Did you miss "them" or the relationship?

[snoopygal]

This is the first breakup for me that I've really been so torn up about. (And I was married before.) They're both hard, but there is a difference in missing the person and missing the habits/way of life from a relationship. For you guys, which did you seem to move on from or be at peace with first? I know every situation is different, but I was curious about your story, and maybe why you think that was the order you moved on in?

[reinventmyself]

I think getting over the 'person' comes first, at least for me.

After all it was the interpersonal relationship that wasn't working for us.

 

Being `in a relationship' is the harder adjustment for me because it's a lifestyle adjustment.

I haven't been alone on weekends in almost 7 months. (I know, not that long in the scheme of things)

 

Rethinking my day, my actions, what to do with myself during those times we were together.

No longer taking into consideration another person in my decisions and my plans.

 

At a risk of being overly dramatic. .learning to walk again. . or at least walk differently.

It just doesn't come naturally. I have to put thought into things I took for granted.

[ajhurst210]

It fluctuates with me which one I miss the most, being in a relationship, or her. I still don't even know which one it is that I miss.

 

I think at the end of the day, after a 10 hour work day where I haven't looked down at my phone to see some little text to say I love you or to just ask about my day, and lying alone in bed in a quiet room and not feeling someone breathing next to me or hugging a pillow instead of a warm body... Coming up to a weekend and realizing I have nothing to do anymore when I used to... all makes me I think I just miss the companionship. The feeling of being loved and needed and wanted. And her... she was just the person who provided that. Because I can't always confidently say I miss HER. Because I wasn't happy with her. So ultimately, a lot of the times I just miss the idea of her and what she provided to me once upon a time.

 

But then there's also the fact that I could probably get a text from another girl throughout the day and not get as excited about it. I could sleep next to someone new, could kiss them, hold hands with them, laugh with them.. all to provide some filler for what's missing in my life, and I'm pretty positive all of feel is more lonely than I started. So that tells me I miss her aswell. When I can watch something on tv and think "man, she used to love this show"... or drive in the car and still hear her singing along to every song on the radio, or see a full red moon and hear her get all giddy with excitement and wide eyed and run to get her camera. That's not the type of thing that's just instinctual desire to be with someone else. That's missing someone.

 

So I don't know. For me. They go hand in hand.

 

Either way. They both incredibly suck.

[snoopygal]

When I got divorced, I never felt sadness. I was angry. I never really missed him. I did go through a period of maybe 4 months that I didn't really know what to do with myself, and trying to adjust to my new life. Between dating and marriage we were together for about 6 years. In my head and my heart I think I just knew it wasn't right and so it was relatively easy for me. This relationship, we'd been dating for 5 years, and I miss him. and the relationship. All of it. The idea that he won't be in my life is so much harder to think about than what I'm going to do on the weekends and evenings. I can't explain it, I just don't feel like it's the right thing.

[skyhop333]

I miss the person, not the relationship. If i miss a relationship it's just a relationship in general I miss. Depends on which ex or the situation. Only one ex I miss as the person themselves. The rest, I only miss the premise of the intimacy of a relationship. Not with those people mind you, Just being with someone.

[snoopygal]

I know what you mean. Also for me, when I do go out and do something with a group of friends, At some point I stop and think man, I wish he was here. This would be so much better if he were here. It's saddening because I'm enjoying my group of friends. Its not couples. No one brings him up. There isn't anything triggering a memory. He's just always on my mind. This happens all the time in a lot of situations.

[reinventmyself]

When I got divorced, I never felt sadness. I was angry. I never really missed him. I did go through a period of maybe 4 months that I didn't really know what to do with myself, and trying to adjust to my new life.

.

 

As far as my divorce, I never once missed the man but still 14 years later, I will forever grieve the loss of the family. We at least got that right. I think of my sons and still feel guilty that we weren't able to get our sh** together for them. I couldn't think of a better reason for making it work because those two boys deserved a loving happy home. After all this time I can still feel the emotions swell up. . Not for him but for them.

[snoopygal]

reinventmyself, that makes sense. That would be really hard. We didn't have kids, so I just went on my merry way.

[reinventmyself]

reinventmyself, that makes sense. That would be really hard. We didn't have kids, so I just went on my merry way.

 

kids are a game changer, for sure.

Not to mention it ties you together with the ex indefinitely

[Lucia Amman]

To be honest I never missed any of my exes. When the relationship wasn't that long (anything shorter than a year) I only missed 'them' for about a week.

 

Longer relationships always took way longer to heal. Although I never missed the guy, again. It seemed to me it was very clear that I missed the relationship. There is so much convenience in longer relationship. You can relay on the other one to do this or that. You have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on, a movie to watch with.

