work and so i left college 2 years from starting. Also figured out a music carreer is also not the best option speaking about money. Currently i'm only working altho i'm looking to study in the very near future, i'm taking my chances and try to push real hard thanks to her to get a better job and if i do get the job i want i would start in a real prestigious college (which you can compare to the MIT for example or Harvard) this time in audio engineering. That will actually get me money. And if i can't pull that out, well then i'm gonna start in a not so prestigious university probably studying some other engineering.

 

Since i know her my life has had a lot of ups and downs. My life quality skyrocketed when i got to start dating her and she really supports me and everything. She convinced me to study, to save some money, and a lot of stuff which has made a better person of me. She also helped me to get up when my older brother (which was pretty much my only support since childhood) died 30th of May.

 

Anyway, our love was one of those which pretty much develops like in a movie, you know like completely magical out of nowhere. Out of talking and talking and talking, you know how it goes.

 

We do have some more background story, but i'm gonna put it short, her ex bf was a ing cheating selfish jerk who rn has another gf but recently found out by a common friend which has always been one of my best friends. That he still thinks of her and i told her and i also told her (with proofs) of how he broked with her when he wanted to go with a girl that didn't even wanted him and how he cheated with several women (not for the first time) when they were about to end.

 

However today, after picking her up from school she forgot her cellphone with me. And i out of pure curiosity checked her phone. I was taking some pics and some other stuff since my cellphone is not working and also played some games. But then i was checking her convo with her best girl friend and my gf, told her she actually felt happy and she liked that he still had feelings for her and if they were both single she'd give it a try again.

 

She also commented how she was kinda upset at me bc sometimes she has to be behind me like a mom, and she was tired and how she didn't have that problem with him.

She is kinda right, altho i have my priorities in order. I do know what i have to do, but i tend to complain a lot about stuff i have to do, but i do it anyway. And she feels like i wouldn't do that kind of stuff.

 

In the past few weeks and for a long while i've been insecure, like SO ing insecure, bc well, i have a ty job, no studies, no car, no home, and pretty much no future.

And well we like to be honest to each other and talked about that a bit. And she did confess me how if i didn't change she will probably leave me for her own good. Which yeah, i mean, i do agree that'll be the sane thing to do. And i have really been working on that for a couple of months but after that i felt pretty alarmed.

 

And so i tried to make my mindset shift for the better. More secure of myself. Also, the convo she had with her was a few weeks ago, so she could be changing her mind. But that really shocked me. We did actually joke a bit about me reading her messages when i went to work later today to give her phone back, today i had the day off, but of course didn't tell her i really did.

 

Now, i'd like to state that both her and i are very serious persons, and since the very beginning we are on the idea this is a serious relationship which can very well lead to matrimony. But this really got me thinking. I do love her and still wanna be with her and she didn't say that she'd cheat on me or that she wanted to him or anything. But it got me out of balance. Also, i'm a very depressive person, been at the edge of suicide a couple times. and was a drug addict for like the final quarter of last year, but i left it all bc of her.

Now, i do understand i do not live for her. Even if that's why i do all this kind of things, i try to make the idea that i'm doing all of this for me.

 

Also, today was a good day, she really seemed happy since i first saw her at school and throughout the day and i told her. I also told her how much i really wanted to be with her, thanked her for giving me the chance to be with her, that i'm so very much trying to be a better boyfriend and a better person. And not willing to waste that chance and how she shouldn't waste it either. And we agreed we could indeed be a very happy couple if we go this way and be better both of us.

 

Also, something i forgot to mention before is how really well her family treats me, since i'm at her home a lot. It's a lot better than being alone in my apt.

 

And well, overall bc of my situation i havne't been able to help her nearly as much as she had helped me already. That's one of the reason for my insecurity as well, but between that, my low self esteem (even tho i'm not an ugly or fat guy, i'm average, used to be fit) and the fact that she doesn't have as much patience as i would like (even tho that fact alone has helped me improve a lot, since i really have to do it or im ed.) Also, i'm the kind of guy who would hug and kiss a lot, gift flowers and teddy bears and write 5ish pages letters and she's not quite the most romantic girl in the world, like, a couple kisses here and there, she would hug me sometimes, has never written a letter to me and in general she doesn't express her feelings that much unless i directly ask for it. So yeah, right now i'm just trying to ignore what i read, but i'm having a hard time and i'm kinda lost, i don't know what should my next step be. So i wanted to see if someone here could lend me a hand.

 

PS: I'm sorry for my english and also bc i have so much in my head right now, i'm writing on the go, so i know it doesn't make that much sense. Also, if you think you can help me and can use Skype, because i think it's so much practical than writing, please leave your username and i will add you.

Thanks in advance.