 

Some things are more easy to do alone tho. So I tried to focus on that. That I can choose what's for dinner, which movie I want to see and to have spontaneous hang outs with my (other single) friends.

 

My last ex. I turned up hating him. It felt like he had ruined my life in so many ways. I felt betrayed and smothered at the same time by him. He belittled me, made me feel insecure and incapable of loving. So I was glad he was over. But the relationship just seemed to have so many other benefits. The security, the him and me against the world idea, financial security too. The world we built around ourselves. The family we made. The friends we had. Once the we is me and him again the friends separate, the family's go their own way. I even felt bad not to invite him over for Christmas at my moms place - because that's how we usually celebrated it. That's where he too belonged. So I struggled with letting that go. I struggled to letting the structures our life had been fall of the earth.

[chram]

I know what you mean. Also for me, when I do go out and do something with a group of friends, At some point I stop and think man, I wish he was here. This would be so much better if he were here. It's saddening because I'm enjoying my group of friends. Its not couples. No one brings him up. There isn't anything triggering a memory. He's just always on my mind. This happens all the time in a lot of situations.

 

I feel the EXACT same way...

 

For me I definitely miss the person more. She was the first person that made me feel the intense passion unlike anyone I dated before. We were gonna do so many things this summer, whenever I'm having fun those thoughts come up. But we gotta look forward as they say...

[snoopygal]

I know I shouldn't, but since I miss him, I can't help but wonder what he'd say if he was asked this question.

[IAmFCA]

Him

the relationship was a pain in the neck, but his company is a porn film, a Thelma and Louise adventure, a literature and sociology seminar, and a networking social, all rolled up together in each visit.

 

I am glad to now be presented with what SEEM like more stable, supportive long term prospects. But then, he seemed that way as well. Time tells what few say outright.

[Brotherhood67]

Must admit I miss the lies, the cheating, when she talked about me in front of her friends and imitated the Ka-ching sound of a cash register when she talked about what I was doing for a job.

 

Miss those hollow nights alone, waiting for her when she was kissing and banging another dude. Miss her smile when she talked about some guys. Miss her ange when I wanted to talk about my fears of being in a LTR. Miss her anger when I told her I missed her - that I was pressuring her. Miss her look of boredom when I drove 8 hours just to be with her for a week-end. And 8 hours back.

 

Wait.

 

I remember now : I don t friggin' miss her. Good riddance.

 

Guess you can miss a good person. But that's not the case here.

 

As for the relationship per se...

 

Is it really possible to miss a relationship with a landmine waiting to blow up ? Sure, maybe...

[gemmajack]

Must admit I miss the lies, the cheating, when she talked about me in front of her friends and imitated the Ka-ching sound of a cash register when she talked about what I was doing for a job.

Miss those hollow nights alone, waiting for her when she was kissing and banging another dude. Miss her smile when she talked about some guys. Miss her ange when I wanted to talk about my fears of being in a LTR. Miss her anger when I told her I missed her - that I was pressuring her. Miss her look of boredom when I drove 8 hours just to be with her for a week-end. And 8 hours back.

 

Man you had bad!poor thing.

[snoopygal]

Yeah, I don't think I would miss either in that situation! Sometimes, I think it would be easier if he wasn't a good person.

[Brotherhood67]

Man you had bad!poor thing.

 

Lol don't worry I was not crying ^-^

 

Just trying to be funny.

[DancingFool]

Miss him? No. Miss the good parts that I find attractive? Yes. Trying to find those again without the bad stuff.....challenging.....

[blanco]

I miss the IDEA of the relationship, not necessarily the relationship itself or her. The last year was pretty awful for several reasons, and the relationship itself was never that great. I've realized that most of my enthusiasm for the relationship was based on the potential I saw in it. The reality is, we were never a great fit and I probably unfairly projected the ideals of what I want from a partner on to her. In her defense, she was never really that person; I just wanted her to be, and it was unfair to hold her to a standard or expectations that she never claimed to be from the start.

 

But I do certainly miss some of the things about a relationship: Having someone to talk to about your day or things happening in your life; the built-in date for events such as weddings and parties; the excitement you feel about where the relationship will take the two of you.

 

Honestly, I think that's part of why some people try to move on so quickly after long relationships. It's not just to get over the pain of the breakup. It's that they've become so acclimated to couples life that they almost don't know how to handle themselves as single people. It's why you see people go through the god-awful process of divorce but then jump right back into an exclusive relationship, or even get remarried not long after. It's a matter of comfort from familiarity.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I've realized that most of my enthusiasm for the relationship was based on the potential I saw in it.

 

This is what it is for me. I was really in love with my ex and I had discovered I was more in love with her than I was my wife who divorced me before I met her. She was gorgeous, fun, and the times we were together always felt natural. However, she wasn't who I thought she was, she was a cut-throat cheater who wanted to be loyal. I've come to realize it was the concept of her and the deception of the amazing times together that I miss. I miss "her" because I can't find the concepts of what I loved about her in a real relationship. I miss who I thought she was, but I am glad to be away from who she really is.

[snoopygal]

This is what it is for me. I was really in love with my ex and I had discovered I was more in love with her than I was my wife who divorced me before I met her. She was gorgeous, fun, and the times we were together always felt natural. However, she wasn't who I thought she was, she was a cut-throat cheater who wanted to be loyal. I've come to realize it was the concept of her and the deception of the amazing times together that I miss. I miss "her" because I can't find the concepts of what I loved about her in a real relationship. I miss who I thought she was, but I am glad to be away from who she really is.

I how this is far fetched- but I have to ask because some of your words struck a chord with me. What if she wasn't a cheater, but was loyal to you.? What if what you found her to be in the beginning was really who she still was, but somewhere along the way she had issues that she was dealing with...but didn't know how to deal with them and expressed them poorly? Now, she's started counseling, and is working to fix herself? What would you think about that? I know this is a totally different situation, but like I said, your most words are really hitting home, if I could replace a few words, it would be my situation.

I know there are a lot of what ifs, but your other words are extremely familiar.

[blanco]

This is what it is for me. I was really in love with my ex and I had discovered I was more in love with her than I was my wife who divorced me before I met her. She was gorgeous, fun, and the times we were together always felt natural. However, she wasn't who I thought she was, she was a cut-throat cheater who wanted to be loyal. I've come to realize it was the concept of her and the deception of the amazing times together that I miss. I miss "her" because I can't find the concepts of what I loved about her in a real relationship. I miss who I thought she was, but I am glad to be away from who she really is.

 

Exactly. Mine started very strong in the early stages of the relationship. Lots of communication, very open, warm, complimentary, nice gestures, saw value in what I believe are my best qualities. In essence, a lot of the tools I look for in a partner. Unfortunately, it was something of a mask. She was somewhat open early on that she had a tendency to detach or emotionally check out from time to time. I never been with someone like that, so naively, I thought I could handle it, especially given the qualities I was seeing in her to that point.

 

Well, turns out I couldn't handle it. It turned into a relationship where it felt like she was periodically pulling back, which would cause me to push more, which would only have the opposite intended effect. By the last few months of the relationship, I had mostly thrown in the towel, not even bothering to pursue anymore. And that just led to either mutual indifference or dislike.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I how this is far fetched- but I have to ask because some of your words struck a chord with me. What if she wasn't a cheater, but was loyal to you.? What if what you found her to be in the beginning was really who she still was, but somewhere along the way she had issues that she was dealing with...but didn't know how to deal with them and expressed them poorly? Now, she's started counseling, and is working to fix herself? What would you think about that? I know this is a totally different situation, but like I said, your most words are really hitting home, if I could replace a few words, it would be my situation.

I know there are a lot of what ifs, but your other words are extremely familiar.

 

If she started counseling and came back? Not sure, but I would probably explore it because what we had felt like it was meant to be. However, it would be an extremely long time until I could trust her again, and dating someone you have to look over your shoulder at when your back is turned is exhausting. I'm not sure I could forget the hurt I went through and having to restore trust is kind of a sucky romantic love story for a relationship. If I did, I would answer the "what if" on my terms.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

It turned into a relationship where it felt like she was periodically pulling back, which would cause me to push more, which would only have the opposite intended effect. By the last few months of the relationship, I had mostly thrown in the towel, not even bothering to pursue anymore.

 

Exactly. I got to the point I was letting it die, just so she would never be my "what if". Unfortunately, I stayed too long and should have cut that relationship down at first sign, and trusted my instincts that I had my what-if answer.

[blanco]

Exactly. I got to the point I was letting it die, just so she would never be my "what if". Unfortunately, I stayed too long and should have cut that relationship down at first sign, and trusted my instincts that I had my what-if answer.

 

I did the same, and I'm sure there are dozens of active members of this forum who have done likewise at least once.

 

I think for some of us, we get involved with people and project them as being someone who will fill all of our wants and needs in a partner. When we start to realize that this projection and reality don't align very well, there's a bit of denial that happens. If we've built these people to be someone we WANT them to be, but they aren't necessarily, there's a period of time where we have to almost come down from our delusions before we can break it off. It's almost like the process of coming to acceptance over a breakup. It's not overnight, and you can't necessarily rush the process.